57 lines
2.7 KiB
Plaintext
57 lines
2.7 KiB
Plaintext
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(This file and all humorous content are (C) and (P) 1993 RageBoy
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Publications, a subdivision of Blue Camaro Records/Press.)
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One night, at a somewhat socialite party (I have since quit attending
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trendy parties), I was talking to a very attractive girl. I began talking
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about my friend Will, who had died in a car accident in 1985, and then we
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began discussing drunk-driving accidents in general. Soon, as I became
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more and more animated and involved, she walked away. At first, I wondered
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why. But then I realized: I had become BORING.
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But I overcame this malaise which had so suddenly stricken me, and if you
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are boring, THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU, TOO!
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HOW NOT TO BE BORING
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1) Don't use statistics or facts. In conversation, the goal is to make
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a point, not to sound like a World Almanac. Examples: Don't say
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things like "2.5% of all wife beaters are hired by the Mafia" or "In
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India, homosexuals are gutted and their skins are used for doormats."
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One of the main reasons you should not say those things is because
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they are not true.
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2) Don't be crude or gross. If you are telling someone about the best
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lay you've ever had, don't say, "This chick was riding me like
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Secretariat's jockey and she was doing things that gave me the most
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sphincter-clenching orgasm I've ever had." Instead, simply say "Let
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me just say that that time in the back room of the toy store was the
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best, most memorable bout of intercourse I have ever experienced."
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3) Don't over-emphasize. If you're a big fan of the Minutemen, for
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instance, never assume that your conversational companion is, as well.
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Therefore, do not refer to every song the band has ever done as
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though both of you have heard it.
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4) Do not use exaggerated motions. People who flail their arms around
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hysterically, trying to make a point, usually lose their audience
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within a few minutes of beginning said motions. Also, do not say,
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really loudly, "OH, MY GOD!" or some other such exclamation, and
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launch into a spiel about something really moronic, such as Billy
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Ray Cyrus. The loud exclamation can really turn people off and
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cause them to walk away from you, bewildered and pissed.
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--------------------
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Those were but the first steps to not being boring, but they're more than
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enough to get you started on the path back to "interestingness." As you
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evolve back to your original level of good conversational taste, you will
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discover other tips that will work for you. Feel free to share them with
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other recovering and current bores.
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Meanwhile, good luck!
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- Jim Douglas
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