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                                  August 25, 1991

                                     DARK1.ASC
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            This file shared with KeelyNet courtesy of Steve Erickson.
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                             UNIVERSAL THEORY OF DARK
                            --------------------------

       For years it  has  been  believed that electric bulbs emitted light.
       However, recent information has proven  otherwise.   Electric  bulbs
       don't emit light, they suck dark.

       Thus we call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory proves
       the existence of  dark,  that  dark has mass heavier  than  that  of
       light, and that dark is faster than light.

       The basis of  the  dark  sucker  theory  is that electric bulbs suck
       dark.  Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are.
       There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere.

       The larger the dark sucker, the greater  its  capacity to suck dark.
       Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity  than the
       ones in this room.

       As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever.  Once they
       are full of  dark,  they  can no longer suck.  This is proven by the
       black spot on a full dark sucker.

       A candle is a primitive dark sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.
       You will notice that after the first  use,  the  wick  turns  black,
       representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.

       If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the
       tip will turn black because it got in the way of  the  dark  flowing
       into the candle.  Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a
       very limited range.

       There are also  portable  dark  suckers.  The  bulbs  in these can't
       handle all of the dark by themselves,  and  must  be aided by a dark
       storage unit.   When  the  dark  storage unit is full,  it  must  be
       either emptied or  replaced  before  the  portable  dark  sucker can
       operate again.

       Dark has mass.  When dark goes into  a  dark  sucker,  friction from
       this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch  an operating
       dark sucker.

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       Candles present a  special problem, as the dark must travel into the
       solid wick instead of through glass.  This  generates a great amount
       of heat.  Thus  it  can  be  very  dangerous to touch  an  operating
       candle.

       Dark is also  heavier than light. If you swim just below the surface
       of a lake, you will see a lot of light.   If you swim deeper and
       deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker.

       When you reach a depth of approximatley fifty feet, you are in total
       darkness. This is because the heavier  dark  sinks  to the bottom of
       the lake and the lighter light floats to the top.

       The immense power of dark can be utilized to man's advantage. We can
       collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it
       through turbines,  which generates electricity and  helps  push dark
       to the ocean, where it may be safely stored.

       Prior to turbines,  it  was  it  was much more difficult to get dark
       from the rivers and lakes to the ocean.   The indians recognized
       this problem, and tried to solve it.

       When on a river in a canoe travelling  in  the same direction as the
       flow of dark,  they paddled slowly, so as not to stop  the  flow  of
       dark; but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled
       quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

       Finally, we must  prove  that dark is faster than light. If you were
       to stand in an illuminated room in  front  of a closed, dark closet,
       then slowly open  the  closet door, you would see the  light  slowly
       enter the closet;  but  since  the dark is so fast, you would not be
       able to see the dark leave the closet.

       In conclusion, I would like to say that dark suckers make all our
       lives much easier.  So the next time you look at an electric bulb
       remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

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              Thank you for your consideration, interest and support.

           Jerry W. Decker.........Ron Barker...........Chuck Henderson
                             Vangard Sciences/KeelyNet

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