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Taken from KeelyNet BBS (214) 324-3501
Sponsored by Vangard Sciences
PO BOX 1031
Mesquite, TX 75150
November 5, 1990
BEST1002.ASC
this file courteously shared by Larry Blue
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Our friend, Ed, the Texas A&M Aggie, got up one morning real early
to go ice-fishing. He gathered up his tackle, hammer and chisel and
headed to a new lake he'd heard about.
Arriving at dawn he gently walked out on the ice set up his stool
and got his tackle out. Then he picked up his hammer and chisel
and began chopping a hole in the ice to fish through...
Suddenly a booming voice from above said, "Don't cut a hole in the
ice. There are no fish below the ice."
Well, Ed, shook his head and looked around but didn't see anything.
Figgered it was his mind playing tricks on him. So he continued to
hack away at the ice. Moments later the voice boomed again,"You're
wasting your time! There are no fish below!"
Ed was sure he heard the voice that time. Touched with a feeling of
the supernatural he stood up with his arms outstretched to heaven.
"Lord, is that you talking to me?!?!"
After a brief pause the voice replied, " NO, this is the owner of
the skating rink!
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I finally tried that Preparation H they're always talking about on
TV. It tasted terrible, gave me bad breath, stained my teeth, and
ruined my toothbrush.
So all you people recommending it, as far as I'm con erned, you can
just stick it up your ASS!
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M R ducks
M R not
M R too
C M wangs
L I B
M R ducks!
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Duck walks into a 7-11 and asks for some chapstick.
Clerk says will that be cash or charge?
Duck says "Just put in on my bill!"
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How many Reagan Cabinet members does it take to change a light bulb?
None - They like to keep Ron in the dark.
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Page 1
This guy's sister wus soooo ugly...
Well, how ugly wuz she?
She wuz soooo ugly even the tide wouldn't take her out.
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A father of 3 teen-aged daughters answered the doorbell, and a young
man was standing there. "Yes?" said the father.
The young man said, "Hi, my name is Eddie, I've come to pick up
Betty; we're going out for spaghetti, is she ready?" "Sure," said
the proud pop.
A few minutes later, father answered the door a second time. The
young man, standing there with a box of candy, said, "Hi, my name is
Joe, I've come to pick up Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready
to go?" "Sure," said Pop.
Settling back in the easy chair, the doorbell rang a third time. On
answering the door, the young man standing there began, "Hi, my name
is Chuck..." "Get the hell outta here!" pop yelled.
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How come in 1967, the Jews beat Egypt in just 6 days?
Because the equipment was rented!
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A blind man walks into a store with a seeing eye dog.
He takes the dog by the tail, and starts to spin it in circles! One
of the store clerks comes up to him and says, "May I help you with
something?"
And the bind person says, "No thanks, I'm just looking around."
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This drunk was sitting on a bar stool when this lady walked in
carrying a duck under her arm. Drunk said, "Where'd you get that
pig?"
Lady said, "That's no pig, it's a duck." Drunk said, "I wasn't
talking to you. I was talking to the duck!"
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Q. Did you here about the carload of Hoosiers that froze to death at
the drive in?
A. They were trying to get in to see "Closed for the Season" !!
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Our old friend Ed (the Texas Aggie) and his life-long buddy, Earl,
went huntin' one day. They was walkin' through the woods when Earl
decided to relieve himself behind a bush... Well, he no sooner
dropped his overalls when a 6 foot rattlesnake popped outa no place
and bit him square on his privates.
Earl dropped to the ground in pain holding himself! Old square-
shootin' Ed ran over to the bush and blew the snake away.
Quickly assessin' the situation and the location of Earl's injury he
was in doubt as to what the proper course of action was. "Earl, you
been bit on a bad spot and I ain't quite sure as to what to do!" he
said.
"I'm in awful pain, Ed, you gotta do something quick!" cried Earl.
"Run down the hill to that veterinarian and see if he won't come
help me."
Page 2
Ed, took off runnin' feelin' that everythin' was gonna be okay if'n
he could get that old Aggie vet to come help his buddy. As he came
up ta the clinic the old vet was hoppin' in his pickup truck.
"Doc, Doc, ya gotta help my buddy he's been bit by a rattler!"
"Well, son, I wish I could help ya but I gotta run over ta the
Schultz farm and deliver a calf but let me tell you what ya gotta
do," said the vet.
"First, you grab the bit part in both hands and make two small
shallow X's on the fang marks. Then you put your mouth on the X's
and suck the venom out of the wound."
Ed thought for a moment then asked, "Doc, what happens if I don't do
that?"
The doc yelled out the window as he drove off, " Then he'll die!"
Ed hurried off back to Earl. Earl, still in mortal agony was
relieved to see him. Holding his purple, swollen privates he
pleaded, "Ed, what'd the Doc say?"
Ed looked at him mournfully. "Doc says you gonna die."
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An Eskimo came out of the Arctic and walked into a bar in Nome,
Alaska. He was dressed in traditional Eskimo garb but the bartender
noticed that this one particular Eskimo was carrying a shotgun and a
bucket of crap in one hand and a pretty fluffy cat in the other arm.
The Eskimo asked the bartender for a drink and he served him. After
he finished the drink, the Eskimo took his shotgun and fired it into
the bucket and then threw the cat on the floor and chased it out of
the bar.
Then he asked the bartender for another drink. The bartender
hesisantly complied but sure enough the Eskimo went through the same
routine! Again the Indian asked for another drink and again after
he finished his drink he took his shotgun and fired a round into the
bucket and dropped the cat on the floor and chased it out of the
bar.
When he asked for another drink the bartender finally asked, "Just
what the hell you think you're doing?"
"Huh?" asked the Eskimo. "Just trying to be like White Man!"
"What do you mean 'trying to be like a White Man'?" the bartender
queried.
"I drink whiskey, shoot the shit, and chase pussy...just like White
Man!"
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This "world-famous authority on the paranormal and supernatural"
gave a lecture at Texas A&M and was impressed by the fact that the
lecture hall was filled with Aggies eagerly listening and taking
copious notes.
At the conclusion of the lecture he announced a question and answer
Page 3
period. "Gentleman, my question and answer periods are two-way.
I'd like for you to ask me questions but first I'd like to ask the
audience a few things," he mentioned.
"Alright, how many have ya'll have ever SEEN a ghost?"
Well, everyone in the lecture hall raised their hands!
"How many of you have ever conversed with a ghost?"
About 1/2 the group raised their hands.
Very much impressed, he asked, "How many of you have ever touched a
ghost?"
Again, EVERYONE raised their hands.
"How many of you have ever had SEXUAL RELATIONS with a ghost? "
One solitary hand was raised. The professor was ecstatic. "Come
straight down to the podium, young man!" he commanded, "This is a
VERY RARE incident! Please, tell us all about your experience of
having sex with a ghost!"
The Aggie laughs and turns red-in-the-face.
"Ghost? We thought you was saying GOATS!"
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The mayor of New York offered a million dollars to anyone who could
rid the city of pigeons. After two weeks, a man called city hall
and agreed to do it, and the mayor met him on the brooklyn bridge at
noon the following day.
The man arrived with nothing but a pink pigeon, and at precisely
noon, let the bird fly free. Within minutes all of the pigeons in
New York city were following the bird. Then the man whistled, and
the pink pigeon flew back, and dove into the water drowning itself.
To the mayor's amazement, the rest of the pigeons followed, and
drowned in the river. The mayor was so pleased that he not only
paid the man $1 million, but also gave him a two hundred thousand
dollar bonus. After paying the man, the mayor asked, "you don't
have any pink puerto ricans, do you?"
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Why were women given two sets of lips?
So they could piss and moan at the same time.
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Definition of a Jewish dilemma: Free ham.
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Q: What has 300 legs and 7 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
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Have you heard about the NEW Feminine Hygiene spray?
It's called S.S.Y.
It takes the PU out of puSSY
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Page 4
How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't black?
Not even God could take a rib from a Black man!
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If at first you don't succeed...
Don't Try Skydiving!
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This lawyer walked into a bar with a toad on his head and ordered a
beer. Bartender served him and asked "what's that?"
"I don't know", said the toad, "it started out as a wart on my ass."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man is standing on the corner waiting for the street light
to change so he can cross the street. He is holding his familiar
red and white cane and in the other arm is a bag of groceries that
he has just purchased.
As he is waiting, a stray dog comes up to him, lifts its leg and
pisses all down the blind man's leg, into his pants cuff, and all
over his sock and into his shoe.
By way of response, the blind man merely removes a cookie from
within his bag of groceries, bends over slightly with the cookie in
his outstreched hand and says, "Good doggie...good doggie, get the
cookie, good doggie, attaboy."
A woman who was standing nearby, and who witnessed the entire
incident says to the blind man, "I can't beleive you're going to
reward that dog after what he just did."
"No," replied the blind man, "I'm just trying to find the dog's
head, so I can kick him in the ass!"
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This guy was sittin' out on his porch. Up the way, he saw his
hillbilly neighbor holding up one of his pigs in an apple tree. The
pig was eating the apples. Whenever the pig got full, he sat him
down and got another...
Finally, the guy walks over and says "Thats mighty good natured of
you, but ain't that a terrible waste of time?
The hillbilly replies: "Well, what's time to a pig?
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Little Johnnie was constantly telling stories & exaggerating. In
desperation, his parents decided they'd try sending him off to
sunday school. After the class, they asked him what he'd learned.
"Well, I heard about this guy named Moses & his people, and how this
army chased them with tanks & guns", he told them. "The army chased
Moses back up against the Red Sea. Then right at the last moment,
they found some canoes and escaped.".
Disgusted, his father said "Now that's not what they told you, is it
Johnnie?"
Johnnie said "No, but I figured you'd believe that before you'd
believe what they told me!".
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Page 5
Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?
A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo!
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While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his
boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to
the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist
shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the
shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of
the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
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Two Aggies purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a
try. After a long while, one Aggie said to the other, "Well, we'll
throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll
shoot the son of a bitch!"
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There once was a man named McNair
Who laid his wife on the stair
The bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in the air.
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>> FORD = Fucked Over Road Debris
Fucked On a Real Deal
Fuckin' Ol' Rebuilt Dodge
Found On Road Dead
Fix Or Repair Daily
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PALINDROMES (same thing spelled backwards or forwards)
"Naomi, sex at noon taxes," I moan!
"Never odd or even"
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How about the Indian chief who installed electric lights in the
tribal latrine?
It made him the first Indian ever to wire a head for a reservation.
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Question: How do you kill an Aggie?
Answer: Sneak up on him while he's getting a drink of water, then
slam the toilet seat on his head.
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Why did Occupation Safty Health Administration have to put the high
beam switch back on the floor?
Because Aggies kept getting their feet stuck in the steering wheel.
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Why do shepherd's wear robes?
because sheep can hear zippers a mile away.
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Page 6
HOW TO KNOW YOUR GROWING OLDER:
1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
2. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
3. You get winded playing chess.
4. You're still chasing women, but don't remember why.
5. You look forward to a dull evening.
6. You turn out the light for economic rather then romantic
reasons.
7. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
8. Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
9. Dailing long distance wears you out.
10. Your back goes out more than you do.
11. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a
pretty girl go by.
12. You sink youe teeth into a steak and they stay there.
13. A fortune teller offers to read your face.
14. You got to much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
cabinet.
15. Your children look middle aged.
16. You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
17. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
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My nookie days are over-
my pilot light is out,
what used to be my sex appeal-
is now my water spout.
Time was when of its own record-
from my trousers it would spring,
but now I've got a full time job-
to find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing-
the way it would behave,
for every single morning-
it would stand and watch me shave.
As my old age approaches-
it sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang its little head,
and watch me tie my shoes!
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Once there was a Texan who was visiting Harvard and was lost. He
stopped the first person he came to in the hall and said, "Can ya'll
tell me where the libary is at?"
To which the affronted Harvard grad replied, "Sir, this is Harvard.
At Harvard we never end our sentences with prepositions. Kindly
rephrase your question."
"OK, can ya'll tell me where the libary is at, asshole?"
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A Polish Mother writing a leter to her son
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm
writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast.
You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.
Page 7
About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500
men under him. He is cutting grass at the cemetery.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in,
but it isn't working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it,
pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out
whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know whether you are an aunt
or uncle.
Your uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin
Brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought
them off bravely. We cremated his body, and it took three days to
put out the fire.
Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a
bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer. It kept him going until
New Years Day. I went to the doctor on Thrusday and your father came
with me. The doctor put a small tube into my mouth and told me not
to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice last week. First for three days, and then
for four days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid
the same egg four times.
We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the
last installment wasn't paid on your grandmother within 7 days, up
she comes.
Your loving mother,
P.S. I was going to send you $10.00 but I had already sealed the
envelope.
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A Jewish boy asks his father for $15.
$10!" His dad exclaims.
"What do you need $5 for?"
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These 2 tribes had been fighting on and on for years and the losing
tribes's leader at the end of the war would have to submit himself
to the winning side and be killed.
Well, after one particularly bloody battle, the losing sides leader
went to the winners and when he arrived they told him they were
changing the rules around.
Okay, they said, this is what you have to do. They told him first
he had to swim across an alligator infested lake. After that go
into a certain cave where there lay a lion with an abcessed tooth,
and pull that tooth. After that go to the top of a huge castle
where there was a virgin girl and fix that.
After luckily swimming across that lake where half of his clothes
were torn to shreads, he jetted into the cave and after an hour of
roars, screams, hair flying out of the cave, the man walked out and
said, "Ok, now where is that girl with the abcessed tooth?"
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Page 8
There was this guy who got a job selling toothbrushes. He set up
his booth on a street corner, and the first week he sold 10
toothbrushes.
The boss told him, "Look. 10 is pretty good, but if you want to
keep your job, you had better do better than that." He said he
would try, and left.
The next week, the boss asked him how many he had sold, and he
replied, "100." "100!?!" exclaimed the boss. "How did you do
that?"
"Well, it was simple," he replied. "I just set up a booth with some
nacho chips and a big bowl of dip and a sign that said 'free chips
and dip'. People would walk up, get a chip and dip, and eat it.
They would say 'This dip tastes like shit!' and I would say 'It is!
Wanna buy a toothbrush?'"
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Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of the
American Indians. After a tour of the reservation they lived on,
she asked why there was a difference in the number of feathers found
in the headdresses of the various Indians.
She asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress what
this meant. His reply was "Me have only one squaw, me have only one
feather."
She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking,
this brave had four feathers in his headdress.. He replied, "Ugh, me
have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws"
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief.
Now the cheif had a headdress full of feathers which, needless to
say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the chief, "Why do you have so
many feathers in your headdress?"
The Chief proudly beat his chest and said, "Me chief, me fuck-em
all; big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all." Horrified, Ms. Walters
stated, " You should be hung." The cheif replied, "You damned right
me hung--me hung like buffalo."
Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so goddamn hostile." The
chief replied, "Hoss style, dog-style, any style, me fuck-em all."
Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The cheif replied,
"No deer,----me fuck no deer. Run too fast, assholes too high. No
fuck deer."
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A priest went golfing with a nun as his caddie. He is on the 3rd
hole and he's 4 inches from the hole, but he missed. He
mumbles,"F*cking sh*t I missed!"
The nun gasps and says,"Watch your language!!"
The priest goes to the 4th hole, he's 3 inches, but he missed! He
said,"F*cking sh*t I missed!!"
Page 9
The nun gasps and says," The Lord will get you if you aren't
careful!!"
The priest goes to the 5th hole and is 2 inches from the hole, but
misses!!
He screams," F*CKING SH*T I MISSED!!"
Then a big bolt of lightning comes down and hit's the priest and
kills him.
Then a big voice comes from Heaven that says,"Fucking shit I
missed!!!"
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Jerry W. Decker.........Ron Barker...........Chuck Henderson
Vangard Sciences/KeelyNet
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If we can be of service, you may contact
Jerry at (214) 324-8741 or Ron at (214) 242-9346
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Page 10
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