211 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
211 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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| --| The Art of Slurpee Running |-- |
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| A step-by-step guide to this infamous art of |
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| attaining and downing the ever-popular Slurpee |
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| _| Witnessed by: Ambush Bug |_ |
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| | Performed by: D.O.A. Inc | |
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|________________________________________________|
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Chapter I: An Introduction Into the Art of Slurpee Running
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______________________________________________________________________________
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The Slurpee Run -- one of the world's greatest adventures, this American
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pastime is an activity well worth further investigation. First off, I'd like
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to state, however, that this corporation does NOT condone counterfiet Runs,
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ONLY Runs for a GENUINE Slurpee, no cheap imitations like Frozen Cokes found
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in K-Mart...(tells a little of their quality there, eh?)...ONLY genuine Runs
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are acceptable, none other will be tolerated. As all know, the practice of
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conducting a Slurpee Run is a pilgrammage which many an American undertakes
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almost daily. This documentary is directed towards the education of modern
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Americans towards that purpose -- to better ones Slurping Skills, and to
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prevent faulty running for the same...
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Chapter II: Arriving at the Selected Slurpee Sanctuary
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The first step in correctly performing a Slurpee Run is the most critical
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one. It is imperative that this step be perfectly executed, down to the most
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minute detail. This step is, quite simply, arriving at the desired Slurpee
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Haven. Upon discovering ones craving for a Slurpee, you must find the most
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efficient and economical means of getting there, so that the money you save
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on Running can be used to purchase yet more of this brilliant bi-composed
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beverage.
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To plot the most economical means of transporting oneself to the desired
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Slurpee Outpost, mapping out your city is highly recommended. Using a compass
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and a straightedge T-square, this can be easily accomplished. As everyone
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knows, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Therefore,
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just sketch this line from your originating point, (usually your home), to the
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desired destination. Then plot your RunRoute by using the roads which follow
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this line most closely, as this will give you the shortest possible path to
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the desired Slurpee Shop. Although this may be the shortest route to the
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preferred Slurpee Outpost, it may not be the quickest nor the most efficient
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route, however, due to some traffic congestion or construction work. So...
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To avoid this problem, and to make your Run a tad more exciting, reroute
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your RunRoute through less travelled and more densely populated areas, like
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subdivisions, parking lots, and backyards. Many of the best RunRoutes have
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proven to exist through these areas. The latter example is probably the most
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advantageous RunSite, as there are so many possible time bonuses in the form
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of big wheels, trees, gardens, small dogs, and, of course, little kiddies. A
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successful collision with any of these objects results in a time bonus which
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may be subtracted from your overall RunTime. An extensive UPS chart can be
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found near the end of the "Advanced Slurpist's Handbook" which displays the
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Universal Point System...or the values for various objects and personnel. In
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many cases, the speed of the collision, the time at which the collision took
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place, and the full damage done upon impact are taken into account when one is
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determining the bonus awarded, so don't forget to take notes on these crucial
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qualities. So, more densely populated areas such as schoolyards, playgrounds,
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and apartment complexes should be taken into consideration when plotting out
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your RunRoute, as bonus points can significantly improve your RunTime. These
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points can be legally obtained, as, when one is making a Slurpee Run, all laws
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and rules are altered a bit -- anything and everything which might in any way
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assist your Run is made legal, and nothing is illegal. So, obviously, while
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one is on a Run, speed limits are, on the whole, ignored, and therefore should
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not be taken into consideration when plotting out your RunRoute.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Chapter III: Proper Entry Procedure
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______________________________________________________________________________
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The next step is arriving at and entering into the Holy Land. It has
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been determined through trial-and-error that stopping the car before entering
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the store is most beneficial. Throw the car into <P>ark, and this should put
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the automobile into a "Go-no-more" mode, significantly lowering your current
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velocity. You need not worry about parking your vehicle legally. While on a
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Run, parallell parking on the sidewalk, curb, or bicycle rack is not only
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acceptable, but expected. Remember, however, that parking on stray animals
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or little children is worthy of bonus points, and should be taken into account
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when looking for a space.
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Entering the Slurpee-Worshippers Temple is a religious experience. It
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is a moral imperative to throw open the door upon entering. Plainly pushing
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open the door and walking inside is a religous insurrection which will NOT be
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tolerated by any sane Slurpist. It is NOW when you must decide what flavor you
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most desire. Are you going to take the conservative Cola choice, or try the
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more exotic flavor in the opposite dispenser? This decision must be made
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while you are in motion, lest precious time be wasted deciding later. By the
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time you reach the counter, you MUST know what you want, and you must have the
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EXACT change onhand. Too much time can be wasted waiting for the cashier to
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hand you your change, so you must avoid that situation by handing the cashier
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the exact amount needed.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Chapter IV: Ordering and Serving the Slurpee -- Also, SelfServe!
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______________________________________________________________________________
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In the rush of performing an actual Slurpee Run, one's "order" may become
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slightly jumbled, or entirely unintelligible for that matter. This is not a
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problem, however, as the employees of 7-11 have been trained through previous
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orders to decipher such widely-used phrases as, "SlurpRun...CokeLargeNOW!",
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or, as in the case of more serious Slurpists, something a bit more confusing
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to the extent of, "<Grunt!> Nnnngh!", accompanied by frantic motions towards
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the Sacred Slurpee machine and the stack of large cups.
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However, many newer 7-11s have installed some Self-Serve Slurpee Stands,
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which significantly deplete the amount of time which you must spend inside the
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Haven while attaining your Slurpee, as you can then serve yourself at your own
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pace, and don't have to worry about confused cashiers. Another advantage of
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this service is the wait in line. You don't have to go to the back of the
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line at all, but rather just toss the owed money to the cashier and leave,
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while the other, more "normal" customers, must wait to be serviced.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Chapter V: Exiting and Departing the Haven Correctly
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As soon as you are served, exit as you entered. Speed is the MOST desired
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goal in this operation. The car door should already be open, the car should
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be in motion, and the driver should now be making his getaway from the Slurpee
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Synagogue. Many more experienced Slurpists, such as Acid Reign, Sid, and Riff
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Raff, prefer riding ATOP the vehicle, as they repeatedly insist that it is,
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indeed, the quickest way of "getting roadbound". However, if the next
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suggested step is performed it is strongly recommended that the Slurpist rides
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inside the vehicle...but, hey, it's up to you -- experiment!
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Chapter VI: Tips and Suggestions For a Quick and Clean GetAway
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Getting back onto the main road can prove to be difficult, and therefore
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may result in a MAJOR loss of time while one is forced to wait for the flow
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of traffic to slacken up. Therefore, the practice of "Forced Merging" now
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becomes extremely useful. When this is done, the Slurpist should be driving
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a very large, very nearly indestructable vehicle, such as a 1949 Cadillac
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hearse, (like the one owned by Bacardi and Acid Reign, for example) so that no
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permanent damage to your vehicle may be attained while performing this action.
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Lean on your horn, flip on your headlights, drop the accelerator, and you're
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off. Hopefully, the other cars will recognize that you are on a Slurpee Run,
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and will then allow you to merge into the flow of traffic. If not, then you
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simply "Force-Merge" your way onto the road. Sideswiping other vehicles
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causes minimal amounts of damage, and therefore is recommended as the best
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way to merge in. Direct contact may also be made, as long as the least amount
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of time is lost, and, of course, the Slurpees remain intact.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Chapter VII: The AfterMath
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Once you have fully completed your Run, you may relax and turn off your
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stopwatch. What was your RunTime? Try to better it next Run. The most
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advantageous quality of this "sport," however, is not the inner feeling of
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accomplishment, but rather the aftermath...actually downing the Slurpee. This
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in itself is an art form, and carries with it many possible dangers. Probably
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the accident most often made is "ee" overpopulation. This occurs when the
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Slurpist becomes "Slurped Out", and all the "Slurp" has been downed, leaving
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just the "ee". This "ee" is colorless, odorless, flavorless, and is, in
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itself, quite a dangerous plaything, due to its frigid nature. You must
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exercise extreme caution when you down this part of the drink, lest you become
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afflicted with one of the many fatal Slurpee Sicknesses. A very comprehensive
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listing of these afflictions can be found inside the infamous "Slurpist's
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Medical Journal," which gives cures, preventive measures, and descriptions
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of over 50 illnesses caused by incorrect Slurping. Or, for online cures,
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just contact Slurpee Central at 1-800-SLURPEE where professional Slurpists are
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standing by to assist you. But remember, many of these afflictions are simply
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a result of "ee" overpopulation, so avoid this situation AT ALL COSTS.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Chapter IX: In Conclusion...
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Remember, the habitual need to make a Slurpee Run is an essential part
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of human life. Many times, it ARRIVES to take possession of your soul at
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such Godforsaken hours as 5:00 AM, forcing you to hang up off of your favorite
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AE and make a Run...yet, be cautioned, many afflictions can become apparent
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upon attempting to incorrectly down a Slurpee -- be careful...many modern
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diseases do not yet have a cure, such as Slurpees, or freezing up of the
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testes region on the ride home due to the fact that you've noplace else to
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keep your Slurpee from spilling 'cept between your legs. Watch out...but
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don't forget to have fun and experiment with the various "traditional" modes
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of Slurpee Retrieval in order to discover your own...
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______________________________________________________________________________
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- Slurpee Running - is a TradeMark of DeadMan Operations and Activities, Inc.
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(K)opyWrong, 1985 -- D.O.A. All Rights Phucked
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______________________________________________________________________________
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[+] This Phile was Compiled by the Phollowing [+]
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Ambush Bug Riff Raff Acid Reign Sid Vicious
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<:> ...May You Never be Left With Just the "ee"... <:>
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______________________________________________________________________________
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