98 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
98 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
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WAYS TO HAVE A CHEAP THRILL... AT THE EXPENSE OF LAW-ABIDING AMERICAN
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CITIZENS:
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1) ORDER A BB MACHINE GUN. THEY GO FOR ABOUT $10 IF YOU SHOP AROUND, AND ARE
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CAPABLE OF WREAKING TOTAL HAVOC. THEY CAN HOLD AROUND 1000 BB'S, ARE LIGHT-
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WEIGHT (PLASTIC, PVC) COME WITH SHOULDER STOCK, AND CAN BE POWERED WITH A
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STANDARD FREON CAN, OR COMPRESSOR.
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2) ASSEMBLE SOME HOME-BREW MX MISSILES. GO OUT AND BUY A DOZEN SMALL ESTES
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ROCKETS - ONE STAGE, NO CHUTE NECESSARY (NOSE CONE SHOULD BE REMOVABLE) AND
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PREFERABLY ONE WITH A HOLLOW, PLASTIC NOSE PIECE. THEY COST AROUND 3 DOLLARS
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A THROW. ARM THESE WITH M-80'S (OR ANY OTHER DEATH DEVICE) TIGHTLY PACKED
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IN THE NOSE CONE. USE A C-ENGINE WITH A FUSE OR ELECTRIC LAUNCHER. THE KICK-
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BACK FROM THE ENGINE SHOULD, IF THE BODY IS SHORT AND YOU DON'T USE WADDING,
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IGNITE THE FUSE. I'VE FOUND BEST SPORT IS TO FIRE THESE BUGGERS AT PASSING
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BOATS AND SHIPS FROM THE WEST SIDE (DESERTED) ELEVATED HIGHWAY AT NIGHT.
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USE ABOUT A 45 DEGREE ANGLE FOR OPTIMUM BANG-FOR-THE-BUCK.
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3) ONE OF THE BEST THINGS TO DO TO A PHONE BOOTH WITH A WHITE PAGES BOOK
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ATTACHED TO IT, IS TO USE A TORCH TO MELT THE BACK OF THE HANDSET AND WELD IT
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TO THE PLASTIC COVER OF THE BOOK.
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4) PHONE PHUN - IF YOU ARE BORED OF CHEATING GM EXECS OUT OF DOUGH BY USING
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THEIR ACCOUNTS ON TRAVEL NET AND CALLING OUTER MONGOLIA, TRY SOME >REAL<
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PHONE PHUN. BE IMAGINATIVE. ASK KEDORG ABOUT THE TIME HE GOT A WOMAN TO
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CUT OFF HER PHONE'S GREEN (RECEIVING) WIRE... HE EVEN HAS A TAPE OF THE
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SESSION
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THE NICE THING ABOUT PHONE PHUN IS THAT IT IS ABSOLUTELY ALMOST FREE. YOU
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CAN ALSO DO SOME AWESOME STUFF IF YOU HAVE MULTIPLE LINES. TRY CALLING DIAL
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A PRAYER AND CONNECTING IT WITH SOME POOR SLOB. HE'LL THINK DIAL A PRAYER
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MADE THE CALL.... OR IF YOU WANNA SEE FEATHERS FLY, AND CHICKENS SQUABBLE,
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CALL TWO OPERATORS AND PATCH 'EM IN TOGETHER.
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5) BB GUN FUN - IF YOU HAVE A GOOD BB GUN WITH A SCOPE, YOU CAN DO SOME
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AMAZING DAMAGE. I HAVE A CROSSMAN 766 WITH A BUSHNELL 4X SCOPE WHICH ALLOWS
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ME TO USE .177 CAL. PELLETS, OR 5 BB ROUNDS SHOT-GUN STYLE. KILLING
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PIGEONS IS FUN.
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WHAT WAS I UP TO? 6? ANYWAY, A GOOD BB GUN WITH PELLETS AT 650-700 FPS CAN
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KNOCK
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OUT A GOOD PLATE WINDOW FROM 100 YARDS OR SO. DEPENDING ON THE TYPE OF POINT
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THE PELLET HAS, YOU CAN MAKE PUNCTURE HOLES, OR SMASH THE ENTIRE WINDOW.
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8) WRIST ROCKETS - OK, SO YOU'RE TOO CHEAP TO BUY A RIFLE... THEN GO OUT AND
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GET
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A WRIST ROCKET. ALTHOUGH THEY ARE SUBSTANTIALLY LESS POWERFUL, THEY CAN BE
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EFFECTIVELY EMPLOYED AS TERROR INSTRUMENTS. IF YOU'RE STRONG, YOU CAN KNOCK
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OUT
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MOST NORMAL WINDOWS AT 100 YARDS. SEE IF YOU CAN KNOCK OUT A BUS WINDOW... I
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SWEAR TO GOD, THOSE NEW GM BUSES HAVE WINDOWS MADE OF TITANIUM OR SOMETHING.
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8) YOU CAN WREAK MUCH HAVOC OFF A GOOD ROOF AS WELL. ASK MR. DEATH ABOUT
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THAT!
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IN GENERAL, YOU WANT TO BE ON AS HIGH A ROOF AS POSSIBLE WHICH WILL ALLOW
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ACCURATE BOMBARDMENT. THIS WAY, ESPECIALLY IF THE BUILDING HAS SEVERAL APTS.
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AND TERRACES, YOUR TARGET WILL BE UNABLE TO LOCATE YOU. FIREWORKS DROPPED
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FROM
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ROOVES IS ALWAYS ENTERTAINING. EGGING IS AN EXCELLENT WAY TO PASS SOME TIME
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TOO. DURING PARADES AND SHIT YOU CAN REALLY WREAK TREMENDOUS DISRUPTION BY
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THROWING EGGS BY THE DOZEN INTO THE CROWD. THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN
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WAS MR. DEATH EGGING A WOMAN IN THE WEST VILLAGE HALLOWEEN PARADE WHO DRESSED
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AS
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A CLOWN... THE EGG JUST LANDED ON HER TECHNICOLOR AFRO-WIG AND SHOWERED HER.
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9) PIGEON FUN - THIS IS REALLY A SEPARATE CATAGORY FOR YOU PIGEON DIE-HARDS
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OUT
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THERE. I MENTIONED PLUGGING THEM WITH BB'S... YOU CAN ALSO TRY: TYING THEIR
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LEGS TOGETHER... JUST WATCH THES TRY TO LAND ON A LEDGE; TYING M-80S TO THEIR
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FEET... WHAT A TRIP! TYING STRING AROUND THEIR BODY SO THEY CAN'T USE THEIR
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WINGS AND DROPPING THEM OFF A BUILDING, AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE, STRAPPING
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THEM
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TO AN ESTES HOME-BREW MX MISSILE, AND WATCHING THE FEATHERS FLY.
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10) FLY FUN - THIS IS MY LATEST HOBBY. MY HOUSE WAS RECENTLY INVADED BY A
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SWORM
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OF SICKLY HUGE (I MEAN >HUGE<) FLIES, AND I HAVE BEEN DEVISING CONSTRUCT- IVE
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WAYS OF TERMINATING THEM... AND I HAVE COME UP WITH SEVERAL EFFECTIVE AND
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ENTERTAINING MEANS. MY FAVORITE WAY IS TO SHOOT THEM WITH RUBBER BANDS (THICK,
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STRONG). REMEMBER TO HAVE A VACUUM HANDY THOUGH, SINCE THEY USUALLY BREAK UP
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INTO ITY-BITY PIECES. TRY SWATTING THEM IN MID-AIR. IF YOU HIT THEM HARD
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ENOUGH, YOU CAN HEAR THEM GO "CLICK" AND SAIL ACROSS THE ROOM... THEM FIND
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THEM
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AND DISPOSE OF THEM. ALTERNATIVELY, IF YOU FIND THEM AND THEY ARE ONLY
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STUNNED,
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TAKE A SPOOL OF THREAD AND TIE THE END AROUND ITS NECK. LEAVE THE SPOOL WITH
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SOME SLACK IN A VISIBLE PLACE, AND YOU HAVE AN INSTANT CONVERSATION PIECE!
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JUST
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IMAGINE WHAT YOUR FRIENDS WILL THINK! THIS IS NOT ADVISABLE WITH NYC FLIES...
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YOU WILL PROBABLY CONTRACT A TERRIBLE DISEASE AND DIE A FIERY DEATH. FLY'S
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REVENGE.
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WELL, THAT'S IT FOR NOW. GO OUT AND HAVE SOME REAL FUN. WHO NEEDS TO PLAY
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SPY HUNTER OR GALAXIAN WHEN YOU CAN WREAK >TRUE< HAVOC AROUND YOUR BLOCK?
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I'LL BE BACK WITH THE LATEST IN FALL FUN NEXT TIME, ON EVERYONE'S FAVORITE
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SHOW ---- CAPTAIN CRASH AND THE DEATH SQUADS OF THE COMMUNIST MUTANT WORLD!
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MISTER YANSU
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