151 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
151 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
|
From jon@Apple.COM Tue Apr 18 19:45:02 1989
|
|||
|
|
From: jon@Apple.COM (Jon Singer)
|
|||
|
|
Subject: Backwoods fun
|
|||
|
|
Reply-Path: apple.com!jon
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
(from Jon Singer and Michael Butler)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
(taken from Pyro Joe's Hot Flashes, pp 137-151)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Now, kids, it's tahm ta talk about dee-layed gratification.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
....
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Here's one that'll tickle ya pink! (Also black & blue if ya
|
|||
|
|
stand around it too long. Take a hint from ol' Joe.)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
How menny Whut is it Where d'ya git it
|
|||
|
|
___________________________________________________________________________
|
|||
|
|
1 1 inch cube of 90% Palladium any good hardware store
|
|||
|
|
with 10% Titanium should have it
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1 4 inch length of gold wahr steal from yore sister's
|
|||
|
|
earrin's
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
5 gallons heavy water, with 10% steal frum Navy base
|
|||
|
|
DTO (th' "Jolt" version, or borry frum naybors.
|
|||
|
|
heh heh.)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1 cup Lithium Lye, with Deuterium, war surplus store
|
|||
|
|
USGummint #3039924057394XD
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1 1 to 3 volt, 30 amp pahr splah hell, bild it, use
|
|||
|
|
pappy's arc welder,
|
|||
|
|
or whutever.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1 special currint reggalater bild it.
|
|||
|
|
(figger 3, end of chapter)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1 Kickass(tm) 8 week high-reliability ain'tchoo gotta hardware
|
|||
|
|
timer or equiv'lint bin? Call up Bud's
|
|||
|
|
Scientific Splah.
|
|||
|
|
Don't let on whut it's for.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1 big moonshahn crock, with lid. c'mon, ya gotta know
|
|||
|
|
where ta git basics!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
th' usual wahr an' stuff, as requahred.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
How d'ya do it, Joe?
|
|||
|
|
_____________________
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Wal, ya find a ol' shack on a hill somewheres that still got pahr
|
|||
|
|
goin' to it. (Elsewise, ya gots ta use a whole lotta ol' truck
|
|||
|
|
batt'ries, which is tuff ta hump around.) Put th' crock in th' shack,
|
|||
|
|
and pour th' Jolt water inta it. Stir in th' Lithium Lye, slow an'
|
|||
|
|
careful. Don't splash none, an' don't add th' stuff too quick, now.
|
|||
|
|
Cover it real taht, so's ya don't lose too much. Y'all don't wanna
|
|||
|
|
hafta sneak inta th' navybase again, do ya? Them guys got guns & stuff
|
|||
|
|
and they ain't afraid ta use it.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
So, ennyway, see, ya bild the pahr splah, an' ya bild th' currint
|
|||
|
|
reggalater in figger 3 at th' end of th' chapter, the one with the
|
|||
|
|
special shunt cirkit fer changin' the currint. Thet's whar th'
|
|||
|
|
Kickass tahmer goes. Test it ta be sure that th' current starts at
|
|||
|
|
about 30 amps and goes down ta 10 or 15 when th' tahmer goes off.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Bild th' other stuff lahk in figger 2. Cart th' whole mess down ta th'
|
|||
|
|
shack, and put th' bizniz end inta the Jolt water. Don't leave th' lid
|
|||
|
|
off too long, now. Cover it up good, an' duck tape it, specially th'
|
|||
|
|
place wher the wahrs come out. Ah got me some motorcycle ground strap,
|
|||
|
|
which is read'ly avail'ble an' flat, so it don't queer up the fit o'
|
|||
|
|
the lid. Bolt the straps down real secure, an' put vaseline on th'
|
|||
|
|
bolts.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Now, set th' Kickass tahmer fer 8 weeks, plug th' pahr splah in,
|
|||
|
|
make sure ya got 30 amps, an' take a hike.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
'Member, neutrons ain't yer frens. Keep ol' Blue away from th' shack
|
|||
|
|
unless ya want two-headed puppies runnin' around eatin' too much,
|
|||
|
|
probly worrit yore mom no end, an' if ya gotta go in ther ta check,
|
|||
|
|
don't stay long. Ya want ol' Joe's advice, after around 7 weeks, don't
|
|||
|
|
go in ther atall.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
This hear makes a real 'hot flash', an' in fact, it's whut this book
|
|||
|
|
is named fer. Y'all kin see th' flash from a couple mahls away, raht
|
|||
|
|
through th' av'ridge wall, so don't go bildin' it in yer basemit. Got
|
|||
|
|
thet? No need ta keep it too close ta home, raht? Ya kin get caught
|
|||
|
|
with it if it's too close. Besides, ya don't want yer sister fahndin'
|
|||
|
|
out wher her earrin's got off ta. She probly woont lahk it, an' she'll
|
|||
|
|
make ya cut her in on the deal. 'Course, thet maht not be too bad, if
|
|||
|
|
she's good with a soldrin' ahrn. Probly bilds good pahr splahs, an
|
|||
|
|
that's importunt ta this 'hot flash'.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Ah got trouble, Joe. Now whut?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
______________________________
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Whut happen Whut ta do
|
|||
|
|
___________________________________________________________________________
|
|||
|
|
ya hair falls out Dummy! I tol' ya not ta stan' aroun' up
|
|||
|
|
in hanks close-lahk! Thow away yer clothin', an'
|
|||
|
|
take lots o' shahrs. Eat some vitamin E,
|
|||
|
|
an' call th' doc ef'n it don't stop in
|
|||
|
|
a spell.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
red skin & funny spots same thing.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
juice won't drop to shunt circuit screwed up, or ya bought a cheap
|
|||
|
|
10-15 amps tahmer. Don't bah you no cheap tahmers!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
no flash after 8 th' Authority mebbe cut yer pahr. Wait 2 more
|
|||
|
|
weeks is gone bah weeks an' then check fer pahr at the wall sockit.
|
|||
|
|
Ef thet don't work, check the pahr splah. Ah
|
|||
|
|
tol' ya yer sister probly bild it better then
|
|||
|
|
you, ya shoulda listened. Also check th'
|
|||
|
|
tahmer. 'Member whut ah sed about cheap ones!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Big wet spot ya crock leak? If no leaks, check the roof. If
|
|||
|
|
the roof leaks, don't worrit yerself. If th'
|
|||
|
|
crock leaks, fix it quick.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
'lectrode turns brown probly yer Lithium Lye is contaminatid. Ya can
|
|||
|
|
give it up, or start over.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
runs hot only happins once in a whahl. Swipe Grampa's
|
|||
|
|
ol' still-tubin', an' make lahk a li'l still
|
|||
|
|
coil with it. Jes' run th' outlet back inta
|
|||
|
|
the crock. Duck tape the whole mess real good.
|
|||
|
|
If thet ain't enuf, use a truck radiater.
|
|||
|
|
Don't drink the stuff, neither! Taste lahk
|
|||
|
|
hell, take it from one that knows.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Youall have fun, now. Ef ya hit the sweet spot, th' hill will glow fer
|
|||
|
|
munths. Thet means you done real good! Set up a "myst'ry spot" sahn,
|
|||
|
|
an' charge th' city folks a dollar a look.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Yore Frend,
|
|||
|
|
Joe
|
|||
|
|
--
|
|||
|
|
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
|
|||
|
|
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
|
|||
|
|
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
|
|||
|
|
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|