206 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
206 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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[/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\]
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[\] [/]
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[/] THE REAL PIRATE'S GUIDE [\]
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[\] [/]
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[/] COMPILED BY [\]
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[\] RABID RASTA [/]
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[/] [\]
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[\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/]
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[SIMULATION]
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FROM-> JHONNY THE AVENGER
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DATE-> SAT AUG 4 10:21 PM
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I SAW YOUR MESSAGE ON THE PIRATE BOARD ABOUT YOU HAVEING SIDE 2 OF SUMMER GAM
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ES!MY CONNECTIONS MR.ZEROX AND CHEIF S URGEN BLACK BAG ARE'NT AROUND TO MAIL IT
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2 ME SO WANNA DO SOME SERIUS TRADEI NG?I HAVE GRAFORTH ,CHOPLIFTER ,MARS CARS
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,DISK MUNCHER AND SOME K00L OTHER
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STUFF AND GAMES.CALL ME AT 312-323- 3741.IF YOU NEED PHREAK CODES I HAVE THEM
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TO AND BOX PLANS.BYE
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*** ***** **
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* * * *
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* * * ******
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** HONNY * HE * * VENGER
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*THE KNIGHTS OF MYSTERIOUS KEYBOARDS*!
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THE AWESOMEST HACK GROUP IN TOWN
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IS THE AUTHOR OF THE ABOVE MESSAGE A TRUE PIRATE? SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME
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THERE HAS BEEN AN IMPLICIT CODE OF ETIQUETTE GOVERNING THE ACTIONS OF SOFTWARE
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PIRATES, BUT AS MANY OF YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED AS OF LATE, THAT CODE HAS BEEN
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KNOCKED AROUND A BIT. ALTHOUGH IT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO DIFFERENTIATE A TRUE
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PIRATE FROM ONE OF THESE POOR IMI TATIONS, I BELIEVE THAT, WITH THE NUM- BER OF
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TRUE PIRATES DECREASING AT SUCH AN ALARMING RATE, THIS CODE SHOULD BE SET
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STRAIGHT. AFTER ALL, ALTHOUGH "JHONNY" IS ADMITTEDLY A MORON, IT'S NOT HIS
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FAULT THAT HE NEVER RECEIVED PROPER GUIDANCE.
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ONE OF THE FIRST AND FOREMOST RULES OF PIRACY: REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS
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OLD! EXCEPTIONS TO THIS RULE ARE EX- TREMELY RARE AT BEST.
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COROLLARY: YOU NEVER HAVE TO WONDER WHO BREEDED MICKEY MOUSE WITH A 2600 HZ
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TONE TO PRODUCE A REAL PIRATE'S VOICE.
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ALIASES
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-------
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REAL PIRATES ARE MORE IMAGINATIVE THAN TO USE THE WORD "COPY" IN THEIR ALIAS.
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COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES AREN'T NAMED "MR. COPY" BECAUSE REAL PIRATES DON'T
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BRAG ABOUT CRACKING DUNG BEETLES.
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THE WORD "CRACK" (OR "KRACK") IS FOUND NOWHERE IN A REAL PIRATE'S NAME...UN-
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LESS HE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO.
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REAL PIRATES' ALIASES DON'T SOUND AS IF THEY WERE EXTRACTED FROM THE LYRICS OF
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AN OZZY OZBOURNE SONG (I.E. PROVISIONER OF SATAN, BLACK AVENGER, DARK PHANTOM,
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ETC.).
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REAL PIRATES DON'T NAME THEMSELVES AF- TER HEAVY METAL GROUPS.
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REAL PIRATES, IF NAMED AFTER SOME AS- PECT OF PIRATE LEGEND (I.E. JOLLY ROGER,
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CAPTAIN HOOK, EYE PATCH, ETC.) DON'T SAY, "AVAST YE SCURVY DOGS," OR ANYTHING
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OF THE LIKE.
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REAL PIRATES' NAMES AREN'T PARODIES OF OTHER REPUTABLE PIRATES (I.E. RESIDENT
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OF LAVENDER BAG, MR. PAC MAN, FRANKLIN BANDIT, ETC.).
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REAL PIRATES DON'T NAME THEMSELVES AF- TER ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES (I.E. JACK
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DANIELS, HARVEY WALLBANGER, JIM BEAM, ETC.) ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'VE NEVER HAD
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ONE.
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REAL PIRATES SPELL THEIR ALIASES COR- RECTLY (UNLIKE "THE POENIX").
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REAL PIRATES AREN'T NAMED SAM HOUSTON, SIR SPANKY, THE GAMEMASTER, LORD FAGEN,
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NIKKI SIX, (INSERT YOUR OWN LOSERS HERE), OR MR. COPY.
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WARES
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-----
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REAL PIRATES WOULD NEVER THINK OF DE- LETING "SABOTAGE". IT'S TOO MUCH FUN
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IMAGINING THOSE LITTLE MEN ARE ACTUAL- LY SIR KNIGHT.
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REAL PIRATES PLAY "BILESTOAD".
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REAL PIRATES HAVE LONG SINCE DELETED "SNEAKERS", "E.T.", "ALIEN MUNCHIES", "BUG
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BATTLE", "SNACK ATTACK", AND EVERYTHING FROM SSI, AVALON HILL, AND SCOTT ADAMS.
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REAL PIRATES UPLOAD. THEY REALIZE THAT LEECHING IS THE #2 SIN (BEHIND, OF
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COURSE, BEING 13 YEARS OLD).
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REAL PIRATES REALIZE THAT PENGUIN AREN'T REALLY "THE GRAPHICS PEOPLE".
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REAL PIRATES FEEL GUILTY WHEN PIRATING BEAGLE BROTHERS. OF COURSE, THAT NEVER
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STOPS THEM.
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REAL PIRATES DON'T BELIEVE THE MORONS WHO SAY THEY HAVE ULTIMA IV AND POLE
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POSITION.
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COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES REALIZE THAT THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FORMULA I
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RACER AND POLE POSITION.
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BOARDS
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------
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REAL PIRATES AREN'T THE FIFTH TO POST THE SAME "I HAVE..." MESSAGE.
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CORROLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T POST "I HAVE..." MESSAGES WHEN THEY REALLY DON'T
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HAVE.
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REAL PIRATES DON'T DOWNLOAD PROGRAMS FROM PUBLIC AE'S AND THEN POST "I KNOW
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IT'S OLD, BUT I HAVE...TOO" MESSAGES ON PIRATE BOARDS.
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REAL PIRATES DON'T POST THEIR HIGH SCORES.
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COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T KEEP SCORE.
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REAL PIRATES DON'T SAY "K-K00L", "K-AWESOME", "X10DER", "L8R0N", OR ANYTHING OF
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THE SORT.
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REAL PIRATES KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BE- TWEEN "F" AND "PH" (I.E. "PHILES",
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"PHUCK", "FONE", ETC.).
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REAL PIRATES DON'T WASTE EVERYONE'S TIME BACKSPACING OVER THEIR ALIAS 50 TIMES.
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COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T USE BACKSPACING IN FEEDBACK TO SYSOPS. (SYSOPS
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DON'T READ FEEDBACK AT 300 BAUD)
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REAL PIRATES NEVER USE TEXT GRAPHICS IN THEIR MESSAGES.
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REAL PIRATES DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CURSE BBS'S "K-K00L M0DS".
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REAL PIRATES DON'T SEARCH FOR NEW WAYS TO SPELL "WARES".
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REAL PIRATES DON'T USE THE LAST 5 LINES OF THEIR MESSAGES BRAGGING ABOUT THE 8
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MEANINGLESS ORGANIZATIONS THAT THEY BELONG TO.
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COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES DON'T BELONG TO SWAPP, DOS/NPG, OR NASCOMP.
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REAL PIRATES WHO ARE GBBS SYSOPS ARE PROUD TO HAVE STOLEN FROM GREG SCHAEFER.
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REAL PIRATES ARE SATISFIED WITH ONE EXCLAMATION POINT.
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REAL PIRATES DON'T CALL DIAL-YOUR- MATCH.
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REAL PIRATES NEVER GET INTO "BITCH WARS" UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY ARE GRINDING
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SOME 13 YEAR OLD TI USER INTO THE DUST.
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TRANSFERS
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---------
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REAL PIRATES DON'T DFX.
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REAL PIRATES NO LONGER BUY MICROMODEM II'S, SSM MODEMCARDS, OR NETWORKER
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MODEMS.
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COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES BUY APPLE CATS.
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COROLLARY TO THE COROLLARY: REAL PI- RATES ACCEPT THE REALITY THAT 300 BAUD IS
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DEAD.
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REAL PIRATES AREN'T AROUND TO TRADE ON FRIDAY OR SATURDAY NIGHTS.
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COROLLARY: REAL PIRATES HAVEN'T WATCHED LOVE BOAT SINCE THEY WERE 13.
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REAL PIRATES TYPE "BRUN AE" WITHOUT THE SPACEBAR IN BETWEEN.
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REAL PIRATES CAN GET DISKFER/CATSEND TO WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
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CONCLUSION
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----------
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THAT'S IT...FOR NOW. SINCE LOSERS IN- VENT NEW WAYS TO BE LOSERS EVERY DAY,
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EXPECT A "REAL PIRATE'S GUIDE, VOLUME 2" VERY SOON.
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IF ANY OF YOU WERE TERRIBLY OFFENDED BY ANYTHING IN THIS FILE, THAT'S YOUR CLUE
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TO RETIRE FROM THE PIRATE WORLD. AFTER ALL, REAL PIRATES DON'T GET OFFENDED BY
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THINGS WRITTEN IN TEXTFILES.
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THANKS TO THE FOLLOWING FOR THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS TO THIS FILE:
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OTTO SHINEFLUG, CTRL RESET, BIT O'NASTY, LORD CHAOS, NILONIEL I, AND WHATEVER
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CON MAN CALLS HIMSELF OUT OF STATE.
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(C)1984 RABID RASTA;
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UBANGI JUNGLE PUBLISHING
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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