179 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
179 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
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Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!mips!swrinde!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!world!kibo
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From: kibo@world.std.com (James 'Kibo' Parry)
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Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,talk.bizarre,alt.religion.kibology
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Subject: BIFF"S BRANE PART III & the very first Deep Space Nine parody?
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Message-ID: <BJpBzu.3J2@world.std.com>
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Date: 16 Feb 92 06:43:05 GMT
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Organization: A room filled with typography (in Boston's Back Bay)
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Lines: 167
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Xref: moe.ksu.ksu.edu alt.startrek.creative:1579 talk.bizarre:78047
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[]
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************************************
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STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE
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or
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THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!!
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**************************************************
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A K00L STORY !!!!!!!!
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BUY KIBIFF !!!!!!!!!1!!
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### Deep Space Nine commander's log, stardate 920215. Admiral Wesley
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crusher reporting. I have assumed command of this station. In my
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first ten minutes in charge of this space station, I have (1) invented
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a new propulsion system, (2) acted as matchmaker for a trio of aliens
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from the Planet of The Four Sexes, (3) solved Fermat's Last Theorem,
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(4) almost kissed my first girl, and (5) saved Deep Space Nine from
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falling into the black hole through judicious application of a gravity
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slingshot made from my underwear. Now, I am about to take a break from
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all this work, by going down to the lab to synthesize retroviral RNA
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protein-coding sequences. ###
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Wesley wandered weenily down the corridor to his vast laboratory,
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passing the transporter room, Sickbay, and the new improved holodeck
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(now with odors!) He powered up his futuristic non-high-definition
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video monitor, booted up his futuristic 68020-based Mac II, and pulled
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his futuristic ill-fitting shirt into position.
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He was going to try to clone the late Tasha Yar's half-Romulan
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daughter's evil twin's time-hiatused younger self's robot duplicate's
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Klingon lover, to bring Tasha back from the grave again. He ran his
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fingers down the shelf of germ cultures, to find the proper Petri dish:
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Streptococci * BIOHAZARD
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Andromeda Strain * BIOHAZARD
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Romulan ale-making yeast * BIOHAZARD
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Pond Scum * BORING
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AIDS * BIOHAZARD
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Silicobacter Wieneri * BIOHAZARD
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Spam culture * BIOHAZARD
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Tasha Yar * SEXY
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BIFF * BIOHAZARD
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As Wesley reached for Tasha's dish, Captain Picard (Wesley's
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second-in-command) strolled into the room and distracted him. Wesley
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gaped. Some evil force had Krazy-Glued a bad toupee to the captain's
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cranium!
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"WESLEY, GET THIS THING OFF ME!" Picard bellowed in perfect
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Shakespearean cadence, while adjusting his ill-fitting shirt. Wesley
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grabbed a phaser and fired. The toupee was instantaneously converted
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to energy and vanished. The captain and his scalp were, of course,
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unharmed. Picard thanked him and left.
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Wesley put the dish into the clone synthesizer, not realizing that
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Tasha's genetic material was still on the shelf. Moments later, BIFF
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stepped out.
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"HEY D00D !!!1 THANX A MILI0N 4 CL0NING ME !!!!!!!11" said Biff at
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normal volume.
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Wesley screamed and ran.
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(LOUD FANFARE)
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**************************************************
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************************************
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STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE
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or
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THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!!
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**************************************************
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************************************
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(COMMERCIALS)
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Wesley ran for the transporter room. His only hope was to lure
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BIFF onto the dematerialization thingie and beam him into the black
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hole down the street.
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However, BIFF failed to follow him. The BIFFster header for the
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main computer nexus instead.
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The Daystrom Quasitronic M-80 processor filled an entire room. It
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was a computer composed of a vast neural net to which human engrams had
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been copied. Dianetic technicians audited the computer constantly to
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track the engrams.
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BIFF sat down at a console and logged in.
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#PSUMTS MTS at PSU -- Penn State University
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$SIGNON BIFF
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#Enter password.
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?BIFF
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#This signon ID expired more than three hundred
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#years ago.<<<Call Cleared>>>
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BIFF cried! Now he would never again be able to post to Usenet!
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And worse, he had missed three hundred years of alt.flame! In a fit of
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rage, he ripped the network cable from the wall and flung the end of it
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out the window. The cable fell into the black hole, and along it, all
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of Usenet was sucked in! All the thousands of groups and sub.groups
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and sub.sub.sub.sub.sub.groups vanished forever! He adjusted his
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ill-fitting shirt.
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Just then, Spock entered the room and gave BIFF the Vulcan Nerd
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Pinch. BIFF collapsed like a bag of cow livers.
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Spock picked him up with rubber gloves and carried him to the
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transporter room. He dumped BIFF onto a de-mat platform Wesley
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energized the unit. Suddenly, just as BIFF began to sparkle, he woke
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up, and grabbed Wesley's Gumby hairdo. BIFF and Wesley both vanished!
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Spock worked the transporter controls frantically to bring them
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back--he HAD to save Wesley, because Wesley was the only person in the
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whole Universe smarter than Spock. With a sound like a vacuum cleaner
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swallowing its tongue, the transporter reversed. One set of sparkles
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re-appeared as someone materialized...
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"HEY THEIR MISTER SP0K !!!!111 IM WESBIFF !!!!!! I FEEL LIEK A
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NEW D00D !!!!!!1 H0W R U ????/"
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Spock screamed.
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(LOUD FANFARE)
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**************************************************
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************************************
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STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE
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or
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THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!!
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**************************************************
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************************************
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(COMMERCIALS)
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### Commander's Log, stardate 920216. Due to a transporter
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malfunction, I have been merged with a twentieth-century parasite
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called BIFF. Fortunately, this log had been pre-recorded a month ago,
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as in my present state I am obviously incapable of higher reasoning.
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"HEY D00D D0 U N0 ANY VULCAN GIRLZ ????? IM H0RNY !!!!!1" WesBIFF
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asked Spock. Spock adjusted his shirt as he fainted.
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WesBIFF got into the turbolift and pushed all the buttons. He got
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off on the next deck to look for a restroom.
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There weren't any.
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In a few days, WesBIFF exploded, and everyone was happy again.
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Unfortunately, one small fragment of WesBIFF was hurled into the black
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hole. It emerged on the far side of the galaxy, collided with Voyager
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Seven and was reborn as WesBIFFger, then travelled through time and
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mated with the late Tasha Yar to produce WesBIFFgerYar, but then the
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Borg absorbed WesBIFFgarYar, and then RoboWesBIFFgerYar accidentally
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destroyed the Universe with his underwear.
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(LOUD FANFARE)
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**************************************************
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************************************
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STAR TREK: PLAN NINE FROM DEEP SPACE
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or
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THE RETERN OF THEY SAVED BIFF"S BRANE PART III !!!
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**************************************************
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************************************
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(COMMERCIALS)
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Mr. Data fed his cat Spot and said, "Well, I guess now our problems
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are cat-alyzed." Everyone laughed.
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(FADE OUT)
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--
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.................. ...................................................
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James "Kibo" Parry 271 Dartmouth St #3D, Boston MA 02116 (617)262-3922
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kibo@world.std.com Independent graphic designer and typeface designer.
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