212 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
212 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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From rory@triton.unm.edu Mon Jul 22 01:20:37 1991
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Received: from triton.unm.edu by milton.u.washington.edu
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(5.65/UW-NDC Revision: 2.1 ) id AA27033; Mon, 22 Jul 91 01:20:35 -0700
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Received: by triton.unm.edu (5.57/0.1)
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id <AA15015>; Mon, 22 Jul 91 02:20:32 -0600
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From: Rory K. McManus <rory@triton.unm.edu>
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Message-Id: <9107220820.AA15015@triton.unm.edu>
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Subject: Cirt Trek
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To: amigo@milton.u.washington.edu
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Date: Mon, 22 Jul 91 2:20:30 MDT
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Gizzard-Type: Slorfy Gizzard Fish
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Aka: Criminy
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X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL8]
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Status: OR
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Cirt Trek
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Written by Rory K. McManus
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Copyright 1991
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2
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Captain's Log, Stardate 45851.2354/4n!(p+q)
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For some time now the greatest percieved threat to the Federation
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has been that of the Borg, but now I fear we must confront an
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enemy that is far more terrifying and dangerous to life as
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we know it. An alien vessel representing the conglomeration of
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beings known as CIRT is on a direct heading for Earth, and the
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Enterprise has been dispatched to try and head them off.
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Picard: How soon until we make contact, Mr. Data?
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Data: At present velocity the CIRT will be upon us in approximately...
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[The ship shudders from a hit!]
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Data: ...er, now Captain.
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Picard: Mr. Worf, open hailing frequencies.
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Worf: Sir, CIRT is hailing _us_.
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Picard: On screen.
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[The image of the CIRT vessel appears on the main viewscreen.]
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Data: Sensor readings show the CIRT vessel to be configured in the
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shape of a small, asymetrical building shielded in the front by
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an enormous parking structure, which serves not only as a shield,
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but also as camoflage to keep users from finding it.
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CIRT: StarShip Enterprise, you will immediately surrender all disk space
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on your UNIX mainframes or be destroyed.
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Picard: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard. We will do no such thing. We
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require our disk space for normal operations and...
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CIRT: Operations are irrelevant. Programming is irrelevant. Resistance
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is futile. You will be assimilated into the CIRT consciousness.
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Your individuality will cease, you will operate under 512k.
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Data: Sir, sensors show that the CIRT is powering up forward eraser
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heads.
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Picard: Shields up, go to red alert. Suggestions, crew?
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Worf: I advise immediate attack, Sir.
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Riker: I don't know Captain, perhaps we should try reasoning with them.
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Data: CIRT is firing. [The bridge rocks] Commander, they are attempting
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to wipe out your 35 megabyte collection of GIF files from
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alt.sex.pictures.
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Riker: Mister Worf, lock on phasers and photon torpedos!
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Begin fi... *Slap!* Ow!
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Troi: You Cad! So that's the kind of "research" you so desperately needed
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to do every night at the LoboLab!
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Riker: Well you never told me you posed topless before, miss priss!
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Troi: Oooooh!
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Data: I personally enjoyed the one of Tasha where she had all that celophane
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wrapped around her...
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Picard: Data!
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[Enter first season Wesley Crusher]
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Wesley: Gosh, I sure hope CIRT doesn't get all my old a.out files or my
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ridiculously huge mbox and News save files!
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Picard:\
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Riker:--\
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Data:----\
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Troi:-----\
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LaForge:----- Shut up, Wesley!
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O'Brian:---/
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Guinan:---/
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Beverly:-/
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Barklay:/
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[Sorry, old joke, couldn't resist!]
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Data: Perhaps you should surrender too, Captain...just for old time's sake.
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Picard: Data?
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Data: Sir?
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Picard: Stuff it!
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Geordi: CIRT is preparing to fire again.
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Picard: Worf, open a channel.
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Worf: Open.
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Picard: Leaders of CIRT, why are you attacking us? Our intentions are
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peaceful.
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CIRT: Peace is irrelevant. Intentions are irrelevant. You have foolishly
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wasted valuable disk space. You must be assimilated into our
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quota system. Your individual distinctiveness will be destroyed.
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All will be the same, with only room for .newsrc's and .plans. All
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other files are irrelevant.
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Picard: Please, be reasonable. I admit that many of our users are careless
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with disk space (glares at Riker) or simply don't follow good
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housekeeping practices in their accounts, but is that a reason to
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punish everyone? Shouldn't we have more freedom in our computer
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usage?
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CIRT: Freedom is irrelevant. Prepare for full erasure and asimilation
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into 512k quota system.
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Picard: But CIRT, what about programming?
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CIRT: Programming is irrelevant
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Picard: And what about educational use of the systems?
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CIRT: Education is irrelevant
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Picard: But what about those wonderful people who keep open "Pub" directories
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for everyone's use? Those save space.
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CIRT: People are irrelevant. "Pub" directories (even those with StarTrek
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stuff) are irrelevant.
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Picard: But what about binaries...
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CIRT: Binaries are irrelevant
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Picard: But what about parodi...
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CIRT: Parodies are irrelevant
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Picard: But CIRT, what about ftp...
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CIRT: CIRT is irrelevant, ftp is irrelevant...er, oops...
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[Cut to exterior view. The CIRT vessel begins to shake and rattle]
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Data: Captain, the CIRT vessel is beginning to break up.
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[The parking structure/shield explodes! Cars and hundreds of little
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parking tickets fly past the Enterprise!]
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Riker: What is happening to them?
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Data: Apparently, CIRT has deemed itself irrelevant.
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Riker: Hear, hear!
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Geordi: Captain, that whole thing is gonna blow. Recommend we haul our
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butts out of here!
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Picard: Excellent suggestion, Commander. Ensign, take us out of here,
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warp 9. Engage! [Does that funny thing with his hand]
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Ensign: Aye!
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[The Enterprise barely escapes utter destruction as the CIRT vessel explodes
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showering the Federation vessel with un-picked-up printouts from "dispatch"]
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Riker: Well, we're safe.
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Picard: For now, at least. But who knows how many more of those vessels
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are out there, waiting to squeeze us out of space and wreak havok
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on our computing abilities for all time to come.
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Data: Interesting. Is this what they call overacting, Captain?
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Picard: Data?
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Data: Sir?
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Picard: Shut up!
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[Roll credits as the Enterprise streaks away, on a never ending search for
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GIFs of Beverly in compromising poses...]
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The End
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--
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// Rory K. McManus \\ -Beginning Home Brewer- // This
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\\ Asian Studies // "Look out, that bottle is about \\ space
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// University of New Mexico \\ to blow! I told you not to use // for
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\\ In the Land of Enchantment // so much priming sugar!" \\ rent
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