253 lines
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253 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ͻ
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<EFBFBD> <20>
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<EFBFBD> TOUGH LOVE FOR SINGLES <20>
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<EFBFBD> By Dr. James Dobson <20>
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<EFBFBD> Copyright (C) 1986, Focus on the Family <20>
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<EFBFBD> Typed by Servant, 3/06/87. Used without permission. <20>
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<EFBFBD> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ͼ
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[I this seems like it was originally written for people of marrying age, but I
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think you'll find it relevant even if you are High School age or younger,
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because dating and relationships are a hot subject for every age group.
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Standard request: This has taken one heck of a long time to type, so please do
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not change or delete anything. Thank you for being considerate. -Servant-]
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INTRODUCTION
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Some marriage-minded singles will try anything to snare a spouse. Groveling
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for the affection of reluctant sweethearts, such suitors refuse to take "no"
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for an answer. Their persistence may not be a sign of undying devotion; rather
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it may reveal inhibiting insecurity or low self-esteem.
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On the following pages, Dr. James Dobson offers 16 suggestions to help singles
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build satisfying romances based on self-confidence and mutual respect. In
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addition, he stresses that "a bad marriage is far worse than the most lonely
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instance of singleness."
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This booklet [that is, textfile] is excerpted from Dr. Dobson's book LOVE MUST
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BE TOUGH (Copyright (C) 1983 by Word, Inc.), and is [was] used by permission.
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TOUGH LOVE FOR SINGLES
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The idea of "loving toughness" is of great relevance to single adults,
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especially those who desire to be married. Some individuals become so highly
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motivated to find a mate that they begin to violate the laws of freedom and
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respect in romantic relationships. That is like turning a fire hose on a
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flickering flame. All that remains is black smoke and ashes.
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I heard of one young man who was determined to win the affection of a girl who
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refused to even see him. He decided that the way to her heart was through the
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mail, so he began writing her a love letter every day. When she did not
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respond, he increased his output to three notes every 24 hours. In all, he
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wrote her more than 700 letters -- and she married the postman.
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That is the way the system works. Romantic love is one of those rare human
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endeavors that succeeds best when it requires the least effort. Those who work
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the hardest at it are the most likely to fail. And speaking of people who try
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harder, no one beats a determined young man named Keith Ruff, whose story was
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told in the Los Angeles Times, Feb. 21, 1982. The headline read:
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"MAN SPENDS $20,000 TRYING TO WIN HAND OF GIRL WHO CAN SAY NO."
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A love struck man holed up in a $200-a-day Washington hotel has spent, at
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latest estimate, close to $20,000 demonstrating that he won't take "no" for an
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answer to his marriage proposal.
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On bended knee on Christmas Day, 35 year old Keith Ruff, once a stockbroker in
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Beverly Hills, proposed marriage to 20 year old Karine Bolstein, a cocktail
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waitress at a Washington restaurant. He met her in a shoe store last summer.
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The pair had gone out a few times over a two month period before the proposal.
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To his proposal, she looked down and said "No."
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Since then, Ruff has remained in Washington and demonstrated his that she
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reconsider by sending her everything but a partridge in a pear tree.
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That may be next.
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He is, he thinks, "close to spending all of my money. I'm not an Arab sheik."
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The tokens of his affection include a Learjet, placed on standby at the
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airport, "in case she wanted to ride around"; between 3,000 and 5,000 flowers;
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a limousine equipped with a bar and television, parked outsider her door; a
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gold ring; $200 worth of champagne; catered lobster dinners; musicians to
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serenade her; a clown to amuse her younger brother; a man dressed as Prince
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Charming bearing a glass slipper; cookies, candy, and perfume; and sandwich
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sign wearers walking around her home and the restaurant where Bolstein works,
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conveying the message "Mr Dennis Keith Ruff LOVES Ms. Karine Bolstein."
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Ruff gave her father a basket of nuts and $300 worth of cigars "to pass out to
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his friends at the Labor Department. It may sound goofy, but I like him."
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He also had flowers delivered to his beloved's mother, who works at the French
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Embassy. "I don't think her mother likes me. She called the police, but I'll
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keep sending gifts to her also. How could anyone be so mad?"
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Ruff says he has not worked in some time, describing himself as being of
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independent means. He said he will spend his last dime and will beg for money
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if he has to, that he will "keep on trying for 10 years, 20 years. I'll ask
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her to marry me 50,000 times. It doesn't matter how many times she says no. I
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will do everything in my power that's not absurd or against a reasonable law.
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I wouldn't stop if she became a nun. I've never felt this way before!"
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Bolstein, meanwhile, said she is flattered, but too young to get married. She
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also said the house looks like a funeral parlor.
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Ruff said, "I don't want to force her to love me, but I can't stop."
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Ruff said he spends a lot of time in his hotel room planning what to do next
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and occasionally crying. He said Bolstein called him once. "But I hung up on
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her. I didn't like what she said."
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Reality to me is disturbing," he said. "I'd rather close my eyes and see her
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face. I'm living with hope. And some very big bills."
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There are several things ol' Ruff needs to know about women, assuming Miss
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Bolstein hasn't gotten the message across by now. He could cry in his hotel
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room for the next 50 years without generating the least bit of sympathy from
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her. Very few women are attracted to sniveling men who make donkeys of
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themselves in view of the whole world. Who wants to marry an unambitious
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weirdo who grovels in the dirt like a whipped puppy? Good-bye, romance!
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Hello, poorhouse.
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On a much smaller scale, of course, the same mistake is made by singles in
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other places. They reveal their hopes and dreams too early in the game and
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scare the socks off potential lovers. Divorcees often fall into this trap --
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especially single women who need a man to support them and their children.
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Male candidates for that assignment are rarities and are sometimes recruited
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like All-American athletes. I've seen no better illustration than the
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following item, also appearing in the Los Angeles Times. It was submitted to
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Virginia Klein for use in her column "Living With Divorce":
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Q.: I am a recently divorced, professional man with an unusual problem. I
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hope you can help me. A woman I dated once called me before I even had a
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chance to make a second date with her and wanted to know why I hadn't called
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her again. After our second date she began to call almost daily with offers
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for dinner, something funny she'd read and thought I'd enjoy, etc. The crazy
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part is that this same routine has just started with another woman I'm just
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beginning to ask out. If such behavior is typical, maybe I should have stayed
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married! How do I extricate myself from this frenzied dating and have a nice,
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quiet social life?
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Isn't it obvious what is occurring here? The women being dated by this
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"professional man" are chasing him around like a hound after a rabbit. And
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predictably, his natural impulse is to run. If they are interested in pulling
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him toward them, they simply must not invade his territory. Instead, they
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should maintain a sense of decorum in their responses to him.
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TIPS FOR LOVING TOUGH
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Let me be very specific with those of you who are single but wish not to be.
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(No insult is intended to those who are single by design and wish to remain
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unmarried. That is a legitimate choice that should be respected by friends
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and family alike.) I have listed 16 suggestions that will help you conform to
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the principles of loving toughness in matters of the heart.
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1. DON'T LET THE RELATIONSHIP MOVE TOO FAST IN ITS INFANCY. The phrase "too
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hot not to cool down" has validity. Take it one step at a time.
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2. DON'T DISCUSS YOUR PERSONAL INADEQUACIES AND FLAWS in great detail when
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the relationship is new. No matter how warm and accepting your friend may be,
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any great revelation of low self-esteem or embarrassing weaknesses can be
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fatal when interpersonal "valleys" occur. And they will occur.
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3. REMEMBER THAT RESPECT PRECEDES LOVE. Build it stone upon stone.
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4. DON'T CALL TOO OFTEN ON THE PHONE or give the other person an opportunity
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to get tired of you.
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5. DON'T BE TOO QUICK TO REVEAL YOUR DESIRE TO GET MARRIED [or desire for a
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long term affair for you High Schoolers] -- or that you think you've just
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found Mr. Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your partner has not arrived at the
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same conclusion, you'll throw him or her into panic.
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6. MOST IMPORTANT: RELATIONSHIPS ARE CONSTANTLY BEING "TESTED" by cautious
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lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This
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testing usually involves pulling backward from the other person to see what
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will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maybe two weeks will pass
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without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival. In each
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instance, the question being asked is, "How important am I to you and what
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would you do if you lost me?" An even more basic issue lies below that one.
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It wants to know, "How free am I to leave if I want to?" It is incredibly
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important in these instances to appear poised, secure and equally independent.
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Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single
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throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the
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test occurs.
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7. EXTENDING THE SAME CONCEPT, keep in mind that virtually every dating
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relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be moving toward
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marriage will be given the ultimate test. A breakup will occur, motivated by
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one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future
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together depends on the skill with which he/she handles that crisis. If the
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hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation
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and marriage. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything.
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8. DO NOT EXPECT ANYONE TO MEET ALL YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS. Maintain interests
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and activities outside the romantic relationship, even after marriage.
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9. GUARD AGAINST SELFISHNESS IN YOU LOVE AFFAIR. Neither the man nor the
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woman should do all the giving. I once broke up with a girl because she let
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me take her to nice places, bring her flowers, buy her lunch, etc. I wanted
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to do these things, but expected her to reciprocate in some way. She didn't.
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10. BEWARE OF BLINDNESS TO OBVIOUS WARNING SIGNS that tell you that your
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potential husband or wife is basically disloyal, hateful, spiritually
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uncommitted hooked on drugs or alcohol, given to selfishness, etc. BELIEVE
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ME, A BAD MARRIAGE IS FAR WORSE THAN THE MOST LONELY INSTANCE OF SINGLENESS.
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11. DON'T MARRY THE PERSON YOU THINK YOU CAN LIVE WITH; marry only the
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individual you can't live without.
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12. BE CAREFUL TO DEFEND THE "LINE OF RESPECT" even during a dating
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relationship. A man should open doors for a woman on a formal evening. A
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woman should speak respectfully of her escort when in public, etc. If you
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don't preserve this delicate line when the foundations of marriage are being
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laid, it will be virtually impossible to construct them later.
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13. DO NOT EQUATE HUMAN WORTH WITH FLAWLESS BEAUTY OR HANDSOMENESS! If you
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require physical perfection in your mate, he or she may make the same demands
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of you. Don't let love escape you because of the false values of your
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culture. In the same vein, be careful not to compare yourself with others --
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which is the root of all inferiority.
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14. IF GENUINE LOVE HAS ESCAPED YOU THUS FAR, DON'T BEGIN BELIEVING "NO ONE
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WOULD EVER WANT ME." That is a deadly trap that can destroy you emotionally!
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Millions of people are looking for someone to love. The problem is finding
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one another!
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15. REGARDLESS OF HOW BRILLIANT THE LOVE AFFAIR HAS BEEN, TAKE TIME TO "CHECK
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YOUR ASSUMPTIONS" with your partner before committing yourself to marriage.
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It is surprising how often man and women plunge into matrimony without ever
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becoming aware of major differences in expectation between them. For example:
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a. Do you want to have children? How many?
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b. Where will you live?
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c. Will the wife work? How soon? How about after the children are born?
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d. Who will lead in the relationship? What does that really mean?
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e. How will you relate to your in-laws?
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f. How will the money be spent?
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g. Will you attend church? Which one?
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These and other "assumptions" should be discussed item by item, perhaps with
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the help of a premarital counselor. Many future struggles can be avoided by
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coming to terms with potential areas of disagreement. If the differences are
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great enough, it is even possible that the marriage should never occur.
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16. FINALLY, SEXUAL FAMILIARITY CAN BE DEADLY TO A RELATIONSHIP. In addition
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to the many moral, spiritual, and physical reasons for abstaining from sexual
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relations until marriage, there are numerous psychological and interpersonal
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advantages to the exercise of self-control and discipline. Though it's an
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old-fashioned notion, perhaps, it is still true that men do not respect "easy"
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women and often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve.
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Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their minds.
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Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. Its pronounced
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"No!"
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These 16 suggestions are not guaranteed to win the hand of a lover, of course,
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but they will certainly beat the approach of Mr. Keith Ruff. And you'll save
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$20,000 in the process!
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[Okay, so maybe it is more aimed at post High School aged people. I still
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think these concepts are very helpful for HS'ers attempting to have a serious
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relationship with a girl or guy.... -Servant-]
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