137 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
137 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
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Weasel Wicca: a Toon Trad
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by fara Shimbo, Diane Darling and the European Land Otters
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(Green Egg, Issue 95, Yule '91, p. 21.)
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The Great Mothers of this tradition are Galanthus, who was turned into
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a weasel for lying to Juno; and Eris, both Goddess and Ferret incarnate, who
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are IN CHARGE.
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This is the Holy Sacred Oath of the Weasel Tradition:
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"I don't believe anything unless I want to. My mind is subject to
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change within reason and without notification at any time. We will
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always have Paris. (But not paris of sox.) I can do without my
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socks. Other than that there are absolutely no absolutes."
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Sacred Objects of the Weasel tradition include:
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* A Floppy Witch Hat (double sided, single density)
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* The nearest operational refrigirator
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* Dirty Socks
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* Tubes made of cardboard or plastic
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* Rubber erasers and squeaky toys
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* Loud plastic bag and ping pong balls
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* The Golden Apple of Eris
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* Silk Top hat.
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In order to be initiated into the Weasel Tradition, a new beserker must:
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* Co-habit with a Ferret; at least one.
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* Acquire your tools in a somewhat less-than-entirely-scrupulous
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manner- stopping short of Genuine Theft. Use your imagination.
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* Sacrifice a Sock to Galanthus. It must be a good Sock, one you
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wouldn't otherwise throw away, and you must have the other one in
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your possession.
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* Bake some holy Fhood, with Weasel Help, which includes raisins and
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chocolate chips.
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* Write a ritual containing at least three things which are obviously
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or blatantly lifted, word for word, from somewhere else. Anywhere
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else.
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* Let a weasel lick your lips while you sing:
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The Weasel Help Song:
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Everyone needs Weasel help,
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Weasel Help, Weasel Help
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Everyone needs Weasel help,
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to get them through the day!
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I don't need no Weasel Help,
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Weasel Help, Weasel Help,
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I don't need no Weasel Help,
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no matter what you say!
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The Sacred Holidays of the Weasel tradition are any holidays which have
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even the slightest thing to do with Fhood.
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Participants in floppy witch hats enter, bearing the Holy Fhood and
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Drinkh. Arrange tastefuly around altar area. Prominent should be the Golden
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Apple of Eris, which is set upon the altar by itself.
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Call Watchtowers, lighting quarter candles at each. Suggestion
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invocations:
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EAST, being Air, signifies media and mass communications. Invite the Marx
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brothers, Firesign Theatre, Douglas Adams, and Robert Anton Wilson, and, of
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course, the Illuminati, as representatives of Chaos. (Squeeze squeaky toys)
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SOUTH, for Fire, signifies fidelity to ideals. I suggest John Lennon and
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out witch ancestors, whose bravery in defense of the Sacred Right To Be
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Strange led to the ultimate sacrifice. May we be as brave, but luckier. (Hide
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the Matches.)
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WEST, for Water, signifies here the Waters of Life, ie: Bhooze. Invite
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W.C. Fields along with Dionysius and Osiris (inventors of wine and beer,
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respectively.) (Slug some eggnog.)
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NORTH, for Earth, signifies the Ultimate Mystery: Life, the Universe and
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Everything. Toast the Mystery itself and invite it to relax, take off its
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cloak and join us for awhile. (Hide a cookie.)
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And to provide a fifth point: SKY, for Eris, Our Mother, Lady Luck
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Herself, Lady of Chaos and Dealer of the Inside Straight. Hold up the Golden
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Apple, hail Her enthusiastically and invite Her to the party.
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Close the Circle, which is, of course, semi-permiable to weasel-kind.
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Light altar candle; assume *ahem* serious demeanor. Whoever is to read,
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don silk hat and drape a sock for a priest's vestement. Proceed:
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"For unto us is born a Saviour, who is Coyote, Pan, loki, Raven,
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Dionysius, and Robin Hood; to save us all from Santa's power when we have come
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to play, o tiding of chocolate and toys. And Io, neither is his Mother a
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Virgin, for She believeth in a good time. And when He came forth, She wrapped
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him in a National Enquirer and cradled him in her top hat, which holdeth all
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the stars of all the skies plus 500 foolproof card tricks; and the Wise came
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to Marvel (and to DC) because indeed and forsooth, they knew trouble when they
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beheld it."
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And Eris, the Great and Terrible, said to her son:
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"Kid, this is a special occasion; how should we celebrate?"
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And the Tiny One spoke, surprising all but the Mother of the Unexpected:
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"let's have lots of Fhood, and create the most chaotic and demented
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animal of all to play with. And since I have a feeling that this party will be
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repeated many, many times, let's make that a rule: anyone celebrating My
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birthday should do the same. For I am the Glitch and the Song and the
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Gambler's Luck, and I love Surprises--which will never be lacking with Them
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around. Let them do this in honor of Me."
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And Eris was pleased and created The Weasel (hold one up).
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"This is the Sacred Weasel, beloved little monster, honored pest,
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dearest of Holy Terrors and Agent of Entropy Everywhere. May it always remind
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us that Eris and the Kid love Surprises."
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(Hold up plate of cookies:) "This is the Holy Fhood; we share it in
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Their names, and with the wish that we should always keep Life as interesting
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and strange as possible."
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(Hold up Holy Bhooze:) "This is the Holy Spiked Eggnog; we share in with
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the understanding that reality can always use a little bending."
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Share all, general hailing, toasts, silliness, woozle snoozling, tricks
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and demonstration of weasel arranging. Guard honored guests of all species
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from overindulging in and/or diving into eggnog. Songs excellent idea.
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Open circle whenever you feel like it.
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=============================================================================
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Fara Shimbo, an ethologist living outside Boulder, Colorado with her husband
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Robert, ferret, Ruby, Siamese cat, mong, and Thoroughbred Hunter, Oficial Dude
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(AKA Chewie). She is main honcho of _Ferret unity and Registration
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Organization (FURO)_, a weasle warrior of reknown and author of "The Ferret
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Book" (see review GE83) and, with Bill Phillips, of _Ferrets and the New
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Inquisition_, published by the California Domestic Ferret Association (Box
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1861, healdsburg, CA 95448. She is editor-in-chief of _The Weasle Help
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Monthly_, (wonderful!) newsmagazine of FURO, available by joining FURO, PO Box
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18193, greensboro, NC 27419.
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