198 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
198 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
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### ###
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### ###
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### #### ### ### ### ####
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### ### ##### ### ###
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### ### ### ### ###
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### ### ##### ### ###
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########## ### ### ##########
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### ###
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### ###
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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####### ## ## ####### # # ####### #### ####
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## ## ## ## ##### # ## ## ##
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#### ## ## #### # # #### ## ##
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## ## ## ## ##### # ## ## ##
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## ## ####### ####### # # ####### ###### ######
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[ Cognitive Neural Hardware And The Nerd ] [ By The GNN ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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"COGNITIVE NEURAL HARDWARE AND THE NERD"
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by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
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John, award-winning nerd-of-the-month at Junior College, connected the red
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cable to the little socket on the back of his head and turned on his mighty
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computer. Then he used his new USRabatnic 1152OO-B Triple (Dual Dual Dual)
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non-standard modem to connect himself to the local HOT-KEWL-WAREZZ board.
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** WELCOME TO THE MONKEY HOUSE!
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** Sysop: Dr. Socially Retarded.
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**
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** Improved H/P/A/Q/W/E/R/T/Y/F/J/LH/G/E/Lc/O/U/%/!/DN/*/|/ area!
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** All letters in the English alphabeth welcome!
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** Free DLoad! Free ULoad! Free Logout!
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** (BTW, Do you say 'Arse 'or 'Ass' in this darn country?)
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**
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** login: Body-Builder
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** Passw: xxx
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He produced enormous amounts of drool as he scanned the file-areas,
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looking for the latest new and cool games to his computer. He was lucky this
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day since...
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*** ROOMIV.ZYP "ROOM IV - CRACKED'N TRAINED BY PLEBS CREW"
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... happened to be available for download. Rumors said that ROOM IV
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was the most violent game around these days. Blood thirsty androids wanted
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to crush the players skull as he walked around in a post-war environment
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killing everything within sight... and so on. He decided to download it
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immediately and play it until he died.
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*** ALERT: Not enough space on drive C:
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"No! Damn! Shit! This cannot not be true! No!" John shouted to himself.
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He thought (something he seldom did nowadays) for a while, then he got a
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brilliant idea.
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He checked the neural B: drive. Yes! If he managed to free a few megs, he
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would be able to store the game temporarily there. He just had to remove
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something from the B: drive for a while.
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He decided to pack his speech-center and store it on the HD for a few
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minutes. It was really no big deal, since he would not talk to anyone right
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now anyway.
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**> SPEECH.ZYP
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The download went fine. He stashed the file in his brain and checked the
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HD again, looking for something worthless to get rid of. He decided to
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remove the directory INCOMING, due to the fact that he needed not anything
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from that dir anymore. (He recalled that he had already moved the latest
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porno-pictures to the MASTURBATION-DELUXE directory a few days ago.)
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**> DELTREE INCOMING
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"Now, down with the game file to the HD, unpack it and go!" he yelled.
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His sweaty fingers (almost as wet as his arm pits) typed in an
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advanced speed as he moved the file. Before he went on a rampage in the
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game, he just needed to get the file that contained his speech-center back
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to the brain.
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*** INCOMING: No such file on directory.
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What a mistake. He had just deleted that dir. Since he was not familiar
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with the command UNDEL, he rushed to the phone and called a friend. Roger,
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award-winning nerd-forever, stored a tonne of different neural applications
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on his computer.
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Ring.
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"This is Roger speaking."
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"GLAHH AAHLL GAH GAAA!"
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"Fucking pervert..." <click>
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Oops. "Kinda hard to talk to other people without verbal communication
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applications available," John thought. Thankfully, Roger lived just a few
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blocks away, so he slit the cable out of the computer and ran to his house
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in less than two minutes.
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"Hey, what are you doing here?"
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John pointed at his mouth and head.
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"GLAH! GLAAAAAH! AGHAALAA!!"
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"Oh, so it was you... well, come on in then."
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"GAHLA."
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Roger understood the situation. (he had accidentally crashed his whole B:
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drive a few weeks ago, thus lost his ability think (no one noticed that) for
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a couple of days, so he kinda knew how easy it was to make a mistake).
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**> cd speech
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**> dir
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"I've got a lot of them.... I'll give you the latest one, ok?"
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"GLAH."
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**> copy S-SPEECH.ZYO B:
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After the file was copied to his brain, John quickly unpacked it and
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copied the contents to the speech directory.
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"How do you feel?" Roger asked.
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"Kanner mig helt okay."
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"Excuse me?"
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"MEN VAD I HELVETE AR DET HAR?"
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They checked the file again.
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*** FILE_ID.DIZ : 'S-SPEECH, *SWEDISH VERSION*'
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"Oh no, a slight miscalculation.."
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"DET KAN MAN LUNGT SAGA DIN JAVLA IDIOT!"
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They looked around for the English version for a few minutes. Luckily
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enough, they found it at once at ALT.NEURAL.APPLICATIONS.VERBAL. The
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installation went fine and John could speak an understandable language again.
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"Finally..." he mumbled, before he went to the door to go home. But his
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arms refused to move as he tried to turn the knob.
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*** NOTE: S-SPEECH ENGLISH WILL OVERWRITE YOUR AUTOEXEC.BAT. **
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*** REMEMBER TO BACK UP, TA TA. *AMATEUR CODERS ASSOCIATION*
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"... which means that we, kinda, lost the command line that controls
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your arms..."
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"WHAT?"
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By modifying the .bat file and copying yet another file to his brain,
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they managed to get his arms to work again.
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*** ARM/LEG/MAXI-CONTROL by NEURAL INC *SHAREWARE VERSION*
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"Shareware?"
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"Uh, nothing to worry about. Works fine. (For thirty days...)"
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Since John did not hear the last sentence, he trusted his friend and went
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home to play ROOM IV (the most violent game around these days.)
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*** Not enough memory to play ROOM IV.
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"Oops."
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He turned the computer off, and then on again. He halted the startup to
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free some more memory. It worked just fine. Unfortunately, that also meant
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that he had no virus-killer in memory, so...
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*** YOUR COMPUTER IS ALIVE
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*** AND EVEN BETTER - IT IS INFECTED WITH THE AlARM VIRUS
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*** KISS YOUR FUNKY C: AND B: DRIVES GOOD BYE
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*** SUCKER HAR HAR HAR \/\/E RooLe TI-IiS \/\/0RLD!
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...became his last thought in this part of the universe.
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/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
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Tactical Neural Implant.
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Time to check out: http://www.update.uu.se/~gnn don't you think?
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L'etre et le neant.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #311 Underground eXperts United 1996 uXu #311
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Call THE ESCAPADE MACABRE -> +1-206-565-0786
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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