344 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
344 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO
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OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO"
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OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO'
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OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO"
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OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO'
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OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO
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|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #57 |
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|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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- Going Crazy in the Suburbs 04: Addiction -
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by Hairy Leech
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___________
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/ /
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/ SATURDAY: /
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/___________/
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the world flashes by like a slowed down movie, and yet it seems like it's
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all happening so quickly.. don't know how to explain it, don't know.. don't
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know..
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i see each thing, each conversation as a single frame, locked into my mind,
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seperated from everything else, and yet connected.. leading to another
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frame, coming from one prior..
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"i wish you were here with me now.."
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i try and hold onto each frame.. ones that are particularly special,
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something that made me feel good, made me happy. i try and grasp onto that
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frame, and display it in my mind like a slide.. i try to relive the moment.
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i try to freeze time. i try to stop everything, make the world stop
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spinning, stop time, stop time.. have to hold on to the moment..
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seventeen years gone by, never felt like this. who knows how long i'll have
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left.. forever, i want it to last forever..
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---
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they keep putting santa claus's face on the coca-cola cans and bottles. as
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if coca-cola was the one and only spirit of christmas. as if without bubbly
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soda, christmas would never happen.
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---
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i honestly don't have any sexual fantasies. atleast, none that i'm aware
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of. i don't know if the dreams i have can be considered fantasies, i doubt
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it..
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"at night it gets cold.."
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---
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i want to wake up each morning and see the waves crashing up on the shore.
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look out to the sea and see nothing, just blue sky and blue water the
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joining of the two at the horizon, and nothing in between. i want it to
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look like it reaches out forever, into infinity.. i want to hear the surf,
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hear the dull roar, have it fill my ears. i want to have the smell of the
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salty water fill my nose, fill my body, fill my existance.
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---
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i would never join the navy, or any other armed force, for that matter.
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---
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i could be happy on a boat. the gentle rock of the sea, back and forth,
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back and forth.. putting me to sleep, putting me in a state of bliss.. the
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quiet, just the wind, just the sound of the boat cutting through the
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ocean.. back and forth, back and forth.
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i would sell my soul to live in the 1700s. to sail on the tall wooden
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ships, to feel it all washing over me..
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---
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i can't swim. people have tried to teach me, but i still can't. i could
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probably keep myself alive if i fell into a lake, or maybe even a slow
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moving river. but the sea, i would die in the sea..
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i envy small babies. they can swim naturally. a child months old can do
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things that i, 17 years old, cannot.
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i think i'll learn to swim this summer. i think so.
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---
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"sometimes you learn to love to hate.."
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---
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my boss is my friend. i can talk to him, and it's good. the money is really
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unimportant. i come and i work more for the conversations, because i like
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to work there. i like it.
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---
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"hello, dad.. happy birthday.. i'm in jail.. i like it here, it's nice, i
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like it.."
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---
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"don't you go to o.c.c. like everyone else?"
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"no.. i.."
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"are you still in highschool?"
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"no.. i'm just sort of in limbo between the two.."
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"oh, taking a year off, eh? hehehe.."
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"umm, yeah."
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---
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it's pretty ironic that i listen to industrial music, people banging on
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pipes and 50 gallon drums and such. when i was a kid, my father ran a junk
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yard, and we lived on the same land. i used to walk outside and beat on
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things, hear the clang, the sound the steel made, the sound of iron..
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it really used to annoy me that we lived in a junk yard. not exactly the
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sort of place that you have your friends over to. and yet here i am,
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missing the place.. wishing i still lived there, so i could go outside and
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use the grinder, take a sledgehammer and pound on iron beams..
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pretty ironic, indeed.
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maybe the music reminds me of home.
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---
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when i walk into a garage and smell the grease and oil, my mind shuffles
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back through the deck of moments, comes to rest in the 1980s.. it all comes
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flooding back, and i don't know if it's good or not..
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---
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"what was your name, anyway?"
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---
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my files should be read in the light of candles, and read slowly. you
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should try and picture everything i talk about, try and see it in your
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mind, let my descriptions influence your imagination and see it, visualize
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it all.. smell the odors, feel the cold, feel the boat rocking..
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i want to stimulate all the senses through language, and it's impossible,
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but it's the try that counts.
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---
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"united we stand, divided we fall."
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such a simple statement, something they teach you in school. and yet no one
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understands it.
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---
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hairy.
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___________
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/ /
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/ WEDNESDAY:/
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/___________/
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"things i learned when i was a child are never what they seem"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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life looks so easy, so painless. and here i am on the verge of loosing it
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all, i feel it all slipping away.. throwing it all on the table, pissing
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it all away..
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"sins of the flesh!"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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WHAT I STUPID FUCKING ASS I AM.
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it's not for you to understand, not for anyone.
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i'm about to cry.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"i can't find words to describe the pain"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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my life is carefully placed into a centrifuge, then the switch is gently
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flicked on. on to seperate me into my component parts. on to fling me
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about, pull me in a thousand million directions. on to see what i'm made
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of.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"degenerate until i meet my fate"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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on to dizzy me, confuse me, dull my senses. feel myself spinning around,
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feel my mind whirling, racing, swirling.. feel myself flying apart, pieces
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strung out, streched, contorted, twisted.. excess thoughts flung off,
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peeled away to expose me, who and what i am.. an ugly mass of ugly thoughts
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put together in an ugly fashion..
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"you're not my god, but i will follow you"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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eyes blur up with tears, sweat, blood, hate, fear.. i'm cold, getting
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colder, freezing to death. dieing. too much too soon too fast, can't
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control it all.
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NO ONE WILL EVER COMPREHEND ANY OF THIS. I REALIZE THAT NOW.
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on to strip me down to the bone, further. inside me now, inside.. what's
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inside? what lurks behind the front? what makes me go? what hides within
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me, what? what is it?
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"don't let me down"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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i draw on others for strength and i don't know if that's wrong or right,
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but i do it.
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they say that leo's are arrogant natural-born leaders. i argue that. i
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can't make up my own mind, much less anyone else's.
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indecisive. not because i can't think for myself, but because i'm afraid to
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offend. afraid that i'll suggest something that people won't like. AFRAID.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"i hate myself to sleep at night"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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i'm afraid of everything. i'm a child.
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"i feel so ashamed
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that i let you have your way
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i never fought for what was mine all along"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"i just don't care anymore what's wrong or right"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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when will i grow up?
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someone answer me.
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"i've hurt for so long
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there's nothing left of my pain"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"i can look but i won't see why the fuck you're killing me"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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never hurt so good.
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on to smear me. on to color me red, red with anger & and with embarassment.
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on to rearrange me, maybe this time for the better.
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"i feel my body torn apart"
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dark everywhere. pieces of myself scattered for all to see, if only they'd
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turn on a light.
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i stab at myself to improve. i stab until i don't hurt. i pick at the scabs
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until eventually they stop bleeding. i turn the knife inside of myself, so
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that i can twist my guts into a new fashion. painful, but neccasary. i am
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my own bad dream.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"you always turn your back on me but you're too fucking blind to see"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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one day. it'll happen. i hope someone is there to hold on to me when it
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does.
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"death by manipulation!"
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i think i'm so big and strong, think i can stand up to anything. think i
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can survive alone. think i can take the pain and keep smiling. but i'm so
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fucking wrong..
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"i need someone to hold on to.."
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"she's my addiction"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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couldn't go on without somebody to lean on. only have two feet, and
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sometimes it knocks you down.. you have to fall back on something. you have
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to have something to hold you up.
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no one can give me anything like this. trust, backing, someone to confide
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in. no one can ever duplicate this. not for all the money, not for all the
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wealth in the world.
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love is precious and must be preserved.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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"visions of a perfect life"
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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i intend to preserve mine.
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it makes my blood flow.
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it makes my mind work.
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it makes me live.
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<20> <20><> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>۲<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> Phoenix Modernz Systems: 908/830-TANJ
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<EFBFBD>۱<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> The Syndicate: 908/506-6651
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<EFBFBD>۱<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> The Matrix BBS: 908/905-6691
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> First United Church Kalisti: 602/753-3784
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> The Cell: 817/870-1060
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>۲<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>
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