276 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
276 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO
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OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO"
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OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO'
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OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO"
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OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO'
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OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #27 |
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- Going Crazy in the Suburbs: 03 -
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<] Broken [>
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by Hairy Leech
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--- saturday night ---
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it all makes me want to fucking vomit. i'm sure i've offended someone
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already with the word "fuck." well, fuck you. i'll say what i damn well
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please. and you can go eat shit if you don't like it. this is my mind, this
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is my mouth, these are my opinions. i'll be damned if i can't say what i
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like when i like.
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you're dead already if you don't. if you constantly have to watch your
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tounge, hold your thoughts, you're dead already. you're a waste of air.
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you've already become part of the problem.
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stop.
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listen.
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think.
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act.
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voice your opinions.
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make your own decisions.
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stop being one of the numbers.
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be a person.
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people think i'm crazy. people think i'm "alternative." people think i'm
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normal. people think i'm a genious. people think i'm nothing. i don't know
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what i am, and i don't care. i'm here, this is now, i'm not going to
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question it. i live to change tomorrow. i exist to better the world, if
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possible. when i start questioning myself, when i start doubting what i'm
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doing here, then i'll be as good as finished.
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examine your life. you have no purpose other than what mom & dad & the
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guidance councelor & the media tells you. what do you want to do? do you
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know? where do you want to go? what do you want out of life? what do you
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want to focus your life on?
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suicide is like cleaning the clutter off your desk. it's sitting there,
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it's not doing anything. no purpose for it. no reason to have it around.
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so, get rid of it.
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suicide is the clutter throwing itself away.
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i've looked at myself, and i've found i have no goal. nothing to work
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towards. nothing to set my sights on. nothing. nothing here for me. nothing
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i want. nothing i need. nothing i want to do. so i thought, "what good am
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i?" and i thought about it. and i was no good. i was nothing. i was a
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speck, a piece of shit. and i thought about ending it. thought about
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uncluttering the world's desk. and then, then in the blur, i found
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something to work for.
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enlightenment.
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so now, now i exist to awaken people. what's my motto? what have i said
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thousands of times? "think!"
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"some of us wake up, others roll over.. but not i." - public image limited
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we are cattle. it's so plain, so open. no one's hiding it. it's just that
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no one ever goes and looks. and the ones who do, the ones who do stop and
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think about it, the ones who see how much like live-stock we really are,
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well. they're all crazy anyhow. they don't know what they're talking about.
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lock them up. the rubber-room for them. damned crazy people. always have to
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come and ruin my day. always spouting nonsense that i never even stop to
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think about. what do they know? they're crazy. better to lock them up, it's
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for their own good.
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fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
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it's not in a bottle. it's not in a needle. you don't smoke it. you don't
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eat it. you don't inject it. you don't sniff it, you don't snort it. it's
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all up there.. it's all floating around in your head.
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i close my eyes and all i see is black. black world, black future.
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i don't dream anymore. black. all gone black.
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there's this black and white movie running through my brain, i see it over
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and over, it's always the same. like old war movies, blood & guts &
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explosions & killings & bombed out buildings & nuclear bomb tests & fires..
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lots of fires.. and people, people small, frail, no food to eat, sunken
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faces, dirty. "people runnin' down the road, skin on fire.." no sound. just
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a grinding noise, grinding, grinding.. and a hiss.
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saw a program on the "discovery" channel last night at 1am. it was about
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the nuclear arms race, how it started, all that good stuff. lots of
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thrilling details about how neutron bombs cook living cells, nice footage
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of people with radiation sickness, facts on how such-n-such bomb made a
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crater approximately 5000 feet deep..
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saw a program right after that called "fire power." fuel for the nra gun
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nuts. it was all about how the u.s. navy destroyers can blow the living
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shit out of things 5 miles away that they can't even see. how they can
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launch nuclear missiles and have them strike anywhere in the world and be
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within 50 feet of accurate.
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we worship destruction.
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we practice killing.
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we thrive on pain.
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we celebrate death.
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peace.. peace comes when you are dead. no more fighting. no more struggles.
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just black. just nothing.
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"our enemies will make nerve gas. so will we.
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they squander their wealth on armaments. so will we.
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they spy on their own citizens. so will we.
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they prevent their people from knowing what they do. so will we.
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we will not let our enemies impose their evil ways on us.
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we'll do it for them."
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the arms race isn't over. it will never be over. there are no enemies left
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to fight, so our government will make some up. no winning this race. the
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end comes when we obliterate ourselves.
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i am male.
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i am shy.
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i am frail.
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i am small.
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i am scared.
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i am cold.
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i am everything that a male is not supposed to be.
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bullshit.
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"oppression breeds violence." - front line assembly
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nazi germany. here and now. watch the news. read a paper. listen to
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people's conversations. talk to a policemen about burning the flag, burning
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the bible. nazi germany. here and now.
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"we live in a world of hate
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with no regret a nazi state
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a racist dream, a world of hate
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with no regret a nazi state" - m.d.c. (millions of dead cops)
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send 2 stamps (29 cent) to: "crushed flowers" c/o sarah, 7465 spring lake
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road, st. paul, mn 55112. underground press. opinions. believe them. don't
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believe them. but atleast think about them before you make up your mind.
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i belong in a city. a dark, cold, dirty city.
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i feel the disgust writhing and snarling inside me. i need to get out of
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here. i need to release some energy before it builds up and shatters me,
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rips in in half.
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angst.
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and he said things would change now that i was "involved"..
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--- sunday night ---
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"the images now flow freely through this fucked up mind.."
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i don't belong. not anymore. not now. nowhere. not a part of this society.
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not a part of this family. not a member of this coalition. i feel
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transparent, like a sheet of glass, no one pays attention, no one looks..
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then, suddenly, broken.. smashed, pieces strewn everywhere, nothing makes
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sense, no connections, no hope, no chance. strung out a million different
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ways, impossible to do anything, no use, no purpose, no nothing.. just
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hurt. pain and suffering and violence and hate consuming.. everything, and
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everything, and everything, and nothing everywhere..
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i sit in this room in near blackness. candles light my way. potpourri
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simmers away into nothingness. loud angry music drives me farther into
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madness, makes me even more frustrated, feel the pressure on my ears, feel
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myself going deaf slowly..
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from hairy <as if ordering something>: one life, please.
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the beats mean nothing. the rhythms are equally meaningless. it's just the
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screaming, the grinding sounds, the crys unanswered, the pain, the
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torture.. it fits. it belongs. it's my partner. it's my co-pilot. it's my
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guide to hell and beyond..
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"don't let it end, don't let it end, oh please don't ever let it end.."
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see my veins buldging out, making ripples in my skin..
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"i close my eyes, i realize, we've all become quite tranquilized.."
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no matter what i do, it doesn't make me feel complete. it dosen't seem like
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i accomplish anything. nothing. just nothing. blank, empty, worthless life.
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no past no future and no present. just frustration and self-pity. feel like
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a bum in the gutter, nursing a bottle of slow-poison, driving thoughts out
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of my beaten mind.
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"you may scream, there is no shame.."
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beaten. beaten already. never played the game, and it feels like i'm beaten
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already.
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i despretly need to beat the living shit out of something. it'll end up
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being me. atleast if i punish myself, no one can complain.
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i don't yell at people when they frustrate me. i don't beat on things when
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they don't work. i yell at myself. i beat myself.
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blood, slow trickles of red.. dripping, running, flowing away from me.. the
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pain and the warm redness go together so well. a perfect pair. to see the
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deep red streams, to feel the intense biting pain, it works. it drives it
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all away.
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pain is pure. there is no "artificial" pain. and no matter how much it
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hurts, the purity is soothing. calming. good.
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"i need something to believe in.."
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i'm infected. i'm plagued. i'm doomed to a life of unhappiness and
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suffering. and it makes no sense, and it makes so much sense, and it's so
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impossible to describe, and it's so hellish to undergo, and it's so.. much.
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and it's what i somehow wish for everyone.
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unity.. of oppression.
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"i believe in torture
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i believe in murder
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i believe in anger
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i believe in hate"
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coming apart at the seams, flying apart, diffusion. personality diffusion.
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she told me, she knew. i denied it. i thought she was full of shit. i
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looked it up, i understood the term. i knew what she meant. and i denied
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it. and it's so true. i'm coming unglued and it's all my own doing.
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"are you people listening to me?"
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damn the government. damn religion. damn the pope. damn god. damn you. damn
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amerikkka. damn the world. damn everyone.
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i ran half a mile down the street last night. it was a good 40-45 degrees
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out. i ran out of the house barefoot, wearing a t-shirt. ran down the road,
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as fast as i possibly could, running, driving myself, pushing, fighting,
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struggling.. hurt myself good. cut up the bottom of my feet on the street.
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froze to death walking back. good.
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i've got someone i can talk to. i've got someone who i can say anything to,
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and not worry about how they're going to take it. i am more alive than i've
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ever been, my mind is all course with emotion..
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i look into your eyes..
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you see that i am BROKEN.."
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i've found peace in misery by having a companion, someone who can share the
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urt and understand. so much from so little. so much.. so much.. so much
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that it's everything. everywhere. everyone. nothing without it. incomplete
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without it. a broken machine.
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time ruins everything." - bari
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[>> Phoenix Modernz Inc. :908/830-TANJ <<]
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[>> Modern Textfiles Inc. The Matrix BBS:908/905-6691 <<]
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[>> The Lawless Society Inc. CyberChat BBS:908/506-7637 <<]
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[>> -also- <<]
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[>> Terrapin Biscuit Circuit:908/506-6651 <<]
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