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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
####========================================================####
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 51
####========================================================####
"Two years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Welcome to another late issue of Purps. Well it's the 4th of July weekend
and I figured rather than loose an eye or a few fingers to fireworks I'd
get this done.
Essentially, this is another catch up issue. Still it should be fun. There's
lot of stuff about everyone's favorite cult figure Barney. Yes Barney that
lovable Spam colored child's mind control weapon. That great waster of
Public T.V. money. How many episodes of Blake's 7 could they by for on 1/2
hour show of Barney? The little kids would learn a lot more about life if
they watched Blake's 7 instead of Barney.
Other tragic things have happened recently I feel I should bring to the
attention of our readers. Spanky supposedly died last week some time in
Texas. Lord knows if this was the real Spanky. (there were many
pretenders). Who can forget this lovable child star (before he got fat) and
how he'd the most amazing stunts like keeping children in line by
locking them in bird cages and gluing them to the floor.
Also tragically enough Conway Twitty died. If you have a chance visit
Twitty City and pay your respects. (Twitty is mentioned in this issue's
Purps.)
On another note I was asked to bring to your readers attention was the fact
that many of you are hiding your lights under a bushel. The Pope a has
received droves of letters from readers creatively abasing themselves
before his mighty presence in hopes of free stuff. Why not use this
creativity and write for Purps? Purps needs your input! Sure, found
submissions are great fun but the truly memorable ones are carefully
handcrafted by the beloved of OTIS.
It's summer, surely you can spare a few minutes out of your valuable
vacation schedule to have Otis fill your soul and inspire you with a
submissions.
Anyway on with the show....
===========================================================================
The Barney Cult
===========================================================================
From: caress@turtle.ecn.purdue.edu (Peter N Caress)
Subject: The Barney Cult
Date: Tue, 2 Mar 1993 16:47:21 GMT
FLASH! FLASH!
News has just come in that members of the "Barney Karesh" cult have been
engaged in a gun battle with ATF agents at the cult's headquarters in Waco,
Texas. Four agents were killed and fourteen wounded. The cult's leader,
"Barney Karesh," is a 6 foot tall purple dinosaur who believes that he is
the second coming of Christ. His followers are all children: the oldest is
13 years old; most are under eight.
The ATF agents who raided the compound had a search warrant for illegal
weapons and an arrest warrant for Barney. The warrant charged Barney with
violating federal gun laws, kidnapping, and child molestation.
An ATF agent who survived the gunfight described the battle. "We knew that
this was a dangerous cult so we raided the compound with full battle gear.
A group of us came in through the front door ready for action. Suddenly, we
were confronted with this little six year old kid pointing an Uzi at us. We
all thought it had to be a joke, that the gun was just a plastic toy. `Hey,
sonny,' I said. `Could you tell us where Barney is, please?' The kid said,
`Barney said that if you don't leave right now I'll have to waste you!'
Someone in our group started laughing and said, `Yeah, like you're going to
kill us with that squirt gun. Come on, boys, let's move.' Then the kid
opened fire. We lost a good people in there."
The Barney Karesh cult began when Barney began appearing on a popular
television showed aired by PBS. Videotapes of the programs were soon
marketed, and then Barney used his popularity to establish the full-fledged
cult. A former member of the cult described her experience: "I was just
sucked in. It started when I was five years old. My parents were getting
divorced, so it was a bad period for me. Then I saw a commercial for
Barney's videocassettes on TV. He seemed so friendly, singing `I love you,
you love me, we're a happy family...' And the children seemed like they
were having such fun! Soon I was hooked on Barney. I lived only to see
Barney's TV show every day. Eventually I went down to his compound in
Texas. I became the victim of total brain-washing. Barney and the other
kids were always around, always forcing me to join in playing with Barney
and dancing and singing those songs. Those songs! They sang them all the
time. They even played tapes of them at night when we were sleeping." The
worst was yet to come. "Barney started behaving more and more erratically.
He began saying that he was the Messiah, and that he was destined to lead
the children into the promised land. He said that the end of the world was
coming, but that he would lead the children into safety before the final
conflagration, just like the Pied Piper led the children away from the
village and into the earth. At this point he started to train us to use
weapons. He said that we had to defend ourselves from the agents of Satan
who would prevent his good work. The worst came when Barney began singing,
`I love you, you love me, let's play Bestiality...' and he would invite
kids to join in him in a secret private room that no-one was allowed to
enter. None of the children who were invited inside would ever tell us what
happened in there, though. That's when I came to my senses and managed to
escape from the compound, thank goodness."
Barney and the federal agents are currently at a stand-off. More news on
this story will be reported as it comes in.
===========================================================================
Barney Mantra Saves Day
===========================================================================
From: mayost@leland.Stanford.EDU (Daniel Mayost)
Subject: World Trade Center Expolsion
Date: Fri, 5 Mar 93 02:02:31 GMT
From page 27 of the latest Newsweek:
"She had just ushered 17 kindergarteners from PS 95 in Brooklyn into an
elevator. It was crowded, and they started calling off the floors together
as they descended. Then the colored lights over the door flickered and
went out. They were stuck in the dark between the 6th and 5th floors. She
smelled smoke. 'We told them not to worry, but the little ones really
missed the light', she said. They sang the theme song from 'Barney &
Friends'. She took out a rosary that glowed in the dark .... "
It is obvious that not only is Barney seeking to take the place of
childrens' families, but that he is trying to supplant religion as well,
undermining our youngsters' faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. In a situation
where everybody should have turned to God, they instead pray to this evil
false prophet.
BARNEY IS THE MESSENGER OF SATAN !!! YOU MUST BANISH HIM AND ALL HIS
CURSED ARTIFACTS FROM YOUR HOMES !!! HE IS ATTEMPTING TO SEDUCE AND
CORRUPT OUR INNOCENT YOUTH WITH HIS BLASPHEMIES OF FALSE LOVE !!!
All decent, God-fearing people must unite to remove this foul, purple,
satanic menace from the face of the earth. KILL BARNEY NOW !
===========================================================================
News of the Weird
===========================================================================
Date: Fri, 12 Mar 93 10:39:12 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: News of the Weird, March 19, 1993
WEIRDNUZ.267 (News of the Weird, March 19, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd
The Litigious Society
* In October, Katherine Balog, 60, filed a lawsuit in Rancho Cucamonga,
Calif., against Bill Clinton and the Democratic Party to recover damages
for the trauma caused by Clinton's candidacy. The fact that Clinton was
then on the verge of becoming President despite allegedly being a "draft
dodger" and a "communist sympathizer" induced in her, she said, "serious
emotional and mental stress" that was certain to create future medical
expenses. [San Francisco Chronicle, 10- 15-92]
* William and Tonya Parker filed a $10,000 lawsuit in December against the
Holiday Inn of Midland, Mich., claiming that an employee walked into their
room without warning on their wedding night while they were having sex.
The couple said they now suffer post- traumatic stress syndrome and that
their sex life has become dysfunctional. A Holiday Inn spokesperson said
the intrusion was an accident and that the couple should have hung the "do
not disturb" sign on their door. [Louisville Courier-Journal, 12-10-92]
* In January, the New York Times reported that as many as ten city
prisoners over the last three years have had guns smuggled in to them and
have then shot themselves so that they can file lawsuits against New York
City for negligence in allowing guns in the cells. One lawsuit asks $8.5
million in damages. [New York Times, 1-19-93]
* High school student Leigh Ann Fisher and her parents filed a $4.2 million
lawsuit for emotional distress in August after she was replaced as captain
of her high school cheerleader squad in Vilonia, Ark., near Little Rock.
[Globe and Mail, 9-15-92]
* In January a Montgomery County, Maryland, judge finally warned litigant
Michael Sindram that he would face contempt of court charges if he filed
any more "frivolous" lawsuits. The Washington Times reported that Sindram
had filed at least 350, losing them all except "one or two" that were
settled, according to the judge, because of their nuisance value. Sindram
is 0-for-42 at the U. S. Supreme Court. [Washington Times, 1-17-93]
* Schenectady, N. Y., jail inmate Jose Rivera Martinez, 33, filed a
$750,000 lawsuit against the county jail, alleging that he was permanently
disfigured in 1990 by the warts he received from eating jail-issue hot
dogs, to which he said he was allergic. [Albany Times Union, 2-10-93]
* In January, former Northwestern University professor Olan Rand filed an
employment discrimination complaint against the university, claiming he was
wrongfully fired the month before. Rand was fired after he pleaded guilty
to theft of $33,000; he had continued to collect his mother's social
security checks in their joint account for five years after her death in
1981. In his petition, he claims the university should not have
discriminated against him, since he suffered from the disability of
"extreme procrastination behavior." [New Haven Register-Chicago Tribune,
2-21-93]
* Ella Bagwell filed a lawsuit against the owners of the Friendly Food Mart
near Anderson, S. C., in February, claiming they failed to pay off on a
video poker game in the store. She claimed that the store's clerks by
custom paid 25 cents for each replay earned on the machine, that one day
she won 999,999 free games, and that she is thus entitled to $249,999.75.
The store owners said the machine must have malfunctioned. [Greenville
News, 2-12-93]
* According to records obtained by New York Newsday, New York City paid $30
million last year, and has paid $320 million since 1978, in lawsuit damages
to people who have tripped on sidewalks that are in disrepair. City law
actually requires property owners, and not the city, to maintain the
sidewalks, but the city gets sued for failure to enforce the law against
procrastinating property owners. [New York Newsday, 2-16-93]
* Bentonville, Ark., inmate Ross Chadwell filed a lawsuit against Benton
County in February, claiming that Sheriff Andy Lee violated his civil
rights. Chadwell had tried to escape in August 1992 after being temporarily
made a jail trusty but was soon captured and further punished. Chadwell
said Lee acted "recklessly" in putting him in a position from which he
could attempt to escape. [Arkansas Democrat Gazette, Feb93]
Creme de la Weird
* Writing in a 1992 medical journal, two doctors in Bristol, England,
reported the case of a 53-year-old man who came to a hospital emergency
room, "alert and oriented," but with two holes in his skull--the result of
a suicide attempt with an electric drill. The doctors' literature search
on "deliberate self-harm" by "craniocerebral penetrat[ion]" produced
reports of incidents with nails (four reports), ice picks (two), keys
(five), pencils (three), and chopsticks (six). [Surgical Neurology 1992,
vol. 38, p. 471]
Inexplicable
* In February, Anthony Thomas, 23, facing a maximum of 12 years in prison
for selling cocaine in Lake City, Fla., said he thought that a long
sentence would help him deal with his drug problem. He called a special
conference with the judge and requested a sentence of 30 years, which the
judge granted. [[Milwaukee Journal- N. Y. Times, Feb93]]
The Diminishing Value of Life
* At a Long Beach, Calif., wedding reception in February, a man described
as about 20 years old shot a 33-year-old man to death because he was upset
by the seating arrangements. [L. A. Times, 2-15-93]
===========================================================================
And More News of the Weird
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 18 Mar 93 09:12:33 MST
From: eiverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: News of the Weird, March 26, 1993
Date: Wed, 17 Mar 93 19:10:50 PST
From: Chuck Shepherd <cshepherd@igc.apc.org>
WEIRDNUZ.268 (News of the Weird, March 26, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* The Pryor, Okla., Daily Times reported recently that autopsies on a
minnow and a flea, which the city used to test the quality of discharge
from its waste- treatment plant, might cost the city from $100,000 to
$200,000. Tests are required by the state and federal governments to
ascertain whether the minnow and the flea died from natural causes or from
a problem with the discharge. [Pryor Daily Times, Feb93]
The Entrepreneurial Spirit
* In October, San Francisco industrial chemist Merlyn Starley obtained a
patent for "suspenders" to hold a condom in place so that it won't slip off
during use. It is made of two plastic clips and a special adhesive attached
to the wearer's legs. [San Francisco Examiner- States News Service, Oct92]
* In January, New York Newsday reported that a "thriving" gun rental
business was operating in a Brooklyn housing project. According to police,
the market price was $20 a night for a 9-mm. gun, but rose to $100 if the
gun was used to shoot someone. [New York Newsday, 1-29-93]
* The Toronto Globe and Mail reported in January that a California company
will soon introduce a hand-held device that will enable the user to
pinpoint his location, anywhere on earth, by use of satellites, to within
10 yards. [Globe and Mail, 1-27-93]
* Danville, Va., inventor David Bivens, who has developed large, irrigated
brushes for washing cars and trucks (such as those found in commercial
carwashes), told the Chicago Tribune in November that he had developed such
a device for washing people. A person stands next to the brush and rubs
against it as it makes 90-120 revolutions per minute, flicking off dirt
(and dead skin). [Chicago Tribune, Nov92]
* The official China Daily newspaper reported in December that consumers
were buying "millions" of Western-style Christmas cards--even though many
Chinese do not understand what the holiday messages mean. "Merry Christmas,
Happy New Year, and Season's Greetings," wrote the newspaper, "are becoming
household words in China." [L. A. Daily News-UPI, Dec92]
* A New Jersey environmental group, Clean Ocean Action, told the Associated
Press in January that it had manufactured and sold over 300 fishing lures
made of tampon applicators that its members had found while cleaning the
beaches. The group paints the "tampoons" various colors, adds hooks, and
markets them for $6 each. [Columbia Daily Tribune-AP, 1-6-93]
* Philip Middleton of Chantilly, Va., and his partner Richard Wooton are
preparing to market a commode for dogs. The dog walks up stairs at the
side of the bathroom toilet, steps onto a platform over the toilet bowl,
and squats down to use the Walk-Me-Not. And an inventor in Southern
California recently began marketing the Puppy Didy diaper for dogs.
[Fairfax, Va., Journal, 6-18-92; San Francisco Chronicle, Jan93]
* In November, Houston, Tex., judge Jim Barkley, 51, quietly closed his
part-time business. For several weeks, according to courthouse employees,
Barkley had been operating a golfwear haberdashery in his office, with
monogramming services offered by his wife. Barkley denied a conflict of
interest, saying, "The attorneys can buy the stuff, but there's no
obligation." [Dallas Morning News-AP, 11-9-92]
Celebrities
* In December, a court in Gallatin, Tenn., ordered Thomas James Fry of
Jensen Beach, Fla., to stop harassing singer Conway Twitty. Fry, 24, says
Twitty, 58, is his son. [NOTE: Yep--Fry is the FATHER] [L. A. Times-AP,
Dec92]
* Model Cindy Crawford told a feminist conference at Princeton University
in January that she is not obsessed with her appearance: "I don't ever
wake up looking like Cindy Crawford. Believe me, I don't want to look at
my naked body in a three-way mirror any more than you do." [L. A. Times,
Jan93]
* In January, opera singer Luciano Pavarotti was accused by the author of a
1972 art book of copying her drawings and offering them for sale under his
name. One painting, which Pavarotti told an interviewer was so touching to
him that he cried when he painted it, was allegedly so faithfully copied
that it included the original artist's errors in scenic detail.
[Independence Examiner-AP, 1-24-93]
The Weirdo-American Community
* An elementary school teacher and three other men were arrested on a
fairway at a North Little Rock, Ark., golf course one afternoon in March,
standing in a circle masturbating. They did not stop when an undercover
police officer first approached them, nor when he subsequently returned
with his partner to make the arrest. [Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, 3-3-93]
Uh-Oh
* Police in El Cerrito, Calif., have been seeking Aaron Levall Harris on
suspicion of assault in January after two gunmen fled a crime scene. At
the scene was an artificial eyeball with Harris's name on it, which police
say might have fallen out during the escape. And in February in Jerusalem,
a 50-year-old man resisting arrest but finally cornered by police, took out
his artificial eye and threw it at them. [Los Angeles Times-AP, 2-12-93;
Detroit Free Press-Reuters, 2-18-93]
The Diminishing Value of Life
* Michael Wrightman, 30, pleaded guilty in Toronto in February to beating
David Marlatt to death in the course of a fight over which of the two men
had the longer criminal record. [Barrie Examiner-CP, 2-16-93]
===========================================================================
OBITUARY
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1993 19:33:57 EST
From: "Then the chorus comes on, nobody knows why, except Mozart, and he is
dead.--Victor Borge" <hillv@kenyon.edu>
Although perhaps not official NOTW, this certainly comes darned close.
This is an actual e-mail message sent to the entire Kenyon community. The
textbook area really does have animals in it--but I had no idea that it
also had birds and that said decreased bird had a family containing newts.
From: KENYON::MCILVOYD 30-MAR-1993 16:17:15.75
To: @TO:ALLEMP,@TO:ALLSTU
CC:
Subj: OBITUARY
It is with much sadness that we report the passing of Harry the Canary, who
had been a resident of the Textbook Department of the Book Store for the
past 7 years. He died in his sleep Monday evening. He is survived by two
newts, Newt Gingrich and Knute Rockne, and Big Guy the Goldfish, all of the
Book Store. He is also survived by Timmy-Tommy Turtle, George the
Cockatiel and Clover the Rabbit, all of Mount Vernon. Burial will be in
Mount Vernon tonight at sundown.
===========================================================================
McDonald's Announces New Policy
===========================================================================
From: SFLovers Digest
Date: Mon, 9 Mar 93 02:34:03 PST
From: Brad Templeton (bradt@clarinet.com)
Subject: McDonald's Announces New Policy
OAK BROOK, Ill. (UPI) -- McDonald's Corp. Friday said it will begin
testing a new ``psychic server`` policy at a handful of its nearly 9,000
domestic restaurants next week. ``We're going to try it in different parts
of the country starting next week,'' Jane Hulbert, a McDonald's
spokeswoman, said. ``Psychics are a great boon to society, an important
issue, something we are taking a look at,'' she said. This test will
involve about 40 restaurants nationwide. McDonald's refused to disclose
which fast-food outlets will be experimenting with the psychic-server
policy. ``We're not saying where the restaurants (using psychics) will
be,'' Hulbert said. ``We're trying to conduct a non-biased test.''
A top McDonald's official said the company feels using psychics to serve
customers is something with which every businessman should be concerned.
``We know how difficult it is to prepare food as ordered, piping hot and
to the customer's satisfaction. But we want to find out how our customers
would feel if, when they drove up to a McDonald's take-out window, they
were simply handed a bag prepared just for them. All they have to do is
hand over their money to the teller who will already have the correct
change waiting - no need to even stop and order. That's why we're
conducting this test in a number of our restaurants,'' Senior Vice
President Richard Starmann said.
The psychic servers could be extended to all McDonald's outlets in the
United States if the public response is positive.
The American Society for the Advancement of Psychics said it is
``extremely pleased'' by McDonald's new experiment and hopes other
fast-food franchises will follow suit.
``We hope that other fast-food restaurants will pursue this trend and
bring us closer to a psychic-accepting society by the year 2000,'' said Dr.
Lonnie Bristow, vice president of the ASAP's Board of Trustees. From now
on, when you drive up to a McDonald's you'll be greeted by a smiling
employee, a bag of hot food (and ice-cold drinks) and a heart-warming,
``Welcome to McDonald's Psychic Burgers. That'll be $4.95.''
===========================================================================
Changing Our Tune
===========================================================================
Date: Sat, 3 Apr 1993 15:09 HKT
From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk
Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1993 14:08:00 CST
From: Michael Roberts Northern Illinois University <P30TMR8@NIU.BITNET>
Subject: changing our tune
My Fellow Americans,
I have gathered your collective eyeballs together today on this screen in
order to formally, officially and publicly propose that we all petition
Congress, the President and maybe even Hillary to change the national
anthem from "The Star Spangled Banner" to "The Adams Family theme". There
is no better way to prove to approximate ly one billion progressively more
uppitty Chinese that, on their best day, they were not nor can ever hope to
be even half so inscrutable as any one of us falling out of either side of
the bed on any given morning. There is a special something which unites all
Americans. It is definately inscrutable and perhaps ineffable; but I feel
it in my bunions.
I have a vision for America. I see Dan Quayle, Ice Cube, Tipper Gore and
Alice Cooper linked arm in arm, swaying gently to and fro as the y belt out
a rousing rendition of "the Adams Family Theme". Each could and almost
certainly would sing in a different key in sheer celebration of our
diversity. This glorious vision sets my bunions to throbbing like jungle
tom-toms hyping the second coming of ELVIS. What could be more AMERICAN.
What better expresses who we are as a nation and what we cherish as a
people. Above all else, we must never, never forget that we only have
Texans today because there was no back door to the Alamo. This deep insight
cornerstones our peculiar greatness as one nation under whatever. Brothers
and Sisters, let us join together united by we know not what. Let us raise
our voices to whom it may concern in the very tippy top of heaven singing
"we really are a scream". What better expresses the current state of our
union than these few simple yet profound words. Let us change our tune and
raise our voices. In doing so, we shall astonish the world and give new
hope to every other nation. Especially to those who have least to sing
about. Even Yeltsin shall stop in the very midst of his troubles long
enough to smile, suddenly reflecting that it could be worse.
===========================================================================
BARNEY HAS SHOWN HIMSELF TO THE MASSES!
===========================================================================
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 93 23:19:18 EDT
From: Sean Pogue <spogue@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu>
From: spogue@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Sean Pogue)
Subject: Re: BARNEY HAS SHOWN HIMSELF TO THE MASSES!
Date: Wed, 7 Apr 1993 06:33:00 GMT
In article <1993Mar29.101954.48601@kuhub.cc.ukans.edu>
2hwblocked@kuhub.cc.ukans
.edu writes:
>Great God! Didn't ANYONE see Barney revealed on TV last thursday?!
>Channel 9 here in KC showed a tape of an instance where Barney's true message
>was revealed to the brethren!
>But seriously, folks! The story was one of those "tack on to the end" human
>interest ones, to appease the least common denominator of society. It
>involved a cable TV operator who superimposed graphics on top of a Barney
>episode which was playing to the masses. The news showed a video of the
>episode, with Barney smiling and giggling and stomping around like a fucking
>moron, and then these white letters started flashing on the screen, saying
>messages like "OBEY BARNEY!", "SUBMIT TO BARNEY", and even "BARNEYNESS IS NEXT
>TO GODLINESS". I was already on the floor laughing my ass off when a giant
>puffy stylized SWASTIKA!! appeared on the screen, flashing ominously on top of
>the goddamn iguanadon. The news reported that the cable operator "meant it in
>fun, and says he worships (?!) Barney, but the shows producers were
considering
>a lawsuit." Did every other TV station in the country miss this? I have two
>witnesses that saw it.
Good to hear the story made KC. It was our (me 'n my partner) tape. I AM
that 'cable operator.' So far the story has been in USA Today, Inside
Edition, the AP & UPI wires and across the country from there.
We are the First Church of Barney Dinosaur, Transcendent. Like we told the
AP wire, we have congregations in eight states and the Dominican Republic.
To the media we are the 'Barney Cult.'
Yep, two guys sitting around at a small-town public access cable channel
bored out of their skulls with a pile of video tapes, a camera/monitor
setup to make live video feedback and an Amiga character generator can
create a national MEDIA MAELSTROM without even trying.
Its a long story, and I've been telling it for two weeks solid now, so I'll
give y'all the short and sweet version for now.
Me an Tom went up to the access channel here in Athens one night to
experiment with the Amiga they have up there and to tape some video
feedback stuff we had been working on. (Video feedback: point a camera at a
monitor which is running a live feed from the camera; you get a mandala
like image. Kinda like pointing two mirrors at each other.) Ken, the
director of the station, hands us the keys to the station, says have phun
lock up when you leave. We are in control. We pop in a Barney & Friends
tape and begin to broadcast live to the 6500 subscribers to Continental
Cablevision in Athens.
We had no idea what was about to happen.
So we start to superimpose feedback patterns over Barney and the Gang along
with amiga titles such as
K00L RANCH DAVIDIANS
ARE AWAITING INSTRUKTIONS
FROM BARNEY
along with the previously mentioned "SUBMIT TO BARNEY" and "BARNEYNESS IS
NEXT TO GODLINESS." These titles would spin around and dissolve etc.
Soundtrack was really menacing tape loop/industrial music (Spock saying
'rearrange the molecules' with a psycho-preacher saying ' in the name of
Jesus' over and over etc.) This is all fed live to the anonymous
cable-consuming masses. Very difficult to watch for long.
After a couple of hours of this we get bored so we set the tape on repeat
mode and lock up the station. We didn't know that no one was scheduled to
work at the station until 3:30 the next afternoon. Our tape played for 15
straight hours running into the saturday morning kids cartoon viewing slot.
The next day I get a call from the Columbus Dispatch wanting my reaction to
the Barney controversy we had created. He told me that angry parents had
been calling the access channel, the cable company, the City of Athens, the
FCC (?), the FBI (!?) and the producers of Barney & Friends along with all
the local and regional media to complain about our show. Some of these
parents claimed we had superimposed a swastika over the image of Barney,
scaring (and scarring) their children. The reporter told us that Lions
Group, owners of the Barney image and reapers of the multi-million $$
Barney merchandising empire, were shocked and were threatening a lawsuit
against us.
It took a solid minute for the situation to sink into my slack-ladened
brain but then the POSSIBILITIES unfolded before me. The words came as
great waves of Barneyness washed over me and I realized that Barney is the
only way to true slack. I shared my revelation with the man from the
Dispatch as it occurred. The First Church of Barney Dinosaur, Transcendent
was formed. And Barney was pleased.
The next morning at 6:00 AM my phone started ringing off the hook. Two out
of three of the Columbus television stations requested interviews with us
and promptly sent news crews driving the 85 miles to Athens. We convert
them to Barneyanity. We were the LEAD STORY on channel 6 at six AND
eleven. 'Barney cult superimposes swastikas over Barney the Dinosaur.
Producers say they will sue.' We appear, earnestly urging viewers to
submit to Barney. Im sure this is the footage that turned up in KC.
Someone calls me on the fone and threatens my life.
The next day USA Today picks up the story from the AP wire and all hell
breaks loose. We get 20 or so fone calls before 9:00 AM. Radio and print
media from across the country want in on the 'Barney Cult' phenomenon. Fox
news services in washington calls requesting our tape. A Current Affair
offers us $500 for exclusive rights to our tape and story. Praise Barney.
Lions fires off a letter to the access channel informing them that they
will sue if our show is rebroadcast; they are pissed to say the least.
Tom & I freak out and try to contact lawyers to find out if we can sell the
tape to A Current Affair without getting reamed by Lions. In desperation
we call the lawyer of Tom's friend's band the Screw Tractors in cleveland,
a Brad Rosen in NYC. After 5 minutes of insane ramblings about Barney,
swastikas, media, lawsuits etc Brad is converted to the Church and
dedicates his life to defending us against all Enemies of Barney, gratis.
He understands. Alas by the time we Fed Ex him our tape to review, A
Current Affair is no longer interested in us. Brad tells us that this is
for the good because if we had sold the tape to anyone we would have been
in deep shit with Lions. Anyway Inside Edition picked us up a few days
later and used, we think, footage shot by the Columbus news crews. The
forces of Barney are indeed inscrutable.
Fellow Slackers, I write this primarily to share with you the most
satisfying week of my life and to thank you all for feeding me the the high
electrons of Slack. For if the truth be known, although I had seen the
Time/Life commercials for Barney, The True Barneyness of Barney wasn't
clear to me until I scanned this group one day. You all inspired our
original show. We are all one in Barneyness.
Sean Pogue
1st Church of Barney Dinosaur, Transcendent
Has ANYONE ELSE heard mention of the First Church? We are desperately
trying to assemble all references to our church printed and broadcast
across the country. We have yet to see the Inside Edition broadcast about
us. They won't give us a tape. Did anyone see this? I think it broadcast
last wednesday. WE KNEED A TAPE. Does anyone have access to LEXUS/NEXUS
who could punch up the Church? Any ideas where the church could go from
here? We now have contacts in media outlets across the country, anyone want
to help push this thing further? SUBMIT TO BARNEY!!
"Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination" - Barney & Friends theme
"I am the Lizard King. I can do anything." - Barney
===========================================================================
Fixing your Car with OTIS
===========================================================================
Date: Mon, 19 Apr 1993 18:42:15 -0400 (EDT)
From: <jstevens@world.std.com>
Subject: Re: (Forwarded) Re: A note from the Pope
Spode is in charge of car repair.
Sorry about that.
Waving crystals over the hood sometimes works as does sympathetic magic:
1. Buy a Hotwheels or Matchbox car that looks like yours.
2. Build a standard temple to Spode as described in the OTISIAN Home
Religious Manual and Kosher Cookbook; be sure to include the ultraviolet
lighting and ceremonial Yak droppings!
3. Gather together 15 of your closest friends. Place the car in the
center of a lotus blossom in front of the alter. Behind the car place a
brown bucket containing 13 pounds of crushed asprin, 4 quarts of motor oil,
1/2 pint of windshield washer, a half gallon of gasoline, and assorted
engine parts. Ste this mixture on fire.
4. Join hands with your friends and dance in circles around the flaming
bucket chanting healing players over the Matchbox model car (a laying of
hands is also helpful), ending with a hearty shout of "HAIL SPODE" (x4) and
finally, a terrific HAIL OTIS (x4).
If this fails to work, attempt traditional methods. Remember that Spode MAY
bill you for any car repair (fixed axle, repaired karma, etc). That he
performs. HE charges $80.00/hour plus parts.
===========================================================================
Flower
===========================================================================
Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1993 11:37:26 EDT
From: "Hawthorne was not a historian..." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
Subject: well, I thought this was funny...
FLOWER IT MEANS...
Red rose Love
Yellow rose Friendship
White rose Fear
Pink rose Indecision
Green rose I am from Mars
Lily I am dead
Dandelion I am very cheap
Dandelion going to seed I am very cheap and I am dead
Buttercup I do/don't like butter (rubbed on chin)
Chrysanthemum I have periodontal disease
Carnation I ripped this off of some guy's tuxedo
Posey I want sex immediately
Daisy I want sex immediately with a large yak
Sunflower I am hungry
Crabgrass I just escaped from a mental institution
Scallion I am clueless
===========================================================================
And Still more News of the Weird
===========================================================================
From: "The confident assertion of my plans belies a vast sea of panicked
confusion..." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
To: hillv@kenyon.edu
Subject: Tidbits Of The Strange and other kinds things.
From the Atlanta Journal/Constitution (aka Atlanta's worst writers/best...):
_News_Of_The_Weird_
DO HIS FRIENDS CALL HIM MOLE? As of early March, police in Newcastle,
England, had not captured the "Hole in the Wall Boy," believed to be about
13, who lives in tunnels and airconditioning ducts and comes out to rob
and terrorize residents of a local housing project.
DIRT PAJAMAS: The Associated Press recently reported that Ernest
Dittemore had completed 18 years of sleeping in a 4-foot- by-10-foot hole
in the ground on his property in Troy, Kansas. When Mr. Dittemore's house
burned down in 1974, he began to spend nights in the hole, and when his
neighbors chipped in to buy him a trailer to live in, he moved his
possessions into it but continued to spend nights in the hole, which he says
is "a lot easier to heat."
CALL HIM STINKY: In December, a court in Oslo, Norway, ruled that Oslo
University did not have to admit a current student, a 39-year-old
astrophysics major, to class until he bathes. The man has been living in a
cave near the campus for 14 years and had sued the university for $470,000
for denying him access to an exam. He said the case was about "my right to
decide how I want to live" and "not about whether I smell bad or not," but
the court said it was the latter.
THE KHAN YOU NEVER KNEW: In December, director Ken Anakin wrapped up
work for an Italian production company's film that Mr. Anakin said would
show the human side of Genghis Khan, the 13th-century Mongol warlord known
for his cruelty. "The other side," said Mr. Anakin, "is more like a
country boy with a peasant mentality."
EFFICIENCY REPORT: The New York Times reported recently that the
Environmental Protection Agency, asked to respond officially to a
congressional report charging that the agency uses too many outside
contractors, paid a contractor $20,000 to write the response.
JUST COULDN"T STOP: Larry Burchfield, 28, was arrested in
Martinsville, Indiana, in November and charged with burglary. He was
discovered inside a home at 3 a.m., when the owners were awakened by the
sound of Mr. Burchfield playing their piano. He did not stop playing until
the police arrived.
PAMPERS FAD? Recently, there have been several reports of grown men
appearing in public wearing diapers and little else. Richard L. Beay, 26,
was arrested in January in West Allis, W Wisconson, after he asked a female
high school student if she would change him. And a 52-year-old man was
stopped by police in Contoocook, New Hampshire, in March after being found
in a parking lot wearing only a t-shirt and a disposable diaper (with duck
designs on it).
THE ORDERS OF DISARRAY: In November, a Los Angeles jury convicted
professional clown Terry ("Clownzo the Clown") Knutson of six counts
related to his messy house and property, including "rodent harborage."
Neighbors had complained for 15 years about the garbage, but Clownzo was
defiant: "Everything here has a purpose. My life doesn't need to be put in
order."
===========================================================================
Give Tony Alamo a Treat
===========================================================================
Date: 24 Jun 1993 10:10:37 -0500 (EST)
From: Jester <JFORMOSO@VAXC.STEVENS-TECH.EDU>
Subject: Hope this is the right place to send this...
Hail and well-met, OTISians.
The following is a letter which I have been circulating on the Net
to members of the Erisian Church of Pentaversal Discord. I thought it
might be worth a little bandwidth to send it to you in the hopes that you
might help me to commit an absurdity worthy of the Non-Prophets of Olde.
Let us put aside our differences (Law of Fours, indeed) and turn
our combined silliness toward a common enemy. They are known as
Zakinthians to you and Thuddites to us, but they are surely spawned of the
same cursed memes; "Order is Good," "Disorder is Bad," "I am right, so
anyone who disagrees with me is wrong," and "No one in his right mind would
put peanut butter on an apple."
Let the Purple Thunderbolt of Spode and the Sacred Hammer of
Bonking strike down together and smite the unenlightened!
I thank you in advance for any aid you can give us in this effort.
------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings, Brethren and Sistren in Eris!
I have recently received a name (and address) of great power, and
feel the need to act accordingly. Everyone get out your monthly planners
(or pull your calendars off the wall), get out a pen, and jot down the
following info a few days before August 15 (8/15 -> 8+1+5=14 -> 1+4=*5*):
Tony Alamo
World Pastor (isn't there something about pride in the Bible?)
Holy Alamo Christian Church
13136 Sierra Highway
Canyon County, California 91351
This man-of-the-clothing has been responsible for any number of
religious tracts. These tracts, while humorous in the extreme to the
enlightened, tend to scare the masses into shackling themselves to that
palest shadow of Discrodianism, Christianity. His admonishments to all
varieties of "sinners" (a Christian word whose root means "people who enjoy
themselves") and his glorification of various and sundry
moral/ethical/metaphysical straightjackets mark him clearly as a member in
good standing of the Sacred Order of the Defamation League and a prime dupe
of Greyface.
I am organizing an attempt to enlighten this poor misguided man via
an Abnormail Assault. This assault should strike on the above-mentioned
date (that is, the mail should ARRIVE on that day [or as close as is
possible]) and contain every type of weird shit imaginable. Remember at
all times that the goal here is to teach him the Omnihumorousness of the
Cosmic Joke of Eris (or else drive him stark raving mad); send appropriate
letters/postcards/objects/publications/ sheep-shaped erasers.
Please attempt to get as many people as possible in on this. The
more mail he gets, the more likely it is that we will achieve our goal.
Yours in Eris,
Episkopos Aloysius Thudthwacker
Jester to the Court of Emperor Norton I
and Keeper of the Truth
===========================================================================
A Papal Epistle
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1993 23:05:21 -0400 (EDT)
From: <jstevens@world.std.com>
On Wed, 23 Jun 1993, LindaHedges wrote:
> So, do you write this stuff on the fly or do you have some huge file cabinet
> stuffed with great-OTIS-stories-for-any-occasion? Or maybe, like me, you
> are blessed with strange dreams.
Glad you asked. When it comes to inspiring her loyal following on Earth,
OTIS works in mysterious ways. Most of these cannot be discussed until
after the dust from the lawsuit clears (so WHAT if Shakespere and I said
exactly the same thing hunters of years apart? But I digress...), but
divine inspiration is the most common.
Which is to say that I do indeed do much of this on the fly. Other methods
include, stone tablets dropped from heaven (which brings up another
interesting lawsuit I'll discuss later, maybe), scrolls with burning
characters written on them, and Blinky and Bleary-eyed, the cute little
OTISian Elves who sneak into my room late at night and type things on this
very keyboard.
>
> (Somewhere in lo these many years I've been following OTIS, I've gotten the
> impression that doctrine is written to answer questions as they are asked.
> You must live in a world of pure inspiration- Hail OTIS.)
Indeed. It is a common complaint against OTISianism that we are "making it
up as [we] go along." (HAIL OTIS!) Nothing, of course, could be father
from the truth (HAIL SPODE!); in fact the "we're playing this thing by ear"
attitude is a CLEVER RUSE to hide the world wide, centuries-old Machiavellian
machinations of Our Great Faith. Not even I am completely sure just what
plot we've been hatching all these years, but, let me tell ya, when it
breaks through the shell, it'll be a zinger.
It's important to note, too, that the one thing all religions have in
common (apart from their drive to produce piles of marketable kitsch), is
that they are universally badly planned. Take Xianity, for example, where
three guys pretty much agree on who this Jesus fellow was (although they
quibble over details like time and place), and one guy adamantly denies
most of it. The guy who becomes the faith's driving force, of course,
admits that while he hasn't actually MET the Messiah (or savior, or
"anointed one"; heres another area of confusion), he's heard great things
about him, and thinks that he might have sent him into a seizure on a road
once, as a way of letting him know he'd been chosen.
And if you think THAT stretches the 'ol rubber band of plausibility past
the breaking point, give me a minute to talk about Islam (or this Buddha
guy, for that matter).
Yip, someday people will look back on OTISianism and marvel at its unity of
vision.
>
> In any case I will follow my own dream's dictates, and mail my cut and paste
> offering today. If any reference to the Daughters of Creiza offend, feel
> free to recut and paste. But do so at your own risk; dreams do not
> recognize geographic boundaries and I wouldn't want to feel responsible for
> any nocturnal visitations you might have.
WONDERFUL! Look forward to reading it! Of course, the Daughters
themselves will probably demand to make at least some of the editing cuts.
May OTIS BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU CLOSE TO HIS?HER BOSOM (but not TOO close)...
"Pope" Jephe I
===========================================================================
Xerox Magick
===========================================================================
Date: 03 May 1993 00:16:46 -0400 (EDT)
From: "Hush my darling, be still my darling - the lion's on the phone..."
<75FURLONG@CUA.EDU>
Subject: Lose the copier repair number? Fear not....
BLACK MAGIC, 9 TO 5
The topic of the day is photocopiers, which have some pretty
strange things inside them that enhance their ability to catch and hold
psychic energy. The corona wires, for instance, are twenty-four-karat gold,
and some of the lenses can take a "charge" as well as a crystal can. So
obviously, copiers are very sensitive to negativity; frequent breakdowns
are the result.
My solution is to hang a totem behind the copier to attract all the
loose, unfocused energy that is directed at the machine. I take four
one-inch- wide strips of black construction paper and string them together
with cotton twine. With my glue stick, I draw a counter-clockwise circle on
each strip. (The glue stick is the wand that binds the spell.) Every two
weeks or so I put up a new circle. I take the old one to a public waste
receptacle at a busy intersection near work, dump it in, and go on my way
*without looking back.* (emphasis theirs)
While nothing except divine intervention can make a copier
completely breakdown-proof, what this spell does is alter the energy in the
room where the copier is located. Users have a calmer attitude, and
breakdowns due to "operator error" are reduced to nil. [end of excerpt]
===========================================================================
paleologue written by Oom Paul while bathing in Kaffir milk
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 06 May 1993 12:19:57 EST
From: "Give Zangando three hundred gift wrapped copies of Perry Miller and
John Demos and a box of chocolates.--Hugh, advice for orals"
<hillv@kenyon.edu>
From: gooley@netcom.com (Mark. Gooley)
Subject:paleologue written by Oom Paul while bathing in Kaffir milk
Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 14:06:59 GMT
C: I love you. You're the most beautiful, wonderful woman I've ever known.
D: Actually, I'm not your beloved. I'm a beef tamale she ate last Thursday,
and my consciousness has taken possession of this body.
C: That's all right. I'm really a steel-belted radial snow tire under an
enchantment. Clearly we were made for each other.
D: My uncle doesn't like rubber products.
C: We don't have to tell him. I can imitate a chimichanga fairly well if
I drink enough hot salsa the day before.
D: The question is moot, because I don't love you.
C: Perhaps I can change?
D: No, don't change a thing about yourself. I despise you just as you are.
C: But why?
D: Have you forgotten about the battle of Hastings?
C: It made a good pudding.
D: But I was incontinent under a bush named George at the time.
C: Velour should not have been so cruel to you, you know.
D: You crush me. I'm supposed to be delicious in a Madeira sauce, and yet
vermin still laugh when I sit down to play the fool.
C: Your great-aunt should have thought of that before trying to remove her
own ovaries with a bamboo knife and a pair of curling and Chinese tongs.
D: Don't you dare insult your own family, you callous lapidary, or I'll
soak you in caramel sauce and feed you to Enoch Powell.
C: Vermifuge has nothing to do with it.
D: Wanna bet?
C: Attack ponies are no excuse for punctuality.
D: That's a delicious argument. I could just slice your libido into chunks
and feed it to my pet chimera.
C: Shall we disembowel each other with toothpicks?
===========================================================================
David Copperfield is an Alien
===========================================================================
Date: Thu, 06 May 93 19:21:18 CDT
From: Reverend John <UC521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu>
Subject: David Copperfield is a Pleidian
The following is an excerpt from an interview with someone named Penny
Harper in the new issue of FAR-OUT!, a cheesy but fun UFO/general weirdness
magazine published by Larry Flynt.
...
PH: Yeah, I told them I had had it with them [the Pleidians were abducting
her and bothering her]. So they left me alone. After that, I think I had
one out-of-body experience. But I had asked to meet a certain celebrity.
FO: A certain celebrity Pleidian?
PH: No, a certain celebrity Earth person. And I met him on the spaceship.
And I hadn't specified that I would meet him on the spaceship. I said it'd
be fine if I met him in a theater or nightclub.
FO: The real guy? He was up there at the same time?
PH: Yeah, and I met him and I said "I always knew he was one of
those guys."
FO: Who was it?
PH: David Copperfield, the magician.
FO: He was up there? [in the spacecraft]
PH: He was on the spaceship. I haven't told many people this because it
sounds so bogus. I was driving on the freeway, and it was an out-of- body
experience. But I thought it was very cool and I'd just felt like he was
one of them and I put our word to the Pleidians that I'd really like to
meet David Copperfield.
FO: What did he say to you?
PH: That's the weird thing. He didn't say anything. Of course, I hadn't
specified that we'd actually talk. I just wanted to meet him.
FO: So you just shook his hand.
PH: I didn't even shake his hand.
FO: Was he aloof? Unfriendly?
PH: He was aloof. But it occurred to me, in my own mind, that he is one of
them.
FO: That he's a Pleidian?
PH: He certainly seems to have supernatural powers. Have you ever seen his
stage show?
FO: I've seen his TV work.
PH: I've seen him live several times and he's just incredible. When you see
him on TV, you go, "Yeah, it's a trick," but when you see him live, it's
just way more convincing.
FO: Have you ever met any other celebrities on ships?
PH: I have had friends who have had metaphysical experiences with
celebrities. I had a girlfriend who said Jim Morrison was haunting her
apartment...
end of excerpt
So, do celebrities maybe have more metaphysical powers because of all their
fans or something? And is she sure that Copperfield didn't implant a
rectal probe in her body or something? You know those aliens do all kinds
of weird things.
Rev
===========================================================================
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
===========================================================================
--Subink 1993