1592 lines
71 KiB
Plaintext
1592 lines
71 KiB
Plaintext
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***** ***** ***** *****
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***** ***** ***** *****
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************* ************* ************* *************
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** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** ** ** *** **
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********* ********* ********* *********
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** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
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***** ***** ***** *****
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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####========================================================####
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 34
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####========================================================####
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"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
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still going strong"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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* **** *
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*** *** ***
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**** * *****
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************************************
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****************************************
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************************************
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**** ***** *****
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*** ***** ***
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* ***** *
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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*****
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***********
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*********
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
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####===================================================================####
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INTRO
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####===================================================================####
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Welcome to a brand new year. Yes, it's 1992. A brand new year to spread the
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truth of Otis! 365 days of pure OTISian fun. [Let's just pretend I wrote
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that bit on January 1 instead of a few minutes before I mailed this out.]
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I'm sorry for the delay about getting this out. The mailer we use has not
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been allowing out going mail for over a month. This is mostly due to the
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load we were placing on it. You'll notice this came to you by another
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address. The address at the top of this is still very valid. It just cannot
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be used for mass mailings at this time. We'll survive. [As I recall the
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Pope might have a similar problem in his stint of editing. Perhaps it's
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time to cry "Religious Oppression!" Or is it Spode just throwing a spanner
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into the works to make our job here at the Submarine Pens trickier?]
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One point that has come to my attention recently is how to pronounce
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OTISian? Does one say OTIS-ian or Oteesian similar to Parisian? We should
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settle this point immediately seeing as we don't want the unwashed masses
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thinking there are two religions out there. [Then again, we might be able to
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bilk the gullible out of two donations instead of one.]
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Another point I should raise is submissions. Besides the various sundry
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hardware, holiday and mailer problems we had, there was a lack of
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submissions. This was probably because of the holidays, so no biggie.
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Anyway, I encourage each and every one of you folks reading this to send us
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along something. We can always use more submissions. Make your place in the
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sun. Become famous for 15 minutes as it were. Purps now goes out all over
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the computer to OTIS knows where. Our subscription list is just the tip of
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the iceberg I gather. Also, Purps does go out through the snail mail and
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who knows whom that reaches. So you see, it's easy. Submit to Otis and become
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famous. [And when you do, remember to donate some of that money you gained
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off being in Purps to the IGHF.]
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As for the Pope, he is alive and well. We just received a missive in the mail
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from him. No doubt maybe of you have received one as well. I case you
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didn't here's some of what he said:
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"Despite the lag and the changes, however, we have, in all false modesty,
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one hell of a good issue [The Otisian Directory] coming up (HAIL OTIS!),
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with guest reviews [by the Infamous Doc Simpson. Maybe he'll reveal some of
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what he found in the Gobi on his last expedition.] (he promises me) and
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several other folks, more original 'fiction' than we've ever published before
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(including work by Glenn Russell, if he lets me, and Judy Fitzgerald), more
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art than you can shake a stick at (hey, what you do with your free time is
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your own business), and (HAIL OTIS!!!!) absolutely NO poetry to speak of. So
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far I'm looking at around 40 pages (a double issue), although budget
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constraints may scale it back somewhat. Our estimated date of publication is
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FEB. 15, WAY behind schedule, but it can't be helped. Deadline for
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submissions [use address at top of Purps] (which, if you asked, we are still
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accepting), is 2/10 for "printer ready" material, 2/1 if you want me to
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typeset or otherwise prepare anything."
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Probably soon we'll have an official announcement on this but I figured the
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Pope wouldn't mind giving you a sneak preview. With the more or less
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demise, or dormancy of Fact Sheet Five The Directory may be one of your
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best bets to find neat stuff.
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Okay enough preaching and on with the show. This issue is huge. About a
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week ago or so submissions started trickling in which I'm more than
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thankful for. I've also received a few by mail as well.
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I hope that the next issue will come out at it's supposed to-- Two weeks
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from now.
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####===================================================================####
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NEWS OF THE WEIRD
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####===================================================================####
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From: Fawn Fitter real live Freelance Journalist. Look for her up coming
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article "in Cosmopolitan".
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[News of the Weird by Chuck Shepherd]
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Time magazine reported in June a growing trend in Third World countries of
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people selling their organs to brokers in order to improve their standard
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of living. In high demand are kidneys (typical price, $2,000), corneas
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($4,000) and skin ($50 a patch). One tailor was interviewed after having
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sold a kidney to pay for this daughter's wedding.
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In July policed entering a suburban Detroit home found an intoxicated
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5-year-old boy who was smoking a cigarette and demonstrating a sex act. He
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said he had just been given gin by his father.
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Robert L. Barber, a biologist for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service in the
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federal office building in downtown Atlanta, collects bullet shells during
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his lunch-hour walks. He claimed recently to have acquired more than 10
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pounds of lead and brass casings in the last for year just within a
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five-block radius so his office.
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The Texas Department of Human Services rushed radio public-service
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announcement out in July to combat a "crisis" in teenage pregnancy after
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learning of a 24-year-old grandmother.
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In Kansas City, Mo., a 41-year-old man was hospitalized in March after a
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botched burglary attempt. He had been surprised by an off-duty police
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officer as he was attempting to burglarize a Dillard's department store.
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His accomplice jumped in their getaway car and attempted to run over the
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officer, who managed to get out of the way, but the burglar didn't and was
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run over and injured severely.
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Five employees at the Pacer Industries plant in Pensacola, Fla., were
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overcome by carbon monoxide in a workplace accident this summer. The
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company makes auto parts, including devices to detect carbon monoxide.
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During March's Firefighters Association cook-off in San Antonio, Texas, a
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fire stared in the grassy area housing the barbecue grills, then spread and
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ultimately damaged more than 100 cars before it was contained.
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Tony Zappia, 33, of Santa Monica, Calif,. was seriously inured in April in
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an incident that began when a bird sitting on a lamppost relieved itself on
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Zappia's head. Angered, Zappia began shaking the lamppost but only
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succeeded in loosening a large bulb, which crashed onto his head,
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fracturing his skull.
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The Ottawa Civic Hospital heart-patient wing, newly constructed and as yet
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without patients, was nonetheless to be the site of a long-awaited visit by
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Britain's Princess Diana in October. The hospital thus gathered former
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patients who had been treated in other part of the hospital to come to the
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heart wing, put pajamas on and lie in bed and greet the princess.
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Jesus Henderson, 22, was arrested in St. Paul, Minn., fleeing the sandwich
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shop he had just robbed. His escape dash happened to take him past a police
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precinct station during a shift change, with many officers going in and out
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of the building. And Arthur Bringe, 60, a Chicago nursing-home resident,
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tried to rob the First National Band in Ma on payday for the nearby police
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precinct. He was arrested when the teller signaled a uniformed sergeant in
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her line that Bringe had handed her a hold up note.
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Michael Michell, 40, a prison escapee from Montana, was arrested in August
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while attending a Seattle Mainers baseball game. He as in line at a
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souvenir stand at the ballpark right in front of Montana State Prison
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Warden Jack McCormick who was attending the game while on vacation.
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McCormick later said: "He was real surprised to see me. I said, "Hi Mike,
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how are you doing?"
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Donna Endicott was driving on I-84 near Portland, Ore, in May when she
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noticed that the car in front of her was hers, which has been stole
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recently. She followed the car for about 20 minutes until it sopped in
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front of a house and two men got out. She jumped into the stolen car and
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drove away. The men had gotten out to commit a robbery, and when they
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emerged from the house, they had no getaway car and were captured less than
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an hour later.
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Terry Goodman, a construction worker in San Jose, Calif., who was using a
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portable toilet when a forklift operator picked it up and moved it to
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another location won $89,000 in a May lawsuit for the resulted injuries.
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In Quarkertown, Pa., Gladys Diehl and her husband filed a lawsuit last
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spring against the Sealy mattress company and Hess' department store,
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claiming that a 26-inch-long snake had been living in side the mattress
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they purchased. It was the couples second such mattress; after the felt
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slithering in the first one, they exchanged for rot a second one, then felt
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slithering in that one, too. They took the second mattress to a testing
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laboratory, where the snake, by the dead, as discovered.
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The National Easter Seal society sued the American Lung Association (which
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issues "Christmas seals") last summer in Madison, Wis., to prevent it from
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using the concept of "seals" for fun-raising campaigns.
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####===================================================================####
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JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT BROCCOLI WAS SAFE TO EAT
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####===================================================================####
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Subject: Too sick to believe (Maybe George is right!?).
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Date: Wed, 18 Dec 91 17:09:48 -0500
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From: "Sam Hill Cabal, DS" <tsdavies@mailbox.syr.edu>
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>From: Ted.Taylor@p4214.f104.n109.z1.FidoNet.Org (Ted Taylor)
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Subject: A Word of Warning...
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Date: 16 Dec 91 02:23:46 EST
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I'm posting this with the deepest regret, but I have to tell you about the
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broccoli I got at the market on Saturday. NICE broccoli, high price, fresh
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and just the right color, and it even came with a band around the stalks
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saying "NO pesticides/insecticides/preservatives." "Wonderful," I thought
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to myself, "even with all the problems they're having in California, we can
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still get great produce from California, here on the east coast. Isn't
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America wonderful?"
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The broccoli tasted great, too -- my wife and I each had a clump, and I
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steamed half of the rest of it for a quiche.
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On closer inspection -- fortunately, BEFORE putting the broccoli into the
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quiche -- it turned out the head was utterly infested with white flies.
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Little guys, just slightly bigger than the "beads" at the end of broccoli
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floret, and kinda gray/white in color. And lots of them -- thousands, I
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think. (I'm not exaggerating. Once I knew what I was looking for, I
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couldn't turn over a floret without seeing a lot of white flies.)
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Froze the unused portion with the steamed half, got my money back (no
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argument, you betcha). But the really bad news is... I can't trust
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broccoli any more. Not until they solve the white fly problem.
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What to look for (and yes, if you know what they are you can spot them in
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the store) is little ovals (with very fine legs sticking out,
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mosquito-like), about half-way between an "o" and a "." in size. QUITE
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small, and if you browse through the broccoli florets, there's a fair
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chance of finding some.
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As many as were on this one head of broccoli (many hundreds? a few
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thousands?), it's clear it will take an enormous eradication program to get
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rid of these little devils. And it should also be clear that prices will
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go up, and that we'll have to get used to a lot more insecticide in our
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food, too. And once those trucks from California come our way, this coming
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spring, those white flies are going to be /everywhere/ in these United
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States.
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There is one bright side to this. The little bug(ger)s are darned tasty.
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My wife and I thought it was the best broccoli we ever had, until we found
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out why it tasted different from other broccoli we'd had. Sweet, and
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crunchy -- just like broccoli ought to be.
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-- T <still rinsing and spitting> T
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####===================================================================####
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THE AMAZING WORLD OF SPODE
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####===================================================================####
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Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1991 11:08 HKT
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From: "Mighty Spode God of Chaos" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
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Subject: tidbits to brighten your weekend...
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_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 13 December 1991
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_No Kidding_
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A colleague reminded us of a town in the United States called Big
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Ugly. Some years ago, a child went missing, but was found safe a few
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days later.
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The headline in the local newspaper the following day said it all:
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Big Ugly Child Found.
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+++++++++++++++++++++
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_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 21 November 1991
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_Customs gets a wee bit of the old pooh-pooh_
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It's tough being an international zoo worker. Customs officers
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are simply not understanding enough about what one has to take through
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barriers.
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This we heard from a senior Hongkong executive who met a panda
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specialist from San Diego Zoo on a Dragonair flight.
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The zoo executive was passing through Hongkong on a trip to Fuzhou
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Zoo, to meet her Chinese counterparts.
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Customs officers do not easily accept that the alcoholic-looking
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liquid you are carrying is "panda urine", she sighed.
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You need all sorts of equipment.
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People are surprised to learn that pandas are not naturally kind
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and gentle, but this behavior has to be coaxed out of them, she said.
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How?
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She plucked a specially-designed panda marital aid out of her bag -
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another nightmare to explain to the customs desk.
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The worst thing is when you have to transport a sample of animal
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matter that looks exactly like cannabis, she said.
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Picture the beefy, unsympathetic customs guard pointing at this
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packet of illicit-looking brown crumbly stuff.
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"And what do you call this, madam?"
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"Dragon poo."
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But it was. She had to carry feces samples from a Komodo dragon.
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It is the sort of reply that makes customs officials smile
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pityingly and lock you up.
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+++++++++++++++++++++
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_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 3 December 1991
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_Legal Lights_
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Now this is an abuse-the-lawyers story written by a lawyer. You can
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tell from the style.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
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(1). The party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", shall, with
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or without elevation at his option, by ladder or any other means of
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elevation, grasp the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb",
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and rotate the part of the second part in a counterclockwise direction.
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(2). Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
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Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"),
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the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing
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of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with
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all applicable statutes.
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(3). Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
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first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the
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|
|
party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").
|
||
|
|
Etc, etc.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
+++++++++++++++++++++
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 26 September 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Square Circles_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Reader Neil McLaughlin phoned 824-6111, a number described in the
|
||
|
|
telephone directory as "Immigration - All Inquiries".
|
||
|
|
The voice said he could not help, as he only dealt with General
|
||
|
|
Inquiry.
|
||
|
|
"I asked for the extension number of someone who might be able to
|
||
|
|
help me," said Mr. McLaughlin.
|
||
|
|
He said that that was also a Special Inquiry, so he could not
|
||
|
|
answer it.
|
||
|
|
"I asked him if he could connect me to someone else who knew
|
||
|
|
somebody else who knew who I should be speaking to."
|
||
|
|
He was given the number of the Main Directory, which he called.
|
||
|
|
"I have a Special Inquiry to make," he said.
|
||
|
|
"Please explain the nature of your inquiry."
|
||
|
|
He obliged.
|
||
|
|
"That is a General Inquiry. Call 824-6111."
|
||
|
|
Click.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
+++++++++++++++++++++
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
South China Morning Post - 13 December 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Rum Stolen by Elephants_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
NEW DELHI: Army officials in West Bengal asked the forestry department
|
||
|
|
to find a way to stop elephants from swiping rum from their camp store.
|
||
|
|
Bagdogra base officers said the elephants had figured out how to
|
||
|
|
bridge electric fences with logs and use their trunks to hose out fires
|
||
|
|
lit to keep them away from the liquor.
|
||
|
|
====
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
BY THE BALLS OF BROW
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
[Here's the info you've all been waiting for. Snatch them up before they're
|
||
|
|
all gone.]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 92 00:28:57 CST
|
||
|
|
From: "Reverend John" <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Oh OTISian faithful....
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Are ye saved? Are ye lost? Are ye confused? Do the names which swirl
|
||
|
|
about each issue of PURPS drive you to drink?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Then fear not. You are on the right path.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
To help you along that path, material from the first twenty issues of PURPS
|
||
|
|
has been assembled in an EZ-2-Read paper format. It's 8.5" by 14", not
|
||
|
|
folded, just stapled so you get big floppy pages that looks cool on your
|
||
|
|
coffee table or when hawked from soap boxes on street corners. 26 pages
|
||
|
|
jam-packed more or less with articles, stories, drinking games, and more.
|
||
|
|
Lots of essential OTISian material on the basics of what's what and who's
|
||
|
|
who that you probably haven't even guessed at. Lovingly compiled and
|
||
|
|
hand-assembled by the Rev under his own Pagan Publishing, The Balls of Brow
|
||
|
|
is available now for OTISian fun enhancement. Yow!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
To order: send the Rev $3 cash, check, money order, whatever, as
|
||
|
|
follows...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Pagan Publishing
|
||
|
|
c/o Rev. John Tynes
|
||
|
|
1409 Wilson Ave.
|
||
|
|
Columbia, MO 65201
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Make checks/MO's payable to Rev. John Tynes
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
By The Balls Of Brow is just what you need to make sense of all this
|
||
|
|
silliness. Act quick...and wear your tin foil.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
FREUD ON SEUSS
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: Thu, 26 Dec 1991 14:53 HKT
|
||
|
|
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
||
|
|
Subject: Humor - Freud on Seuss
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Freud on Seuss
|
||
|
|
a book review by Josh LeBeau
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
(copied from the Koala, UCSD's humour newspaper, which has no
|
||
|
|
copyright notices in it anywhere)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_The Cat in the Hat_
|
||
|
|
by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the
|
||
|
|
author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of
|
||
|
|
his earlier works, most notably _Green Eggs and Ham_, _If I Ran the Zoo_,
|
||
|
|
and _Why Can't I Shower With Mommy?_ In this novel, Theodore Geisel,
|
||
|
|
writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund
|
||
|
|
Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young
|
||
|
|
children understand their own frustrated sexuality.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by
|
||
|
|
their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family
|
||
|
|
dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in
|
||
|
|
the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the
|
||
|
|
sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most
|
||
|
|
unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the
|
||
|
|
two share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the satisfaction
|
||
|
|
of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging
|
||
|
|
in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish,
|
||
|
|
an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality,
|
||
|
|
attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity
|
||
|
|
of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In
|
||
|
|
response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the
|
||
|
|
end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with
|
||
|
|
God!"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure,
|
||
|
|
the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two
|
||
|
|
books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lacteal
|
||
|
|
fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced
|
||
|
|
when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds
|
||
|
|
to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal
|
||
|
|
triangle.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large
|
||
|
|
red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of
|
||
|
|
Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator
|
||
|
|
between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions
|
||
|
|
to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and
|
||
|
|
guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take
|
||
|
|
a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for
|
||
|
|
the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these
|
||
|
|
creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control
|
||
|
|
their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol,
|
||
|
|
warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that
|
||
|
|
existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss
|
||
|
|
introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic
|
||
|
|
couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's
|
||
|
|
concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood
|
||
|
|
gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and
|
||
|
|
serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his
|
||
|
|
writing style is quick and fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible to
|
||
|
|
put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in
|
||
|
|
five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the
|
||
|
|
genius of this modern day master becomes apparent.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
RUM CAKE
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: Thu, 26 Dec 1991 14:55 HKT
|
||
|
|
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
|
||
|
|
Subject: A rum cake recipe for the post-holidays
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
----- Begin Included Message -----
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
With the holiday season upon us, I'm sure someone will wish to make a
|
||
|
|
rumcake, so herewith is the annual rumcake recipe. Those who have this on
|
||
|
|
file from last year please delete and forgive the duplication. ...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
BEST EVER RUM CAKE
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
1 or 2 quarts Rum Baking Powder
|
||
|
|
1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
|
||
|
|
1 tsp sugar Lemon juice
|
||
|
|
1 cup dried fruit Brown sugar
|
||
|
|
Nuts
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
|
||
|
|
go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Check the Rum again. It must be just right. To be sure Rum is of the
|
||
|
|
highest quality, pour 1 level cup of Rum into a glass, and drink it as fast
|
||
|
|
as you can. Repeat.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
With an electricc mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1
|
||
|
|
seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Meanwhile, make sure that the Rum is of the fines quality. Try another
|
||
|
|
cup. Open second Quart if necessary.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit, and beat till high. If druit gets
|
||
|
|
stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Sample the Rum again, checcking for tonscisticity.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Next sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Sample the Rum again.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts.
|
||
|
|
Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix wel.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Grease over the turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess int
|
||
|
|
the coven and ake.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Check the Rum again, and bo to ged.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
SAFE FAX
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: Thu, 26 Dec 1991 14:54 HKT
|
||
|
|
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
||
|
|
Subject: A guide to safe fax
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
From: Grant Hogarth <autodesk!claygate!grant@FERNWOOD.MPK.CA.US>
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
GUIDE TO SAFE FAX
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Q DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
|
||
|
|
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many
|
||
|
|
single people who fax complete strangers every day.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Q. MY PARENTS SAY THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE ONLY
|
||
|
|
ALLOWED TO WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY WERE TWENTY-ONE.
|
||
|
|
HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX?
|
||
|
|
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Q. IF I FAX SOMETHING TO MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND?
|
||
|
|
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Q. THERE IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX.
|
||
|
|
IS THIS LEGAL?
|
||
|
|
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay
|
||
|
|
a "professional" when their needs to fax become too great.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Q. SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
|
||
|
|
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you're faxing, a cover
|
||
|
|
sheet should be used to insure safe fax.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Q. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND I FAX PREMATURELY?
|
||
|
|
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a
|
||
|
|
long time. Just start over; most people won't mind if you try again.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Q. I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS BECOME MIXED UP?
|
||
|
|
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with
|
||
|
|
each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu
|
||
|
|
>Subject: Guerilla Goodness!! This is really nice - fitting for the holidays.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1991 11:58:42 PST
|
||
|
|
From: Grant Hogarth <autodesk!claygate!grant@FERNWOOD.MPK.CA.US>
|
||
|
|
Subject: GOOD NEWS: Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Just when you thought the world was going down the drain for the last
|
||
|
|
time....
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
----- Begin Included Message ----
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
PRACTICE
|
||
|
|
RANDOM KINDNESS
|
||
|
|
AND
|
||
|
|
SENSELESS ACTS OF BEAUTY
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
It's a crisp winter day in San Francisco. A woman in a red Honda, Christmas
|
||
|
|
presents piled in the back, drives up to the Bay Bridge tollbooth. "I'm
|
||
|
|
paying for myself, and for the six cars behind me," she says with a smile,
|
||
|
|
handing over seven commuter tickets.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
One after another, the next six drivers arrive at the tollbooth, dollars in
|
||
|
|
hand, only to be told, "Some lady up ahead already paid your fare. Have a
|
||
|
|
nice day."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The woman in the Honda, it turned out, had read something on an index card
|
||
|
|
taped to a friend's refrigerator: "Practice random kindness and senseless
|
||
|
|
acts of beauty." The phrase seemed to leap out at her, and she copied it
|
||
|
|
down.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Judy Foreman spotted the same phrase spray-painted on a warehouse wall a
|
||
|
|
hundred miles from her home. When it stayed on her mind for days, she gave
|
||
|
|
up and drove all the way back to copy it down. "I thought it was incredibly
|
||
|
|
beautiful," she said explaining why she's taken to writing it at the bottom
|
||
|
|
of all her letters, "like a message from above."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Her husband, Frank, liked the phrase so much that he put it up on the wall
|
||
|
|
for his seventh graders, one of whom was the daughter of a local columnist.
|
||
|
|
The columnist put it in the paper, admitting that though she liked it, she
|
||
|
|
didn't know where it came from [sic] or what it really meant.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Two days later, she heard from Anne Herbert. Tall, blonde, and forty,
|
||
|
|
Herbert lives in Marin, one of the country's ten richest counties, where
|
||
|
|
she house-sits, takes odd-jobs, and gets by. It was in a Sausalito
|
||
|
|
restaurant that Herbert jotted the phrase down on a paper place mat, after
|
||
|
|
turning it around in her mind for days.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"That's wonderful!" a man sitting nearby said, and copied it down carefully
|
||
|
|
on his own placemat.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Here's the idea," Herbert says. "anything you think there should be more
|
||
|
|
of, do it randomly."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Her own fantasies include: (1) breaking into depressing-looking schools to
|
||
|
|
paint the classrooms, (2) leaving hot meals on kitchen tables in the poor
|
||
|
|
parts of town, (3) slipping money into a proud old woman's purse. Says
|
||
|
|
Herbert, "kindness can build on itself as much as violence can." Now the
|
||
|
|
phrase is spreading, on bumper stickers, on walls, at the bottom of letters
|
||
|
|
and business cards. And as it spreads, so does a vision of guerrilla
|
||
|
|
goodness.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
In Portland, Oregon, a man might plunk a coin into a stranger's meter just
|
||
|
|
in time. In Patterson, New Jersey, a dozen people with pails and mops and
|
||
|
|
tulip bulbs might descend on a run-down house and clean it from top to
|
||
|
|
bottom while the frail elderly owners look on, dazed and smiling. In
|
||
|
|
Chicago, a teenage boy may be shoveling off the driveway when the impulse
|
||
|
|
strikes. "What the hell, nobody's looking", he thinks, and shovels the
|
||
|
|
neighbor's driveway, too.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
It's positive anarchy, disorder, a sweet disturbance. A woman in Boston
|
||
|
|
writes "Merry Christmas!" to the tellers on the back of her checks. A man
|
||
|
|
in St. Louis, whose car has just been rear-ended by a young woman, waves
|
||
|
|
her away, saying, "It's a scratch. Don't Worry."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Senseless acts of beauty spread: A man plants daffodils along the roadway,
|
||
|
|
his shirt billowing in the breeze from passing cars. In Seattle, a man
|
||
|
|
appoints himself a one man vigilante sanitation service and roams the
|
||
|
|
concrete hills collecting litter in a supermarket cart. In Atlanta, a man
|
||
|
|
scrubs graffiti from a green park bench.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
They say you can't smile without cheering yourself up a little -- likewise,
|
||
|
|
you can't commit a random act of kindness without feeling as if your own
|
||
|
|
troubles have been lightened if only because the world has become a
|
||
|
|
slightly better place.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
And you can't be a recipient without feeling a shock, a pleasant jolt. If
|
||
|
|
you were one of those rush-hour drivers who found your bridge fare paid,
|
||
|
|
who knows what you might have been inspired to do for someone else later?
|
||
|
|
Wave someone on in the intersection? Smile at a tired clerk? Or something
|
||
|
|
larger, greater? Like all revolutions, guerrilla goodness begins slowly,
|
||
|
|
with a single act. Let it be yours.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
HAL'S BIRTHDAY
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: Sun, 12 Jan 1992 07:33:45 -0600
|
||
|
|
From: Mick Souder <MASOUDER@OA.STKATE.EDU>
|
||
|
|
Subject: HAL's birthday
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Today HAL of 2001 fame is born in Urbana, Ill.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Let's all sing
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Daisy, Daisy..........
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
VENDING MACHINES
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1991 21:42 HKT
|
||
|
|
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
||
|
|
Subject: Murphy's Laws of Vending Machines
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Date: Mon, 16 Dec 1991 10:52:00 EST
|
||
|
|
From: SV643146I@LIUVAX.BITNET
|
||
|
|
Subject: Joke du Jour
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
There are Murphy's Laws for everything, right? Well, where I go to school
|
||
|
|
there are vending machines from hell. These machines have prompted me to
|
||
|
|
come up with my own laws that govern vending machines:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
STACI'S VERSION OF MURPHY'S LAWS FOR VENDING MACHINES
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The Sorry-No-Change Law:
|
||
|
|
When the 'Use Exact Change Only' light is lit you will have 3
|
||
|
|
quarters for a 55 cent product.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The 'There it goes!' Law:
|
||
|
|
When you have the exact amount, you will drop a coin and helplessly
|
||
|
|
watch it roll under the machine to be lost forever.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The First Law of Wanting:
|
||
|
|
The person at the machine will take the last one of 'Just what you
|
||
|
|
wanted'.
|
||
|
|
Corollary: The machine will be refilled with nothing you wanted.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The Second Law of Wanting:
|
||
|
|
The machine with 'Just what you wanted' will be out of order.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The Law of Machine Feeding:
|
||
|
|
The machine will malfunction and eat your money.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The Law of Mis-hits:
|
||
|
|
You will hit the wrong selection and end up with 'Turnip paste
|
||
|
|
filled wheat crackers...with nuts'.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The Fizzy Law:
|
||
|
|
You will be the first to discover the soda machine has no cups.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
McGill's Inverse Fragility Law:
|
||
|
|
The most delicate products in the machine will placed so as to fall
|
||
|
|
the furthest when selected to ensure being crushed into inedibility.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The So-Close-And-Yet-So-Far Law (3rd Law of Wanting):
|
||
|
|
The last product of 'Just what you wanted' will jam in the machine.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
---
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
MORE FROM THE AMAZING WORLD OF SPODE
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1991 21:43 HKT
|
||
|
|
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
||
|
|
Subject: Some miscellaneous jokes I was sent recently...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Comments: Originally-From:
|
||
|
|
"Pradeep Singh, 508-493-7246, DTN: 223-7246 26-Nov-1991 1332"
|
||
|
|
<singh@cpdw.enet.dec.com>
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
[forwards removed]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I heard this on _Comic Strip Live_ last night...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
So they're building this tunnel between France and England.
|
||
|
|
England drives on the left side of the road.
|
||
|
|
France drives on the right side of the road.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
That's going to be one busy lane!!!!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Hit and run means never having to say you're sorry"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
---
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings:
|
||
|
|
Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
---
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were
|
||
|
|
invented thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use
|
||
|
|
of a common computer protocol occurred in the Old Testament.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
This, of course, was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a
|
||
|
|
control-sea...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I have truncated and I can't round up!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
N O T I C E
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
If you notice this notice, you will notice after
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
noticing this notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Garrison Keillor told this on A Prairie Home Companion this past
|
||
|
|
weekend.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Jesus, Joseph and Mary were doing chores around their home in
|
||
|
|
Nazareth when suddenly Jesus ran outside to Joseph, and asked, "Did you call
|
||
|
|
me?" "No," Joseph replied, "I just hit my thumb with the hammer."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"When you're young, you ask your father all kinds of questions because
|
||
|
|
you think he has some special kind of Dad knowledge. Later you realize
|
||
|
|
that all he really knows is how to have sex with your mother."
|
||
|
|
-- Comedian Jake Johansen
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Heard on Paul Harvey News on 6/20/91:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
George Bush is jogging again. He has to. Sununu has the car.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
What do you get when you merge IBM and Apple
|
||
|
|
Blueberry Macs
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I been moved to the orchard
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
370 Desktop release 7.0
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
mass market mainframes for the rest of us
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
>From a local newspaper story:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
A riddle making the rounds in Cuba:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"What is a sardine?"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Answer: "A whale after thirty years of revolution."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
Thought for the day:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Jeff Sauder Johns Hopkins University
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Do you know what you call a beat-up Ragedy Andy doll lying face down
|
||
|
|
in a pile of rocks?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
A Dirty Cotton Rock Sucker.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
= = = = = = =
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Came up with by a group of friends at dinner recently:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
What is a politically correct term for men?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Vaginally disabled.
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
AND STILL MORE
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1991 21:55 HKT
|
||
|
|
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
||
|
|
Subject: more...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
South China Morning Post - 11 November 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Australian brothel 'to provide training'_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
CANBERRA: Australian tax authorities have told a South Australian
|
||
|
|
brothel it must provide training for employees or face taxation penalties.
|
||
|
|
The requirement, revealed yesterday by the federal opposition,
|
||
|
|
relates to a scheme which provides that employers with an annual payroll
|
||
|
|
of more than A$214,000 (HK$1.3 million) [US$167,000] must spend a
|
||
|
|
minimum of one per cent of that on training.
|
||
|
|
Opposition trade spokesman Mr. Alexander Downer said: "Naturally,
|
||
|
|
all of us are wondering what sort of training programmes the Australian
|
||
|
|
Taxation Office has in mind."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
[stuff deleted]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Prostitution is illegal in most states in Australia, including South
|
||
|
|
Australia.
|
||
|
|
-Reuter-
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
==========
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
South China Morning Post - 8 November 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_In Brief - Rabat Tragedy_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
RABAT: Ten people in Morocco were crushed to death and seven hurt
|
||
|
|
when about 2,000 families packed into a mausoleum to watch the
|
||
|
|
circumcision of their sons.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
==========
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
South China Morning Post - 21 October 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Fondler Fined_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
SINGAPORE: An Australian tourist was fined S$700 (HK$3,306) [US$424]
|
||
|
|
for touching the buttocks of a stewardess on board a Singapore Airlines
|
||
|
|
flight. Arnold Victor Crawford, 29, a welder, pleaded guilty to
|
||
|
|
outraging the modesty of the 18-year-old stewardess.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
########
|
||
|
|
Don't get me wrong. I fully approve of the fine. But does anyone else
|
||
|
|
think that "outraging the modesty" is a bit silly for a criminal/civil
|
||
|
|
offense to be called?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
==========
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
South China Morning Post - 29 October 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Safe Sex Service_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
PARIS: First pizzas, now condoms - a Paris company has started offering home
|
||
|
|
deliveries of rubber contraceptives. SOS-Preservatifs will deliver condoms
|
||
|
|
from 4 pm to 3 am.
|
||
|
|
-Agencies-
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
+++++
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Hmmm - does anyone remember Dr. Whoopee, from the Doonesbury comic strip?
|
||
|
|
-Spode
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
==========
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
South China Morning Post - 4 November 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Anger over TV's 'sex hypnotism'_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
TOKYO: A Japanese television station was flooded with calls from
|
||
|
|
angry viewers who said their daughters had fainted after being
|
||
|
|
sexually hypnotised by a late night show, the _Mainichi Daily News_
|
||
|
|
reported yesterday.
|
||
|
|
The programme featured an "adult video director" who hypnotised
|
||
|
|
nine young women by telling them to imagine their favourite sexual
|
||
|
|
positions, according to the daily.
|
||
|
|
Officials of Nippon Television Network, which broadcast the
|
||
|
|
show on Friday night, were not available for comment.
|
||
|
|
Following the show the television station's phones were jammed
|
||
|
|
with 100 calls from incensed viewers.
|
||
|
|
One man rushed to his daughter's room when he heard a noise and
|
||
|
|
found her unconscious and foaming at the mouth with her clothes in
|
||
|
|
shreds, the paper said.
|
||
|
|
"It's inexcusable to broadcast on public airways a programme
|
||
|
|
that shows obscene group hypnotism without even explaining to the
|
||
|
|
viewers the method of undoing the hypnotism," the man reportedly said.
|
||
|
|
_United Press International_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
FINAL EXIT
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: 14 Jan 92 00:13:00 EST
|
||
|
|
From: "MICHAEL S DOW" <DOW@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Subject: With a brief preface, you can chop these bits up and put them into
|
||
|
|
Purps. Frankly, they are too long to run all together, I think.
|
||
|
|
[Other two parts in a later Purps. This one is getting a tad big.]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
About two years ago, I was attempting to get submissions for a
|
||
|
|
magazine called the Owl Creek Journal on the subject of death. In attempt
|
||
|
|
to generate interest, I placed ads which read in part "Kill Your Roommate,
|
||
|
|
and then write us about it." This was, of course, a joke. Some people,
|
||
|
|
however, were offended. They contended that not only was the joke offensive
|
||
|
|
in particular because it wasn't very good (you decide for yourself) but
|
||
|
|
also in general, that jokes about death were tasteless, because death is a
|
||
|
|
very serious and traumatic subject and therefore should not be taken
|
||
|
|
lightly. My response, then as now, was: Bullshit. Death is a very grim,
|
||
|
|
serious, dare I say morbid?, subject. It is also an inevitable part of
|
||
|
|
every life. As Jim Morrisson put it, "No one here gets out alive." All
|
||
|
|
the more reason, in my opinion, to make jokes about it. I say this now,
|
||
|
|
because I'm sure that someone will be very upset by the following joke.
|
||
|
|
I'm sure that OTISians can take this in stride, but for those of you who
|
||
|
|
aren't, I'm not sorry I made these jokes and you'll just have to deal with
|
||
|
|
them.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
-Grinnin Foole
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Many of you have no doubt noticed the great commotion surrounding
|
||
|
|
the new book, FINAL EXIT, a practical guide to suicide for the terminally
|
||
|
|
ill. It has raised a storm of controversy over many legal and moral
|
||
|
|
issues. I, however, am dissatisfied with the book for an entirely
|
||
|
|
different reason; namely, it does not address the needs of the truly
|
||
|
|
desperate and hopeless, the ones who REALLY need, and are desperately look
|
||
|
|
for, a FINAL EXIT, TOO:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Imagine that are forced by a horrible disease to come out only at
|
||
|
|
night, to avoid the sun because even a few minutes exposure can kill you.
|
||
|
|
Imagine that you may even have to regularly bury yourself for your own
|
||
|
|
safety. Imagine further that this horrible illness completely destroys
|
||
|
|
your appetite, and you must get all nourishment from some rather impromptu
|
||
|
|
blood transfusions. Imagine that this disease so transforms you that you
|
||
|
|
are cut off from all friends and loved ones. Imagine, worst of all, that
|
||
|
|
even the simplest statement on your part causes others to burst into
|
||
|
|
uncontrollable laughter, because you have these damn four inch fangs which
|
||
|
|
make you sound ridiculous. Imagine, in short, that you are a vampire (or
|
||
|
|
"wehmpire" as you so amusingly put it.) A merciful chance to end it all
|
||
|
|
with a little "hooman digni-ee"(as you persist in saying it) and compassion
|
||
|
|
must seem a god-send. The practical details, however, are a bit tricky.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Practically speaking, there are three options open to you:
|
||
|
|
immolation, either in a large fire or full daylight, immersion in running
|
||
|
|
water, or staking yourself. Of these options, staking yourself is the
|
||
|
|
worst. Driving a stake through your own heart can be a very painful and
|
||
|
|
traumatic experience in its own right, and since you will only be "dead" so
|
||
|
|
long as the stake remains in place (and anyone who has seen those old
|
||
|
|
Dracula movies knows that sooner or later someone WILL remove it, if only
|
||
|
|
to get your by-then-a-valuable-antique Grateful Dead t-shirt.) Staking
|
||
|
|
yourself is too hellish an experience to want to go through more than once
|
||
|
|
(although you vampire types are supposed to be into really symbolic
|
||
|
|
sex/violence stuff like that.)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The large fire/blazing sunlight options are also worth avoiding.
|
||
|
|
Few people mention it (at least, not in polite company), but vampire bien
|
||
|
|
cuite really smells revolting. Plus, if you think staking yourself hurts,
|
||
|
|
it's nothing compared to STEAKING yourself. The best option is running
|
||
|
|
water. You just painlessly dissolve away into nothingness, rather a
|
||
|
|
similar sensation to the Roman custom of slitting one's wrists in the bath.
|
||
|
|
In fact, all you need is a good shower. Note, however, that you will leave
|
||
|
|
a distinct "ring" around the tub, so have plenty of cleanser on hand.
|
||
|
|
Also, try and melt yourself in an area with good sewage treatment plants.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
AND STILL MORE FROM THE LAND OF SPODE
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1991 22:00 HKT
|
||
|
|
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
||
|
|
Subject: last bit for the day...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Merry Christmas!:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 10 December 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Red-hooded male seeks partners for travel and fun__
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The Wan Chai office of law firm Hughes-Castell has been asked
|
||
|
|
by an anonymous North Pole businessman to do some recruitment.
|
||
|
|
The lawyers have obediently taken out the following ad in
|
||
|
|
the _Law Gazette_:
|
||
|
|
- Our Client, a larger-than-life, jolly, red-clad entrepreneur,
|
||
|
|
constantly in breach of international air space law, requires
|
||
|
|
assistants to help in the following areas:
|
||
|
|
- Insurance: A specialist is required to sort out collision
|
||
|
|
claims between Concorde and four reindeer.
|
||
|
|
- Construction: Strong negotiation skills required to effect
|
||
|
|
settlements with irate homeowners over damage to roofs and chimneys.
|
||
|
|
- Partner Designate: A fine balancing act. Requires ability to
|
||
|
|
sit at the top of the tree in an attractive tutu with a fixed smile.
|
||
|
|
- Locum Position: For holiday season only, based in Lapland.
|
||
|
|
Multi-lingual assistant to carry out a mixed bag. Must have an
|
||
|
|
affinity with children and the ability to decipher difficult
|
||
|
|
instructions.
|
||
|
|
- Finance: To negotiate terms of major new sleighport and
|
||
|
|
associated projects. Able to talk turkey. Specific experience
|
||
|
|
in grotto financing an advantage.
|
||
|
|
- Employment: To deal with unseasonable dismissals in relation
|
||
|
|
to sexual harassment under the mistletoe.
|
||
|
|
- Conveyancer: To convey glad tidings of great joy.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
*********************************************************************
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 13 December 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Santa's Clause_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Remember that joke ad featured on this page on Tuesday in which
|
||
|
|
Hongkong firm Hughes-Castell advertised for lawyers to help an
|
||
|
|
overweight "red-clad entrepreneur" over reindeer collision problems?
|
||
|
|
"Several of the quicker members of the legal community have
|
||
|
|
actually rung up to inquire about the positions," said the firm's
|
||
|
|
Pia Dolan yesterday.
|
||
|
|
"We have had to explain that we were joking."
|
||
|
|
She could not help poking fun at local legal bigwigs: "In case
|
||
|
|
the Law Society starts checking our qualifications, we are not
|
||
|
|
lawyers. We are legal recruitment consultants.
|
||
|
|
"However, I haven't checked the roll recently and we may have
|
||
|
|
been admitted accidentally."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
=================
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
=================
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
South China Morning Post - 3 December 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Santa Attacked_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
WELLINGTON: Children kicked and swore at Santa Claus when he ran out of
|
||
|
|
sweets and balloons, New Zealand's _Northern Advocate_ newspaper reported.
|
||
|
|
A red-suited Mr. John Field said some adults also became rude and
|
||
|
|
aggressive, asking: "Is this another government cut?" The Northland
|
||
|
|
region, where the incident took place, has the country's highest
|
||
|
|
unemployment rate.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
=================
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
and now - having nothing whatever to do with Christmas...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
South China Morning Post - 18 October 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Squirrel Attack_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
SACRAMENTO: A California man who hit his wife on the head with frozen
|
||
|
|
squirrels was jailed on suspicion of spousal abuse. The wife of Kao
|
||
|
|
Khae Saephan, 26, suffered a gash above her eye.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
CHUTZPAH
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
[Boy everyone is doing the NOTW bit these days. I still have some more
|
||
|
|
original NOTW bits from the Original NOTW person who hopefully by next Fall
|
||
|
|
will be back on line somewhere. It seems that many alert OTISians are
|
||
|
|
discovering the world is a truely weird place. Please keep sending these
|
||
|
|
things along. They seem to be very popular.]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Date: 16 Dec 91 00:05:00 EST
|
||
|
|
From: "ANNALISA M VANHOOK" <VANHOOK@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
||
|
|
Subject: chutzpah
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Mal-
|
||
|
|
Greetings and such. Here are some wonderful News of the Weird tidbits for you.
|
||
|
|
My source is a Knoxville (TN) 'alternative-type-underground'-arts-n-
|
||
|
|
entertainment publication. And it even comes from a section of the paper
|
||
|
|
called, brace yourself......"News of the Weird."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
In May in Jacksonville, FL, a man tried to rob Charlie's Supermarket
|
||
|
|
wearing a paper bag over his head to disguise his identity. However, the
|
||
|
|
bag shifted, moving the eye holes, and in his nervousness he told the
|
||
|
|
clerk, "Give me the register." The clerk sought clarification of the
|
||
|
|
instructions, but the robber's voice was muffled because the mouth hole had
|
||
|
|
also moved. The robber attempted to create another mouth hole, but the bag
|
||
|
|
broke. The robber was revealed to be a regular customer whom the clerk
|
||
|
|
knew as "Bob." Bob fled and has not been captured. The clerk could not be
|
||
|
|
sure whether Bob had a gun or not because Bob had a paper bag over his
|
||
|
|
hand, too.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
In June, Jim Black, 51, whose van was hit broadside by a speeding car in
|
||
|
|
Chicago and rolled over, survived the crash but found himself hanging
|
||
|
|
upside-down, suspended by his seatbelt. That's when he saw an arm reach
|
||
|
|
through the window and take his wallet.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
In January, Jack McMorrow, 47, stopped by the offices of the Barberton, OH,
|
||
|
|
police department to inquire whether there were any outstanding warrants
|
||
|
|
for his arrest. An officer ran a check, discovered two, and promptly
|
||
|
|
arrested McMorrow.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Brain Siegle, 18, shot himself in the left shoulder with a .22 caliber
|
||
|
|
pistol in Newark, OH, in July. At first he told investigating police he
|
||
|
|
was the victim of a drive-by shooting, but later admitted that he had
|
||
|
|
inflicted the gunshot wound himself because he "wanted to see how it felt."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Isn't it comforting to know that there are people incompetent enough to do
|
||
|
|
such ridiculously stoooooopid things?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
hail Otis!
|
||
|
|
hail Lotus!
|
||
|
|
hail Rotus!
|
||
|
|
hail Spode!
|
||
|
|
hail Archbishop Chad!
|
||
|
|
-St. Annalisa, Saint of Tetris
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
GOOD GRIEF STILL MORE!
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1991 22:27 HKT
|
||
|
|
From: "Spode, God/ess of Chaos!" <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
|
||
|
|
Subject: more! more! more!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
South China Morning Post - 8 October 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_In Brief_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
How to succeed in the acting business without really trying? Here's a
|
||
|
|
little tip from Sylvester Stallone: Be creative on your resume. "That's very
|
||
|
|
important; you must lie," the actor told a group of drama students at the
|
||
|
|
University of Virginia in Charlottesville.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
+++++++++++++++++++++
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Newsweek_ - 21 October 1991 - p.9
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Overheard_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"What, not more? Too Bad."
|
||
|
|
-Franz Wilhelm Schmidt of Bremerhaven, Germany, upon
|
||
|
|
being told that Hitler's concentration camps
|
||
|
|
exterminated some 500,000 Gypsies.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
+++++++++++++++++++++
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
From: Barry Gorman <GORMAN_B@UK.AC.LANCSP.P1>
|
||
|
|
Subject: Parrot story from today's paper
|
||
|
|
To: manohar kanuri <MPKANURI@SUVM.BITNET>
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The Guardian Tuesday October 1st
|
||
|
|
---------------------------
|
||
|
|
This dead parrot is difunto
|
||
|
|
---------------------------
|
||
|
|
John Hooper in Madrid
|
||
|
|
---------------------------
|
||
|
|
A question left hanging by John Cleese - what is the value of a dead
|
||
|
|
parrot? - has finally been answered by a Barcelona judge. His honour
|
||
|
|
Antonio Nun^io de la Rosa has ruled that a dead parrot is worth 150,000
|
||
|
|
pesetas (815 pounds). He was awarding damages to Maria del Carmen Dotras,
|
||
|
|
whose parrot (male, green) died, passed away, turned moribund, ceased to
|
||
|
|
exist and, in short, became defunct two years ago in the city's Vall
|
||
|
|
d'Hebron hospital.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Ms dotras, who lives with her mother, had owned the bird for 23 years,
|
||
|
|
since she was 12. Her family doctor suspected the parrot might be the cause
|
||
|
|
of an allergy her mother had developed. He wanted it to have a blood test,
|
||
|
|
and told her it would be better done by a doctor that a vet. This proved
|
||
|
|
not to be the case.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
According to Ms Dotras, the doctors virtually suffocated the bird by
|
||
|
|
putting a towel over its head, and took out six times as much blood as they
|
||
|
|
were told to. Eventually, a consultant ordered it to be put out of its
|
||
|
|
misery. Ms Dotras put the dead bird in the freezer, to facilitate an
|
||
|
|
autopsy. In fact, the deep freezing made it impossible to determine the
|
||
|
|
cause of death.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
But, as Judge Nun^io de la Rosa observed in judgement - passages which
|
||
|
|
might have come from a Monty Python script: "The parrot has deceased, and
|
||
|
|
cannot be revived." He decided the hospital authorities and the doctor
|
||
|
|
responsible should pay the sum equivalent to a new bird. He dismissed Ms
|
||
|
|
Dotras claim for damages of one million pesetas. This had been based, in
|
||
|
|
part, on the argument that her parrot could talk.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Drawing a fine distinction that will be of assistance in future, similar
|
||
|
|
cases, the judge ruled that it merely "articulated sounds similar to those
|
||
|
|
of people." If the parrot had been able to talk, he reasoned, "it would
|
||
|
|
have complained".
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
+++++++++++++++++++++
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 19 November 1991
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_Tape-maker has latest export wrapped up_
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Builders in Hongkong have ordered more than 120 kilometres of
|
||
|
|
wrapping tape from Arnhold and Co., the territory's distributor of
|
||
|
|
super-strong Denso tape.
|
||
|
|
Is it to wrap a corporate Christmas gift for us?
|
||
|
|
No. The tape will be used in Hongkong's wonderfully named Effluent
|
||
|
|
Export Scheme.
|
||
|
|
This is a welcome wheeze to send millions of gallons of Hongkong
|
||
|
|
sewage away from urban areas through a giant pipe.
|
||
|
|
The pipe will be wrapped in $1.8 million [US$231,000] worth of
|
||
|
|
UK-made Denso tape by contractors Franki Kier.
|
||
|
|
One would think that the tape would be needed to keep the noxious
|
||
|
|
substances in the pipe.
|
||
|
|
But in fact the seabed around Hongkong is so polluted that the tape
|
||
|
|
is needed to protect the pipe and its contents from "highly toxic
|
||
|
|
chemicals in the soil", according to Arnhold.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
[remainder deleted]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
+++++++++++++++++++++
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Reading for your breathing exercises? Alright, now Inhale! Gag! Inhale!
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
A RUMOR OF DEAD STATESMEN
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: Sat, 11 Jan 1992 10:53:54 EST
|
||
|
|
Reply-To: "Mass comm. and new technologies" <MASSCOMM@RPIECS.BITNET>
|
||
|
|
From: Elliott Parker <3ZLUFUR@CMUVM.CSV.CMICH.EDU>
|
||
|
|
Subject: Risk of speedy communications
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
From Risks Forum, 10 Jan 92:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Date: Fri, 10 Jan 92 9:33:56 PST
|
||
|
|
From: "Peter G. Neumann" <neumann@csl.sri.com>
|
||
|
|
Subject: CNN Nearly Reported Bush Death, due to rapidly shared computer data
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The AP reported from Atlanta 09Jan91 that CNN Headline News came within
|
||
|
|
seconds of reporting that President Bush had died at the banquet in Japan at
|
||
|
|
which he had collapsed from stomach flu on 8Jan92. A caller identifying
|
||
|
|
himself as Bush's doctor had telephoned CNN about three hours after Bush's
|
||
|
|
collapse, and said the president was dead.
|
||
|
|
CNN and Headline News are two floors apart but use the same newsroom
|
||
|
|
computer system. A staff member had typed the telephoned report into the
|
||
|
|
computer. CNN executives had determined almost immediately that the report was
|
||
|
|
a fake and pulled it from the computer file. But downstairs at Headline News,
|
||
|
|
it had already been seen on the screen and was nearly broadcast. CNN Headline
|
||
|
|
News anchorman Don Harrison started to read the report on the air at 9:45 a.m.
|
||
|
|
EST during coverage of Bush's collapse, when he was alerted in midsentence by
|
||
|
|
another staff member, said CNN spokesman Steve Haworth.
|
||
|
|
The alleged caller, James Edward Smith, 71, left his number with CNN and was
|
||
|
|
traced to Idaho, where he was arrested and later put in a mental hospital.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
[Starkly abridged by PGN]
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
STUMPY SPEAKS
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
[Yes that little mystical brown bear is still at it. She's alive and well
|
||
|
|
and still pregnant with child. Just we here at SBI have been neglecting our
|
||
|
|
duties towards here fiercely, which could explain our computer problems.]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
From: MAL@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
|
||
|
|
Date: 11 Dec 91 13:48:43 EDT
|
||
|
|
Subject: Stumpy's Xmas safety tip.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Stumpy has revealed to me today that it's VERY important to orient the star
|
||
|
|
at the top of your Christmas tree correctly. Usually the Star contains
|
||
|
|
metal which is effected by the earth's magnetic field. If this star is
|
||
|
|
oriented wrong the magnetic field will cause the tree to tip over because
|
||
|
|
of the magnetic pull.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
In order to fix this problem, you need to orient the star so the narrowest
|
||
|
|
portion of it faces toward magnetic north. Not true north, but magnetic.
|
||
|
|
You'll need a compass to do this. By facing the narrowest side not the star
|
||
|
|
will essentially become "streamlined" in the magnetic field and thus be
|
||
|
|
less likely to be influenced by it.
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
SCIENCE FACTS
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
[More stuff from an amazingly fertile mind.]
|
||
|
|
Date: Sun, 15 Dec 91 14:54:53 EST
|
||
|
|
From: eap@eta.pha.jhu.edu (Ed Pier)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Ed's Fun Science Fact #1
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Everyone has heard of the Tibetan monks who through years of practice
|
||
|
|
learn to double-stop, that is sing two notes at once, but very few have
|
||
|
|
heard of a more obscure group who achieve enlightenment by humming in a
|
||
|
|
different way. These monks live austere lives rarely moving, eating only
|
||
|
|
enough to sustain themselves and humming continuously stopping only to draw
|
||
|
|
in breath or nourishment. The purpose of this seemingly strange behavior is
|
||
|
|
to practice singing the exact resonant frequency of one's own head. Those
|
||
|
|
who have found the resonating frequency of rooms or small containers may
|
||
|
|
find it odd that these monks need to devote their lives to what seems a
|
||
|
|
simple task, however it is an exact resonance that these monks seek to
|
||
|
|
achieve, accurate to the last decimal place. This is no minor achievement.
|
||
|
|
After years of devotion, often doing without sleep for weeks at a time in
|
||
|
|
their quest for the perfect note, sometimes passing through the correct
|
||
|
|
several times before it can be sustained long enough, the moment arrives
|
||
|
|
when the resonant vibrations within a monk's head grow stronger and
|
||
|
|
stronger until at the climactic moment his head explodes and he passes into
|
||
|
|
enlightenment. People who wish to join the order are given the task of
|
||
|
|
carrying food and cleaning up.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Ed's fun Science Fact #2
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Galeleo was the first man to turn a telescope skyward and discover that the
|
||
|
|
heavens had blemishes. The Moon's face was cratered with acne, Saturn had
|
||
|
|
jug handles (later determined to be the ring which we associate the planet
|
||
|
|
with today) and the giant planet Jupiter was attended by for smaller
|
||
|
|
objects buzzing around its head (the four largest "Galelean" moons of that
|
||
|
|
planet) and there, on its face was a tiny smudge. As the science of
|
||
|
|
astronomy progressed this smudge turned out not to be tiny at all but a
|
||
|
|
swirling maelstrom large enough to swallow several earths. This permanent
|
||
|
|
weather formation quickly became known as The Great Red Spot. As the first
|
||
|
|
Voyager space-craft made its pass by Jupiter thrilling scientists with its
|
||
|
|
close-up photographs of the the angry eye of the Great Red Spot, nature
|
||
|
|
lovers in the northern parts of the United States were treated with a more
|
||
|
|
familiar beauty - that of the yearly Autumn foliage. It is strange to think
|
||
|
|
that such widely separated and wildly different phenomena could be in any
|
||
|
|
way related, but this in fact they are.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
A tree's photosynthetic factories are no longer an asset in the winter
|
||
|
|
when cold temperature would badly damage such a delicate and exposed thing
|
||
|
|
as a leaf, therefore as the cold months approach, a barrier forms across
|
||
|
|
the tiny capillaries which supply the leaves with nutrients from the roots
|
||
|
|
and the leaves slowly begin to die. First the green chlorophyll, no longer
|
||
|
|
needed, fades to reveal the yellow carotine which it has masked all summer.
|
||
|
|
Then, left on its own, chemically strange things begin to happen in the
|
||
|
|
leaf. The sugars which heretofore stored energy and nourished the cells
|
||
|
|
begin to transform into a variety of organic compounds which together form
|
||
|
|
the striking red colors typical of Acer sucrum, the sugar maple.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Now the striking fact discovered by the spectroscopes aboard the
|
||
|
|
Voyager spacecraft is that the organic pigments which make up the menacing
|
||
|
|
red of Jupiter's Great Red Spot are just the same as the ones cooked up
|
||
|
|
within our terrestrial leaves every Autumn
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Ed's fun science fact #3
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Everyone has heard that moss grows on the north side of trees.
|
||
|
|
Theoretically, this makes perfect sense, as in the northern temperate zone
|
||
|
|
the sun is always to the south, and moss would prefer the cooler, moister,
|
||
|
|
shaded, northern side of a tree to the direct sunlight on the to the south.
|
||
|
|
In reality there are many other factors, such as the shade of other nearby
|
||
|
|
trees, which make this bit of wisdom nearly useless as a direction
|
||
|
|
indicator. If Hariet Tubman and other slaves escaping to freedom before the
|
||
|
|
Civil War would surely have become hopelessly lost if they did not have
|
||
|
|
other ways to sense direction.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Most people have also heard of the protozoans which only swim to the
|
||
|
|
north. Their single cells contain minute iron filings which align the
|
||
|
|
microscopic creatures' bodies with the earth's magnetic field. A would-be
|
||
|
|
biological circus trainer could cause them to dance about a microscope
|
||
|
|
slide to his will by simply waving a magnet. The reason that these
|
||
|
|
microbial Hariet Tubman proteges have such an internal compass is that the
|
||
|
|
desire the same conditions as the fabled north-seeking moss. In the
|
||
|
|
northern hemisphere the earth's magnetic field lines slant downwards
|
||
|
|
meeting each other at the center of the earth, converging along the north
|
||
|
|
magnetic pole. It is not north that these protozoans are seeking, but the
|
||
|
|
dark comfort of muddy pond bottoms.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Even without a microscope or a mossy tree at hand many people are
|
||
|
|
quite confident of their sense of direction. Indeed when people are placed
|
||
|
|
in a featureless room, devoid of direction cues from the sun or terrain,
|
||
|
|
they are able to correctly identify which way is north a statistically
|
||
|
|
significant number of times. Startlingly it turns out that people, just
|
||
|
|
like those distant microscopic cousins, have compasses in their noses. Tiny
|
||
|
|
pieces of iron detect the earth's magnetic field and give people a vague
|
||
|
|
sense of north. As Ms. Tubman sought safety in the northern free states,
|
||
|
|
tiny protozoans seek safety in pond bottoms, both using much the same
|
||
|
|
internal mechanism.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
THE ARCHBISHOP SPEAKS
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
Date: 10 Jan 92 11:32:00 EST
|
||
|
|
From: Wombat <HILLV@vax001.kenyon.edu>
|
||
|
|
Subject: material
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Dunno what you might use this for exactly, but call it a submission. From
|
||
|
|
the arch-bishop to the wombat.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
From: VAX001::HESSOUN "Rational romantic mystic cynical idealist" 16-DEC
|
||
|
|
-1991 23:28:18.50
|
||
|
|
To: VAX001::HILLV
|
||
|
|
CC:
|
||
|
|
Subj: FRAUD?!?!?!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
When are you not on this infernal machine? Every time I log on, HILLV is on
|
||
|
|
the user list. GET A LIFE!!!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
As for this obviously herectical statement about OTIS, take it up with the
|
||
|
|
deacon of cluelessness. I mean, what do you want? OTIS Light to go with
|
||
|
|
your Catholic Light? OTIS is non-fat, low-cal, low cholesterol, low sodium,
|
||
|
|
religion at its finest. In fact, those California health nuts are jumping
|
||
|
|
all over it. Don't miss you chance to jump on the band wagon!! Join Now!!
|
||
|
|
Renew Your Vows!! It's never too late to come back!!
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
OTIS SAVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
||
|
|
(Just ask the Pope, Jeffe I)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Incidentally, we're thinking of throwing that expatriate Pope a party for
|
||
|
|
his birthday, towards the beginning of that second month of the year.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Bless you my child. [that'll be $19.95 at the window for your official
|
||
|
|
archbishop's blessing. thank you, and stop by again sometime. Thank you for
|
||
|
|
your support, or lack thereof.]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
-cHAD
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
JIGSAW NIGHT PART III
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
[Don't worry. This *is* part III. It's got the work Jigsaw in the title
|
||
|
|
after all.]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
FROM: Pope Jephe I
|
||
|
|
Jigsaw in the Night, Part 3
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The four watched in silence as the corpse tumbled out of the third story
|
||
|
|
window to land with a dull crunch in the dust. The action was followed by a
|
||
|
|
flurry of automatic fire, nowhere near where they had bedded themselves
|
||
|
|
down.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"WARNING," called a voice in loud, clear, unpunctuated English a few
|
||
|
|
moments later.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"It's not," said Keith Baxter to the solider beside him, " really Company
|
||
|
|
policy to get involved in disputes of this sort."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
It was like that awful joke: what's black and white and red all over...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"You're more than welcome to watch from a safe distance. Just please wait
|
||
|
|
with us until reinforcements arrive."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Another solider who had been talking into a handheld radio put it down and
|
||
|
|
said something in Hebrew.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
A newspaper? No, a nun falling down the stairs.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Make that wait here. Intifada riots in the city, we've been told to solve
|
||
|
|
this on our own." A curt response in Hebrew.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Or a monk in a monastery somewhere in what used to be Palestine, shot in
|
||
|
|
the head by someone who still considered himself a Palestinian because his
|
||
|
|
brothers decided to harboring an Israeli solider wounded in a local fight,
|
||
|
|
and, less forgivable, consciously denying aid to a Palestinian civilian.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
So here he sat, did Baxter, an Agency field operative ("join the CIA and
|
||
|
|
travel to distant and dreary hellholes of the universe, meet sick twisted
|
||
|
|
angry sons of bitches and die or kill for them before they kill you,
|
||
|
|
depending on fluctuating US policy"), in the middle of the West Bank, with
|
||
|
|
two IDF soldiers (one Jewish, one Druze), someone who he assumed was
|
||
|
|
Mossad, and someone else he didn't' particularly want to know who was He
|
||
|
|
had (hadn't you. Baxter ol' boy?) been swapping intelligence techniques in
|
||
|
|
a demented sort of "classroom laboratory", until, that is they'd run in to
|
||
|
|
this little pickle. A fine mess, indeed, though Baxter, but why then, oh
|
||
|
|
Baxter are you smiling.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"You didn't," said Keith Baxter, "let me finish. Look there are four of us
|
||
|
|
here, and as far as we can guess, only three in there. Heavily armed, I'll
|
||
|
|
grant you, but probably acting on their own, hardly organized PLO material
|
||
|
|
they or following organized PLO policy... In short, gentlemen. we have a
|
||
|
|
chance. Come at them three in the front (spread out a little), and one from
|
||
|
|
the back (me), as the front three draw fire. With any luck, I'll be able to
|
||
|
|
bump 'em off. If not, I'll smoke 'em out. Gentlemen, I see a promotion in
|
||
|
|
this for all of us. Sound good?"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Then cover me," said Keith Baxter and was on the move almost before the
|
||
|
|
bullets started.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
First floor, underwear, socks, garters, women's undergarments, unprepared
|
||
|
|
weenie keeping the rear guarded. Guarding the rear, good idea, putting
|
||
|
|
someone competent here, would have been a better idea. Definitely not
|
||
|
|
professionals. Now the where'd I put that knife?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Second floor, sporting goods, dying monk (tried to garrote the invaders
|
||
|
|
with his thrice knitted belt, perhaps), leatherware, and...noo badies.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
A close report, and something whizzed by Baxter's ear. Baxter dropped and
|
||
|
|
rolled and got off a good shot up the stairs and through the open door.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Correction: One baddie, almost one lucky baddie. And now they know I'm
|
||
|
|
coming. Baxter leapt up the stairs. Third floor (smoke grenade, hit the
|
||
|
|
ground), raincoats, household appliance, angry, tearful Palestinian (mark
|
||
|
|
where he is, look like they hit this one in the arm, doge his fire),
|
||
|
|
several hostage monks reconsiderer the Palestinian problem, can you really
|
||
|
|
expect people to be nice when you take away their country (fire, fire,
|
||
|
|
fire, at what we hope is still a gunman and not a monk)? Missed.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Not so fast, you are Baxter's promotion, Bozo, his key to a desk job, his
|
||
|
|
gold star. Oooph! Fists, huh? Why not give up? You're beat. Ooph. James
|
||
|
|
makes this look so easy in the films. All right, no more mister nice CIA
|
||
|
|
operative. One: that $1.99 bandanna is obviously shielding you from the
|
||
|
|
teargas almost as well as my IDF issue mask. It goes. Success! Two: I don't
|
||
|
|
like fighting on equal term, but (ooph! less cockiness, Baxter, more
|
||
|
|
action)... Crack! Well, to hell with it, there goes one of your ribs.
|
||
|
|
Three: Ah. No need for steps three and four.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Jesus, thinks an exhausted Baxter smiling through the yellow fog at
|
||
|
|
teary-eyed Monks, I had better get my damn promotion.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
MORE WEIRD NEWS
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
[Note: these were submitted to us by mail. These are taking out of a
|
||
|
|
regular old newspaper. Alert OTIS Shark has been prowling the papers
|
||
|
|
looking for neat stuff for us.]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
From: Shark@csd4.csd.uwm.edu
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Death Ruled accident
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Bakersfield, Calif. --AP-- the death of a tourist crushed by a windblown
|
||
|
|
umbrella from a display set up by artist Christo was formally ruled an
|
||
|
|
accident by the Kern Country coroner's office. Lorie Keevil-Mathews, 33,
|
||
|
|
was killed when wind uprooted a 20-foot umbrella in Tejon Pass, where the
|
||
|
|
Bulgarian artist Christo had unfurled 1,760 yellow umbrellas.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Charges dropped in case of missing videotape
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
----
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Reno, Nev. --AP-- Charges were dropped against a woman arrested for
|
||
|
|
allegedly failing to return a rented movie videotape.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"I didn't want to go this far with this, but I as prepared to go to trial,
|
||
|
|
" Noelle Lester said tuesday. "I had witnesses lined up.'
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Lest was arrested after a deputy pulled her over for a burned-out
|
||
|
|
headlight. A check revealed an outstanding warrant for failing to return a
|
||
|
|
video tape rented two years ago.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"I had to lave my children on the side of the road with a sheriff's deputy
|
||
|
|
while the other one took me to jail. That hurt," she said.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
She said the was never told about the arrest, and insisted that she had
|
||
|
|
rented the tape.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Lest was notified Tuesday by the District Attorney's Office that the charges
|
||
|
|
had been dropped.
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
|
||
|
|
####===================================================================####
|
||
|
|
|