informis
/
textfiles
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity
textfiles/magazines/NUTWORKS/nw001002.txt

820 lines
33 KiB
Plaintext
Raw Permalink Normal View History

Initial commit
2021-04-15 11:31:59 -07:00
***********************************************************************
***********************************************************************
*** ***
*** NutWorks ***
*** ---------- ***
*** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those ***
*** Who Think Reality is Something to be Avoided ***
*** ***
*** ================ ***
*** ***
*** ***
*** February, 1985. Issue #2, Volume I. NutWorks is distributed ***
*** monthly. Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE) virtual Editor and ***
*** Publisher. ***
*** ***
***********************************************************************
***********************************************************************
Insanity, Fatigue, Divine Inspiration, and the
Forced Removal of One's Own Hair
--------------------------------------------------
On the whole, things are going nicely. This is the second issue
of NutWorks, the magazine that has been hailed as the greatest
thing since the invention of rope, and it too is doing quite well.
The subscription list numbers 58 at present and, thanks to the many
wonders of modern technology, it can safely be said that the sun
never sets on the readers of NutWorks. Yes, friends, we're now an
institution, which is quite suitable considering that an institution
is precisely where many of us should indeed by placed.
It's a small wonder that NutWorks has been selected by leading
social scientists as "the one entity that will likely represent
the most significant output of mankind during his Earthly
History".
There are times, however, when the whole thing becomes just a
tad tedious. Between constantly updating the mailing list, writing
English papers, transforming the unending monotonous drollery of my
COS220 professor into a working Pascal program, occasionally going
to class, and working twelve hours a week, all the while bumming food
off of my friends and trying to have sex with this girl I know, I am
quickly going out of my mind, and for some reason I find myself
watching shows like "Three's Company" a lot.
Well, such is life. But I'm sure you'll understand why this issue
is made up almost entirely of other people's work.
Thanks (and big ones) to Jim (xxxxxx@xxxxx), Reed (xxxxxx@xxxxx),
Roman (xxxxxx@xxxxx), Marissa (xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx), Gary
(xxxxxxxx@xxxxx), and Todd (xxxxxxx@xxxxx).
BB
===============
Editor's Note: Being an op, I can relate to this.
Send contributions for the following column to
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The following article is written in honor of all Operators and
Consultants who have to deal with unusual questions from, to say the
least, unusual people, each day they go to work!
I have received Lots of help and lots of people deserve credit.
The most important person for this first column is Larry Ruch
(ROOKIE AT UIUCVMD). He sent me a file containing this type of
"humor" and I want to share it with you.
Transcribed from the Operators Logbook:
(or, Sad But True Stories!)
QUESTION OF THE MORING : Is there a computer in here??
You got it another 100 student! What will they teach
them next!
WHOSE TO BLAME? QUESTION: "My job was deleted by
"HASP", Where is HASP? Apparently she wanted to ask
HASP why he deleted her job.
U KNOW WHO YOU ARE! QUESTION: a program for CS105 printed
"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" where my output should have printed; Should
I just run it again?? ANSWER : Sure if you want!
QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: What does JOB TIME EXCEEDED mean?
RUNNER UP: What's a SUBROUTINE? (hell it is only the 11th
week of classes. Why should anyone know what a subroutine is?)
DUMBEST QUESTION OF THE NIGHT: My job hasn't come out yet. It
has been a long time. Could you find it? (on the surface this
isn't very humorous or dumb but the astute oparator (that's me)
checked on her job ("SAMPLE" -- catchy name, huh?). And it wasn't
found in the system. Turning around I found that the mysteriously
missing output had been sitting on the printer for "a long time".
She was in 105. Maybe she will be a great future buisness leader!
I am worried about our economy now....
USER'S FAVORITE COMMAND: Come fix the printer! It's not printing
my job. The person before me got his, but mines not coming out.
I wish I had a dime for everytime I heard something like that...
If I did I would probably be rich and not have to work here for a
LONG LONG time!
WHAT ARE THEY FOR THEN: Get ready for this one --- Someone tried to
run a rubberband through the card reader -- obviously skipping for
Job card, but an engineer had to come out and operate. Don't they
teach students to take the rubber band off first?
ONE FOR THE ROAD: It was 11:45 and closing time at 12 and a
bright CS105 student came up and asked why his program wasn't
working? the error was "FORMAT ERROR ON CONTROL CARD: INVALID
CHARACTERS IN FIELD". He was just trying to do like his TA said
He documented each of his data cards, on each card after the data
was written :
DATA CARD 1
DATA CARD 2
.
.
.
*SIGH*
Author's Comments:
Well that ends my first column. It's rather short, but
it will get longer. I also want to thank people from UCF1VM for
thier input. Suggestions from anyone and everyone will be welcome.
It is nice to know that users accross the country do dumb things too.
================
Big-time Philosophical Theory Provided as a Treat for Thinkers:
"Time exists so that everything doesn't happen at once."
--John Parthum,
A Deep User.
================
A Joke
(and a distastefull one at that)
-----------------------------------------
There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom
night and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl
approaches her brother and says "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"
He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"
"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"
"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"
"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"
"You know I don't have a date, Sis."
"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"
Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."
The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his
sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening,
he will take her to the prom.
Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date,
so the the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom
on Friday.
At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad
that his sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's
standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.
"Hey, brother, let's dance."
He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis,
this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own
sister at the prom, okay?"
"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why
can't you dance with your sister?"
"Oh . . . all right."
So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after
a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.
In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at
him and says, "Let's not go straight home."
He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"
"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."
He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country,
she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place to park?"
"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going
parking with you!"
"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere
and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how
long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"
So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a
secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks
over at him again.
"Hey . . . " she says.
"What?"
"Why don't you kiss me?"
"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm
not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the
ignition switch to start the car.
She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've
mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love
each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed
him on the cheek and he
kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his
ear, "Come on. Let's do it."
"Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his
sister had in mind.
"You know what," his sister replied.
"I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off.
While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot
lighter than Dad."
"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."
(I warned you. heh heh)
=================
Received: from xxxxxx by xxxxx id xxxx; xxx, xx xxx xx xx:xx:xx xxx
Date: xxx, xx xxx xx xx:xx xxx
From: xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx
Subject: letter to the editor
To: BRENT@MAINE
dear editor:
i have just finished reading ISSU#1, Vol 1 (what's the
difference?) of the newest, nuttiest, virtual magazine 2 hit the
readers, NUTWORKS, & i readily admit 2 issuing a few guffaws & chortles
(yes, karl, i stole it) tho i must confess that the "documentation
sex quiz" did raise my eyebrows 2 the point where they nearly flew
off my face. i think the title NUTWORKS is grate but, guys, change the
spelling--it pains me 2 type KS where an X will adequately impart
the necessary fonix 2 achieve the proper sound...& here is
my written permisssion allowing u 2 usurp my shorthand...speaking of my
shorthand, can i lodge a few complaints here??? c'mon, all u
copyrite in-fringers--gimme a brake!! u all agree 2 pay the royalties
i demand but have i yet seen a virtual red cent in my rdr??? u guilty
CHATters no who i mean!!
& while i m speaking of CHAT, all u nukers or bombers (or
whatever the appropriate lingo mite b 2 describe u) gimme a brake!!!
i travel@300 baud!
those things piss me off & lotsa u out there can attest 2 that (heheh).
have some consideration folx! almost as bad as those r CHATters who
start yawn-ing & snoring on the channel!!! that's insulting & u can
more easily relieve your bordom by typing CHAT /change et al.
now that CHAT has resumed it's regular (as opposed 2 irregular)
schedule, u mite want 2 try some other chatting facilities.
billy@bmacadm, run by cuny, is open 24 hours a day (when & if cuny
is running). FORUM (also sponsored by cuny types & written by quite a
talented cuny type who wood probably nolog my id if i revealed his)
is now available. 4um (typical of me) is faster than any other
system i have been on but is unreleased & still in test stages
(at this writing) & u should b wary of hidden commands within
the exec such as ERASE * * (only kidding, steve). but not 2 worry
anway--there is always vmbackup....unless, of course, u r at a
certain node best left unmentioned....
anyway, editor, keep up the good work. u will shirley hear from me
again but not if u insist on calling me shirley!!! looking 4ward
2 the next exciting issu, regards,
marissa something
many ids @ cunyvm
Note: The preceding letter was placed here because it is hilarious.
It should be pointed out, however, that NutWorks is spelled
the way it is--including the capital 'W'--for reasons that
are much to complex and euphoric to right now relate.
====================
Editor's Note: The statements in the following ad parody
do not neccesarily reflect the views of the
NutWorks staff. Uh...yeah.
Hi there, this is Jimmy the Grope of the IRS. I am the president of
of the local chapter of the IRSG (Internal Relaxation Service Group)
Now, I am here to introduce to you the fastest growing way of enjoy-
ing yourself, along with others. We here at IRSG think that the
weekend is by far the best time to relax. Everyine needs relaxation.
YOU need relaxation. C'mon! Live it up! PARTY!! Forget the homework
and the lectures. Relax your Brain. Give it a break! Just think of
your brain as being like a small computer system...and Boot it!!
Now, the IRSG can help you get started on your R and R ABSOLUTELY
FREE!!! That's right I said FREE!!! And believe me, we're just
aching to help out. I know your saying to yourself, "But Jimmy, how
can you help me have a good time?" Well let me assure you that with
the stuff I've got, you'll never ask that question again. All you'll
want to know is where you can get more!
Because we do away with the middle-man, we are prepared to offer
you our relaxation starter kit and all you have to do to receive
it is dial our toll-free number, 1-800-GET-HIGH. Believe me, you
won't be sorry. Hey! You can trust Uncle Jimmy! Just tell me your
name, address, phone number, and the names of your loved ones
and I'll send you your very own relaxation starter kit containing
all sorts of magical things! We can't say just what those things
are in this add, but let me tell you, you won't be sorry!
AND, if you decide to join our nationwide club before HIGH
noon, we'll send you an extra suprise package! This special
gift has a street value of over 50 dollars. Yours just for joining
our HIGHly acclaimed club. You'll truly enjoy this wonderfull
suprise, you have my word as a salesman. But if you don't enjoy your
membership in our club, you can decline your enrollment, and keep the
extra suprise as a gift.
"How can I do it?" you ask? Well, certain South American individuals
would have old Jimmy's head if he told you. But I will say that
you're the one who's getting the deal here!!
So act now! Give me a call. And help yourself to my generosity...
....for life.
Operators are now waiting to take your call. Just dail 1-800-GET-HIGH
that's 1-800-GET-HIGH, and relax.
====================
| The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on
| July 26, 1977, are actual statements from insurance
| forms where car drivers tried to summarize accident
| details in as few words as possible. Such instances
| of faulty writing serve to confirm that incompetency
| can be highly entertaining.
|
| ----------------------------------------------------
|
|
| 1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and
| collided with a tree I don't have.
|
| 2. The other car collided with mine without giving
| warning of its intent.
|
| 3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the
| other way.
|
| 4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a
| telephone pole.
|
| 5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was
| on my way home. As I reached an intersection,
| a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I
| did not see the other car.
|
| 6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell
| asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
|
| 7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end
| trouble when my universal joint gave way
| causing me to have an accident.
|
| 8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the
| other vehicle.
|
| 9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly
| appeared in a place where no sign had ever
| appeared before, I was unable to stop in time
| to avoid the accident.
|
| 10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon
| removing my hair, I found that I had a
| fractured skull.
|
| 11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it
| to the other side of the road when I struck
| him.
|
| 12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as
| he bounced off the hood of my car.
|
| 13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little
| guy in a small car with a big mouth.
|
| 14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road,
| and was later found in a ditch by some stray
| cows.
|
| 15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
|
| 16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it
| was up when I put my head through it.
|
| 17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front,
| I struck the pedestrian.
|
| 18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a
| number of times before I hit him.
(Number 18 gets my vote -- BB)
|
| 19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so
| I ran over him.
|
| 20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my
| car and vanished.
|
| 21. A truck backed through my windshield into my
| wife's face.
|
| 22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced
| at my mother-in-law, and headed over the
| embankment.
|
====================
The following is a copy of some correspondance which took place between
one of our editors and a Mr. Lewis Carroll:
Dear Mr. Carroll,
The publisher has referred to me your latest work, a poem
called "Jabberwocky," for editing. "Jabberwocky" seems rife
with misspellings and typos; I assumed that these were
unintentional and the fault of your typist.
Fortunately, we have recently purchased PROFS (Professional
Office Systems), a new IBM package that includes a
sophisticated proofreader and spelling checker. This
program is able to guess quite accurately as to what the
misspelled word may actually be. PROFS also offers synonyms
and alternatives for words, and it can note redundant,
awkward or wordy phrases.
I have run "Jabberwocky" through this program. Granted,
your obvious intent is to produce a work of fantasy, so I've
taken some of your proper nouns to be creations of your
imagination.
Certain words, however, weren't clear. For example, the
first line of your original text read: "Twas brillig, and
the slithy toves." The only words recognized by the PROFS
proofreader were "and the."
When I hit a key marked "aid," I get a list of what PROFS
construes to be possible spellings of a flagged word. With
"slithy," PROFS came up with slithery, slimy, slither,
slimly, silty, slinky, and slight. Your typist must have
inadvertently dropped the "er" from "slithery" and come up
with the nonsense "slithy." Of course, I fixed the word to
say "slithery."
And so it goes. I continued to make repairs as I deemed
fit. But Mr. Carroll, the mistakes were not always clear.
For example, in the first verse your text read: "All mimsy
were the borogoves." The computer thought that you had
meant to say: "All misty were the bongoes," but bongoes is
a far shot from borogoves. What did you mean by borogoves?
In the second verse, you warn to "shun the frumious
Bandersnatch!" "Frumious" is obviously a misspelling of
"furious"; however, I have no idea as to just what a
Bandersnatch might be. Our computer has suggested
"Ballerinas," but I suspect that you had something better in
mind.
Mr. Carroll, I've edited many fantasies, so I must warn you
that I am familiar with all forms of sword, be they elfish,
dwarfish or otherwise. I have already heard of the "vorpal
sword" you mentioned in verse three. It seems to have
gained popularity among role-playing game enthusiasts,(1)
but I'm not sure its reference is appropriate here. The
computer certainly doesn't have "vorpal" in its memory, so
I'm not sure that the public would appreciate your using the
word. I have let the computer substitute "verbal" for
"vorpal," and I believe that you will find the result has a
nice ring to it.
Some of the other gems that your secretary came up with
include an "uffish" thought, "whiffling" when you certainly
meant "waffling," and some sort of wood. She called it a
"tulgey wood." Again the computer came through: Did you
mean "turkey wood?" Admittedly, the computer had quite a
time with "turkey wood"; it insisted that it should have
been "turkey would." But that would have been nonsense. A
good editor shouldn't be afraid to override a computer.
When I first saw the word "chortled" I was sure that you had
made it up!(2) The computer didn't flag it as being
misspelled, but it couldn't offer any synonyms for it
either. On looking it up, I was amused to discover that it
was meant to be a cross between a chuckle and a snort. How
clever of you to find it!
Well, enough criticism. I'm sure your poem is salvageable.
It's a pity, though, that even "cleaned up" this poem would
be far too difficult for children to read. One function of
the PROFS proofreader is to check the comprehension level of
a word. I'm afraid that some of the words you use are level
16, i.e., a person would have to be a graduate student or
better to understand the word. That's too bad, because
there's quite a market for children's verse.
Anyway, I've underlined the unrecognizable words in your
original and I'm returning it to you. I've also enclosed
the result of my collaboration with the computer; I believe
that you will find the corrected version to be pleasing,
understandable and in keeping with your reputation. Let me
know what you think. I hope you understand that there are
few publishers out there who care to take the time to work
with promising authors.
Yours truly,
xxxxx xxxxxx
--------------------
(1) To "Dungeons and Dragons" players, a "vorpal sword" has
the power to sever limbs when the player rolls 18 or higher.
The word is a Carroll creation.
(2) "Chortle," a word coined by Carroll, has worked its way
into standard dictionaries.
JABBERWOCKY
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
----- ------- ------ -----
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
---- ------ ----
All mimsy were the borogoves,
----- ---------
And the mome raths outgrabe.
---- ----- --------
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
----------
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
------
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
-------- ------------
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
------
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
-------
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
------
And stood awhile in thought
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
------
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
----------
Came wiffling through the tulgey wood,
-------- ------
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
------
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
----------
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
----
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
-------
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
-------- ------- ------
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
----- ------- ------ -----
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
---- ------ ----
All mimsy were the borogoves,
----- ---------
And the mome raths outgrabe.
---- ----- --------
JABBERWHACKY
'Twas broiling, and the slithery toes
Did gore and gimlet in the wave:
All misty were the bongoes,
And the mole rats outraged.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The furious Ballerinas!"
He took his verbal sword in hand:
Long time the meantime foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought
And, as in iffiest thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came waffling through the turkey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The verbal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galloping back.
"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beaming boy!
O fabulous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.
'Twas broiling, and the slithery toes
Did gore and gimlet in the wave:
All misty were the bongoes,
And the mole rats outraged.
====================
ZEN AND THE ART OF SOFTWARE DOCUMENTATION
(Translated from the P'-u-t'ung hua dialect by W.C.Carlson)
Editor's Note: The following are excerpts from the only known
treatise on Zen Software Documentation. Called "H'ring-chu-tsu", which
literally translates to "Ink of Several Insignificant Matters", this
treatise was written in 12th Century Japan by the scholarly monk
E'm-ie-T'. That it discusses Software documentation -- predating the
advent of software by 850 years -- is but another of the mysteries of
those who walk the true path.
This article should be read twice.
On Preparing to Write of Software
To prepare for the writing of Software, the writer must first
become one with it, sometimes two. Software is untasteable, opalescent,
transparent; the user sees not the software, so the writer must see
through it. Spend long, quiet mornings in meditation. Do not sharpen
the mind, but rather blunt it by doing Zen crosswords.
(Ed. note: Zen crosswords are done by consulting only the "Down" clues;
and always in the mind, never on paper.)
The mind should be rooted but flexible, as a long stemmed flower
faces the Sun yet bends with the Wind. Think not of compound adjectives
because they tend to wire the mind in two directions. Rather, consider
the snowflake, which radiates in beauty in any and all directions.
Partake of strong drink.
Do not study the Software; let it study you. Allow the Software
admission to your mind, but keep in the cheap seats. Let it flow around
you at its own pace. Do not disturb or dismay it, but keep it from your
private parts because it tends to coalesce there.
When the Software is with you, you will know it. It will lead your
mind where it should be, and prepare you for the narcolepsy that is cert
ain to follow. You will know when the Software is with you, and so will
others. You will smile with an inner smile. Typewriters will frighten
you. You will fall down a lot.
The first exercise in writing Software documentation is the Haiku.
Haiku are 17 syllable poem forms in which many ideas of a single concept
are reduced -- nay, distilled -- into a short, impressionistic poem.
For example, the Haiku for preparing to write of Software goes:
Emptiness on paper;
Fleeting thought.
Red Sox play at Fenway's
Green Park.
By concentrating on the Softwares form and function in a concise,
subliminal, truly meaningless Haiku verse, you have transcended the
Software, and you can then write the true manual.
The following Haiku is from a Zen manual on Data Transmission:
How swiftly whirls the disk;
Data leaps to the floating head
And is known.
And this is on Hardware Maintenance:
The smell of hot P.C. card,
Blank screen, no bell,
New parts will be needed.
And another Haiku, this one on Debugging:
All the lights are frozen;
The cursor blinks blandly.
Soon, I shall see the dump.
Let the Haikku thoughts free your mind from your fingers. Your fingers
will write what must be written. Soon you will be in Doc. Prep.
On the Review Cycle
This is the murkiest path. Storms gather and disperse around you
many directions, none of which are in English. The path becomes unclear
as many an idea compete for attention. Some of them are fatal.
But the writer of Zen Software documentation fears not the
turbulence of review cycles. Let it storm around you and be dry, warm,
and safe in the knowledge that you have written the pure manual.
Anyway, you know the printer. You shall in the end have it your way.
Editor's Note: If you enjoyed this article, you may not wish to
read the following one.
====================
Editor's Note: This article is written in UPPER case so that it
will not be taken lightly.
REAL PROGRAMMERS DON'T EAT QUICHE
---------------------------------
RP DON'T EAT QUICHE. IN FACT, RP DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL QUICHE.
THEY EAT TWINKIES AND SZECHWAN FOOD.
REAL PROGRAMMERS (RP) DON'T WRITE SPECS -- USERS SHOULD CONSIDER
THEMSELVES LUCKY TO GET ANY PROGRAMS AT ALL AND TAKE WHAT THEY GET.
RP DON'T COMMENT THEIR CODE. IF IT IS HARD TO WRITE, IT SHOULD BE HARD
TO UNDERSTAND.
RP DON'T WRITE APPLICATIONS PROGRAMS; THEY PROGRAM RIGHT DOWN TO THE
BARE METAL. APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMING IS FOR DWEEBS WHO CAN'T DO
SYSTEMS PROGRAMMING.
RP DON'T WRITE IN COBOL. COBOL IS FOR WIMPY APPLICATIONS PROGRAMMERS.
RP' PROGRAMS NEVER WORK RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. BUT IF YOU THROW THEM ON
THE MACHINE THEY CAN BE PATCHED INTO WORKING IN "ONLY A FEW" 30-HOUR
DEBUGGING SESSIONS.
RP DON'T WRITE IN FORTRAN. FORTRAN IS FOR PIPE-STRESS FREAKS AND
CRYSTALLOGRAPHY WEENIES.
RP NEVER WORK 9-5. IF ANY RP ARE EVEN AROUND AT 9AM, THEY WERE UP
ALL NIGHT.
RP NEVER WRITE IN BASIC. ACTUALLY, NO PROGRAMMERS EVER WRITE IN BASIC
AFTER THE AGE OF 12.
RP DON'T WRITE IN PL/1. PL/1 IS FOR PROGRAMMERS THAT CAN'T DECIDE
BETWEEN COBOL AND FORTRAN.
RP DON'T PLAY TENNIS, OR ANY OTHER SPORT THAT REQUIRES YOU TO CHANGE
CLOTHES. MOUNTAIN CLIMBING IS OK, AND RP WEAR THEIR CLIMBING BOOTS
TO WORK IN CASE A MOUNTAIN SUDDENLY SPRINGS UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
MACHINE ROOM.
RP DON'T WRITE IN PASCAL, OR BLISS, OR ADA, OR ANY OF THOSE PINKO
COMPUTER SCIENCE LANGUAGES. STRONGB TYPING IS FOR PEOPLE WITH WEAK
MINDS.
RP DON'T DOCUMENT. DOCUMENTATION IS FOR SIMPS WHO CAN'T READ THE
LISTINGS OR THE OBJECT DECK.
=====================
SpecialFeatureSpecialFeatureSpecialFeatureSpecialFeatureSpecialFeature
Valentine's Day Personals !!!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Snugglebuns,
Please believe me when I say that I didn't mean anything
by it when I ate your cat. Honestly, I meant well. Love, Mingo.
Jerry,
Happy Val's Day and good luck with your operation. Can't wait to
start calling you Geraldine!! Kisses, LuvyDuvy.
To the Gentleman I met at the ACM Party:
I don't know if you recall having a rather interesting I/O
(mostly "I", hee hee) session with me the other night, but I must
tell you that your interface control was the longest and most
exhilarating I've been lucky enough to peruse in a long time.
I hope you enjoyed "DEBUG." Call me sometime, Shnookums.
Sandy,
I love the gorilla suit. But next time, remember to bring
the clothespins ok? Later, Spiff.
L F.
If only you understood how utterly deep my feelings are for you...
I'm confident that you'll soon take a long look at the situation,
and realize what a fool you've been by keeping me in the shadows
for so very long. When you are prepared to return the love that I
have to offer you, please tell me. Until then, I promise to
cut one of my body-parts off each day as a sign of my love for you.
I love you, CJ.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *