506 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
506 lines
23 KiB
Plaintext
|
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>
|
|||
|
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> [MiLK]
|
|||
|
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> BIG Issue 3
|
|||
|
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
<20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
<20><> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
- <20> -<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
CoN TeNTz:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Viral Impact (Act I) ......................................Nyarlathotep
|
|||
|
Little Lessons.............................................James Hetfield
|
|||
|
MiLK's Guide to Pissing in the Wilderness..................Winter Solstice
|
|||
|
Fortunes...................................................James Hetfield
|
|||
|
Golden Screw...............................................Nyarlathotep
|
|||
|
B T T S....................................................whoops
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
- <20> -<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Viral Impact
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
ACT I
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Scene i
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Setting: [MiLK] World Headqaurters, The Obloid Sphere BBS. Small
|
|||
|
room lit by candles. Seated at a table is James Hetfield
|
|||
|
and Nyarlathotep. James is looking over a piece of mail.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
James: I found this in my mail-box Nyar, and Im not so sure what
|
|||
|
it means, but the future of [MiLK], and the Obloid Sphere might
|
|||
|
be at stake here.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyarlathotep: The Sphere just came back up an its in trouble already?
|
|||
|
Argh! I thought I was gonna be able to rest for a while.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
James: Here. Lemme read this to you.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
From: MaSTeR HaCK MaSTeR (redundant eh?)
|
|||
|
To: James Hetfeild
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Jamesy, my dear friend. As you are reading this note, a
|
|||
|
virus is entering your system. From there it will spread
|
|||
|
onto the computers of all your users, and from there it
|
|||
|
will balloon outwards, to take over the world. There is
|
|||
|
nothing you or anyone else can do to stop it,
|
|||
|
I'm afraid. Well, thats not quite right. You can put end to
|
|||
|
the destruction, James. Hand over control of the Obloid
|
|||
|
Sphere, and [MiLK] and I will release the antidote. You
|
|||
|
have 48 hours to reply, or else the virus will become
|
|||
|
active.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
MaSTeR HaCK MaSTeR
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: Maybe he's just bluffing?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
James: Could be, but I don't think so. I think I've heard of this guy
|
|||
|
before. He's big, he's been taking over systems across the
|
|||
|
country, turning them into WaReZ fortresses, and using their
|
|||
|
publications for his own 3L1T3 purposes.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: Well.. I don't think we can take that, do you? I think we should
|
|||
|
general [MiLK] meeting, see if we can solve this problem the old
|
|||
|
fashioned way.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
James: Which way is that?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: I dunno, but it certainly won't be giving into some twit with a
|
|||
|
cheesy handle like that.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
James: Yeah, You're right. Time to light up the milk signal. And also
|
|||
|
time for Grandma!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
<exeunt>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Scene ii
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Setting: [MiLK] General Meeting room. James in Grandma guise is sitting
|
|||
|
at the head of the table. Nyar is at his left. Yohan Bawk is
|
|||
|
also in the room. He is reading a book on chaos theory.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Grandma: Well boys, if the rest of them aren't here in 10 minutes, we're
|
|||
|
gonna have to start without them. And Yohan! Why do you always
|
|||
|
gotta bring those books to these meetings?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Yohan Bawk: Well... ya see... I think that chaos theory might be the
|
|||
|
be the answer to our problems!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: Heh... you always think that. <picks up machete and starts to
|
|||
|
sharpen it> Sometimes brains triumph, but sometimes, you gotta
|
|||
|
know when you gotta get rough.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Grandma: Nyar.. this isn't lampreys we're dealing with.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: You never know. He might be allied with the foul beasts. For all
|
|||
|
we know he could be one. In that case... NO MERCY!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
G: Calm down... <connect tone> Lets see who it is.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
<enter Epic and Natureboy>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Epic and Naturboy: Werd!!!!!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
G: Lo guys. We have serious buisness on our hands. We have no time for
|
|||
|
that!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Epic: Can't tang help us?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
G: Don't think so.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
E: Paperclips???
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
G: Perhaps.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Natureboy: I think I saw Whoops coming. And IceMECH told me to tell you
|
|||
|
that he can't make it.. IceQueen ya know.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: Oh well.. well have to work this out without him.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
<enter Whoops>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Whoops: Wheww... go here as fast as I could. I had to run away from
|
|||
|
Sport Marty.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar, Grandma, Epic and Natureboy: Hello Whoops.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Whoops: So whats the deal?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: We have an emergency situation here. Read this. <hand her the
|
|||
|
note>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
W: Oh boy. Piddles, this is not spiffydoodlefigish... what are we gonna
|
|||
|
do?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
G: Not cave in to his demands if at all possible.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
<enter Black Justice>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BJ: I can't stay guys! I'm sorry, but they're after me!! I can't lead
|
|||
|
them here!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: Who!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BJ: Them <exit>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Grandma: What the fuck was that about? Oh well.. we're mostly here, so
|
|||
|
well have to deal with this as best as possible. Maybe Psychotic
|
|||
|
Am bition will show up in a little while. I think I have
|
|||
|
an Idea or two... but first lemme here what suggestions
|
|||
|
you
|
|||
|
have.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Y: Well, according to chaos theory...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: Ugh!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
G: Let him talk.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Y: Well... something is bound to go wrong for him somewhere.. hopefully
|
|||
|
we can figure it out, and nothing will go wrong for us.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: Great...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
G: Well thats a start <sigh> I think we need to start with some
|
|||
|
reconasance, someone has to find out some more about this guy.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nyar: I'll go.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
W: I'll go too.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
E: I'll make some Tang!!!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
G: Ok.. Nyar, Whoops, go see what you can find out. Epic.. make some
|
|||
|
tang. Yohan, you and I are going to see some people to find out what
|
|||
|
we can about the virus. Natureboy... you go get these supplies
|
|||
|
<writes some stuff on a paper and hands it to NB>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
<enter Psychotic Ambition>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Psycho: Im sorry I couldnt make it sooner, but I fell down the stairs.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
G: Uhm... Whatever. Psychotic, you go with Naturboy. Everyone else,
|
|||
|
we'll carry on as before. Now lets get to it. We'll meet back
|
|||
|
here in 5 hours.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
<exuent>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
- <20> -<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
-Lessons-
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Whenever I'm thinking about death and what lays
|
|||
|
beyond, I always remember and refer back to a little tale that
|
|||
|
my grandfather told me while on his death bed...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
"Hey, there, sonny... Let me tell you a little tale,
|
|||
|
and I want you to pass this on to your grandchildren when
|
|||
|
you're dying... you are going to have grandchildren, aren't
|
|||
|
you? Good boy! Well when a man is about to die a lot of
|
|||
|
things go through his head, and I remember this tale that my
|
|||
|
grandfather told me before he died, and his grandfather told
|
|||
|
him before he died, and it's been passed on for generations
|
|||
|
and generations. Ahh, my grandfather. He was a great man. A
|
|||
|
Great man! He never let anyone give him lip. No sir, a fine
|
|||
|
man he was. Well, I'm getting off the subject! Ahh, the tale
|
|||
|
he told me... it was a great tale. One of the best tales I
|
|||
|
think I ever did hear... My grandfather, he sure knew how to
|
|||
|
tell the tale too. He was a natural at it. Like it was
|
|||
|
something he had recited and prepared over and over again to
|
|||
|
have perfection when he told it... it was simply amazing. I
|
|||
|
doubt I'll ever hear a story like that..."
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
"Gramps? So tell me this story..."
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
"Ah, yes, the story... it was a wonderful story, I
|
|||
|
have to admit... I don't know if I could give it the credit it
|
|||
|
is due... my grandfater, bless his soul, told me this story on
|
|||
|
his deathbed... I already told you this... and here I am,
|
|||
|
passing on this story to you... my grandson... ah, I remember
|
|||
|
when you were this big! how you've grown, you're a young man
|
|||
|
now! I remember seeing you right after you were born... you
|
|||
|
were so cute! your mother was so proud... and I was so proud
|
|||
|
of my son... ugh! I'm getting off track, aren't I? I'm
|
|||
|
sorry... I sometimes to that... ok... what I'm about to tell
|
|||
|
you is the most important information you'll ever hear..."
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
And Then he died.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
I learned a lot from my grandfather. One of the
|
|||
|
things I learned is don't listen to old farts right about to
|
|||
|
die, cuz they're full of shit.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
- <20> -<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
MiLK's Guide to pissing in the wilderness
|
|||
|
by
|
|||
|
Winter Solstice
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Have you ever been out in the middle of nowhere and had to piss
|
|||
|
really bad? Well if you are a guy you are in luck because I will be going
|
|||
|
over some of the ways you can wizz in the wilderness. Enough babbling
|
|||
|
here we go.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
1. One major rule you must follw is stay away from the wild animals
|
|||
|
mainly wolverines or racoons because they will not be to happy if you are
|
|||
|
draining the lizard in their nest and probably take phsyical action against
|
|||
|
your penis.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
2. Find a nice big tree or a bush out of the wind so that you
|
|||
|
won't be splashed. No one likes piss all over their pants and shirt, so
|
|||
|
watch the wind.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
3. Do not pull your pants all the way down because if some old
|
|||
|
farm geezer sees you he might
|
|||
|
(a) Get out the Shotgun and begin firing at you
|
|||
|
(<28>) Actually use his/her phone and call Barney Fife
|
|||
|
Also you might look a tasty snack for a black bear or grizzly bear
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
4. Do not piss on any (what look to be) abandon farm houses, because
|
|||
|
they are not always that way. I learned the hard way. It seems I aroused
|
|||
|
a homosexual bull and I was walking bow legged for 6 months straight.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
5. Finally, remember to shake it good to get all the excess dripage
|
|||
|
off. This is so you aren't walking away and you get a wet feeling in your
|
|||
|
undies, that is if you are wearing any underpants. But remember, more than
|
|||
|
six shakes and you are wanking it.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
- <20> -<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
-Fortunes-
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
I've always wondered about the meaning of life, and
|
|||
|
then one day, right out of the blue, I found out. I was at
|
|||
|
this neat chinese restaraunt right by my house, and I opened
|
|||
|
my fortune cookie to reveal...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
"Your life will be filled with happyness and warmth"
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Great. That is the moment I figured out my true
|
|||
|
calling in life. I was going to hunt down and KILL every
|
|||
|
single one of the people who write the fortunes that go into
|
|||
|
fortune cookies.. yes, it may sound impossible, but when you
|
|||
|
think about how much a person could really get accomplished in
|
|||
|
a lifetime, it's not that impossible a task. Well, tomorrow I
|
|||
|
set out to take my goal across the globe in order to end the
|
|||
|
petty lives of these Opimistic bullshit fortunes. Then, when
|
|||
|
I'm all done slaughtering them all, I may even stop for a
|
|||
|
while and write some of my own...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Now, you may think it'd be hard to get in touch with
|
|||
|
these authors, they don't exactly write their names on their
|
|||
|
fortunes, but I found a way... I asked the manager of the
|
|||
|
chinese resteraunt where they bought their fortune cookies
|
|||
|
from... then I traced the company that makes them, and found
|
|||
|
out who is their employee that makes them... I told them I was
|
|||
|
a reporter wanted to interview him.. how foolish they are.. so
|
|||
|
that way I got the phone #'s of all the authors from that
|
|||
|
company... I simply CNA'd their numbers, and wha-lah! I had
|
|||
|
their addresses...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Tomorrow, their pathetic lives will have ceased
|
|||
|
because of my hands. I truly will make a difference.
|
|||
|
Nevermore will you ever read an annoying optimistic fortune.
|
|||
|
Now you'll get ones like "You probably are alive if you're
|
|||
|
reading this" or "You'll probably die from either heart
|
|||
|
problems, lung cancer, or a car accident". At least my
|
|||
|
fortunes would have not so optimistic messages.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
- <20> -<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
-Golden Screw-
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This is a tale of the magnitude that you cannot imagine, a scale
|
|||
|
that is incomprehensible. Ok, so I lie. Here is the story anyways, the
|
|||
|
story of the Golden Screw.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Once upon a time, not too long ago, there was an average family
|
|||
|
that lived in an average house in an average town, in the average state
|
|||
|
of Idaho. Well, one day this family had a son. When this son was born,
|
|||
|
and came out of the mothers womb, the doctos looked him over, to make
|
|||
|
sure that he possed all the little parts that a normal person has.
|
|||
|
Yes, he had 5 toes each on two feet, as well as 10 fingers,
|
|||
|
equally distributed on two hands. He had two ears, two eyes, a nose and
|
|||
|
a mouth. The doctors preced to cut the umbilical cord... and made a
|
|||
|
shocking discovery.
|
|||
|
Where the end of the umbilical cord was, where the belly button
|
|||
|
should be, was what appeared to be a golden screw. This shocked the
|
|||
|
doctors and the family quite a bit, and they decided to run some tests
|
|||
|
on it.
|
|||
|
Well, it turned out that it really was gold, and that there was
|
|||
|
no conceivable way to seperate it from the boy. But the boy was
|
|||
|
otherewise perfectly fine, so the doctors let him leave the hospital and
|
|||
|
go home after a couple of days.
|
|||
|
Time passed, a couple of years, and the boy became a toddler. He
|
|||
|
still had the golden screw in place of a belly button. It was about the
|
|||
|
size of a penny, and a quarter of an inch long, but it seemed to be
|
|||
|
growing along with the boy. The boy was too youung to realize that he
|
|||
|
was special, but needles to say the glowing screw on his stomache
|
|||
|
provided him many hours of fascination.
|
|||
|
More time passed, and the boy started school, and at this point
|
|||
|
of the story he is around 10 years old and in 5th grade. The screw has
|
|||
|
tbe diameter of a nickel now, and is 3 quarters of an inch long. This
|
|||
|
causes it to stick out of the shirt, which causes many of the other kids
|
|||
|
in the class to make fun of him. But the boy is strong willed, and he
|
|||
|
doesn't pay any attention to their jesting, and he eventually becomes
|
|||
|
quite a popular kid.
|
|||
|
In high school he plays football, and is the starting
|
|||
|
quarterback, and is quite good. He makes all-conference all 4 years, and
|
|||
|
his senior year his team wins state. He is known as one of the nicest
|
|||
|
and most honorable guys in the school, and everyone wants to be his
|
|||
|
friend.
|
|||
|
Well, the end of his senior year has arrived, and he goes to
|
|||
|
prom (no she doesn't have a golden nut!), and that night, he begins to
|
|||
|
think seriously about his future. At this point the screw has the
|
|||
|
diamter of a quarter, and is over and inch long. He had planned to go to
|
|||
|
college next year, stanford, but he now has doubts as to what he wants to
|
|||
|
do. Because he feels that the screw is there for a purpose, and that gosh
|
|||
|
darn it, he ought to find out what that purpose is. So instead of going to
|
|||
|
college he goes to Galveston, Texas, where he heard that they had some
|
|||
|
excellent doctors, and perhaps they could tell him something about the
|
|||
|
screw.
|
|||
|
He arrives in Texas, and heads straight away to this famous
|
|||
|
specialist, hopefull that he could still possibly make it to college the
|
|||
|
next semester. But, alas, the specialist can tell him nothing about the
|
|||
|
screw. All the tests his runs are in vain, and he tells the boy that he
|
|||
|
can do no more. He tells the boy to go to Johns Hopkins University in
|
|||
|
Maryland, where he thinks that the boy may find the answer to the
|
|||
|
question. The boy thanks the doctor and journeys off to Maryland.
|
|||
|
He arrives at JHU and he is pointed in the direction of their
|
|||
|
research departmen. There he is looked over by a team of some of the
|
|||
|
brightest doctors in the world. They run a myriad of state of the art
|
|||
|
tests on him, but the only new thing they can tell the boy is the mass
|
|||
|
of the screw. They inform him that a certain doctor in Liverpool England
|
|||
|
had lately been making great advances in bizarre birth defects, and they
|
|||
|
advised the boy to visit her. He thanks the doctors, and heads over to
|
|||
|
the British Isles.
|
|||
|
The British doctor is amazed by his screw, and spends several
|
|||
|
weeks running tests on it and examing the boy. She informs him that she
|
|||
|
had never seen anything like this in her life, and that she is most
|
|||
|
excited by the gold screw. However, she cannot deduce anything about the
|
|||
|
nature of the screw, for which she is very sorry, but she tells the boy
|
|||
|
that his last chance might be to visist the Juhai institue in Ne
|
|||
|
w Delhi
|
|||
|
India, to see if they can help him. He thanks the doctor, and heads to
|
|||
|
India.
|
|||
|
Unfortunately, he recieves the same old story at the Juhai
|
|||
|
Institute, they can tell him nothing. The boy is now fed up with doctors
|
|||
|
and decides to wander the world, visiting mystics and what not, until he
|
|||
|
dies, or finds the secret of the golden screw.
|
|||
|
A number of years later while wandering in the Himalayas of Tibet
|
|||
|
he comes across a lone monk, sitting in the lotus position floating
|
|||
|
several inches off the ground. He really doesn't want to disturb the
|
|||
|
monk, but he believes with all his heart that the monk can help him, so
|
|||
|
he say's hello.
|
|||
|
The monk promptly falls to the ground, gets up and rubs his
|
|||
|
rear, and greets the boy. He tells the boy that the answer of his
|
|||
|
question can be found on a certain mountain peak, about 10 miles from
|
|||
|
where they now were. The boy is astounded, because he never explained
|
|||
|
his situation to the monk. The monk tells the boy to seek out the peak,
|
|||
|
climb up it, and sit, and all will be revealed.
|
|||
|
The boy finds the peak and climbs it, which is an ordeal in
|
|||
|
itself. When he reaches the pinacle, he discovers a seat carved in the
|
|||
|
rock. He sits in it, and it fits him perfectly. He now waits.
|
|||
|
Three days later he is still sitting their, starving, thirsty,
|
|||
|
and smelling like shit. He decides to give up, not just on the peak, but
|
|||
|
on the entire quest to discover the secret of the screw. He gets up off
|
|||
|
the seat, and begins to walk down, when he hears a great voice.
|
|||
|
"STOP!"
|
|||
|
At first the boy thinks that he is delirous, and it is merely in
|
|||
|
his mind, but he stops anyway, and waits a few seconds.
|
|||
|
"LIE DOWN!"
|
|||
|
He still thinks that it is only his imagination, but he decides
|
|||
|
to lie down, and see what happes. As he lies down, a gigantic hand
|
|||
|
comes dowm from the sky, bearing a golden screwdriver. "At last," thinks
|
|||
|
the boy, "an answer!".
|
|||
|
"LIFT UP YOUR SHIRT!"
|
|||
|
The boy does as he's told, and the hand with the screwdriver
|
|||
|
reaches over, and begins to unscrew the screw on his stomache. The screw
|
|||
|
slowly begins to come out, and the boy is ecstatic. Then suddenly the
|
|||
|
hand stops turning the screw, and vanishes.
|
|||
|
The boy puts his hands on the screw, and discovers that it is
|
|||
|
loose. A few turns, and it it completely out of him. He looks it over,
|
|||
|
and then stands up...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
AND HIS BUTT FALLS OFF!!!!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
- <20> -<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
-Buffy-
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Tom sat down in the chair and turned on the computer and modem. He logged
|
|||
|
on his favorite bulletin board. There were five other people in the
|
|||
|
conference: jh, Com, Nyarlathotep, Buffy and Yohan Bawk. He immediately
|
|||
|
started hitting his macro keys, most of them dealing with the various users
|
|||
|
and gerbils. Occasionally he pressed a key that set off a barrage of twitty
|
|||
|
comments about the sysop of the system and eggplants. <Whistle.. and..boy. the
|
|||
|
things you learn online..> He then started to hit on Buffy since she seemed to
|
|||
|
be the only one online that had ovaries. (The status of some of the others was
|
|||
|
doubtful, but he decided to twit with just the one. Mustn't o.d. on
|
|||
|
hormones..)
|
|||
|
"Hey baby.. howsabout you come on over here?" he typed to Buffy. To his
|
|||
|
surprise, she cheerily agreed. He gave her directions while in a shocked
|
|||
|
state..Nobody had ever reacted like that to him before. Then his brain caught
|
|||
|
up with his hormones. "Probably a geek," he muttered to himself. But he was
|
|||
|
too excited to twit now. He logged off and sat behind his desk, putting his
|
|||
|
feet up on it. He picked up the smoking remnants of what was once probably a
|
|||
|
cigarette but now resembled more closely a little piece of something not
|
|||
|
entirely unlike flaming frog ligaments and dangled it from between his lips.
|
|||
|
Just as he was about to suck the stream of burning matter into his body,
|
|||
|
however, the door to his apartment was thrust open by a lascivious blonde.
|
|||
|
"Hello," she purred in greeting as she jumped up on top of his desk and
|
|||
|
licked his face. She crouched in that position until Tom's brain cells stopped
|
|||
|
careening around inside his head.
|
|||
|
"Gak," Tom's vocal cords managed to squeeze out before his hormones
|
|||
|
erupted and the majority of his small number of brain cells hit each other,
|
|||
|
creating a huge mushroom cloud of typical male-twit stupidity. They started
|
|||
|
functioning (somewhat sluggishly) a short time later.
|
|||
|
"Um," Tom's voice cracked.
|
|||
|
"My name is...Buffy," she purred, running her finger up and down Tom's
|
|||
|
pudgy chest.
|
|||
|
"Hi, Tom. I mean, I'm Tom. Nice..very nice..whooaaa baby..um, to meat
|
|||
|
you." Tom squawked before lapsing into a silence in which nothing moved, save
|
|||
|
his eyes (which were following the movements of..bounce..bounce..jiggle... and
|
|||
|
the thin sliver of drool that was winding its way down Tom's chin)
|
|||
|
"Listen," Buffy said, crossing her legs and making the small fragment of
|
|||
|
cloth that was probably supposed to cover something ride higher on her legs.
|
|||
|
Tom could do nothing but obey, and did so eagerly.
|
|||
|
"I have a job for you," Buffy continued. "Stand," she commanded to the
|
|||
|
ape-like being drooling in front of her. Buffy reached across the desk and
|
|||
|
grabbed Tom's shirt with one hand. Suddenly her other hand came into view,
|
|||
|
a gruesome stake held in its slender fingers. She held Tom down with one hand
|
|||
|
while the other flew through the air and planted the stake in Tom's chest.
|
|||
|
"Buffy the twit slayer strikes again," she laughed maliciously as she
|
|||
|
flounced out of the room.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
- <20> -<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
<EFBFBD> <20> [MiLK] Information
|
|||
|
<EFBFBD> <20>
|
|||
|
<EFBFBD> <20> [MiLK] Sites:
|
|||
|
<EFBFBD> <20>
|
|||
|
<EFBFBD> <20> Barney's Pleasure Palace...(708)965-3098 [14,400]
|
|||
|
۲<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400]
|
|||
|
۲<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> The Lunatic Phringe........(708)232-0565 [12 Nodes]
|
|||
|
۲<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
۲<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
|
|||
|
۲<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> BIG Issue #3
|
|||
|
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> This file is Exactly 23479 bytes long
|
|||
|
|