214 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
214 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
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Mike's Madness (Issue #2, Oh NO!!)
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"Here we go again"
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-- Germany, 1937
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Mike's Guide to CABLE TV!!!
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Channel 2:
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Guns 'n Roses: If you can't sing, SCREAM!
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Channel 3:
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NBC: There's laughs-a-plenty when Gary Coleman gets the shit stomped
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outta him by a group of Skinheads. Stay tuned for "Hep me! Hep me!
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Dere's a group o' skinheads out to kick my ass!"
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Channel 4:
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Cable Guide: 250 programs you pay $23.50 a month to watch that you would
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never in a cold day in hell watch if they were offered on
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free TV.
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Channel 5:
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CNN: Two economists drone on and on and on and on and on about shifts in
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the GNP that mean absolutly nothing.
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Channel 6:
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KVIE/PBS: It's "Screwing Animals" night on PBS! Stayed tuned for the best
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in mammalian reproduction as we take a look at feline predators
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gettin' their rocks off. Viewer discresion and a barf-bag
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advised.
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Channel 7:
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Video Hits 1: Tonight's line-up:
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Bon Jovi: Born to be an abortion
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Def Leppard: We suck and our drummer's only got one fucking arm
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White Lion: We suck too!
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Megadeath: And us!
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MetallicA: Us also!
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Elvis Presely: Pass me that bucket o' extra crispy
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White Lion: No, we really do suck!
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Motely Crue: We sold out! We sold out!
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Cindi Lauper: I got no tits
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Janise Jackson: No, goddamnit! That's JANISE, not MICHAEL!
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Ozzy Ozbourne: Pass me that bucket o' extra-crispy uncooked
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White Lion: I'm serious! We suck like a Hoover in a tornado!
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Thomas Dolby: Hey, I'm really sorry about the Aliens ate my Buick deal
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White Lion: Have I mentioned the fact we suck?
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D.J. Jazzy Jeff and Fresh Prince: What the hell rhymes with "Orange"?
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Pink Floyd: Waters, PLEASE come back! PLEEEEASE!
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Eddie Brackel and the New Bohemians: Ever heard anything by White Lion?
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Chicago: 100 more creative album names
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Z.Z. Top: No, that's not pubic hair glued to our faces
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Elvis Presely: Hey, pass me that bucket o' lard
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White Lion: Hey! I'm not screwing around! We wholly suck! Big Time!
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Art of Noise: Music without meaning
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Janise Joplin: Someone farted. Alright . . . HEY! Who cut the cheese!
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White Lion: I don't get that last joke!
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Lenin and the Bolsheviks: That's because you're capitalist swine!
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Hitler and the Boot Boys: No, they suck. Haven't you been reading this
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W. Churchill and the Spitfires: Ah-ha! The games up, Adolf!
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Mao Se Tung and the Redbooks: Not so fast, English pig! I've interrupted you
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Fuck-up and the line-feeds: Damn, I hate when that happens.
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Etc.
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Channel 8:
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(Channel 40): Stay tuned now for 3 hours of solid boredom when the Brady
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Kids meet the Bad News Bears in "Oh God, I think I'm going
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to vomit!"
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Channel 9:
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ESPN: We promise you a thrill a minute when the best in midget wrestling
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begins next. Followed by a PBS special "The Animal Kingdom". Tonight,
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episode 8, "Screwing".
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Channel 10:
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(Channel 10): Our news sucks! We're the absolute worst. Tonite on news at
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5:13:45, "White Lion: A new force in vacuum technology."
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Channel 11:
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(TV 58): Tonight, we present Ethel Merrman, Edgar Casey and Jizz, the wonder
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dog in the 1941 classic "I was Hitler's left nut"
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Channel 12:
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(KRBK, Channel 31): Tonight we present Jizz, the wonder dog and Timmy Green
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in the 1942 classic "Mom, what's Spunky doing to that
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man's leg?"
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Channel 13:
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(Channel 13): Series. "Beauty and the Beastiality". Tonight, things get
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REALLY ugly after Vincent watches 25 solid hours of PBS
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and gets a REALLY interesting idea.
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Channel 14:
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(Home Shopping): On sale tonight, 101 devices to protect against Credit
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Card Fraud.
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Channel 15:
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(Lifetime, Medical News): Program: "How to drain a festering anal pus
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wart" (colour). In stereo where avalible.
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Channel 16:
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(Who knows?): "How to bang quiff while smoking a spliff without getting
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in a riff." (Not avalible locally)
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Channel 17:
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(Who cares?): Sacramento Kings vs. 3 9-year-olds. 1-25 odds on Kings
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Channel 18:
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(I don't): Weak spincter bowl-off. Sponsored by Depend Undergarments.
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Channel 19:
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(Spanish): Emilio Estevez and Julio Englazies in "Hey! Don't go fuckin'
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with those niggers down by the tracks!" (1935)
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Channel 20:
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(KTVU, San Fransisco): News special; 101 more ways to get a social disease
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from our animal friends. Sponsored by PBS.
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Channel 21:
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(Nickelodeon, kids): "You can't do that on television!". The topic of
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masturbation is examined in depth with Jizz, the
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Wonder Dog. (Wonder if he'll do it again?)
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Channel 22:
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(Something or other): HE DID! HE DID! And all over the Setee'. Blimey!
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Channel 23:
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(See 22): Long distance zit pop-off! See which contestants can go the
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distance! Last year's winner Herb Goldberg has a ripe, red
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one stored up on his forehead and it looks like the mountain
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on the nose of challenger Amy Duclose will be able to give
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Herb a squirt for his money.
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Channel 24:
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(See 69?): The South Area Skinheads present "Bowling for Jews!". Prizes
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this week include an all expense paid vacation to Germany,
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paid bail for the next 5 years and a burning cross!
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Channel 25:
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(Often?): White Lion Special: The 1988 "We really fucking suck" Concert
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tour. In mono where avalible.
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Channel 26:
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(Really?): Flipper and Lassie and Trigger and Mr. Ed. (1968). DIS-GUSTING!
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They can't really show that, can they? REALLY? I didn't know
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you could fit a Volkswagon in there. Wait a sec, lemme call
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the wife and have her set up the VCR . . .
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Channel 27:
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(KRBK, Channel 44, Bay Area): The Bay City Ballers! Baller derby returns
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to the Cow Palace with the all important
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"Fuck 'till your balls are the size of
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raisins" match between Jimmy Swaggart and
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then entire female population of Reno, Nevada
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Channel 28:
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(Another one of those): Fuck off! We're watching Channel 26!
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Channel 29:
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(Headline News): See 3 hours of news chopped into incomprehensible 30 second
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block with commercials slipped in every 15 seconds.
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Channel 30:
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(Educational Consortium): "Math is Fun and other famous bullshit stories"
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Channel 31:
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(Showtime): Viet Nam is the focus of this months and every other month's
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movies. I'm serious, we got Viet Nam movies like White Lion
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sucks! We got more fucking Viet Nam movies than poor animal
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sex jokes in this letter. Oh yeah, we got a WW II movie, too.
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Channel 32:
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(Country Muzik): YEE-HAA! It's HEE-HAWW! Thaz right! 50 solid hours of
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HEE-HAWW! What a treat! What a prize! What a condition
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for crimes against humanity!
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Channel 33:
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(Farts and Entertainment): WW II Documentries! You want 'em, we got 'em!!
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We must have about 3 trillion hours of film
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from a war that lasted about 4 years. But hey!
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We got Japs! We got Gerry! The Blitz, Pearl
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Harbour, Midway, Coral Sea, Berlin -- you
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name a historical incident, we got the film!!!!
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We also have some screwing animal films, but
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we only show those after the kids have gone to
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to bed.
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Channel 34:
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(HBO): See Channel 37
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Channel 35:
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(Discovery): Right! Right! WE got screwing animal films that would take the
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kink outta your pubic hair! PBS would get kicked off the
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air if they showed some of these. If you can find it in an
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encyclopedia, we got film of it humping something! Close
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shots, low angle, over-head, telephoto shots. We'll show
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you places not even the animals themselves can see! Ho
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blimey! And I'll tell you what, we here at Discovery have
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seen EVERY FUCKING SECOND They got a shot of me sticking me
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arm straight up a lionesses' [C E N S O R E D] up to my
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bleedin' armpit! It was wonderful! (The Staff of
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Sacramento Cable regrets to announce that Discovery will no
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longer be shown in Sacramento. Damn.)
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Channel 36:
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(Weather): The weather for Georgia, like you really fucking cared.
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Channel 37:
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(Cinemax): See Channel 34
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Welp, there's nothing on cable again, so I guess I'll just go to bed now.
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Good night!
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