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285 lines
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M O// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOO0 P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue #8 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 19, 1988
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---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
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the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
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Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
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way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
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as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
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===============================================================================
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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THAT'S better. I received a few submissions this week, finally,
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and we have a good issue (in my humble opinion as editor). Still waiting
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on Sabre's contribution (hint-hint, Sabre!) but since his is extremely m00sey
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and dangerous to the world's sanity, it's going to be worth the wait.
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However, we must not slack off. Keep the contributions coming, so the
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weirdness may continue. Remember, the fall semester is approaching fast,
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and I am expecting and hoping that the number of BITNET chapters will explode
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into hugeness. We want to welcome them with quality confusion.
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Only two new chapters this time, they're listed below. Welcome to the
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conspiracy!
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And so, on with the issue....
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-Pickle.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nothing really, here, but Half-Elf has requested that I make a note
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in this issue in reference to Camp Relay II. She claims (I take no sides,
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I'm the impartial editor) that it was proven that half-elves are faster
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than kamikazes, since the was able to tag him from behind during the football
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game. I, for one, can assure all m00ses that half-elves are much harder
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than they look, and one should be careful when running into them, if one
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wants to move during the following three days without one's muscles screaming.
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-Pickle.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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I was preparing this issue when I got an urgent note from Wolverine, saying
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(in effect): "Hold the presses!" (I've always wanted to say that.) I
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did, and it was well worth it.......
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&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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Author's Note: The following story doesn't really have anything to do with &
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The M00se Illuminati. Although the main characters ARE members of the &
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M00se Illuminati, the group they form is NOT sponsored by the Illuminati.... &
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&
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Or *IS* it? &
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&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
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Four seemingly normal men walk through the path that takes them to
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Fall Creek, where they plan to spend the day swimming and relaxing. Unknown
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to them, strange toxic chemicals have been recently dumped in the area. When
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they dive in, the chemicals interact with their genetic DNA, forming a chain
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reaction through their systems. They become.........
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THE LARGE MANLY MEN IN WET CLOTHING
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=== ===== ===== === == === ========
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It was a peacful day at Fall Creek. The sky was crystal blue, the trees
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a lush green, the water clear as glass. Suddenly, the stillness was broken
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by a booming voice.
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"KOW - A - BUUNNGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the voice boomed as a truly large
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manly body leapt into the air, curled into a ball of taut muscle and sinew,
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and landed in the water with a thunderous crash. Water spewed forty feet
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in the air. Sabre swam sputtering back to the surface, huge, bulking muscles
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propelling him through the water at amazing speed.
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Wolverine treaded water easily and applauded. "A truly manly cannonball,
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Sabre!"
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"A truly manly compliment, oh Wolverine," Sabre said, bowing his head.
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"What a fine manly day it is!"
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"Makes one glad to be a manly man," said Guardian Angel.
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"A Large Manly Man in Wet Clothing," corrected Alacrity.
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"Ah, yes. How stupid of me to foget!" said Guardian Angel.
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"Anyway, 'twas a fine cannonball indeed Sabre!" G.A. said.
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"Magnificent! Stupendous! Hhmm, what does our moll Dusk think of it?"
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Alacrity asked.
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Off to the side, sitting on a rock shelf was Dusk, trying her best to
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look inconspicuous. 'I don't know these people...I never heard of these
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people...I have no idea WHO they are,' she thought. Sighing, she thought,
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'Why did I get stuck with them? I don't want to be their "moll"! Ever since
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those toxic chemicals had been dumped in here that day, they've been acting
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like this. This manly man stuff is driving me batty!'
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"Well Dusk, what did you think?" Wolverine asked.
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"It was, uh, very manly Sabre," she said.
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"Why thank you Dusk! What a womanly thing for you to say!"
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Just then, their attention was distracted by a small slide of loose
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rocks. As the Large Manly Men in Wet Clothing looked up, they saw three
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women in lavishly-done hairstyles, lead by a thin, scuzzy looking man.
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The women were being careful to stay out of the spray of the falls, so as
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not to wet their hair.
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Wolverine gasped. "Good Lord! The Nefarious Hair Girls!"
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"And their leader, The Scum Puppy!" Alacrity answered.
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"They must have been sent by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers." Sabre said.
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"Shall we attack?" asked G.A.
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"Maybe they're here to just swim," offered Dusk.
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"Hah! Not the Nefarious Hair Girls!" said Wolverine. "They would NEVER
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risk getting their hair wet! They must be planning something."
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Just then, The Scum Puppy yelled out, "We know you are here, Large Manly
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Men in Wet Clothing! Come out and face us!"
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"They have affronted our manly pride and egos." said Sabre. "Manly men,
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ATTACK!"
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The large manly men leaped forward, hurling massive rocks and tree trunks
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at the Hair Girls. As the storm of rocks and trees flew towards them, one
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of the Hair Girls, Muffy, pulled out a large can of Super Strength Hair Spray
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and sprayed it toward the incoming weaponry. The spray immediately caught
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the flying debris, and it dropped into the water in a sticky mass.
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"GOOD LORD!" exclaimed G.A.
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"Quickly," boomed Wolverine, "assume crouch positions!"
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The four manly men crouched down in the water, preparing to spring forward
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and pummel their adversaries. As they did, the other two Hair Girls, Babs and
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Jennie-Jen, pulled out the world's largest hair dryer, turned the air-speed
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to high, aimed it at the Large Manly Men, and turned the switch to on.
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Instantly, a large gust of wind swept the Large Manly Men out of the water and
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pinned them against the opposite cliff wall.
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"Oh No!" yelled Sabre, trying to make his voice heard above the wind.
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"Our...our clothes are drying! We'll weaken if our clothes dry!"
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"What shall we do!" yelled G.A.
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"We'll be helpless at the hands of the Hair Girls! They may give us
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fashionable hair cuts!"
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"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Wolverine in agony at
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the thought of having a yuppie hairstyle.
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Suddenly, Dusk had a thought. "Guys! Form a wall! Maybe that will
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bounce the air back towards them!"
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"That's it!" cried Wolverine. "Quickly! While we still have some of
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our manly strength. Crowd together and we will form a wall with our broad,
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muscular, manly chests! That should deflect this evil wind!"
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Fighting with an effort beyond that of ordinary men, the Large Manly Men
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crowded together, forming a wall with their massive pectoral muscles. The wind
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from the hair dryer from Hell bounced off them, whipping back toward the
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Hair Girls. As it struck, it ruined their hairstyles, knocking their hair down
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into hanging, tattered messes. The immediately dropped the hair dryer and
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whined in great agony!
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"Oh no!" cried Babs. "My hair's absolutely horrid! *SOB*"
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"Now I'll have to get it done again, and that's the third time this
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MORNING!" whined Muffy.
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"Guys!" yelled Dusk. "The Scum Puppy is getting away!"
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"Everyone into the water!" yelled G.A.
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As one, the four Large Manly Men cannonballed into the water, causing a
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veritable tital wave to rise from the water, grabbing The Scum Puppy and
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pulling him into the water. Acting quickly, the Large Manly Men tore the
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gold chains from the necks of the Hair Girls and shackled them and The Scum
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Puppy.
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"A job well done, oh fellow Manly Men!" exclaimed Alacrity.
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"Truly a Manly Act!" said G.A.
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"And credit to our moll, Dusk, for her part!" voiced Wolverine.
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"Yeah, uh, thanks guys...can we get out of here now?" asked Dusk.
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================================================================================
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Author's Note: The author refuses to take responsibility for this story,
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as he claims to have been controlled by Demons during the writing of said story.
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By: Wolverine
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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May I Be Excused?
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--- - -- --------
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The graduate School of Education at Northern Illinois Universirt,
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DeKalb, Illinois, recently collected excuses for absence turned in by students
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around the state. A number of these are listed below; the spelling is exactly
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as it appeared on the notes:
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Dear School: Pleaes eckuse John for been absent January 28, 29, 30, 32,
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and 33.
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Chris has a acre on his side.
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Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
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John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
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I kepe Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn't
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know what size she wear.
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Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.
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My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. Pleae execute
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him.
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Lillie was absent from school yesterday and she had a going over.
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Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.
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Please excuse Blanch from Jim today. She is adminstrating.
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My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the
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weekend with the marines.
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Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
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Please excuse Dianna from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
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gramps.
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Mary Ann was absent December 11-15 because she had a fever, sore throat,
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headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, sore throat,
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her brother had a low grade fever and acked all over. I wasn't the best
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either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around -
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her father even got hot last night.
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Bl00p!
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Rich
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===============
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I have one to add that I am not making up. When my mother was in grade
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school in Gouverneur, a backwater town in upstate NY, there was a young
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boy a couple years younger than her who everybody called 'Stinky'. That
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was his normal nickname, not an insult. Anyway, one day he had to stay
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home from school, as he had a nasty case of diarrhea (sp?). The next day
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his mother sent him to school with a note that said: "Stinky wasn't in
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school yesterday because he had the shits."
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-Pickle.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Recently someone came up with the idea of using "m00se" as a verb,
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meaning to join the M00se Illuminati. I have done a bit of thought and
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come up with some other words that every m00se should know.
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m00se (v) - 1. to join the M00se Illuminati, 2. to act in a bizzarre manner,
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(n) - a member of the M00se Illuminati
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m00sey (adj) - bizarre, and attention-getting
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thr0ng (n) - a group of m00ses
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(v) - the act of grouping
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thr0ng-a-thon (n) - a gathering of more than one thr0ng and involving at
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least three m00ses. A gathering of two m00ses is commonly
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known as a date.
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I hope that's cleared up some points of confusion and created some
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new ones. Bl00p!!
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Joe Claffey
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==============
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Note: A m00se dictionary might be useful. If anybody comes up with more
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m00se terms, send them here and I'll add them in.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Add to the list:
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Connecticut State U thr0ng CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus
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UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande
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