textfiles/magazines/HOE/hoe-1101.txt

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     $$     .d""b. .d""b.                  HOE E'ZINE #1101
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     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$ss$$                  "The First Time"
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$                         by, Quarex
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$                      06/28/00
 [-- $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
     $$  $$ "TssT" "TssT"

 There is a small chance you already know what this file is all about.

 If so, I already wish to ask why in god's name you are still fucking
 reading it.  What is wrong with you?  Why the fuck do you want to find
 out about my first masturbation experience?

 Oh, right, I should probably explain this text file for those of you who
 do not already know what it is.

 Though I pretty much just gave it away.

 Well, in any case, a little backstory: Most things I do in life lead back
 to complaining about women.  Just read half of my other h0e files.  As a
 result, I ended up making a bet with Mogel about 10 months ago, something
 to the effect of "Whichever of us gets a girlfriend first, from this
 point onward, has to write a 10k text file about the first time he
 masturbated."

 Now, quite frankly, this bet was a done deal before we even agreed on the
 terms.  Mogel would clearly "lose," get a girlfriend before I did, and
 have to write the text file.  All quite harmless fun in the sake of
 raucous stupidity.

 Unfortunately, that did not come to pass.  At my friend Madpony's
 girlfriend's graduation party, I met her best friend Jennifer.  I
 immediately told her I was proud of her for being nearly 6'0", as it is
 obviously quite uncommon for a woman to even be less than a foot shorter
 than me, let alone just four inches shorter.  She seemed to find my
 unorthodox flirting style intriguing, somehow.  We started hanging out
 the next week, and somehow ended up deciding we were dating on June 17th.
 After waiting a day to see if she would immediately die in a car wreck, I
 informed Mogel of the status of the bet.  I lost.  I was to write the
 text file.  I was unendingly confused.

 So, I suppose with that out of the way, I have no choice but to get
 started on the real track of this text file: Pure, Unadulterated
 Pornography.

 **************************************
 QUAREX'S FIRST MASTURBATION EXPERIENCE (m, pedo, first time)
 **************************************

 God, I cannot fucking believe I am doing this.

 Granted, it is not so much that I even really care, as so much that
 anyone reading this SOMEHOW WANTS TO READ ABOUT MY FIRST MASTURBATION
 EXPERIENCE.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?  SERIOUSLY, ARE YOU
 FORGETTING THAT I AM MALE?  I do not even think pedopheliac gay men would
 want to read this file.  For fuck's sake, go read something of mine with
 some value already.

 Okay.  Well, whatever.  Somehow, for some reason, you want to read this.
 Great.  Fine by me.  But just try to keep in mind that this will probably
 prove to be your undoing.

 ***************************************
 QUAREX'S FIRST MASTURBATION EXPERIENCE.
 ***************************************

 I was never a normal child.  And I do not mean that in the way most
 blithering idiots mean it--"Derr derr, I am special!"  No, I am just
 stating a fact.  My life never followed standard patterns.  Being an only
 child was fucked up enough.  Having a father who was initially raised
 Southern (I think) Baptist just makes it worse.  Then, add in a mother
 who was in a car accident at 14, leaving her with aphasia.  For those of
 you who do not know, aphasia, essentially, should be known as "Absurdist
 Humor Syndrome."  In essence, it makes her unable to think of the proper
 word for something she is trying to say once in a while.  Thus, her
 speech is completely normal for several minutes, and then she will say
 "Can you hand me the pickle?" instead of "Can you hand me the remote
 control." She is, of course, fully aware of her mistake, but it takes her
 a few tries to get it right, unless someone helps her.

 I think you can all imagine pretty well what kind of child this can end
 up raising.

 So, my entire life was lived watching Monty Python reruns, playing
 countless hours of games on my Atari 800XL computer, and dreaming of one
 day growing up to be a knight or a wizard.  It should therefore come as
 no surprise that I was more or less never exposed to anything even
 remotely erotic or sexually explicit until junior high.  The feature film
 "Love, Lust, and Ecstacy" was on Cinemax late one night during a
 sleep over I was having at my house.  We watched it, and I was quite
 confused at the sensations running through my body.  Yes, it was true, I
 had forgotten to go to the bathroom that day.

 Not much came from that random soft core porn movie.  In fact, I more or
 less forgot it again, with my unbelievably fantastic 8088 IBM PC rapidly
 filling the sexual gaps in my life with the gentle, soothing whir of
 electronic bliss.

 Then, the unthinkable happened.

 As had happened twice before in my life, my dad received a scholarship to
 make a lot of money by teaching in a foreign country for four months.
 This particular trip was to South Korea.  It was 1992.  I was almost 14.
 My computers were 8,000 miles away.  Before, simple action figures and
 sightseeing were enough to keep me entertained.  I had been 5 and 9
 during my last major world tours, after all.  But not this time.  No,
 this time, things were much, much worse.

 I was constantly bombarded by confusing feelings in South Korea.  Back
 home, I never really left my house other than to go to school or to an
 arcade, and never really paid any attention to the girls at either place.
 But, in South Korea, the girls paid attention to me, and I was forced to
 pay attention back.  Damn, that Croatian chick Tihana was pretty cute.  I
 hope she did not get killed a few years later.  In any case, females were
 starting to play some kind of role in my life, much to my dismay.  You
 can see it in my face in pictures taken during this era: The
 "complete-and-total-ignorance-of-real-life" expression I had all my life
 was replaced with the "Damn-these-Korean-bitches-got-nice-bodies" stare.

 To make myself perfectly clear, I never really found any one female
 attractive until my next year of school, back in Illinois.  However, I
 was beginning to understand that women were attractive, and as we all
 know, finding either sex attractive is a recipe for disaster.

 So, fast-forward to near the end of our stay in South Korea.  My four
 months of torture (well, not really torture--I played Street Fighter 2
 and Tetris almost literally hours every day, and was a fucking
 hustler-quality SF2 player by the time I got back to the states, but that
 is another story entirely) were almost at an end, and we had moved out of
 our apartment and into a hotel, waiting our connecting flight to Hawaii
 the next day.

 I, naturally, did not want to go to bed when my parents did, since I have
 been staying up late my entire life.  I never even got up early enough to
 watch Saturday morning cartoons as a child.  In any case, I was wondering
 what was on T.V.  The T.V. was kind of facing away from my parents, and I
 had my own bed, so I did not feel too bad about sitting up and watching
 some Korean Bullshit.  Much to my not-at-all surprise, South Korea, like
 every Southeastern Asian country, had free, most likely illegally fed,
 softcore porn channels on in the rooms.  So, deciding that "Emmanuelle on
 Some Fucking Island" was better than "BBC News" or Korean-dubbed "Alf," I
 kept watching it.

 It was a pretty standard softcore porn film.  Really, they all are.
 There is only so much you can do with sex.  Well, okay, that is
 completely untrue.  There is a lot of stuff you can do with it.  And this
 movie, so far as I can tell, was actually pretty good for a softcore porn
 film.  They never really bothered trying to have interesting characters
 or plot exposition, they just went ahead with the non-stop streams of
 meaningless lesbian encounters, watched alternately by another lesbian,
 or occasionally a man, but not too frequently.

 Have I mentioned yet that in school, earlier that year, whenever someone
 would make the "masturbation" hand gesture, I honestly had no idea what
 they were talking about?  I even asked my mom what it meant once.  I am
 pretty sure she told me.  But I still did not understand what
 "masturbation" meant, even in 8th grade.  Considering my lexicon
 consisted entirely of different skill-rankings from the game "Blue Max,"
 that should come as little surprise.

 But, in any case, back to the movie.  There was some pretty fun sex in
 it, including the requisite "This-movie-is-on-an-island-so-we-must-do-it-
 -on-a-waterfall" shot.  At some point, one of the few men in the movie
 ended up with the main female character.  They started talking, and the
 woman put her hand down to the guy's crotch.  I, of course, still had no
 idea what was going on.  Then, either they actually showed her rubbing
 his crotch, or at least implied it so I knew what the hell was going on,
 and I was instantly confused, as always.  As anyone who has ever watched
 softcore porn knows, sex in movies like that is often portrayed as two
 people wearing underwear rubbing against each other.  Therefore, I still
 did not even have any real clue as to what sex was.

 For another side note, when my parents had asked me a few years before
 this if I knew what sex was, I had immediately told them I did.  After
 all, I had seen "Love, Lust, and Ecstacy," and there could undoubtedly be
 no better sexual primer than that.

 So anyway, she was rubbing him.  I really wondered what the hell was
 going on.  However, I did not have much time to wonder, as soon
 thereafter the camera went somewhere else, and this time a naked woman
 was sitting on some kind of bench, with another woman performing oral sex
 on her and caressing her breasts.  This immediately struck me as the
 coolest thing I had ever seen.  Then, in an eternally unfortunate burst
 of logic, I decided that if I rubbed my own penis, that clearly I would
 accomplish something.

 Unfortunately, I had no idea how right I was.  It was pretty fun at
 first.  I was like "Hey, this makes having an erection even more fun!"
 Well, okay, I did not actually think that.  I honestly have no idea what
 was going through my mind, other than the unfortunate hormonal drive to
 keep doing what I was doing.

 The scene continued, and it was still really quite excellently erotic,
 and I continued going at it.  Eventually, the sensation I was feeling
 shifted quite dramatically.  Then, much to my abject horror, some kind of
 substance began seeping through whatever the hell pants or shorts or
 whatever I was wearing.  I immediately ran in terror to the bathroom, in
 order to determine what the hell was going on.  After quickly determining
 I was probably going to be okay, I questioned what had just happened, and
 if it could happen again.  "Surely," I thought, "That sex scene was just
 so arousing that this just happened to me."  Yes, Drew, surely, that must
 be the case.

 Regardless of the after effects, the mess I had created vexed me to no
 end.  How can something which is so pleasing create such an unpleasant
 spill to clean up?  Why must the duality of existence taunt me so?

 After that, I quickly fell into the standard trapping of masturbating,
 since I am male and all.  I am proud to say I do not think I masturbated
 more than twice a day, at most, for years afterwards.  Sometimes I would
 not masturbate for a week at a time!  Good god, imagine that.

 Of course, now, masturbation is just another thing I do that I wish I did
 not do, since it accomplishes virtually nothing.  At least I finally
 built myself a robot to clean up after me.

 So, there you have it.  An over 10k text file about the first time I
 masturbated, somehow managing to not cover masturbation in and of itself
 until about 9.9k in.  I suppose that was the challenge of this
 assignment, though, to write about anything but masturbation for as long
 as you could.

 Or maybe I should have just gone into as much detail as I possibly could
 about that Emmanuelle movie.  It was no "Goodbye, Emmanuelle," but it was
 definitely right up there.

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 [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu      HOE #1101, BY QUAREX - 6/28/00 ]