textfiles/magazines/HOE/hoe-0953.txt

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	1. "Where's the bathroom?"

	If you're in a house, the bathroom is probably down the hall and
 to either the right or the left.  A good rule of thumb is to knock
 politely before entering a closed door.  If there is no response, it's
 safer to inspect a room and find out if it is, in fact, a bathroom.  Gay
 people can use the same bathrooms that us straight people without any
 negative recourse.
	Please be advised that some bathrooms are better than others for
 fulfilling whatever needs you have.  For example, public restrooms rarely
 have showers, unless you're at a place with either a pool or in a college
 dorm or gym setting.  Even less, if any, have bathtubs.
	If you are shy, it's likely that using the stalls are a better
 source to provide privacy.  Especially if you are straight and do not
 want any homosexuals carefully examining your penis.  If you use the
 urinals, there's a good chance you are a homosexual.  If you are a
 homosexual, don't be afraid to use the stall as well, although please
 keep in mind there will be less opportunity for you to carefully examine
 the penises of a heterosexual men, and you will have to settle for only
 examining the penis of your fellow homosexuals.
	If you are a heterosexual man and you are in a situation (god
 forbid) where you must use a urinal, here is a good rule of thumb...
 imagine a situation with 5 stalls.

	[1]         [2]         [3]          [4]            [5]

	If there is one man in stall #1, #2, or #3 -- always use stall #5.
 This will give the homosexual man less opportunity to carefully examine
 your penis.  It is best to always have at least one empty stall to both
 sides of you.  If you are in a situation where both stalls #2 and #4 *or*
 a situation where stalls #1, #3, and #5 are occupied... you must wait
 until one of the men is done.  This is, of course, because you would not
 want any of these homosexual men to draw skematically accurate diagrams
 of the veins of your erect penis.

 	2. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

	Some people say that homosexuality is 'wrong'.  This is a pretty
 narrow-minded opinion, however.  What someone chooses to do with their
 sexuality is entirely up to them and homosexuals can live an equally
 healthy lifestyle as us clean and morally conscious heterosexuals.
	This being said, the cause of homosexuality is usually due to an
 pussy faggot-ass father who probably wears pink dresses and cries during
 movies.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but c'mon guys...
 it's just a movie.

	3. "Where's my dinner, bitch?"

	Please do not hurt me.  I am sorry that I do not have your dinner.
 I have been working very hard and taking care of the kids and little Joey
 broke his arm and I had to take him to the hospital.  I wanted to make
 you dinner... I even imagined several possible meals based on the
 contents in our fridgerator... all thanks to your tremendously large
 salary which entirely supports our family.  I thank you for being there
 for me.  You've always been there for me.  This time I royally screwed
 up.  I will try as hard as I possibly can to never let you go without
 dinner in the future.  Once again, please accept my sincere apologies.

	4. "Could ya please spare a little change so I can eat?"

	I would spare you some change, but I'm not entirely sure how much
 the Taxi I am about to take is going to cost.  Now, I do have ten
 one-dollar bills here with me, and normally it costs about six dollars
 for me to get home from here.  Unfortunately, it's hard to tell because
 sometimes I will find myself in the midst of traffic and that can bring
 up my bill to eight dollars.  I often give the cabbie a two dollar tip,
 in addition, because, hey... he's gotta make a living.  It's hard out
 there.
	In addition, it's clear there are a number of homeless programs
 out there designed to help you out... in addition to shelters, job
 training programs, and food out-reaches.  I think it's pretty clear that
 you have failed at attempting a normal life, and for whatever twisted
 reason you obviously enjoy being homeless, you sick fuck.  I'd hate to
 give you any money because it's more than likely you'll waste it on
 alcohol or something clearly productive like smoking crack.  Although,
 maybe it's not such a waste, since I'd probably do anything I possibly
 could to forget that my life is so utterly worthless, too.
	Sorry, no change.

	5. "Do I look fat in this?"

	You do not look fat in this.
	I mean, women naturally have a little bit more weight on them as
 compared to men, and that's a perfectly normal thing.
	Why are you asking me for my opinion anyway?  Are you worried that
 I will dump you if you DO look to fat in this?  Are you worried that a
 world of potential admirers will have less respect for you simply because
 of your weight?  Why are you so interested in what other people think,
 anyway?
	Ah, yes, this is Socratic method.  I am answering your question
 with a question.  Perhaps your have a negative self-image.  Granted, 98%
 of the women in the world do, for a variety of reasons.  Here in America,
 women are bombarded with literally thousands and thousands of subtle (and
 not-so-subtle) messages through the media, telling them exactly what
 level of weight should be considered attractive.  It's quite likely that
 you haven't really evaluated this set of superficial, social norms--and
 if so, it's pretty clear that you, as a woman, have been pathetically
 suckered into fulfilling the desired image from some snotty-nosed
 corporate executive's idea of what should give him a boner.
	In conclusion, fuck you.

	6. "Why can't I pee and poop at the same time?"

	There are some mysteries that modern science has still yet to
 solve.   Some research has been done on this question, but the only
 yielding results thus far have been:

	- Your shit stinks.

	- It stings when you pee in someone's eyeball.

	- If you are taking a shower with a fellow scientific researcher,
          it's a real hoot to pee on their leg.

	7. "What?"

	I humbly and respectfully requested that you shut your fucking
 trap, you STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.
	Just kidding.  Really, I was making a simple inquiry as
 to why you were miraculously not dead yet, since I could imagine you
 doing something to end your life fairly easily because you're such a
 STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.
	I'm just teasin'!  Actually, there was a very good reason
 I muffled my voice in a way that you couldn't hear what I said.

	8. "Have you beaten this joke to death yet?"

	Yes, much like 95% of Saturday Night Live skits, I have taken one
 remotely silly idea and repeated it over and over again until there is no
 semblance of humor in it.  This FAQ was not in any way informative, and I
 have failed my duties as a text file author.  It may be time to close
 down the newsgroup until something useful can come out of this mess I
 have created.  Then again, perhaps I should stop beating myself up over
 this affair and keep my chin up.  There will be other t-files, there will
 be other days.
	I love me for me!

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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!              HOE #953, BY MOGEL - 12/14/99 ]