196 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
196 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #695
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "A Tourist Guide to Dubuque, Iowa"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 6/18/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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Are you planning a vacation this year? Have you already visited such
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hot spots as New York, Miami, Los Angeles, and Branson? Did you spend the
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last few years already in Paris, Rome, London, and Berlin? Has visiting
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Disneyland, Disneyworld, and every generic theme park gotten old?
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There's only one place left for you to fulfill the greatest in all
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your vacation needs: Dubuque, Iowa!
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A Little About Dubuque:
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=======================
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Dubuque, Iowa is a fairly good sized town (for Iowa, that is) of
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65,000. It is located on the eastern border of Iowa, right on the
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Mississippi, and on the borders of Wisconsin and Illinois. The population
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is 97% white and 95% Roman Catholic, made up mostly of senior citizens and
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angst-ridden youth. Dubuque is home to 3 colleges and many tavern softball
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teams.
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Dubuque was founded in the late 1800s by Julien Dubuque, one of those
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european guys who conquered native americans and wore furs on his head.
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Dubuque is home to the Julien Inn, which at one point was one of Al
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Capone's "legitimate" businesses. Al Capone was a big fan of East Dubuque
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strip joints, so it is said.
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Dubuque County has been identified (somehow) as the #1 county in the
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country for marijuana abuse, and is the #2 city in the WORLD for beer
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consumption, second only to Munich, Germany.
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Getting To Dubuque:
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===================
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*Plane: Dubuque features the ever-handy Dubuque Regional Airport,
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which has commuter flights from surrounding areas (this includes Chicago's
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O'Hare airport). You will arrive on the tiny landing strip in one of the
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finest of two-engine turbulence-emphasising airplanes that the city of
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Dubuque can buy.
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*Greyhound Bus: The Julien Inn has been kind enough to lend space
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in one of its tiny basement rooms to host a Greyhound terminal. Enjoy your
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time there in lovely downtown Dubuque (note to ladies: it is best to wear
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your purses with the strap across your neck as opposed to simply over your
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shoulder during your stay downtown. It would also be advisable to carry
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mase and scream whenever you see a black person, should you happen to
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actually see any while in Iowa whatsoever).
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*Car: Many highways travel through, around, and over Dubuque. It is
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best to drive a car with a minimum V-6 engine to navigate the hills, and a
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very strong suspension to keep from getting carsick over the potholes.
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Places to stay in Dubuque:
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==========================
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*Nice hotels: Ummm.
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*Decent hotels: There are plenty of decent hotels, with pools and
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what not, and rooms that are decently tolerable. In fact, it is nearly
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impossible NOT to find an open room, so there is never any need to make
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reservations.
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*Roach motels: You can always find a room at the Fulton Motel, the
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Siesta Motel, or the Canfield Hotel. Daily, weekly, or monthly rates are
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available, should you plan an extra-long stay.
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Tourist Things To Do in Dubuque:
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================================
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*Historic Dubuque: Ride the 4th Street Elevator, the shortest AND
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steepest outdoor elevator in existence! Check out the Riverboat Museum and
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the William M. Black steamboat! Go shopping at all the tiny, rustic,
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historic little shops downtown while avoiding being hit by the "wonderful"
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driving skills of the Dubuque population! Visit the Ham House, the home of
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some old rich dead guy! And for the more sophisticated tastes, stop by the
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Old Jail Art Gallery!
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*The River: Look at the Mississippi. Wow.
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*Riverboat Rides: Take a relaxing spin on the Spirit of Dubuque, a
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cute little paddlewheel that takes daily rides in big circles.
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*Gambling: Try Dubuque Greyhound Park And Casino, Diamond Jo
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Riverboat Casino, or the Silver Eagle Riverboat Casino for all your gambling
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needs. Contact any family reunion in the area if you wish to wager your
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hand on euchre, the Dubuque card game of choice. Or, try almost any local
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tavern and get swindled by a pool hustler.
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*Shopping: Don't get into those cute little historic downtown shops?
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Try Kennedy Mall, home to almost 30 stores! (Note to investors: plenty of
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space is available, should you decide to open your own business in this
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charming area of the midwest!)
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Other nearby areas of interest:
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===============================
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*Dyersville: only 30 minutes outside of Dubuque, is home to the
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authentic Field of Dreams (from the big Hollywood movie)! While there, also
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check out the Ertl Farm Toy Museum!
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*Galena, Illinois: Just like Dubuque, only smaller and more
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expensive.
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Annual Events in Dubuque:
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=========================
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*DubuqueFest (sometime in May): An arts and crafts show in Washington
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Park, jazz music in the Town Clock Plaza, bingo by the Dubuque Colts
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Marching Band, and lots of beer, all located in historic downtown Dubuque.
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*RiverFest (sometime in September): An arts and crafts show in
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Washington Park, jazz music in the Town Clock Plaza, bingo by the Dubuque
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Colts Marching Band, and lots of beer, all located in historic downtown
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Dubuque.
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*Catfish Festival (end of June): A traveling carnival down by the
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Mississippi River in Marina Park! Come see your favorite washed-out 70s and
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80s bands play, or punch a carny! There is also one day of all-you-can-eat
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grilled catfish for the low price of $12.99.
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Cultural Dubuque:
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=================
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Ummm.
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Everyday things to do in Dubuque:
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=================================
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*Get in a traffic accident: this is virtually inevitable in Dubuque.
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Be wary of the multitude of ridiculous one-way streets, badly-designed exit
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and entrance ramps, plethora of absent stop signs, and overabundance of
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drivers that have never had a license. Note: if you don't want to be
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recognized as a tourist, then regard all stop signs as yield signs or
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disregard them entirely. Also be aware that nobody from Wisconsin has ever
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figured out what a turn signal is.
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*Go to church, then drink yourself silly at a bar: Within every 6
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blocks, you will be able to see a church AND a tavern. No matter what your
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denomination or drinking preference, Dubuque will satisfy!
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What the locals do for fun:
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===========================
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*East Dubuque, Illinois: The perfect place to wile away your late
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evening hours! Wisconsin Avenue features not only the East Dubuque police
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station, but also an exciting collection of strip joints and dance clubs, as
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well as ordinary everyday taverns!
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*Perkins: Especially great after a night in East Dubuque, Perkins is
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right off Highway 20 and is open 24 hours. Early evenings feature a rich
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crowd of teenage girls and frat boys, while after 3am the best in drunken
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assholes take the stage for a night of entertainment that can't be found
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anywhere else!
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*Mallwalking: Middle-aged women, listen up! Strap on a walkman and a
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tight-fitting leotard and join the others like you at Kennedy Mall for a few
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hours of invigorating Power Walking! Seniors, there are groups for you,
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also!
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*Bingo: The Tri-State Blind Society hosts a wild and wooly game of
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bingo, as well as most churches in the area. If you love bingo, you'll love
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Dubuque!
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*Bowling and Mini-Golf: Once in a while, there's not league bowling,
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and you can enjoy a nice afternoon drinking beer and bowling until you can't
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bowl anymore. East Dubuque and Dubuque feature 2 mini-golf courses, and on
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32nd street, Dubuque also has the finest in glow-in-the-dark mini golf EVERY
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NIGHT (along with karaoke)!
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Local Recommendations:
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======================
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*Get really drunk and pretend you were never here.
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #695 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 6/18/99 ]
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