textfiles/magazines/HOE/hoe-0663.txt

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   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #663
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888             "Retards Look Like Sea Cows"
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8
    888     888 888      888 888    "                  by Effy
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o               5/31/99
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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        The day started out like any Sunday.  One of those lazy days that if
 lived every day could constitute as the perpetrator of a fat ass.  I
 planned on sleeping in late, sliding out of bed at a reasonably early hour
 (in the afternoon), bogarting as much coffee as possible, and dying my hair
 that funky chocolate cherry color from feria that would make people want to
 lick my head on sight (well, not really), and finally throwing my idleness
 to the wind by tackling that ungodly prospectus for my economics class.

        However, this Sunday turned out much different.

        I woke at a reasonable hour, what time I do not recall, but I think
 it was close to noon.  Feeling rather sluggish because I'd been ritualizing
 at Perkins till the wee hours of the morning the night before, I dragged
 ass upstairs to make some coffee.

        I got two dozen of these huge roses from a secret admirer or
 something on Friday.  My parents began terrorizing me again to find out who
 they were from, but since I still didn't know, I raised a fair amount of
 hell while screaming, exasperated, that I didn't know, I probably never
 would, and frankly I didn't care because any guy who had enough lint in his
 brain to fall for me was probably just a greasy dust ball anyway.

        I was saved by the telephone bell thankfully.  It was Eddie.  Lucky
 him and Tom.  They got to meet Marilyn Manson the night before at the
 Madison show.  I practically bit the phone in half from envy, but proceeded
 to swallow more nerve-wracking caffeine instead.

        They asked if I wanted to go to a movie.  I said sure, so I showered,
 got dressed, cashed in my spare change (I'd just given my mom my last 50
 bucks an hour before for my Docs), picked up Tom, and cruised on over to
 Eddie's trailor, where we saw first hand Eddie's sly attempt to capture
 Manson on video.  I was pretty impressed, I must admit, even though you
 could only see Manson for about a second, but that second was a risk for
 Eddie's life.  If Manson's body guard had seen that camera, he would've
 shoved it so far up his ass that we could watch Eddie's bowl movements
 first hand.

        We parked the car in front of Shopko, 'cause it was awhile before
 the movie was going to start.  Eddie and I demonstrated major league by
 hitting Barney's fuckhead friend with a baseball bat all the way over into
 the office furniture section.  Tom and Eddie randomly ripped open bags and
 scared the crap out of everyone.  I stuck little rakes into the sleeves of
 my shirt and ended up looking like some brand of a metal mutant from a
 cheesy space alien film.

        Then we went to Wendy's to get a drink, and lo and behold I finally
 saw Summer (Phairgirl) for longer than a minute!  Oh mylanta!  We were both
 shocked and amazed to see each other, it was bewildering, astounding,
 exciting...!  Anyway.  She began the solicitation for going to the Hoe
 Convention, which I thought sounded pretty cool and stuff, and decided to
 give it some serious thought.  We saw Billy Bob Douche Bag too; he came
 over and wiped the shit off our table, while I proceeded to fill out a
 comment card "en espanol."

        Bad Spanish:  "Tu bano es horrible...puedo tengo tu tele numero?"
 etc., etc...

        Then some sluts came in that Eddie new and he chilled with them for
 a bit while we picked up Tom's pictures of his mutilated arm.  Lots of
 blood and napkins I must say, but good eye candy.

        Then we snuck into the Matrix and hid behind the curtain for a half
 hour.  I had Eddie's video cam to tape the movie in my backpack.  Eddie and
 Tom both almost fell asleep, and Eddie was practically snoring.

        Finally, the movie started and we strutted out from behind the
 curtain, confident that we were safe from authority.  I found suckers and
 distributed them evenly between us.  Eddie tried to tape the movie but
 stopped when it became too "intense" for him.  Awhile later, Tom went to go
 throw up and ended up bringing back some popcorn and soda, which he ended
 up throwing across the theatre.  The other people at the movie didn't utter
 a word.  They were probably scared we would've pulled out .22 calibers and
 capped all their asses.  After all, Eddie had a black cape on, and Tom had
 a long black fur coat, and I was wearing all black.  We could be some kind
 of movie-terrorist mafia.

        After the movie, we ventured over to Perkins.  I had my undies in a
 bundle because I was going to be late getting home, and it was a school
 night.  Erin, the girl who did the mutilated artwork on Tom's arm, joined
 us.  We ordered fries with bbq, mayo, and ranch sauce.  Eddie got an
 overabundance of bbq and ended up drinking it, choking, and nearly
 croaking, while Tom devoured the mayo.  I footed the bill, except for what
 Erin chipped in, even though I was only supposed to pay for one order of
 fries.  Geez.  The nice things I do for people.

        On the ride home, I was given a lesson on how to flaunt my womanly
 power, because after all, even though I'm 17, I look like I'm 14, and
 could be the source for any man's pornographic pedophilia fantasy.  I
 learned that any man having sex with a woman will visualize her as a little
 girl.  I also learned that I could be the master of any man's universe
 because I am "cute."  I am woman, hear me roar!  Grrrrrrarrrr!

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 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!      HOE #663 - WRITTEN BY: EFFY - 5/31/99 ]