204 lines
8.1 KiB
Plaintext
204 lines
8.1 KiB
Plaintext
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #642
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "AGHGHGHGHGH!"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Quarex
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 5/17/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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After reading Anjee's initial account of what she thought might
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happen at ITHINKICON (Hoe #632), I realized I had to write my own account.
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Of course, my account is actually what really WILL happen, as I know all.
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Besides, she did a similar thing by writing a followup of sorts to my
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"Girl Vibe" magazine article. So it is only fair.
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The only problem is, she used quite a few characterizations that I
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would have, so lest I just copy her article, I had to take extreme
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liberties with characters. Any resemblance to any real people, living or
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dead, in this text file, is purely coincidental.
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THE SCENE: ITHINKICON, at the very beginning of the weekend of torment.
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Many people are finally starting to arrive, giving Quarex, who
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has been sitting in the Best Western since early June,
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something to do.
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( QUAREX sits in a chair in the middle of the room, reading some random
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videogame manual. )
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( ANJEE walks in. )
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QUAREX: Hey, Anjee! I am glad we finally got a chance to meet!
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( ANJEE looks around obliviously )
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QUAREX: Anjee? Hello?
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( EVERYBODY ELSE IN THE TEXT FILE walks in )
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TASHA: hey anj!
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CAITLIN: hi anjee!!
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ANJEE: hi tash, hi cait. i hope you guys liked my itic predictions
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cause i dont like them at all.
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QUAREX: I did not know it was possible to speak in lowercase.
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TASHA: yes it is. i have always spoken in lowercase.
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ANJEE: who are you talking to, tasha?
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QUAREX: I hate all of you.
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PHAIRGIRL: I totally hate this one guy at Wendy's.
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PEZMONKEY: god, i hate my roommate! she sucks! she spilled her herbal
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tea all over my computer and her exotic panties! i hate her!
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* QUAREX has placed SLINDSEY on his ignore list.
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ROTTENZ: Drew, this is real life, you don't have an ignore list.
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* QUAREX has placed ROTTENZ on his ignore list.
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ROTTENZ: You are a fat, fat piggy.
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TANADEPT: Anna is a fat, fat piggy.
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SEAYA: anna is a ca . . oops, i mean, luv! luvlvuvluvL! lvuLuiK&!#$
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LVUL&#*$R@
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( TRILOBYTE walks in, carrying a boombox blasting 70s electronic music,
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LIFELIKE follows him, paying rapt attention )
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TRILOBYTE: you know, this band is fantastic. on a similar note, the other
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day, i was walking down daniel street and ran into cynthia, my
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third ex-girlfriend to feature an abnormal sexual behavior.
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speaking of which, the omelette i had this morning was too big.
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as long as i am on the subject, i tried to find my counselor
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the other day, . . .
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( TRILOBYTE has continued walking throughout this speech, and walks out
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the same way he walked in, still talking, LIFELIKE in tow )
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MURMUR: did somebody say something about indie record labels?
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QUAREX: Man, that Murmur joke is SO three years ago. Nobody even
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fucking knows who Murmur is anymore. Go away, Murmur.
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ALTROCKS: Fear......... fear atracts the fearful......... The strong,
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the weak, the inocent............. Fear is my ally.........
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SOYBEAN: teehee
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TANADEPT: Katie is sleepy! Sleepykatie! Katie! Sleepy!
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SOYBEAN: teehee
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TANADEPT: KATIE IS SLEEPY! SLEEPY. . . KATIE. . . IS. . . SLEEPY. . .
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MALFUNCTION. . . KATIESLEEPYKATIESLEEPYANNACATLUVSLEEPYANNACAT
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( STANADEPT violently sparks and hisses, then explodes, showering the
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room in robotic parts. )
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SOYBEAN: teehee
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QUAREX: God, this con is gonna fucking RULE!
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*** Signoff: Nightvere (Ping Timeout)
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TASHA: WHERE IS ISAAC?!?!!? I *HEART* ISAAAAAAAC!!!!
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ISAAC: The rumours are true. I am here. Let it be known that my love
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for Tasha is like a truck, berzerker.
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TASHA: DREW THATS NOT AT ALL WHAT ISAAC IS LIKE
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QUAREX: Look, I have never fucking read a single thing he wrote or seen
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him on IRC. I have no fucking idea what he is like.
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TASHA: oh.
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QUAREX: Jeeze.
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KYUSAKU: drew, check out the file i just sent you.
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QUAREX: I already saw that a few months ago, RJ.
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( KYUSAKU begins to cry. )
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EVOL: don't cry, rj. it'll be okay.
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METALCHIC: psst, evol, we no longer exist on the material plane.
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EVOL: oh, right.
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( METALCHICK and EVOL disappear in a cloud of neon black smoke. )
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QUAREX: Bring on the dancing girls! *clap clap*
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( GLYNIS appears and does a striptease for QUAREX. )
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APOLLO_: Where the hell have I been lately?
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( HARDKORE falls over dead for no apparent reason. )
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VOND: hey drew. this is a hologram. i am in colorado.
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QUAREX: Hey Owen's hologram. Whazzup.
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AIDS: WHAZZZUP GUYYYYSSSSSSSSSS!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
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QUAREX: Hi, AIDS. Nice to meet you!
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AIDS: AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA WHAZZUP!?!?!? WHAZZUP!?!?!??!?!?! KLAUS
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MOTHER-FUCKING-KINSKI!!!!! WHAZZUP!?!!?!! AHAHAHAH
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MIASMA: Mi casa es bueno! Yo trabajo muchisimo con pollo! Yo deseo
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dormir con Tasha!
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TASHA: ummmmm. . .
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PEZMONKEY: it's like trying to fight gravity on a planet that insists
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that love is like falling and falling is like this.
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STYX: which one of you underage ladies will strip for me first?
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( CAITLIN giggles and starts taking her clothes off. TASHA stops her. )
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( ANJEE giggles and starts taking her clothes off. CAITLIN stops her. )
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( QUAREX giggles and starts taking her clothes off. ANJEE stops her. )
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GWEEDS: which of you ladies finds my pseudointellectualism and faux
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latino name the most appealing, and wants to fuck me?
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( MEENK bursts through the floor of the hotel and leaves with GWEEDS. )
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QUAREX: Damn. I was hoping Meenk would at least get naked before
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bursting through the floor and leaving with Gweeds.
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KREID: I FUCKED FIVE FUCKING FAT FAGS FRIDAY
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MOGEL: Hi guys.
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QUAREX: About time you got here. Now maybe things will make a little
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more sense.
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MOGEL: I brought these guns, one for each of us! Time to end it all!
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QUAREX: Eh, uh, what?
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( MOGEL hands out guns to everyone at the con. QUAREX, ROTTENZ and
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SWISSPOPE refuse guns. )
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ROTTENZ: I want to have unprotected vaginal intercourse with you, Mogel.
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KREID: I FUCKING HAVE AIDS
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SWISSPOPE: how come this is my first line?
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( EVERYONE WITH A GUN opens fire on SwissPope. )
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SWISSPOPE: Et tu, Quarex?
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QUAREX: No, idiot, I did not have a gun.
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SWISSPOPE: oh, right.
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( SWISSPOPE dies. )
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ANONGIRL: oh no. swisspope is dead. oh, my love. i am so distraught.
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smoking, brb.
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STEEV: Wheedle whoopers doodle biddle bonky.
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JAMESY: You are dumb, Steev.
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UBERFIZZ: I am the needle in your vein
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ALL: AND I CONTROL YOU!
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QUAREX: So, Mog, what is the next event on the itinerary?
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MOGEL: Synchronized Orgasm.
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QUAREX: Count me out.
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MOGEL: Let's go, Faggos!
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( EVERYONE except QUAREX, ROTTENZ and ANJEE leaves. )
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ROTTENZ: What now, fatty?
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ANJEE: im fat, i know.
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ROTTENZ: I was not talking to you, Darth Sarcastus.
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ANJEE: nobody else is here.
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QUAREX: I really do fucking hate all of you. Man, not only did I not
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get any, but no girls even got drunk and naked.
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( PHAIRGIRL staggers in, drunk and naked. )
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QUAREX: Oh, well, I guess that is something.
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( PHAIRGIRL falls into a Meenk-shaped hole in the ground. )
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QUAREX: That was probably for the best.
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ROTTENZ: What do we do now, big-head?
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QUAREX: There is only one thing we can do. Strut.
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( QUAREX and ROTTENZ escape Philadelphia, victorious, H0E #700 in hand. )
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #642 - WRITTEN BY: QUAREX - 5/17/99 ]
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