textfiles/magazines/HOE/hoe-0406.txt

 '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #406 !!
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  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##:::::::     "Jacques Cousteau is An Alien and    !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######:::        Still Threatens This Planet!"     !!
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  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: Why You Should Not "Get Your Rocks Off". !!
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 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by -> Astray Heart                1/7/99 !!
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        Because ROCKS are gradually eroded to SAND, and the mudshark
 would not be much fun to have sex with as its skin is so SANDY (not
 Sandy, though I can't imagine that would be much fun to have sex with
 either), and eventually one becomes BARREN and turned into a PILLAR OF
 SALT like LOT'S WIFE, and all for having BIG ROCK-LIKE LUST!

        This is why Rock and Roll is a COMMUNIST CONSPIRACY PLATONIC
 PLOT as opposed to, in the words of DePugh (Mason & Dixon, page two
 hundred something), "Surf Music!"

        Furthermore, the surf, the foamy brine, pounds the beat yea
 verily even unto OUTER SPACE.  This is because there is an eldritch and
 indefagitable likeness between these two frontiers--between the mighty
 humpback and the clarion cry of the arriving UFO.  This is seen in the
 mighty outer space surf band "Man or Astroman?", and in more humble,
 that is to say, on-topic, terms, in the "Surf Version" of Interstellar
 Overdrive on the "Rhamadam" bootleg, and of course in the ORIGINAL
 lyrics to "Echoes", which were in OUTER SPACE, but travelled to
 UNDERWATER for no other purpose than to alert all of us to the
 suffocation that lies beyond our grasp.

        For it is that we live in the land of AIR, but when that
 apparatus is sucked from us, whether we live in the dark vacuum of the
 Crab Nebula or the roiling pressures of the Marianas Trench, THERE IS
 THE FACE OF GOD!  !!NYES!!  JACQUES COUSTEAU IS AN ALIEN AND STILL
 THREATENS THIS PLANET!

        This despite the sea realms being infested with salt, the
 granulated pustules pounding amongst sand and rock.  Salt, the trojan
 horse of rock-nature, is not QUITE the evil that sand and rock is--Jesus,
 for instance--someone who has been unjustly and unfairly bound to JHVH,
 BTW--called his followers "The salt of the earth", but also raised the
 spectre of corruption: "If salt goes flat, what is it to be salted
 with?" Though it is not commonly known now, salt CAN go flat just a
 cola (of which more in ANOTHER excerpt from the exegesis, BTW) can--and
 it is that absence of tang, of zest, which proves fatal to what
 otherwise is a mediating presence.

        Yes, there is more salt in heaven and earth than is dreamt of in
 your philosophy.  Where does it come from?  It is in some ways rocklike--
 but it does not have the stark grandiosity of rock.  Indeed, unlike rock
 it is SOLUBLE--and that which can worm its way into water is surely not
 inutile!  Furthermore, salt is a mark of fertility.  As all you women,
 and I'm sure quite a few of you men, know from experience, the spark of
 life tastes of salt.  But even despite this, it is NOT a pleasant thing
 to swallow.  It is procreative, flavorful, but most of all, a work of
 danger.

        For Jesus makes this clear: SALT IS POWER.  Salt, which can
 irritate the eyes, being (again in the words of Jesus), a mote in
 one's eye, has power to destroy.  It may sting and blind one's enemies--
 its zest may overpower the bland flavors favored by the Puritans and
 willy-nilly pussywhippers of Normality.  Salt can melt ice--can break
 stasis.  It can be, in the words of Niven and Pournelle, the mote in
 GOD's eye, and indeed shall contribute greatly to make that as yet
 unnamed god commence to rubbing mightily.  But it can ALSO overpower
 the subtle humours of life, can reduce flavor to only so much sharp
 gristle.  It is, indeed, one of the greatest weapons of that defiled
 and blasphemous BLIND IDIOT GOD himself!

        WHY do you think these realms are so INHOSPITABLE to man?  Why
 can we survive for years in the desert, why indeed where the MOST
 ENDURING MONOTHEISTIC RELIGIONS OF OUR TIME FOUNDED THERE?  Why is the
 most famous sea in the Holy Land the DEAD SEA, a sea POISONED, awash
 in salt-tasting droplets?  What is the Dead Sea but a stagnant pool of
 the SPUNK GENERATED BY A ROGUE ATTEMPT TO EMULATE THE ONANISTIC
 FERTILITY OF THE EGYPTIAN WHO BROUGHT THE FERTILE CRESCENT TO LIFE?

        And what impotent would-be God, what meddler in the ways of
 fate, has done all this?  Who has made us in weakness, who has bred us
 with his debased monkey-people, VERILY, WHO SMITES US WHEN WE CLIMB TO
 THE ROOFS OF THE EARTH AND CRY OUT OUR FREEDOM?  WHO IS THE MAN BEHIND
 THE CURTAIN?  It is none other than the WILL OF THE FOUL TEMPTER
 JEHOVAH HIMSELF, he who would cut us apart from what breeds us, the
 petulant alcoholic investment banker from BEYOND THE STARS acting once
 more as the control-freak he knows he is, genetically engineering us to
 DIE upon facing TRUE "ALIEN"--that is, "YETI"--knowledge without the
 gimmicks and gimcracks of modern life.

        For in that much, Plato and even Descartes were right--there IS
 a veil of lies keeping us from what we know.  BUT THEY WERE THE
 UNWITTING SERVITORS OF THOSE VERY LIES!  The "mad genius" Jehovah set
 up his impossible standards of truth THROUGH those agents, and THEY
 FELL FOR IT!  THE SUCKERS!  Every rock, all that is DEAD, all that
 aligns BEING from NON-BEING, is excaberated by one mad god, and it
 lies to US to end his eternity of strife, to strike down his reign of
 terror.  And we shall.  Sooner... or later.

        And with Jehovah, of course, comes Jehovah's hypocritical and
 base attempts at instituting "sexual morality".  We all know the
 abominations of Leviticus.  In fact, it seems that JHVH's opposition to
 sex seems to encompass every sort of sex that is fun.  This is the kind
 of sex you wind up with when you attempt to "get your rocks off"--drab
 and hurried procreative misery.  Children, remember this: If you must
 have sex--as indeed you must--take care not to do it in the mold of
 Jehovah.  There is a better way!

        No, if thou wouldst "get off", in de vernacular, one must
 remember to FLOW AS WATER, indeed, like the RAGING TORRENT OF
 PUSSY-JUICES or indeed for you male sewer-minded types, a VERITABLE
 FOUNTAIN OF SPOO arching off into the heavens, or perhaps just dripping
 down like a leaky faucet depending on the last time you employed
 "digital manipulation".

        In short, children, do NOT get your rocks off--it is fucking the
 way THEY want you to, not the way YOU want to.  Never flow as sand.
 ALWAYS flow as water.  Amen.

        P.S.:  do vegetables count as sexual partners?

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 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #406, WRITTEN BY: ASHTRAY HEART - 1/7/99 !!