textfiles/magazines/HOE/hoe-0396.txt

 '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #396 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
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  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Macking Methods: A Rebuttal"            !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Quarex                             !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/4/99                                   !!
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      Now, first of all, I obviously did not read Mogel's macking
 article, as I am a guy, and that was not allowed.  However, I had a girl
 read it and dictate the entire article to me, so I am therefore able to
 add my own personal slant on macking methods.

      Now that this is all cleared up, I will dive right the fuck in.

      Mogel points out several devious and evil macking techniques in his
 excellent article, all of which girls should indeed learn to recognize
 and avoid.  Well, most of them, anyway, other than the antisocial
 computerboy mack, since I have used that one myself on a few occasions,
 and it has been the only way I have ever gotten a date in my life.  So
 ladies, go easy on me when I default to using that one again in the
 future.  Antisocial computerboys have no malice towards you.  We just
 really are antisocial (Well, I am not anti-social, but still) computer
 boys.

      Now, on with my rebuttal, which is honestly nothing more than an
 open-ended attack on women with the claim of being a rebuttal to a
 legitimate article.

      I have been actively seeking a girlfriend since my sophomore year
 in high school, which was over five years ago now.  I have only succeeded
 in getting a girlfriend once in this time, which was earlier this year,
 and the relationship lasted about 2 1/2 months.

      Now, I realize most of you already know this, but there are
 probably a good one or two of you who have not already heard my
 lame-as-all-hell-who-gives-a-shit-Quarex stories of my many attempted
 relationships.  In that time, I tried many macking techniques, all of
 which failed miserably and horribly aside from the pathetic computerboy
 mack, which Mogel already covered.  So, here, I will list all of the
 macking techniques which I have tried and had explode quite miserably in
 my face.

      The "I like you and want to date you" mack.  This mack is rather
 simple, if you think about it.  It basically involves getting to know a
 girl through any method, in my case, talking to her a lot at school, and
 having her say she would not be objected to going to see a movie with me.
 Once we had seen the movie and hung out a few more times, I figured the
 obvious next step was to tell her that I wanted to date her, but that did
 not seem to be accomplishing anything, and it eventually just led to the
 girl crying all the time and solidifying my relationship as "Only guy she
 has ever turned down."  That made me feel good.

      The "I like you" mack.  Very similar to the previous mack, this
 mack came into being because someone told me that I had to not make it as
 obvious that I wanted the girl to be my girlfriend.  So, I just hung out
 with the next girl a lot, and one day asked her out, and so she started
 dating this other dude.  Then, when she was done with that dude, she
 hinted that she liked me, and started dating another dude, who she dated
 for ages.  That mack obviously did not work, either.

      The "I am rather neutral towards you" mack.  This mack showed me
 learning from my past two mistakes, and just treating the girl like
 someone I kinda liked, but not really one way or another.  One day after
 we had known each other for a long time, I asked her out, and she had
 the usual get scared and run away reaction.

      I started trying different forms of macks entirely at some point,
 too.

      The "You have told me repeatedly that I am the most entertaining
 and awesome person you know, so why the fuck did you just date a guy who
 you say you have always found boring and annoying" mack.  In this mack,
 I become the most fantastic guy that the girl has ever met, and
 instantly become undatable as a result.  Girls are smart, they only date
 guys who they can write off as soon as they break up with by saying "He
 was boring and annoying, anyway."  What would a girl say if she ever had
 to break up with me?  There would be no good reason, so that obviously
 cannot happen.

      The "I am treating you with a great deal of respect" mack.  Girls
 do not want you to respect them, plain and simple.

      The "This girl has told me she wants me for two years" mack.  I
 found this mack to be particularly ineffective, despite the fact that
 normally a girl who has wanted you for years does not turn you down if
 you ask her out.  However, since I am Quarex, that is exactly what
 happened.

      The "You should get pregnant" mack.  I really wanted this one
 girl, then she got pregnant.  I still asked her to a movie, since she
 was a cool person, and was still hot, since she was not showing.  She
 always talked about how much she wanted to hang out with me sometime.
 So, she postponed our date when I called her to ask when I should pick
 her up, then the next few times I called, she did not return my calls.
 I got the hint after that.  Yes, when a girl tells you she wants to
 hang out with you, it means "I am terrified of you and thus am telling
 you this so you will go away."

      The "Wow, you asked me to homecoming?  You must like me!" mack.
 This mack is also relatively simple.  You just wait for the girl to ask
 you to her Homecoming dance.  When the girl is extremely attractive, it
 is even more fun to execute this mack.  Now, when homecoming is over,
 and you have had a really good time, make sure to revel in the fact that
 she starts dating a dude who she finds completely useless the next week.

      The "You just dated my best friend based on the fact that he has
 a very warped perspective of life, yet you turned me down last year, and
 have often said the same thing about me" mack.  In this mack, the guy
 who has an earring and short hair can always outdo the dude with no
 earring and long hair.  People with warped perspectives on life, take
 heed.

      The "You were all over me at that party, and now you are all over
 me all the time, including holding hands with me while your boyfriend
 was around, yet you said while drunk that you would never, ever want to
 date me" mack.  Even though I did not try this mack on a girl I
 particularly wanted to date, as attractive and fun as she is, it is
 still a good lesson to learn.  If a girl makes it a habit of demanding
 you hug her all the time, and likes touching you a lot, and has a
 boyfriend, then she is most likely using you for some kind of bizarre
 outlet, since she knows she will never feel any desire to date you.  You
 can at least take solace in the fact that you are not so hideously
 unattractive that you are unfit to be used as a sexual toy.

      Those are all the macks I have used in my process of being turned
 down or rejected before I even had a chance to ask out ~15 girls.  This
 file is being provided for anyone out there who either aspires to be as
 pathetic as me someday, and wants to know how to do it, or aspires to be
 the antithesis of Quarex, and someday meet me in lethal combat.

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 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!      #396 -- WRITTEN BY QUAREX -- 1/4/98 !!