214 lines
9.6 KiB
Plaintext
214 lines
9.6 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #345 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Selected Witty Retorts !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: For Completely Desperate Idiots" !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: by Mogel 12/14/98 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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Conversation is dangerous, especially if you're stupid. Most
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often the danger comes from the always-present potential that a deadly
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verbal bomb might be unleashed -- dispensing its raw, verbal damage into
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unsuspecting victims. Yes, I'm referring to the awesome power of the
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witty retort.
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A witty retort can do just so many things. It can earn you much
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deserved respect from your peers for you being "clever". It can impress
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someone you are trying to romance by having them think you are "clever."
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It can also brighten those dark moments in your life -- because even if
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life sucks, at least you're "clever". As you can see, it's obvious that
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if you use witty retorts you are clever.
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At this point you might be noticing this word I keep using --
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clever. This would imply that there's some form of thought process
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involved in the act of spouting a witty retort. This is true. A true
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witty retortist is very much like a kung-fu master. Not only is it
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difficult to tell who might be a Master of the art, but they are also
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have the ability to inflict great damage onto anyone. You, too, should
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aspire to be this end. When the last day of earth comes, I want you to
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be the zany guy, standing on a mountain, saying, "see you guys tomorrow!
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hyuk, hyuk!"
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For now, though, you're stupid. I can relate. Therefor, as
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training I've composed a relatively short list of witty retorts that
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you are free to steal from me and use as a defense against would-be
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verbal assassins. Good luck.
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!!========================================================================!!
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Technique #1: Pretend you didn't hear them.
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===========================================
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Simply ignoring someone who is harassing you would be easy and
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mature, which is obviously not what we want. I'm not referring to that.
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This technique requires a little bit of acting. You need to scrunch up
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your face, look confused, and act as if you didn't hear them correctly.
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Now simply acting as if you didn't correctly hear them would be too much
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of a cop out -- and it would also give them the opportunity to repeat
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their same stupid joke again.
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Instead, I propose you suggest various alternative things the
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offending party might (or blatantly wouldn't) have said. This takes
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quick-thinking, as whatever you choose should at least sound remotely
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similar. If all else fails, just say, "your what hurts?" Here's some
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examples:
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Them: I'm gonna kick your ass.
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You: You have a lot of gas? Huh?
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Them: You're such a dumb faggot.
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You: You anal rape Bob Saget? Huh??
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Them: I'm going to shoot you with my gun.
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You: Your what hurts?
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Technique #2: Attack people with obvious physical flaws.
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========================================================
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Adopted from the infamous Grade School Bully, it's always quick
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and easy to attack people's most strikingly obvious insecurities. It
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serves its purpose of being a snappy thing to say to someone, however,
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the one weakness to this technique is the Obvious Factor -- that is,
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the probability that after enough times being insulted on a specific
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thing, the victim might start developing witty retorts of their very
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own to deal with you.
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Don't worry, of course -- there are various ways to get around
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this. Most notably, do this: be annoying as shit.
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Also as an interesting-yet-tragic side note, the very people
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with obvious physical flaws are the most common to use this technique
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against each other. Like watching television, you can virtually watch
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their projected insecurities pass along each other like a virus. It's
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eerie.
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Here's what you do.
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Mr. Repeat
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----------
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Them: Excuse me, do you have the time?
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You: Yes, but you're fat.
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Them: Uhm... that's pretty rude.
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You: Okay, but you're fat.
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Them: Bye, asshole.
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You: That's interesting. You're fat.
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Mr. Questions
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-------------
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You: how on earth did you get so ugly?
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Them: Excuse me?
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You: I mean really, were you dropped on your head as a child? Were you
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put into a special summer camp as a child? What was it like
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growing up, being ugly, in such a cosmetic and superficial world?
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It must have been hard.
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Technique #3: The sneaky explitive.
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===================================
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These are slightly more advanced than just blurting out simple
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phrases like "Fuck you", which wouldn't be considered witty at all (even
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if it's much more useful and funny at times). This simply requires you
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"setting up" an surprise insult. This takes creativity, which is hard
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if you're stupid, so I'll give you a few suggestions.
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You: Would you like some soda?
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Them: Okay.
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You: How about a can of SHUT THE HELL UP!
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You: I want to go on a trip.
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Them: To where?
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You: I was thinking about visiting SHUT THE HELL UP!
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Obviously this technique begs for the pseudo-witty literal humor
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reply, "I've never had that soda before," or "Are there any malls
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there?" If this is done, repeat this again and again until they leave.
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Technique #4: I am in 2nd grade.
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================================
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This technique uses something called a "sarcastic tone." A
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sarcastic tone is a way of speaking in which what you are saying isn't
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really what you mean. Sometimes it can even be that you mean the exact
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opposite of what you say. Ocassionaly even *I* will use sarcasm.
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Sarcasm is a useful tool.
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Here are two of the most basic and easy sarcastic techniques
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ever imaginable.
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Simply repeat whatever is said to you in a really whiney,
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high-pitched voice. This implies "mockery". The imitated victim will
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feel a sense of doubt on if you respect what they are saying.
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You can also easily default to the always common "yeah, right."
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or "suuure."
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Technique #5: Fawning affection.
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================================
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If someone becomes very obnoxious, another sarcastic technique
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is to compliment what they do or say in excess. Here are some examples:
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Them: You're as stupid as a rock.
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You: That was a very clever insult and I'd imagine it took you a great
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deal of time to research and compose that. I should write it down
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and use it for my own collection of clever insults. In addition,
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I can't help but appreciate the use of an almost poetic simile.
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Them: Huh? Look, give me all your money and I won't shoot you with
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my gun.
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You: My, you look so tough with that shiny revolver. And your
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voice... it's so menacing and strong.
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Technique #6: Join generation-x!
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================================
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This technique is absolutely brilliant if you want people to
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think you're way too smart to even be talking to them. It doesn't
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matter what they say, intelligent or stupid, just stare them in the
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face and say "whatever." Brilliant.
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Technique #7: Dare to compare.
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==============================
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This can save you from a dangerous encounter and/or it can shred
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your victim to bits. Simply shift any attention off yourself and onto
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someone else. Here are some examples:
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Them: You're so pathetic.
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You: If *I'm* pathetic, then you must be the most pathetic person in all
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of world history.
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Them: Am I, asshole?
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You: I may be an asshole, but at least I'm not Hitler.
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Technique #8: The "you would" clause.
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=====================================
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A psychological timebomb, the "you would" clause is to be used
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against any statement with either the words "I think" or "I don't think"
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in them, as a personal opinion. For example, if someone said, "I think
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people like you belong in jail," or "I don't think [insert phrase here],"
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the appropriate reply would use either "you would" (or, if applicable,
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"you wouldn't").
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Why is this useful? Well, it's funny because no matter what
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was said, the reply "you would," will force the person to eventually
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think that you have some secret, clever, and logical attacking
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implication somewhere, even if the actual effort used in saying
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"you would" is almost a default. It's so easy it's painful. Your
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victim will be asking himself, consciously or subconsciously, "WHAT DOES
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HE MEAN 'YOU WOULD' WHEN I SAY I REALLY LOVE BREAD?"
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Technique #9: Deny that they exist.
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===================================
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This technique causes the victim to do a lot of thinking, and
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confuses most people enough to give you time to get away. Basically,
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just deny that they exist. Not in thought, just say things like,
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"You're pretending as if you really existed." or "I don't have to
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listen to you because you don't really exist."
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! #345 - WRITTEN BY: MOGEL - 12/14/98 !!
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