textfiles/magazines/HOE/hoe-0324.txt

 '##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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  ##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #324 !!
  #########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS!  !!
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  ##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "Why I Don't Eat Fondue"                 !!
  ##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Meenk                              !!
 ..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 12/9/98                                  !!
 !!========================================================================!!

        I was sitting one night in a sushi bar with my mate, Andy, and
 this bitch we knew, Pat.  Pat was on one of her usual vegan rants
 telling us how bad we were for killing animals and poisoning our bodies.
 I ordered another beer.  She went on and on about how meat is murder and
 Andy interrupted with a mildly amusing comment about being a bully to
 carrots.  I rolled my eyes and decided to go.  I could only handle so
 much drivel in one night.  I stumbled home and headed straight for my
 stash.  Nothing like a couple lines of coke and a kung fu movie to help
 you relax.  I tooted the coke and watched the end of some badly dubbed
 kung fu flick.  After the movie some fucking documentary about 3rd world
 countries came on.  I cut more lines.  Apparently the people in this
 village had to let their dead rot a bit before burying them for fear of
 their neighbours digging up their loved ones and having 'em for dinner.
 Bunch of sick chinks.

        I watched a few infomercials until I came down, then popped a
 couple pills and went to bed.  That night images of flesh eaters,
 vegans, and naked women danced in my head.  Andy was there too.  Yelling
 and preaching like a divine prophet.  I woke up the next day feeling
 empowered, vague remnants of feeling like a god clinging to me from
 dreamland.  I took a few drops of acid and drank my morning coffee.  As
 I sat reading the paper I became incredibly disgusted with the world
 and came to, what seemed to be, the only conclusion.  I called Andy.

        "Hello?"

        "Andy, it's me.  I have an idea but I need your help."

        "What's up?"

        "I want to eat people."

        <silence>

        "Andy?"

        "Are you serious?"

        "Don't I sound fucking serious?  People all over the world are
 starving.  There are too many of us on this fucking planet as it is.
 Nothing is keeping our breeding in check.  I don't see how we can NOT
 eat people."

        "Um.  You're fucking insane, dude."

        "No, I am finally sane.  I have the answer to a lot of the
 world's troubles.  Nothing bad could come of this.  Nothing."

        "I guess if you don't consider having a large bald man fucking
 your ass in prison a bad thing.."

        "That's why I need your help.  Together we CAN'T get caught."

        "You really are serious, aren't you."

        "Very."

        "Okay.  I'll help you, but if you get me caught I will be the
 one raping you in prison."

        "Werd."

        -click-

        So that's how it happened.  That is the conversation that changed
 my life.  Andy and I laid our plans carefully.  He researched butchering
 and preparing the 'long pig' while I planned how we would successfully
 pull off a murder.  Finally, all was decided except the most important
 part.  Who were we going to eat? Andy already had this figured out.

        -ring ring-

        "Hello?"

        "It's Andy.  I found the perfect person for us to consume."

        "Oh yeah? Who?"

        "Pat."

        "PAT?!"

        "Yeah.  Her meat is probably as good as a human's can get."

        "We can't eat Pat."

        "Why not?"

        "She's Pat."

        "What, you think you would miss the annoying cunt?"

        "Well, no."

        "Good.  It's settled then."

        "Why Pat?"

        "She eats only vegetables, has never touched drink nor drug, and
 she works out regularly.  Lots of meat.  Besides, she trusts us.  She
 will go anywhere with us."

        "Oh.  Okay.  Pat it is."

        -click-

        I called up Pat and invited her up to Andy's cabin for the
 weekend.  We picked her up from a gas station near her house and
 stopped by a store to get some barbeque necessities.  Pat rolled her
 eyes.  I smiled.  Andy had told her the three of us were going to fast
 for the first 2 days, then feast on the third.  Something about
 flushing out our systems.  Hers was the only one we cared about
 flushing.  Thank god Andy packed food for the two of us.  We arrived at
 the cabin and Pat went inside and began to clean.  Andy and I unpacked
 the car.  We spent the next two days hiking and canoeing, playing games
 and enjoying eachother's company.  Sunday night Andy told me it was
 time.  He disappeared outside for a while and I sat down for a final
 conversation with Pat.

        "Hey Pat."

        "Hi.  You guys seem a little sluggish.  Can't handle a little
 bit of exercise?"

        "Shut the fuck up."

        "Must be all that extra weight you guys are lugging around."

        She poked playfully at my stomach.  I smiled.

        "You are an annoying cunt, Pat."

        "Eat me."

        "I intend to."

        She laughed, putting on her haughty, untouchable attitude.  I
 smiled.  Andy came in and told us to come out to the shed.  Pat hopped
 up and followed him outside, I took a more leisurely pace.  By the time
 I got halfway to the shed Andy was inside.  As soon as Pat stepped
 through the doorway I saw a flash of steel.  The hammer hit her square
 in the head.  It made a sickening thud.  She went down like a ton of
 bricks.  Poor Pat.  I walked up and helped Andy move her onto a
 workbench where he began to cut off her clothes and tie ropes around
 her ankles and wrists.

        "That was a nasty sound man.  I am lucky I didn't get any brains
 on me when I picked her up."

        "Yeah, I hit her pretty fucking hard."

        "Think she's dead?"

        "Doesn't really matter.  If she isn't, she will be soon."

        He grabbed one rope, and I grabbed another.  We hoisted her off
 the table by her feet, securing the ropes when they were right above
 our heads.  Then we secured the ropes from her hands, hanging her at
 about a 45 degree angle.  Andy moved a huge tub underneath her head
 then handed me a knife.

        "Now what?"

        "Cut her from ear to ear."

        He grabbed her bloody, tangled hair and pulled her head up.
 Her sightless eyes staring at something not of this world.  I pressed
 the knife against her skin, just below her ear.  I took a few deep
 breaths then drew the knife across her throat, cutting as deep as I
 could manage.  An amazing amount of blood gushed from the wound and
 splattered into the tub and onto our pants.  I dropped the knife and
 vomited into the tub.  The warm blood mixing with the contents of my
 stomach.  Andy held her head up for a few minutes, her slender throat
 marred my a giant red crescent.  Then he came over to me.

        "Don't fucking lose it on me.  We are in this together man."

        "I'm okay.  Just give me a minute.  I wasn't ready for it to gush
 like that.  It was so warm and sticky.  Kinda caught me off guard.  I am
 okay now."

        I used my clean hand to cut myself a couple lines, and after
 the coke hit I began helping Andy massage the blood out of her body.
 We started at her feet, wringing as much blood from her soft tissues as
 we could.  Then Andy handed me another knife.  Starting with my first
 cut I followed his instructions and severed the skin, muscle, and tendon
 all the way around her neck.  With a twist and a yank, Andy pulled of
 her head and sat it in a bucket.  I put a rag over it.  Andy proceeded
 to slice open her abdomen, spilling her internal organs into the tub.
 He cut them free from her body and began to remove her skin.  I watched,
 rapt with emotion.  Some emotion.  I'm not sure if it was terror, or
 awe.  He cut her into quarters, leaving her lower half hanging over the
 tub.  The upper portions of her body he laid on a couple of work
 benches.  I picked up a knife.

        Without the skin, and quartered like it was, I could have been
 butchering beef.  A comforting thought, but by this point I needed no
 comfort.  The worst was over, and in retrospect, it wasn't so bad.  I
 cut filets from her shoulders and back, and cut her ribs into managable
 portions.  I didn't care much for the rest so I offered the remains to
 Andy.  He picked my quarter almost clean.  I'm just not a soup kind of
 guy.  The lower half of her body went pretty much the same way.  I took
 choice cuts of my quarter, Andy took the rest.  We separated all the
 remaining bones and placed them in Andy's kiln (he surely wasn't a
 starving artist) to dry them out so they could be pulverized.  Andy and
 I took our meat to the smokehouse behind the cabin then returned to
 clean up the mess.

        "Hey Andy, what do you want me to do with her head?"

        "Put it in the shower."

        "Uhhhhhhhh.."

        "Just kidding.  Give it to me.  I'll clean it and toss it in the
 kiln with the rest.  You go clean yourself up and have a beer."

        I did just that.  Now, as much as I love the free steak, that
 post-butcher beer is my favourite part of our weekends.  What the fuck
 am I gonna do with all this meat?

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 !! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!       #324 - WRITTEN BY: MEENK - 12/9/98 !!