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Damned Fucking Shit
Edited by Access Denied
Issue #21
Title: A Few Theories
Date: 1/15/94
By: Wonko The Sane
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A Few Theories
Well, here's a few theories about life, the universe, and
everything, but not pertaining to any one of those in particular.
These are the things I decide to realize when I'm so bored that
I've called every board in my dialing dir, twice, and have resigned
myself to sitting in bed trying, unsuccessfully, to scrape off
flaws in the paint of the walls of my room.
Theorem #1, the Pocket Change theorem.
I have yet to calculate the actual probability ratio, but, I
CAN give you an example of what I'm talking about here. Say that
you have, in your pocket, 2 Quarters, 4 Nickels, 5 Dimes, and about
4.5 billion pennies. You walk up to the counter at your favorite
place to eat lunch, and the total comes out to $5.06. [Here's where
the theorem comes in] Inevitably, you will extract from your
pocket at least 1 Quarter, 3 Dimes, and 2.23 Nickels before you
pluck out the penny you need to pay in exact change.
Theorem #2, the Soda Machine theorem.
Have you ever noticed those people in the halls swearing and
grumbling at soda machines because they refuse to take their
dollars, maybe you are one of these people. You spend hours
straightening out that dollar bill so that the machine will suck it
right up only to get it spat back out at you at least 12 times
before you go ask someone for change. Here's a news flash: Whether
or not a soda machine takes your dollar has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to
do with what condition the dollar is in. What it DOES have to do
with is how your present yourself to the machine, and your general
manner in approaching the beast. Your dollar will most definitely
be spat back out at you if you run up to the machine, with a frown
on your face and quickly try to slip it in. Your dollar most
definitely WILL be accepted if you present yourself in a friendly,
open manner. Try not to make any quick moves, and wear a smile,
it'll take it ever time. I've been testing this one for about 3
months now, haven't been rejected yet.
Theorem #3, the Time theorem.
This is the most complex, and most interesting of my theorems,
it also happens to be the hardest to understand. Say, for example,
that you're sitting in class at 11:40. You don't know what time it
is, but you do desire to know what time class ends. You have two
options. 1). You can somehow figure out what time it is, then
calculate from the first period of the day, adding the periods
together, what time class will end, subtract, and you've got how
much time is left in class.
2). You can sit blindly and wait for the bell to ring.
If you chose option one, class will end at 12:00, if you chose
option 2, class will end at 11:45. This is inevitable. SOMETHING
will happen to make sure things go according to this theory,
whether it be you forgetting to calculate something in, or the
schedule being different that day, or whatever. It will happen.
This theory presents a very large problem in testing; you must
simultaneously know, and not know, what time it is (Anyone read
"1984" ? Remember Doublethink?). Because of this I cannot
currently prove this theorem, but I'm working on it.
This is the end of my wacky theorems, look for more in future
issues of DFS.
Wonko the SANE
SimSanity Incorporated
P.S. This one really WAS written by Wonko the SANE.
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