108 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
108 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
|
<20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
<20><> <20><> <20> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
<20> <20> <20> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
BLaH <20> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
File <20><><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> Written Oct. 1st, 1992
|
|||
|
|
#033 <20> <20>ig <20>ong <20><><EFBFBD> <20>nd <20> <20>airy
|
|||
|
|
<20> <20> <20> <20> <20> <20> <20>
|
|||
|
|
<20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><>
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Presents
|
|||
|
|
<20> <20><> <20>
|
|||
|
|
"Freeze! Mall Vice!"
|
|||
|
|
<20> by <20>
|
|||
|
|
Constantine
|
|||
|
|
<20> <20><>
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Hey, hey, we're the Lemmings,
|
|||
|
|
Animals born to die."
|
|||
|
|
--John Velousis, "The Lemmings"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Most of you have heard of the tragic events that befell the innocent
|
|||
|
|
hacker/shoppers at this year's Summercon-- they were driven from the sacred
|
|||
|
|
confines by a swarm of security goons, who set upon them because they dared
|
|||
|
|
to violate a Mall Commandment concerning "wearing clothing (in this case,
|
|||
|
|
hats) in the manner it is meant to be worn".
|
|||
|
|
BLaH scientists are currently trying to find a creature more pathetic
|
|||
|
|
and useless than the mall security guard. They're still looking.
|
|||
|
|
After all, these are people, generally way too overweight and out
|
|||
|
|
of shape to have a REAL police or security job, charged with the task of
|
|||
|
|
"protecting" a rather repulsive institution. These are men who dreamed of
|
|||
|
|
being supercops and saving the world. Now, they spend their days warning
|
|||
|
|
Muffy and Buffy not to drink out of the toilets and chasing six-year-old
|
|||
|
|
skateboarders away from the handicapped ramps.
|
|||
|
|
Are they pissed? You betcha.
|
|||
|
|
They seem to hate anyone with a brighter future than themselves,
|
|||
|
|
that is, most people. Teenagers are rarely aware of their legal rights,
|
|||
|
|
making them easy prey for Schnooks In Uniform.
|
|||
|
|
Will they harass you? You betcha.
|
|||
|
|
Fortunately, as an undergrounder (and hopefully a supporter of
|
|||
|
|
Social Violence), you are smarter than 99.8% of the average zombies shuffling
|
|||
|
|
around any given shopping mall. You have resources available to you that
|
|||
|
|
the enemy does not, namely more than two brain cells to rub together and
|
|||
|
|
a wide sociopathic streak. That's all you need.
|
|||
|
|
So you and your droogs are hanging about in your local mall,
|
|||
|
|
viddying the malachicks when Officer Krupke [always patronize them, raising
|
|||
|
|
their self esteem just a tad by calling them 'officer' the way they've always
|
|||
|
|
dreamed of.. ahh.. 'youngsters calling ME 'officer'? It's like a choclately
|
|||
|
|
dream come true!'] waddles up and threatens to eject you for violating
|
|||
|
|
Commandment 26, "Thou shalt not stand in one place for more than five minutes".
|
|||
|
|
As obeying him is NOT an option for those who value self-dignity, there are a
|
|||
|
|
few useful techniques you can use to turn the tables...
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
-+LEGAL BULLSHIT
|
|||
|
|
"I'm sorry, sir, but Illinois state regulation 11-42-69 clearly
|
|||
|
|
denotes such rules as unconstitutional and unenforceable."
|
|||
|
|
This rarely works, but it's a hell of a lot of fun if you can
|
|||
|
|
keep a straight face. Make sure to use lots of long words and legalese;
|
|||
|
|
it doesn't have to make sense, because your average mallcop knows next
|
|||
|
|
to nothing about real law.
|
|||
|
|
You will probably be thrown out anyway, but at least you get a
|
|||
|
|
few minutes of utterly destroying your attacker's self-esteem (which
|
|||
|
|
wasn't all that hot to begin with).
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
-+MISDIRECTION
|
|||
|
|
"Maybe you should be more concerned with those two guys shoving
|
|||
|
|
CDs down their pants in Overpriced Records."
|
|||
|
|
While the vigilant security guard performs a body cavity search
|
|||
|
|
on the unfortunate scum you singled out, you move to another part of the
|
|||
|
|
mall. This works ONCE. After that, shift to tactic #3:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
-+CONFUSION
|
|||
|
|
"Can you PROVE we're wearing hats?"
|
|||
|
|
Render the guard speechless with spurious logic, providing serious
|
|||
|
|
laughs until he tosses you out on your ass. Some useful lines include:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"This is a designer hat from Pakistan-- it IS meant to be worn
|
|||
|
|
backwards."
|
|||
|
|
"Yes, but I don't see what this has to do with the hemmorhoid
|
|||
|
|
epidemic."
|
|||
|
|
"I wore it to get your attention, officer. You see, I've loved
|
|||
|
|
you for so long..."
|
|||
|
|
["Well, according to Descartes, nothing is really certain because we
|
|||
|
|
cannot trust the senses. The only thing we can trust that exists is thought.
|
|||
|
|
We think, therefore we are. Unfortunately, dear sir, you don't exist. Neither
|
|||
|
|
does this thing that a non-existent being calls a 'hat'. And since you don't
|
|||
|
|
exist, that jump from the top flight of stairs won't hurt you at all..."]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
As you can see, when dealing with turnip-brains, it's hard to lose.
|
|||
|
|
Just keep your wits about you and let THEM provide the laughs. After all,
|
|||
|
|
if you're going to get thrown out anyway, you might as well go in style.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
{---End of File.. Safe-T-ShumbDit says "5922" Bytes Total------------------}
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
yummy.. this file goes out to aristotle, who still refuses to acknowledge
|
|||
|
|
Connie's existence ;). And yes, all of this shit starting with the End of File
|
|||
|
|
line and all of the shit in brackets is added by me.. gweed... no censorship
|
|||
|
|
here, my good [fnord]s!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
708-251-5094 Nun-Beaters Anonymous - BLaH WHQ [IL]
|
|||
|
|
708-965-8965 Carbon Nation [IL]
|
|||
|
|
305-927-3028 The Insane Asylum [FL]
|
|||
|
|
419-475-3089 The Realm Of Death [OH]
|
|||
|
|
819-778-0454 Brain Damage [QC]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
{---Colombus Day is coming! Be on the look for BLaH's Tribute to The-------}
|
|||
|
|
{---original Nazi, Chrissy Poo Colombus!-----------------------------------}
|