172 lines
7.8 KiB
Plaintext
172 lines
7.8 KiB
Plaintext
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==========================================================================
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== ==
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== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
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== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
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== esses are: ==
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== ==
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== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
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== ==
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== or ==
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== ==
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== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
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==========================================================================
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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
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Episode 12 - Life, The Net, and Everything Part 2
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(Ralph, the 'Video Testament' is just about to explain Life, the Net,
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and Everything to the crew of the Infinity)
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Gillian: Tell us, what does all this neo-Nazi stuff have to do with
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the Net.
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Arnold Lint:I don't think I want to know.
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Martin: Me neither.
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Rod: Quiet.
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Xaphod: Go on . . .
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Ralph: Anyway, Kubla Konthemasus' followers were doing great.
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Anything they showed on TV was immediately accepted as
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truth. Disco became an overnight sensation, and then was
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phased out when the profit wasn't great enough. It was soon
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realized that there was a significant group of people in
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computer related fields who possessed considerable wealth.
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It was also realized that these people were not being taken
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in by the video blitz.
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Arnold Lint:Good for us!
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Martin: Not really, I'm afraid.
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Ralph: Very perceptive, robot. Konthemasus' research showed that
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hackers do not believe what they see or hear, unless it
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comes across a computer terminal. It was fast becoming
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apparent that computers would be vital to the power of the
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new regime, so it was vital that anyone who worked with
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computers could be controlled.
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Gillian: Yes, but what does that have to do with the Net? The Net is
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an exchange of ideas and ideals between computer
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professionals!
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(Martin starts coughing sarcastically)
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Ralph: Kubla Konthemasus, in a brilliant stroke, figured out a way
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to not only carry out an experiment in behavioral psychology
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on the computing professionals, but also to put into action
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all his findings. He created the Net. You see, there are a
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few key links in the Net controlled by his men. At first
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they tried a variety of topics and tested reactions. Then
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they started trying to bend the opinion of Net-landers.
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First by trying to get everyone to like current trends in
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music, then by trying to create the impression that North
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Dakota does not exist. Anyone who rejected the ideas they
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tried to push, and was fool enough to say so, was put onto a
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list. This list will be used to purge the society of all
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those who would corrupt the purity of essence of
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Konthemasus' new order of conformity and religious
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fulfillment.
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Xaphod: Wow, that's unbelievable.
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Rod: Yah, I don't think I do believe it.
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Arnold Lint:Me neither . . . An actor in the white house? . . . No
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North Dakota? . . . Couldn't happen!
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Gillian: I don't know, maybe . . .
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Ralph: Well, that's about it. I've got to go, lots to do.
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Rod: What could a book have to do?
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Ralph: About an ounce of cocaine!
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(With that, Ralph vanishes into thin air. The crew of the Infinity is
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left standing, dumb founded by what they have heard. They start to leave
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and come to the door. There is a moment of hesitation.)
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Gillian: If anyone of you open the door for me, I'll put the boot in.
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Arnold Lint:What's with her.
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Rod: She's an ERA.
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Arnold Lint:A what?
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Xaphod: ERA - An Extra Rights Activist.
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According to "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net", the Extra Rights
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Activists group was started by a group of women who were quite upset by
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their station in life. They didn't just want equality, they wanted
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superiority. They figured they could get all the privileges of equality
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with men, and yet retain all the conveniences regarded them as women.
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They wanted equal pay for less work, lower taxes for women, shorter work
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hours. After all, the fairer sex shouldn't have to work so hard, but
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they do deserve the same pay. They didn't want to join the army though.
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They felt that in some cases, where it was convenient, men could still
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have it all. The one thing you could do to make an ERA mad was to hold
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the door for her. They took it as a sign of harassment . . . no one
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knows why. Other acts of courtesy were also mistaken as antagonizing the
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ERA movement. Helping an ERA with her coat was the same as telling her
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she smelled like bathroom at the National Food Poisoners Convention.
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Helping an ERA with her chair in a restaurant was tantamount to clubbing
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her about the head with a moldy Albatros. In response to this threat to
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male dominated society, the all-male anti-ERA faction MCP (Male
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Counter-ERA Pact) circulated a pamphlet explaining what a man could do
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if the woman he was with gave any indications of trying to open the door
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before he could open it for her. It read as follows:
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=====================================================================
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** How not to hold the door for an ERA **
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If the woman you are with starts to race for the door so she can open it
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for herself, and this upsets you, here are a few things you can do to
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make sure it won't happen again.
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* Just as she gets up to speed, trip her from behind.
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* When she has a large enough lead, and has the door open, stop to
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tie your shoe.
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* If there is a convenient doorway (like a men's room) nearby, wait
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until she isn't looking and duck in as she opens the door.
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* If she is holding the door, take hold of it as you enter the
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doorway and close it behind. Locking it is a sure-fire clue to her
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that you are displeased.
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* If there is a long corridor before the offending door, and she
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starts to speed up, keep pace with her. When you both hit a dead
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run, body check her into the wall. A well timed 'Ooops' will make
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it all look innocent. This is dangerous if you are with a lady
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roller derby player.
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* If you really don't care about offending her, give her a quick feel
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just as she turns away from you to head for the door. Of course,
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she may never turn her back on you again.
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Remember, there is nothing wrong with being courteous. But if she won't
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take it gracefully, make it bloody inconvenient for her to keep doing
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so.
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=====================================================================
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The ERA movement, surprisingly, took no action against the MCP. Rumor
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has it that they settled the debate in some non-violent manner. History
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notes that there followed a sudden increase in the sale of plastic drop
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clothes and corn oil followed by a sudden increase in births about 9
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months later.
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******************** End Of Part 12 ********************
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Will Arnold Lint hold the door for Gillian? Or will he become a soprano?
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To find out . . . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same
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Net-channel.
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danielle
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