162 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
162 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
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==========================================================================
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== ==
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== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
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== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
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== esses are: ==
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== ==
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== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
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== ==
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== or ==
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== ==
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== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
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==========================================================================
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Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
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Episode 10
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(Xaphod, Rod, Gillian, and Marvin are still on their way to find out
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more about Life, the Net, and Everything. From off in the distance they
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hear a hollow roar punctuated by gunfire. Before they have a chance to
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grasp the situation, a huge battle tank screeches to a halt in front of
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them. It is a fearsome device with great nasty teeth painted on it. The
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cannon looks as if it could punch a hole through a small planet. A hatch
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opens and a rightly uniformed man steps out, crushing a passing cat
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under his boot.)
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Cat: (splat)
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Rod: Wh . . . who are you?
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Roarin' George:I'm General Roarin' George Pahton. I heard there was some
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Singularans around here. Thought I'd do some American
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style joggering.
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Xaphod: Oh yeah, they went that a way.
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Arnold Lint: Why does everyone pick on the Singularans? They only seek
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meaningful personal relationships with people they find
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special.
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Roarin' George:Right, that's it, we're gonna have some order around
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here. No more of these damn cliches. From here on out,
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the following rules will apply: Anyone who uses the
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phrases 'special', 'personal relationship', or
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'meaningful relationship' WILL be fined twenty dollars
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for the first offense. Subsequent offenders will have
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their genitalia removed with a sharp rock. Anyone who
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corrects the spelling of another, WILL be fined 100
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dollars. I won't stand for any namby-pamby intellectuals
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checking spelling when there's so much to do. Anyone
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caught agreeing with anything an oppositely gendered
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personnel says in an obvious attempt to make points, WILL
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have both kneecaps shattered with a ball-pean hammer.
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Likewise, anyone saying things which are right out of
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soap operas with the intentions mentioned above WILL also
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have his (or her) kneecaps shattered with a ball-pean
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hammer. Remember, this is the NET, it's tough out there.
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Keep your emotions to yourself, do you want a bunch of
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commies to read that gooey crap? Why they'll think we're
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wimps, then they'll invade. They've started infiltrating
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already - ever been to one of the dating service places?
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They're all commies, draining away our precious bodily
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fluids. Now, get back to work!
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(With that, he climbs back into the tank and drives off, casually
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blowing a 4 foot hole in a nearby wall. Just then, the 12" CRT on
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Xaphod's shoulder springs to life. On it is a man in a white suit with a
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bible in one hand and a microphone in the other. He speaks: "Friends.
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Why are we here today? We are here to hear the words - (Amen) - to hear
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the holy words from the Holy Box - (Amen). Oh blessed be the Holy Box,
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and it's disciples: Prophet Ronko, Prophet K-Dul, and the Prophet Popeel
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- (Amen Amen Amen). Yes, they lead is to immaculate spending. We here at
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the Church of the Divine Vision believe in Johnny and Merv and Mike. TV
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is the reflection of life, and life is a reflection of reality,
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therefore TV IS REALITY. Yes, Mrs Olson may be a Nazi, but if you buy
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Foljers, you can bake just like her. And Robert Yung may have multiple
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personalities and a penchant for farm animals, but if you drink his
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coffee, you can remain calm in the midst of a nuclear explosion . . . ")
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Rod: Shut that OFF.
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Xaphod: Bloody religious fanatics.
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Arnold Lint: What an odd religion, worshiping a TV, seems hard to
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believe.
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Martin: Not really, just another awful attempt to deal with this
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miserable Net. It's all a cop out. You can't understand
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something so you pretend that there is something else in
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control. It's all rubbish.
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Gillian: Quiet. Of course there's a supreme being.
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Martin: If you say so, but if God didn't already exist, he would
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have to be invented.
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Rod: It's hopeless talking to him.
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("The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" indicates that the members of the
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Church of the Divine Vision are basically agnostics. They prefer to
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believe what they see on the tube to what some half starved people wrote
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about over 2000 years ago. They can't meet God, but if the TV gives them
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trouble, they can always replace it. Their belief led to the writing of
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the Video Testament, which is the gospel for all believers in the Holy
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Box. Although it seems unlikely, the Church of the Divine Vision was
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supposed to have formed some amazing concepts as to how the Net exists.)
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Gillian: Let's go.
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Martin: Do we have to?
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(They all ignore Martin and press on. Two days later they arrive at
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their destination. In front of them is a rather bug-eyed looking
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lizard.)
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Xaphod: Hey man, are you the one with the dope on Life, the Net,
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and Everything.
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Lizard: Yes, I am Teddy the Wonder Lizard. I know all there is to
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know about Life, the Net, and Everything.
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Rod: Well, tell us!
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Gillian: Please do!
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Teddy: You won't like it.
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Martin: (sarcastically) Now that's a real surprise.
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Teddy: Are you sure you want to know?
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Arnold Lint: Yes, what is it, got to more than forty-bloody-two.
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Teddy: Yes, that was the answer we told the Net. We figured that
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the real answer was so awful, they'd rather get something
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vague and argue about it forever.
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Xaphod: Well, out with it.
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Teddy: It's all here, in the Video Testament!
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(He hands Xaphod an old looking book, pops about a dozen valiums, and
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then switches on a nearby TV set. He is watching 'Real People'.)
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Xaphod: Well, that should finish him off.
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Arnold Lint: The drugs?
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Rod: No, 'Real People', lowers the IQ so much that the brain
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just packs it in and you die.
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Gillian: Find the answer already!
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Xaphod: Okay, now lets see . . .
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******************** End Of Part 10 ********************
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What is the answer to Life, the Net, and Everything? Why are we here?
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Are we here? And why is it that vampires never attack Jewish
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neighborhoods? For the answers to some of these questions . . . Tune in
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next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
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danielle
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