textfiles/internet/hitch08

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                     Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
                     Episode 8 - The Flamers Return

(The crew of the Infinity are proceeding to where the TTY directed them.
A place where they would find out more about the answer to Life, the
Net, and Everything.)

Arnold Lint:This is sure a long trip.

Martin:     Why even bother to travel through the Net. All that happens
            is that you are bombarded with countless meaningless
            messages from Singularans about  how they feel, and how they
            feel they should feel, and how others feel they should feel.
            You just get over that and some droning Flamer gets on about
            how drunk drivers should be allowed to retain their licenses
            only if they have oral sex with a diseased Yak, and they go
            on, and on, and on, not even realizing that no one is really
            paying attention. Just when you finally get up nerve to post
            something, some jello-brained fanatic gets on your case
            about how you should spell things correctly and "we always
            do things proper where I work", and then someone else gets
            on trying to correlate the right to spell terribly with the
            constitution. And you never know how people will take
            things, either they're offended when they shouldn't be, or
            they take insults as just good conversation. And if you try
            to keep personalities out of what you post, some half wit
            from a fabled crappy state on the eastern sea-board comes
            along and starts getting personal with the insults, not
            realizing what he is really getting into. And then some
            emaciated loony starts posting 150 line complaints about
            people posting 150 line articles, which they don't have to
            read anyway, but feel obliged to comment on simply because
            their minute egos need the boost of ragging on someone
            they've never met. And then some deranged cat-molester
            starts some boring discussion about the role of
            contraception in the development of the ball point pen,
            which goes on, and on, and you find that before long your
            'n' key has lost the printing on it from over use. And then
            people start sending endless messages about stopping the
            endless messages of the ongoing debate.  And then your brain
            bursts from frustration and even if you try to contribute
            something worthwhile to the Net, someone's always getting
            his rear out of joint about something . . .

Xaphod:     Will you shut the @#$% up!

Martin:     Sure, why not, you weren't really interested anyway.

Rod:        You're bloody right about that.

(All of a sudden, the hall they are travelling darkens. Twenty-two
Flamers beam into view. They are noticably ticked off.)

Commander:  Look you, we told you to take your mindless drivel off the
            Net.

Number 1:   Yah!

Number 2:   Yah!

Rod:        Yah! . . . yah, yah, yah.

Xaphod:     Since when.

Commander:  Well, it was in a different time, we boarded your vessel,
            acted like the mindless, malodorous, sodomistic necrophiles
            that we are, did a lot of shouting, and told you to forever
            leave the Net.

Xaphod:     Oh yeah, you must be the Flamers from Kekraphoon, you're the
            ones with the delusions of representing the consciousness of
            the Net.

Rod:        What a pack of twits, don't you know that the HHGttN has
            received almost overwhelming support from all over Netland?

Number 1:   We'll have to blast you.

Xaphod:     You had your chance torch-head. You should have spoken up
            when we started. But now we have a loyal following.

Number 2:   But you are taking up valuable space.

Rod:        You must be kidding, with the vast quantities of stuff that
            are considerably longer than HHGttN that go out on the Net,
            and ignored totally,  you have the narrow mindedness to use
            such a worn out argument.

Commander:  What do you expect!

Gillian:    Haven't you noticed people asking for missed episodes?

Number 1:   Well . . . we choose to ignore that.

Commander:  Now hold it, we want you OFF. You're upsetting the balance.
            Time was when we Flamers had the run of the Net. Those were
            the good old days, pouncing on innocent people posting
            messages for no reason at all. People cowering in their
            offices, wondering if we would cut them to ribbons for
            spelling errors. Now you've ruined it.  We just can't deal
            with . . . satire (Dinsdale?). Our weak attempts to
            counterattack fade quickly. No, you've got to GO, so we can
            retain our purity of essence and have no contamination of
            our precious bodily fluids.

Xaphod:     PUSH OFF you stiff! You aren't the bloody consciousness of
            the Net, you aren't even conscious. If you don't like the
            stuff, nobody is forcing you to read it. What are you, one
            of those Moral Majority types. Yah, that's it, you don't
            like what people say, so you try to make sure that nobody
            hears it. That's censorship, mate.  Just because you don't
            appreciate or understand something, doesn't make everyone
            who does wrong.

Commander:  Uh, uh . . .

Rod:        Why don't we start throwing insults at the guy who sent the
            Flamers. We could kick around his childhood and stuff like
            that.

Xaphod:     No, let's not go down to that level.

Gillian:    Yah, lets keep our values.

[The editors of "The Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net" point out that every
attempt is made NOT to name names or point fingers. The HHGttN is a
compendium of commentary intended to help understand what goes on in
Netland, a place often billed as a "wheatfield of mental disorders". The
editors also point out that all episodes are intended purely in the
spirit of comedic-satire. Any insults to any individual's religion,
political views, or anything like that is either purely accidental, or
definitely intentional. The HHGttN complaints department is open at all
hours, but has so far only received one (well intended) complaint, which
was kindly accepted and acknowledged to the sender. The editors remind
all Netlanders that there is no evil spell forcing them to read HHGttN
(even though it makes perfectly good sense to do so)!!! ]

(In a fit of frustration, the Flamers depart, muttering something about
"We shall return".)

Arnold Lint:Well, that was exciting.

Xaphod:     Now let's get going and find the answer.

Rod:        Yah, and the dirty books.

Gillian:    (Looking at a huge mural on what could be considered the
            wall) Look over there, it looks like a whole new Net!

Martin:     Oh no, not another.

        ******************** End Of Part 8 ********************

Will the crew of the Infinity ever find the answer, or will they get
interrupted again, to find out  . . . Tune in next time . . .  same
Net-time . . . same Net-channel.

danielle