200 lines
7.6 KiB
Plaintext
200 lines
7.6 KiB
Plaintext
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==========================================================================
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== ==
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== If you enjoy these please feel free to contact me and say hello. I ==
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== can be reached at Sun via the Arpanet or the USENET. My email addr- ==
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== esses are: ==
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== ==
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== {ucbvax, decwrl, allegro}!sun!dbercel!toto ==
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== ==
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== or ==
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== ==
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== dbercel@sun.com or dbercel@sun.arpa ==
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==========================================================================
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Episode 2 - The Flamers
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(The Infinity's scanners are showing the Flamer's ships approaching fast.
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Arnold Lint and Rod Perfect are frantically scurrying about. Xaphod is
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trying to figure out how to fly the node, and Gillian is fixing her
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makeup. Martin the android is off on a corner moping about how he's too
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young to die.)
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Xaphod: This is the node Infinity, we are on a peaceful, although a
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bit mercenary, mission. Hold your fire.
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(The commander of the Flamer's fleet appears on the screen. He appears to
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be a normal human, except for a small silver halo stapled to his head.)
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Flamer: I am Adolf Riteyus, commander of the Flaming Queen. You have
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violated Flaming space and must be blasted. You will be given
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a fair and drawn out hearing before you are found guilty.
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Rod: We didn't know this was Flaming space!
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Adolf: Ignorance is no excuse. Do you think that just because you
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don't know something you shouldn't be responsible for it? Why,
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if we didn't go around blasting people who thought they were
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innocent, there'd be no order. The whole power structure of
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the Net is based on the inalienable right to flame. He who
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flames the loudest and strongest will prevail, for he will
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have maintained purity of essence by not compromising his
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principles. It doesn't matter what one flames about, as long
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as one comes out a winner. Winning the argument for mandatory
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retroactive birth control is one of our greatest victories.
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We Flamers always win because we never give up. No, things are
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either our way or they're WRONG.
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[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists the Flamers as one of the most
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argumentative races in the Net. History shows that the Flamers went to war
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over the right to keep and bear tongue depressors. They also had a violent
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and bloody discussion over the morality of Odor Eaters. The only time the
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Flamers can be easily beaten in combat is on Sunday mornings when they all
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watch evangelist shows, or during Ronco "Mr. Microphone" commercials
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(their symbol of worship).]
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Gillian: What should we do?
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Xaphod: How 'bout evasive actions?
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Marvin: It won't help.
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Rod: Oh shut up! evasive action!
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Adolf: Where do you come from?
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Xaphod: Not from around here.
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Adolf: Where are you headed?
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Rod: Left.
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Gillian: That's telling him?
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Adolf: What is your favorite color?
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Arnold Lint:My what?
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Adolf: Your favorite color!
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Rod: White!
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Adolf: What is the maximum warp speed of a ladened Swaldrel?
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Xaphod: Denebian or Rigelian?
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Adolf: I don't know that . . . all right, enough evading, if you
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don't surrender in the next five seconds I'll blast you right
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out of existence.
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Rod: Well, now what.
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Adolf: Five!
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Arnold Lint:What's this button do?
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Adolf: Four!
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Xaphod: That's the Illogical Drive. It propels the node on power from
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hard drugs and acid rock. It's kind of dangerous though.
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Adolf: Three!
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Arnold Lint:Should we try it?
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Adolf: Two!
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Rod: Well, lets not . . . Four!
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Adolf: Four!
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Arnold Lint:So this is it, we're all going to die.
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Adolf: Three!
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Martin: I warned you about this trip.
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Adolf: Two!
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Xaphod: All right, all right, engage the Illogical Drive!
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Adolf: One!
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(Arnold Lint engages the Illogical drive. Images of the movie "Easy Rider"
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float across the view port. "In-a-gadda-da-vida" starts coming across the
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radio. The 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder starts scrolling "Wow man, what a
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trip!". The scanners show that the Flamers couldn't handle the sudden
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flood of sensory excitation and burst their brains. This only made their
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reactions a bit slower though as the Flamer's brain is remarkably small.
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The Infinity, charged up with Liquid Super Duetrillium, was able to make
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warp speed and turn the corner before the Highway patrol picked them up on
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radar. This was fortunate for it meant that they wouldn't be caught by
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Spiny Norman, the 45 foot blue hedgehog that had been following them.)
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Gillian: We made it.
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Rod: Yah, where are we Martin.
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Martin: We're way out man.
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Xaphod: Oh, he's useless now - it'll take a while before he comes
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down.
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Arnold Lint:At least he isn't so gloomy.
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Martin: Nooo body knows, the trouble I've see . . . have any of you
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ever contemplated the death of a grain of salt?
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[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" points out that the life and death of
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a grain of salt can have amazing importance in the course of life on the
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Net. On particular grain of salt (named Nigel) was responsible for the
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overthrow of an entire government. Nigel gave his
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. <- Nigel
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life by falling into the barrel of a shotgun that was aimed at the planets
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dictator. Thanks to lousy marksmanship on the part of the rebels, only
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Nigel was able to hit the dictator. The rest of the buck shot killed the
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dictator's pet salmon, Eric. Nigel, however, penetrated the dictators eye
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and eventually killed him 8 months later just before a firing squad cut
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the dictator in two.]
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Rod: Shut Up!
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Xaphod: Well, lets get back on course.
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Arnold Lint:What are those?
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(The scanners now show a dozen ships shaped like the number one heading
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toward the Infinity.)
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Xaphod: Those are Singularan ships. They're worse than flamers!
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Rod: Oh yeah, they're worse than a visit from an insurance
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salesman.
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Gillian: They're normally mild mannered computer scientists. But
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when they get on the Net, they become endowed with a
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superhuman ability to talk about incredibly personal things,
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things they couldn't otherwise discuss.
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Arnold Lint:Sounds awful.
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Martin: That's what I keep telling you.
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Rod: Shut up!
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Xaphod: If we don't get out of here fast, we'll end up
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debating which finger a divorced person should
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wear his or her ring on when going to homosexual
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orgies - or worse, have to go to a Pot Luck Dinner
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where all that the people do is talk.
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******************** End Of Part 2 ********************
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Will the crew of the infinity avoid the clutches of the Singularans? Or
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will they end up exchanging recipes for onion dip. For the answers to
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these and several other amazingly unimportant questions . . . Tune in next
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time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
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toto 37:
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