109 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
109 lines
4.4 KiB
Plaintext
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From: commgrp@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (BACS Data Communications Group)
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Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban
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Subject: Re: Twinkies
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Date: 20 Apr 90 15:03:03 GMT
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>Twinkies don't have shelf lives, they have *half* lives of
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>approximately 100 years.
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>I have heard that bacteria just will not eat a twinkie, ever.
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>Remember: IF IT DOESN'T SPOIL, DON'T EAT IT!
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BIOLOGY OF SNACK CAKES
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----------------------
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Prepared by Eric Kollenberg
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21 Feb. 1986
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I. INTRODUCTION
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As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this
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planet (Earth) is divided into three basic groups - plants, animals,
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and snack cakes. Although volumes of boring material have been
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written about the former two subjects, there is a notable lack of
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reference material covering the latter. So I made some up.
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II. EVOLUTION AND CLASSIFICATION
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Snack caves developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if
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you look on the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can
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find samples nearly that old), when the seas were full of Campbell's
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primordial soup. This prehistoric mixture of propylene glycol,
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potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium citrate, primitive
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emulsifiers, and other "building blocks of snack cake" spawned the
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first one-celled crumbs. Eventually, these crumbs began to colonize
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around central specialized cells called endofill (known to the
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layperson as "creme filling"). The colonies developed into types:
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spongospores and diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the
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former is the common Twinkie (_Hostus* hostilus_), the latter is
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typified by the primitive "Suzy Q" (_Hostus satanis_). In a bid for
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survival, some varieties, such as the _Hostus hostum_ (Ho-Ho) and the
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_Hostus zippum_ (Ding-Dong) evolved protective inedible outer shells,
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or exofrostings.
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There are many gaps in the scheme, such as the common crumb cake,
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which some have suggested has an extraterrestrial origin, and the
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mythical "Little Debbie." However, these topics are outside the scope
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of this paper, which is another way of saying that I'm getting tired
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of typing.
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III. BIOCHEMISTRY
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What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for
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the behavior of these species? What are the chemical reactions
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occurring within the cell tissue? Do I look like a chemist? How the
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hell should I know?
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IV. FEEDING
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The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world.
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Resembling a food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the
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grocery store shelf. Then it dives down the throat of the
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unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The Suzy-Q now turns itself inside
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out like a feeding starfish, and digests the victim with its potent
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creme filling.
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V. REPRODUCTION
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"Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you
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don't think I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you?
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Actually, I'd be glad to (especially for money), but the breeding
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habits of snack cakes have never been observed. This is something of
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a mystery, since more specimens are always being sighted under car
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seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of vending machines.
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Speculation about the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie
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have... Naahh, that's too disgusting to even think about.
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VI. SOURCES
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1. Daniken, Erich von, _Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying
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Saucer Pyramid Gods_ 1969.
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2. Ibid, William, _Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography_
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1947.
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3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills
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and Eats Her" 1 Mar 1986 _National Devourer_.
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4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer,
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Improves Sex Life, Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears"
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1 Jan 1985 _Midnite Globule_.
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* Hostess is a registered trademark of the Hostess Artificial Food
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Substitute Division of I.T.T., an exporter of international
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corruption. It is used without permission, for which hordes of oily
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lawyers will probably descend on me and cut out my lungs with a
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hacksaw.
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[This paper was originally submitted as a Silly Science Fair (tm)
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project at an SF con in Chicago, along with another on reproduction of
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coathangers. It included a cross-sectional diagram of a Twinkie, and
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dissection photos (yuck!) of other species.]
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