137 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
137 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
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Infamous
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The Shit List
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^
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- Ghost Shit -
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You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but
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there's no shit in the toilet.
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- Teflon Coated Shit -
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Comes out so slick, clean, and easy that you don't even
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feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. You have to look for
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the shit in the toilet to be sure you did it.
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- Gooey Shit -
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This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times
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and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in
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you underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid
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marks in the toilet.
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- Second Thought Shit -
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You're all done wiping you ass and you're about to
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stand up when you realize it...you've got to shit more.
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- Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Shit -
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This is the kind of shit that killed
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Elvis. It just doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty,
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trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
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- Richard Simmons Shit -
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You shit so much, you lose 10 pounds.
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- Right Now Shit -
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You better be within 30 seconds a toilet. Usually it has
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it's head out before you get your pants down.
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- Green Shit -
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Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad.
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- King Kong or Commode Choker Shit -
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This shit is so big that you know it won't
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go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat
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hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's
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house.
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- Cork Shit aka Floaters -
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Even after the third flush, it's still
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floating in there. My God! How do I get rid of it?! This shit also
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usually happens at someone else's house.
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- Wet Cheeks Shit -
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This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash
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that gets your ass all wet.
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- Wish Shit -
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You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit.
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- Cement Block Shit or Oh God! Shit -
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You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
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- Snake Shit -
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This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb
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and at least 3 feet long.
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- Mexican Food Shit aka Screamers -
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You'll know it's alright to eat
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again when your asshole stops burning.
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- Beer Drunk Shit -
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This happens the day after the night before. Normally your
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shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD! Usually there's
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someone standing outside waiting to use the bathroom. This kind of
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shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
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- Burning Ass Shit -
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Self explanitory. Usually occurs after eating Burning
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Mouth Indian food.
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- Firecracker Shit -
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This shit comes out in little explosions. Like a string of
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firecrackers. Just when you think the last blew, wait, there's
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more shit to come. Interspersed with flagellations.
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- Volcano Shit -
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Not liquid and not solid, this shit sort of emerges from your
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ass in a continuous flow. Usually happens when you are in a hurry or
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ate Indian food the night before.
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- Nuclear Shit -
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One huge King Kong log explosion followed by a solid
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outpouring of shit in varying textures and densities. Asshole
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radiates for awhile afterwards.
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- Shy Shit -
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Combination of Wish Shit and Second Thought Shit. It's going to
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come out. No it's not. Yes it is. No it's NOT. Best bet is to force
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to become the Pop A Vein in Your Forehead Shit.
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- Sex Shit -
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Incredible urge to deficate caused by increased movement of
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internal organs due to the act of sex. This shit kind of sneaks up
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on you. Your never quite sure whether it will emerge in solid or
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gaseous state.
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- SHIT! Shit -
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This shit gives you ample warning of it's impending arrival.
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Yet, you are still unable to find ac(commode)ations. Usually on long
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airline flights with equally long latrine lines, during traffic, in the
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middle of a conference or meeting. If serviced early enough, it is
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Teflon shit. If late enough, Cement Block Shit.
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- Baby Shit -
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Self explanatory. Output often more attractive and seemingly
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palatable then input. Comes in a variety of colors and textures.
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- SLOW Shit -
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Much like Shy Shit except you have the feeling of continuous,
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albeit miniscule progress. Coaxing and straining does not help.
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Get a good book and relax. This shit is in no hurry.
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- AcId ShIt -
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Occurs the morning after taking two hits of acid and getting
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the munchies. You're not quite sure what it is you ate, but from
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the looks of this shit, it must have been something really gnarly.
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May come in colors, might just seem that way. Spend more time
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admiring it then delivering it.
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(rear) End.
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Remember, the politically correct term for Shit is:
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Nutritionally Challenged Output
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-/Vuarnet International/-
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617/527.oo91
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24oo-16.8k HST/V32bis
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