56 lines
2.3 KiB
Plaintext
56 lines
2.3 KiB
Plaintext
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RUDENESS-TO-REAGAN AWARDS
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Take a Lesson From Avis, Sam
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ABC's Sam Donaldson has come in second to House Speaker Tip O'Neill in a list
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of the 10 most ill-mannered Americans. (How my mother-in-law missed being
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included amazes me, but that is a matter for another day.) The Speaker got top
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marks for his rudeness to President Reagan during those televised speeches when
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viewers can see O'Neill and Vice President Bush behind the President. Etiquette
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writer Marjabelle Stewart, who compiled the list, claims that O'Neill's
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paper-rattling and yawns are prize winning examples of uncouth behavior, while
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White House correspondent Donaldson's shouts and baited questions during news
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conferences are only second-rate.
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Donaldson is rumored to be taking the defeat pretty hard.
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For help, he turned first to his greatest admirer.
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DONALDSON: Mirror, mirror! On the wall. Who's the couth-less of them all?
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MIRROR: Sorry, Sam. You're a pussycat compared to O'Neill. I mean, he tells
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jokes to the Veep while Ronnie's talking. You can't top that act.
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Realizing he needed professional help, Donaldson hired a rudeness consultant.
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CONSULTANT: You've just got to try harder. It worked for Avis!
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DONALDSON: Maybe if I sneered a bit more?
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CONSULTANT: You've maxed out on sneer, Sammy. People can barely understand
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you now through those twisted smiles.
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DONALDSON: What then?
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CONSULTANT: Had you thought about some spicier comebacks to Reagan's answers?
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"Following up on that, sir ..." isn't much of a riposte?
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DONALDSON: Waddaya have in mind?
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CONSULTANT: How 'bout "Bullshit, Ronnie."
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DONALDSON: Not bad.
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CONSULTANT: And you're missing a lot of opportunities there at the helicopter
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pad, too, when the President leaves for Camp David. If he leaves with the First
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Lady, shout out "Going off for a nooner, Mr. President." And if he leaves
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alone, yell "A little on the side this trip, sir?" You'll be on top of that list
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in no time.
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DONALDSON: <Gratefully> You've really earned your money.
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The word is out in Washington that Speaker O'Neill is prepared to fend off any
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bids that Donaldson makes for top slot on the rudeness list. During the next
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Presidential speech from the House chamber, look for O'Neill wiggling a couple
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of fingers behind Reagan's head like rabbit ears.
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