81 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
81 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
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From arensb@cvl.umd.edu Thu Jun 8 05:30:04 1989
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Flags: 000000000001
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
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From: arensb@cvl.umd.edu (Andrew Arensburger)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: Quantum physics
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Keywords: original, funny
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Message-ID: <3489@looking.on.ca>
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Date: 8 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT
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Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
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Lines: 64
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Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
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Reply-Path: cvl.umd.edu!arensb
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(This just materialized on my desk one day. It's in my handwriting, so I
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must have written it, though I'll deny it if I'm indicted. -AA)
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The topic for today is quantum physics. Quantum physics was developed in
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the 1930's, as a result of a bet between Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr, to
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see who could come up with the most ridiculous theory and still have it
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published. Most people agree that Bohr won hands down, although Einstein
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did very well in the swimsuit competition.
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One of the most important researchers in quantum physics is Werner
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Heisenberg, a man with a wonderful sense of humor, who was always cracking
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one-liners, like "delta-p times delta-x is less than h!" Ha! ha! What a
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card! This is known as Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which is closely
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related to Goedel's Incompleteness Theorem, which says that some things are
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true, but you can't prove them, like when my wife and I argue over whether
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it's her turn to take out the garbage or not.
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What Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says is that if something is small
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enough, you can't say anything about it. Anyone with the I.Q. of baking
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powder immediately understood that this means that if you look at something
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so small that you can't even *see* it, like my dog, Oscar Wilde's, brain,
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then you obviously can't tell, say, what color it is.
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But some people didn't get the joke, and decided to investigate this
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principle further. They would gather and sit around all day, drinking beer
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and performing "Gedankesexperimenten," or "Thank God we're theoretical
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physicists so we don't have to get our hands dirty with particle
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accelerators and other heavy machinery." The most famous of these is
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Schroedinger's Cat, where several physicists kidnap Erwin Schroedinger's cat
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Fluffy and lock it up in a box, along with a radioactive source such as
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Cheez Doodles. Then they walk around with concerned expressions on their
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faces, commenting about how they don't know what's going on inside the box.
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This goes on until the cleaning lady discovers the box, opens it and tells
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the physicists whether the cat is dead, or whether it has mutated into a
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man-eating flea the size of Norway.
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The point of this experiment is to show that uncertainty at the quantum
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level can be detected in the macroscopic world and produce widespread
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anxiety and paranoia. It also explains why paper clips just lie there while
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you look at them, but as soon as you turn your back, they run away, giggling
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wildly, and transform themselves into coat hangers.
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Another famous researcher is Richard Feynman, who invented Feynman diagrams,
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which are bunches of squiggly lines with greek letters next to them. The
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way they were discovered was, one day, Hans Bethe came in to Feynman's
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office to say that some of the guys down in particle research were having a
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jam session down by the cyclotron, and would Richard like to come over and
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bring his bongos? Feynman was out, at the time, cracking a safe or
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something, so Bethe tried to leave him a note. On the desk, he found one of
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Feynman's daugter's kindergarten drawings. Bethe couldn't make head or tail
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of it, and figured that if even he couldn't understand it, then it must be
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something Terribly Clever, and promptly called it a Feynman diagram.
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This was a major scientific breakthrough, and ever since, proud parents have
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been hanging their children's Feynman diagrams on refrigerators with little
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muon-shaped magnets, confident that their Little Darlings are developing
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important scientific theories every day, because they are, after all, Gifted
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Children.
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Topical (current events) jokes should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA
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