153 lines
6.8 KiB
Plaintext
153 lines
6.8 KiB
Plaintext
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-->HOW TO HAVE PHUN AT YOUR PARENTS DINNER PARTY<--
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-another uncreative attempt at writing a text file- By Mr Mullins [the mister
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with out a period]
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Intro - Okay, by know you've probably read such files as 'how to have fun in
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K-mart' which are classics to dumb files such as 'how to terroize your
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neightbors' to hilarious files like 'how to have fun with your teacher.' Also
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before i start the body of my text file i would like to point out to all new
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users that phun and fun are the same thing so if i use both its because i'm
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typing fast.
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---------------------
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Part I:THE ARRIVAL OF THE DINNER GUESTS
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Usually you're parents will make you stay home because some dinner guests are
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coming over which is about the worst thing that can happen in your whole 18
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years with your parents except if they decide to make you walk your sister to
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her slumberparty but we won't get into that. Dinner partys, in which parents
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invite couples with usually two or three brat kids for you to entertain are the
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equivilant of commiting hari-kari or being a coke crazed sex pervert. With a
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little creativity, this dinner party could turn into a blast.
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When the guests arrive they will usually do something phony like bring a
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bottle of champagne or at least wine. The guy will offer his hand to you.
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Shake it, but after you have wiped your nose [gross]. Then your mother will say
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something phony and then the guests kids will come in. Lets pretent that one of
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them is a sex crazed 12 year old boy and the other is a 9 year brat sister of
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the sex craxed 12 year old.
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Well obviously you'll have to entertain the 12 year old. The best thing to do
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is tell him that there are several Penthouse magazines in your room, but you
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forgot where you put them. His eyes will light up as he searches your closet.
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Now is the time to get out your tape recorder [with sensative] microphone.
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Put in a blank tape and make sure the microphone is senative to pick up stuff
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across the room. If you have a 'dual' cassette recorder than that is even
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better. I will explain all this in Part IV later on.
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Then go over to a phone and impress the 12 year old by dialing up some
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extender and calling a 976 # in New York.
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"But doesn't that cost 2 bux?" he'll ask.
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"Nahhh...i've got it figured out so it's free."
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Then ask the 12 year old, if he knows what an EXISTENTIAL TERROIST is.
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"No," he'll say. "what?"
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"Oh nothing...but there's a book out on it. Totally rad."
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Then tell him you pirate the Playboy channel.
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PART II: H'ORS DERUVES AND COCKTAILS
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Ever notice how phony guests and your parent(s) get with other guests. The 9
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year old brat sister will be sitting with her mommy probably and then you and
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the 12 year old come down and sit down. The 12 year old will ask his dad what
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an existential terrorist is.
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Then, the phony mother will ask you how you'll liking school.
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"Oh, its okay."
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"What subjects are you taking," she'll ask.
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"The usual."
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"How about electives?"
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"Oh well, this semested I'm taking sex education."
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"Oh, how intersting." The 12 year old lights up again.
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Then the father will turn to you. He's probably either a capalist republican
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or a steaming liberal. Either way he doesn't say much until he's asked about
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his stocks. Then tell the 12 year old in front of his mother that you're going
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to watch a video-tape of Private Lessons. The mother will notion to her husband
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and tell him, 'i don't want junior watching that.' - but what can they do! ha!
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ha!
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Then take the 12 year old upstairs again and show him all your sex education
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pictures and literature, if you still have that stuff from seventh grade. Don't
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tell him what coitus means.
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While he's reading that, go downstairs and go into the kitchen and snag a
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bottle of wine or champagne.
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PART III: SITTING DOWN TO DINNER
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This is one of the best parts. The thing to do is not wait around in the
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kitchen but go outside or around the block so your parents can't find you. When
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you finally hear your father yelling [you always can] go back to the house and
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to dinner [you've already missed half of it] and sit down.
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Your mother will make you eat beans or zuchhini or something that you hate on
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purpose to test your endurance and maturity at the dinner table. While she's
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not looking put it in your napkin and then dump it on someone sitting next to
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you like the husband or the wife.
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The best thing to do is not to spill something, not to eat sloppily but to get
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everyone really pissed. Bring up some controversial issue and give some REALLY
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left wing or RIGHT wing opinion about it which disagrees with the guests. If
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the husband is a steaming liberal then argue with him LOUDLY. You're dad will
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get all pissed and make you clear something. Then sit down and argue with
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everyone for the rest of the time, making it an unpleasant eveing. You're
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parents will finally give you the eye to get the fuck out of there. [hell thats
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what they get for making you stay home on a Saturday.]
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NOW FOR THE BEST PART -
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PART IV: AFTER DINNER SURPRISE
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Use an extender, or if you don't have one just call and waste 50 cents on one
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of those short 976 #'s like the one at 415-976-2727. Tape record it and then
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set it aside. Find any Penthouse or Playboy to keep the 12 year old ammused.
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Now, go downstairs and if your parnets and the guests are still in the dining
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room hide the tape recorder near the door way with the microphone in a concealed
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place, best be it the air vent. Do NOT put it in the kitchin just as long as
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its hidden. Make sure its one of those senative microphones or a shotgun
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microphone. If your not sure you should test it before hand. The microphone
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should clearly pick up the conversation.
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Sometimes they will move into the living room at which time you should move
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the microphone to record there too. Let it sit for about an hour and then have
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some excuse to come back down and secretly take the tape and recorder back to
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your room.
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Okay, now, the best part. If you have two tape recorerder, or best, a dual
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cassette you can do this trick. edit the sex call and the guests conversation
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in such a humorous way mixing the grunts and groans with the 'intellectual
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conversation.' If you don't, forget it. Either way is fine.
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Now, get a ghetto blaster and first make sure if the 9 year old brat is
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playing alone or with your brat sister to play the sex recording for them both.
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Othewise, play it loudly [or play the edited tape] for all the dinner guests to
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hear. Make sure it's clear and if you did and editing job it will make it even
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funnier. Make sure the 12 year old watches this.
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Hey, your parents might get mad at you, or even punish you but, it was worth
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it!!!
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BY:
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-MR MULLINS-
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(C) 1985 DEGPUG textfiles
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COMING SOON: MODEM CLICHES
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