51 lines
3.3 KiB
Plaintext
51 lines
3.3 KiB
Plaintext
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SHORT TAKES
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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So many things have been happening we have found the need for an omnibus
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review. Just think of this article as a combination of "60 Minutes" and the
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local television news program: (Note: Try reading this aloud in the style of
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your least-favorite TV news anchor.)
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Good evening, here's what's happening in the (your town) area tonight!
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John Delorean is a free man, having been acquitted by the jury of government
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charges that he engaged in cocaine trafficking in order to save his bankrupt
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auto company. After a lengthy trial, we still don't know what his middle
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initial, Z., stands for.
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Walter Mondale, Democratic presidential hopeful, toured the farm belt today.
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In a campaign appearance in (your town) he stood in front of a truckload of
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watermelons and criticized the Reagan administration for the improved national
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economy, more jobs and lower inflation.
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Meanwhile, Geraldine Ferraro was closeted with her husband, John Zaccaro, and
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their family accountant for over nine hours. They were attempting to amend
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six-years-worth of income tax records. A Guiness Book of World Records official
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was stationed outside their Queens home to determine if a world record might be
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set in the attempt.
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In other news: Carl "Gold Medal" Lewis, Olympic star and self-proclaimed
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media star came in fourth in a footrace in Europe (after which his agent
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voluntarily lowered Lewis's engagement fees by one percent); Richard Burton
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still has not risen from the dead, but a watch is still posted at his gravesite
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in Switzerland; Clint Eastwood's newest release, "Tightrope," has no line
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resembling the now-famous "make my day" remark of a prior movie; and, finally,
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some dodo built a 7,000-square-foot pyramid house (one-ninth the size of the
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Great Pyramid at Giza) and covered it with 24 carat gold.
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Now this: (pause for 5 commercials).
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A policeman who stopped a motorist on the East side was robbed and disarmed by
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the 13-year-old female driver of the vehicle.
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Police are offering a reward for information leading to the apprehension of
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this person who is said to "look exactly like Orphan Annie."
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On the world scene, Soviet Premier Chernenko emphatically criticized President
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Reagan for his joking remarks "outlawing" the Soviet Union. Chernenko said, "If
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I had said this same thing, that demagogue Reagan would have had missiles headed
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our way in two seconds flat. Lucky for him all Soviet citizens have such a great
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sense of humor." There was no official response from the White House.
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The weather report is sponsored tonight by a major domestic automobile
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manufacturer. You'll find out which, and tomorrow's forecast, after this pause.
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(Insert 15 commercials here.)
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Tonight's weather is brought to you by Faultless Cadillac of (your town).
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Remember, if a car's a lemon it's not a Faultless Cadillac.
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(Break here for a weather report.)
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That's all for now! Stay tuned to Channel (pick a number between 2 and 12)
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for a festive evening of high quality entertainment. Today's sports news and
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scores on the news at (10 p.m. or 11 p.m.).
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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