248 lines
9.3 KiB
Plaintext
248 lines
9.3 KiB
Plaintext
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Article 2172 of eunet.jokes:
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Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!mcvax!hp4nl!mcvax!ukc!mucs!liv-cs!zanussi
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From: zanussi@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk
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Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
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Subject: Re: Murphy's computer laws
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Message-ID: <2809@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk>
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Date: 15 Mar 89 14:15:22 GMT
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Organization: Computer Science CSMVAX, Liverpool University
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Lines: 235
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As requested, Murphy's Laws, etc. :-
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MURPHY'S LAWS AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS
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MURPHY'S LAWS
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1. IF ANYTHING CAN GO WRONG, IT WILL.
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2. IF THERE IS A POSSIBILITY OF SEVERAL THINGS GOING WRONG, THE ONE THAT
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WILL CAUSE THE MOST DAMAGE WILL BE THE FIRST ONE TO GO WRONG.
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3. IF ANYTHING JUST CANNOT GO WRONG, IT WILL ANYWAY.
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4. IF YOU PERCEIVE THAT THERE ARE FOUR POSSIBLE WAYS IN WHICH SOMETHING
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CAN GO WRONG, AND CIRCUMVENT THESE, THEN A FIFTH WAY, UNPREPARED FOR,
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WILL PROMPTLY DEVELOP.
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5. LEFT TO THEMSELVES, THINGS TEND TO GO FROM BAD TO WORSE.
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6. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED
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SOMETHING.
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7. NATURE ALWAYS SIDES WITH THE HIDDEN FLAW.
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8. MOTHER NATURE IS A BITCH.
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O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS
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MURPHY WAS AN OPTIMIST.
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GINSBERG'S THEOREMS
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1. YOU CAN'T WIN.
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2. YOU CAN'T BREAK EVEN.
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3. YOU CAN'T EVEN QUIT THE GAME.
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FORSYTH'S SECOND COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAWS
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JUST WHEN YOU SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, THE ROOF CAVES IN.
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WEILER'S LAW
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NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THE MAN WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO DO IT HIMSELF.
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THE LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING
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1. ANY GIVEN PROGRAM, WHEN RUNNING, IS OBSOLETE.
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2. ANY GIVEN PROGRAM COSTS MORE AND TAKES LONGER EACH TIME IT IS RUN.
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3. IF A PROGRAM IS USEFUL, IT WILL HAVE TO BE CHANGED.
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4. IF A PROGRAM IS USELESS, IT WILL HAVE TO BE DOCUMENTED.
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5. ANY GIVEN PROGRAM WILL EXPAND TO FILL ALL THE AVAILABLE MEMORY.
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6. THE VALUE OF A PROGRAM IS INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL TO THE WEIGHT OF
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ITS OUTPUT.
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7. PROGRAM COMPLEXITY GROWS UNTIL IT EXCEEDS THE CAPABILITY OF THE
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PROGRAMMER WHO MUST MAINTAIN IT.
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PIERCE'S LAW
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IN ANY COMPUTER SYSTEM, THE MACHINE WILL ALWAYS MISINTERPRET, MI-
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CONSTRUE, MISPRINT, OR NOT EVALUATE ANY MATH OR SUBROUTINES OR
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FAIL TO PRINT ANY OUTPUT ON AT LEAST THE FIRST RUN THROUGH.
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COROLLARY TO PIERCE'S LAW
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WHEN A COMPILER ACCEPTS A PROGRAM WITHOUT ERROR ON THE FIRST
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RUN, THE PROGRAM WILL NOT YIELD THE DESIRED OUTPUT.
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ADDITION TO MURPHY'S LAWS
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IN NATURE, NOTHING IS EVER RIGHT. THEREFORE, IF EVERYTHING IS
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GOING RIGHT... SOMETHING IS WRONG.
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BROOK'S LAW
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IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, TRANSFORM YOUR DATA SET!
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GROSCH'S LAW
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COMPUTING POWER INCREASES AS THE SQUARE OF THE COST.
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GOLUB'S LAWS OF COMPUTERDOM
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1. FUZZY PROJECT OBJECTIVES ARE USED TO AVOID EMBARRASSMENT OF
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ESTIMATING THE CORRESPONDING COSTS.
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2. A CARELESSLY PLANNED PROJECT TAKES THREE LONGER TO COMPLETE
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THAN EXPECTED; A CAREFULLY PLANNED PROJECT TAKES ONLY TWICE AS
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LONG.
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3. THE EFFORT REQUIRED TO CORRECT COURSE INCREASES GEOMETRICALLY
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WITH TIME.
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4. PROJECT TEAMS DETEST WEEKLY PROGRESS REPORTING BECAUSE IT SO
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VIVIDLY MANIFESTS THEIR LACK OF PROGRESS.
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OSBORN'S LAW
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VARIABLES WON'T; CONSTANTS AREN'T.
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GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY
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1. COMPUTERS ARE UNRELIABLE, BUT HUMANS ARE EVEN MORE UNRELIABLE.
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2. ANY SYSTEM THAT DEPENDS UPON HUMAN RELIABILITY IS UNRELIABLE.
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3. UNDETECTABLE ERRORS ARE INFINITE IN VARIETY, IN CONTRAST TO DETECT-
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ABLE ERRORS, WHICH BY DEFINITION ARE LIMITED.
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4. INVESTMENT IN RELIABILITY WILL INCREASE UNTIL IT EXCEEDS THE PROB-
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ABLE COST OF ERRORS, OR UNTIL SOMEONE INSISTS ON GETTING SOME USEFUL
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WORK DONE.
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LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY
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THERE'S ALWAYS ONE MORE BUG.
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TROUTMAN'S POSTULATES
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1. PROFANITY IS THE ONE LANGUAGE UNDERSTOOD BY ALL PROGRAMMERS.
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2. NOT UNTIL A PROGRAM HAS BEEN IN PRODUCTION FOR SIX MONTHS WILL
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WILL THE MOST HARMFUL ERROR BE DISCOVERED.
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3. JOB CONTROL CARDS THAT POSITIVELY CANNOT BE ARRANGED IN IMPROPER
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ORDER WILL BE.
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4. INTERCHANGEABLE TAPES WON'T.
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5. IF THE INPUT EDITOR HAS BEEN DESIGNED TO REJECT ALL BAD INPUT,
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AN INGENIOUS IDIOT WILL DISCOVER A METHOD TO GET BAD DATA PAST IT.
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6. IF A TEST INSTALLATION FUNCTIONS PERFECTLY, ALL SUBSEQUENT SYSTEMS
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WILL MALFUNCTION.
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WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW
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IF BUILDERS BUILT BUILDINGS THE WAY PROGRAMMERS WROTE PROGRAMS, THEN
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THE FIRST WOODPECKER THAT CAME ALONG WOULD DESTROY CIVILIZATION.
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GUMPERSON'S LAW
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THE PROBABILITY OF ANYTHING HAPPENING IS IN INVERSE RATIO TO ITS
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DESIRABILITY.
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GUMMIDGE'S LAW
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THE AMOUNT OF EXPERTISE VARIES IN INVERSE RATIO TO THE NUMBER OF
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STATEMENTS UNDERSTOOD BY THE GENERAL PUBLIC.
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ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS
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ONCE YOU OPEN A CAN OF WORMS, THE ONLY WAY TO RECAN THEM IS TO USE
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A LARGER CAN (OLD WORMS NEVER DIE, THEY JUST WORM THEIR WAY INTO
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LARGER CANS).
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HARVARD'S LAW, AS APPLIED TO COMPUTERS
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UNDER THE MOST RIGOROUSLY CONTROLLED CONDITIONS OF PRESSURE,
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TEMPERATURE, VOLUME, HUMIDITY AND OTHER VARIABLES, THE COMPUTER
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WILL DO AS IT DAMN WELL PLEASES.
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SATTINGER'S LAW
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IT WORKS BETTER IF YOU PLUG IT IN.
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JENKINSON'S LAW
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IT WON'T WORK.
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HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE
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EXPERIENCE VARIES DIRECTLY WITH EQUIPMENT RUINED.
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CHEOP'S LAW
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NOTHING EVER GETS BUILD ON SCHEDULE OR WITHIN BUDGET.
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RULE OF ACCURACY
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WHEN WORKING TOWARD THE SOLUTION OF A PROBLEM, IT ALWAYS HELPS IF
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YOU KNOW THE ANSWER.
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ZYMURG'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAW
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WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS
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PUDDER'S LAWS
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1. ANYTHING THAT BEGINS WELL ENDS BADLY
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2. ANYTHING THAT BEGINS BADLY ENDS WORSE.
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WESTHEIMER'S RULE
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TO ESTIMATE THE TIME IT TAKES TO DO A TASK: ESTIMATE THE TIME YOU
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THINK IT SHOULD TAKE, MULTIPLY BY TWO AND CHANGE THE UNIT OF MEASURE
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TO THE NEXT HIGHEST UNIT. THUS, WE ALLOCATE TWO DAYS FOR A ONE HOUR
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TASK.
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STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM
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IF IT LOOKS EASY, IT'S TOUGH. IF IT LOOKS TOUGH, IT'S DAMN NEAR IMPOS-
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SIBLE.
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ATWOODS COROLLARY
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NO BOOKS ARE LOST BY LENDING EXCEPT THOSE YOU PARTICULARLY WANTED TO
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KEEP.
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JOHHNSON'S THIRD LAW
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IF YOU MISS ONE ISSUE OF ANY MAGAZINE, IT WILL BE THE ISSUE THAT CON-
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TAINS THE ARTICLE, STORY OR INSTALLMENT YOU WERE MOST ANXIOUS TO READ.
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COROLLARY TO JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW
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ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS EITHER MISSED IT, LOST IT OR THREW IT OUT.
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HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW
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YOU NEVER FIND THE ARTICLE UNTIL YOU REPLACE IT.
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BROOKE'S LAW
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ADDING MANPOWER TO A LATE SOFTWARE MAKES IT LATER.
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FINAGLE'S FOURTH LAW
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ONCE A JOB IS FOULED UP, ANYTHING DONE TO IMPROVE IT WILL ONLY MAKE
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IT WORSE.
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FEATHERKILE'S RULE
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WHATEVER YOU DID, THAT'S WHAT YOU PLANNED.
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FLAP'S LAW
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ANY INANIMATE OBJECT, REGARDLESS OF ITS POSITION, CONFIGURATION OR
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PURPOSE, MAY BE EXPECTED TO PERFORM AT ANY TIME IN A TOTALLY UN-
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EXPECTED MANNER FOR REASONS THAT ARE EITHER ENTIRELY OBSCURE OR
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ELSE COMPLETELY MYSTERIOUS.
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+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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! Peter Anderton Janet: ZANUSSI@UK.AC.LIV.CS.MVA !
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! (aka Zanussi.) Internet: %MVA.CS.LIV.AC.UK.@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU !
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! UUCP: Doesn't work (UKC are victims of circumstance!) !
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+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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! "This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and !
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! extreme violence." !
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! Vyvyan: The Young Ones !
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+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
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These are not necessarily the opinions of my employers, though they ought to be.
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