66 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
66 lines
3.1 KiB
Plaintext
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From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
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Flags: 000000000001
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From: lockwood@Sun.COM (Jim Lockwood)
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Subject: Mad Martin
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Keywords: funny
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Date: 8 Sep 88 15:30:06 GMT
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[Aparently Gene Spafford first posted this in early 1984]
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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and
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tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the
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days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
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tornados and droughts -- not the current situation, where the Wild West
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means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
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earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)
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So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at
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the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
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tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up
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fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he
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(Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you
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ever hear even a *rumor* that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save
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what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of
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town as fast as you can."
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Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was
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told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills
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and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the
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most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered
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him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then
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promptly forgot all about it.
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Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at
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full speed, yelling "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result
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was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses
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and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy
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because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just
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put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and
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waited.
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He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred
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looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride
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down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had
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ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off
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the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees)
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and bellowed "Wait here til I get back!" The fellow turned and walked
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up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions
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on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly,
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hollering "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully
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sat down.
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Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he
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passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle
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of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor
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Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy
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looked down over the bar and roared "What the hell do you think you're
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looking at!?"
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Fred managed to say "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another
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bottle of Red Eye?"
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To which the fellow replied, "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get
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out of here -- Mad Martin's coming!"
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--
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