101 lines
2.6 KiB
Plaintext
101 lines
2.6 KiB
Plaintext
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Drinkers Fault-Finding Guide
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============================
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Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet.
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Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
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of face.
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Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
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as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
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Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale
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and clear.
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Fault : Glass is empty.
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Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
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Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
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Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
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Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
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Symptom : Feet warm and wet.
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Fault : Loss of self-control.
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Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its
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owner about its lack of house training.
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Symptom : Bar blurred.
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Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
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Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
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Symptom : Bar swaying.
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Fault : Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
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Solution : Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
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Symptom : Bar moving.
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Fault : You are being carried out.
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Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain
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loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
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Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
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fluorescent strip across it.
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Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
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Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
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stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
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Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
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dog-ends.
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Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
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Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
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Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
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see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
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Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.
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Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat
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yourself to a lie in.
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Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
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Fault : The pub is closing.
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Solution : PANIC !!!!!
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