86 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
86 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
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From brett@hpsrbkc.hp.com Sun Jul 2 05:30:06 1989
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Flags: 000000000001
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
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From: brett@hpsrbkc.hp.com (Brett K. Carver)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: Cancer in rats
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Keywords: original, funny
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Message-ID: <3580@looking.on.ca>
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Date: 2 Jul 89 10:30:06 GMT
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Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
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Lines: 69
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Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
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Reply-Path: hpsrbkc.hp.com!brett
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Here's something I wrote after reading one too many of this type of story.
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Brett Carver
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brett@hpnmd.hp.com
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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LIVING IN CAGES LINKED TO CANCER IN LABORATORY RATS
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AP -
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The federal government today released the findings of a four year study
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that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing cancer in
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laboratory rats.
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The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983 when
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all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer.
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Spokesperson John Smith explained: "We were running a test on the possible
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link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidents of colon
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cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force fed three
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quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of popcorn daily, a
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perfectly reasonable amount. The control group consisted of twenty rats
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who lived in cages carefully shielded from all known carcinogens. To our
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surprise, all twenty control rats developed cancer within six months."
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Mr. Smith went on to say: "We had always had some trouble with control
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rats contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test group
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than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty good about
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condemning whatever we were testing at the time."
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Mr Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results being
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invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He responded: "Yea,
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we had an scientist at the lab ask that once. We had to let him go though
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when we found out he was a member of the Audubon Society; you know,
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conflict of interest. He was a real trouble maker, always asking questions
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like: 'Wouldn't eating that much popcorn give anyone cancer?' We just
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didn't need that kind of a negative influence. The last thing you want in
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a research lab is someone asking a lot of fool questions."
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When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr. Smith
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replied: "Why yes. This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if it's been
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the cages all along, this could mean that things like asbestos, smoking,
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even radiation are perfectly harmless!"
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Mr Smith continued: "This could change everything! We may be forced to
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recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars. This
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says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted
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cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend
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extended periods inside the animal's cages."
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When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr Smith
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responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there.
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Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and
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living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the things we
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have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we're in the middle of
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a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer. You think the
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cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent the control rats
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>From breathing so as not to invalidate the results by having more of the
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control rats get cancer than test rats."
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When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied: "Huh,
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what? You talking to me?"
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
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