184 lines
6.8 KiB
Plaintext
184 lines
6.8 KiB
Plaintext
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It's a Ad, Ad, Ad, Ad World
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The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial
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messages a day, and some experts claim that the average child sees and hears
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100, 000 pitches before being old enough to attend school. Sometimes it seems
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that, in these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies have
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abandoned the struggfle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense
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and meaning.
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On a paper placemat in a Massachusetts restaurang appeared this
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advertising atrocity:
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NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE
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AFFORDABLE
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An Alternative to Looking Good.
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After tittering and scratching our heads for a while, we can reconstruct
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what happened lin the framing of this cacphonous come-on. Apparently, the
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good folks at Newbury Street Coiffure meant to proclaim that their affordable
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prices afforded an alternative for looking good. But what came out was the
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message, "Come to us and we'll throw gunk on your hair and pull some of it
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out. And we'll charge you very little to do it!"
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As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often
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more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the
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cartoon and comic strips:
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* Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the
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family.
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* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by
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waitresses in apetizing forms.
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* Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
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* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
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drawers.
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* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
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chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
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* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
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* Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair
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to take home, too!
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* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
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* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
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* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
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hand.
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* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
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it really repellent
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* For Sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.
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* For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Huskey.
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* Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
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fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
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* 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
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with golden fried onion rings.
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* Great Dames for sale.
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* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
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* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
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* 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges,
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the opwner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
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* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
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* Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.
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* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
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Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain
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and Chopin.
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* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
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Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
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* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and
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other athletic facilities.
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* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
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* Toaster: A fift that every member of the family appreciates.
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Automatically burns toast.
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* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that lots
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of women wear nothing else.
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* Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
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* We build bodies that last a lifetime.
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* Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
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* This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes
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& Gardens.
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* For Sale - Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00.
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* For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.
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* Man, honest. Will take anything.
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* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month.
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References required.
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* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
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* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
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* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
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* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
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* Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play.
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* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
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* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
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* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
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* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and
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snacks included.
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* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
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* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
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never go anywhere again.
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* See ladies blouses. 50% off!
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* Holcross pulletts. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204
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* Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food business,
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and be willing to get hands dirty.
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* Illiterate? Write today for free help.
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* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
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Blue Cross and salary.
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* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
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general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
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growth of family.
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* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
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efficient beating
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* Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.
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* Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
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* And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
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unrivaled inconvenience.
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* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home
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for $1.00
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And these beauties from the radio:
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* Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a rediculous
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figure.
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* Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P. M. for "High Fidelity,"
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designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
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* When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green
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bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
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* Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs with
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the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
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