103 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
103 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
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Most of the definitions on the following lexicon of medical slang appeared
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a few years ago in the National Lampoon. Some of the definitions are
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funny. Most are sick. All are used in respected hospitals.
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===========================================================================
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BOBBING FOR APPLES: Using the finger to unclog a severely constipated
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patient.
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F.L.K.: "Funny-looking Kid." Usually a mongoloid.
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F.L.P.: Parents of an F.L.K.
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CRUMP, GORK, VEDGY: A patient requiring intensive care, incapable of
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movement, and
CROCK: Hypochondriac.
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MARRIAGEABLE MONSTER: A young female patient who has successfully undergone
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major plastic surgery.
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GOMER: A senile, messy, or highly unpleasant patient.
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FASCINOMA: A "fascinating" tumor; any interesting or amusing malignancy.
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DROOLER: A catatonic patient.
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CUT AND PASTE: To open a patient, discover that there is no hope, and
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immediately sew him up. Well, almost immediately. Sometimes young
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surgeons practice surgical techniques for a while first.
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FOUR F-ER: A gallbladder patient. "Fat, forty-ish, flatulent female."
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PINKY CHEATER: Latex finger cover used in gynecological and proctological
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examinations.
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ROAD MAP: Injuries incurred by going through a car windshield face first.
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A HOLE-IN-ONE: A gunshot wound through the mouth or rectum.
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THE "O" SIGN: The letter O as formed by a patient's gaping mouth.
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THE "Q" SIGN: A patient giving the O sign with his tongue hanging out.
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THE DOTTED Q: The "Q" sign, with a fly on the tongue.
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SIDEWALK SOUFFLE: A patient who has fallen from a building.
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LOOSE CHANGE: A dangling limb in need of amputation.
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BULL IN THE RING: A blocked large intestine.
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GONE CAMPING: Reference to a patient in an oxygen tent.
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EATING IN: Intravenous feeding.
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BORDEAUX: Urine with blood in it.
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SCRATCH AND SNIFF: A gynecological examination.
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ANGEL LUST: A male cadaver with an erection.
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HIT AND RUN: The act of operating quickly so as not to be late for another
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engagement.
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CAPTAIN KANGAROO: Chairman of a pediatrics department.
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ROOTERS: Indigents and hangers-on who gather in big-city emergency rooms in
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order to be entertained by legitimate cases.
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SHORT-ORDER-CHEFS: Morgue workers.
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LOOP THE LOOP: Flamboyant surgical rearrangement of the intestines.
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BUGS IN THE RUG: Pubic lice.
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HEY DOCS: Alcoholics handcuffed to wheelchairs in big-city medical wards
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who, at the sight of a white coat, bleat out in chorus, "Hey, Doc!"
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BLOWN MIND: Gunshot wound to the head.
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BOOGIE, GOOBER: A tumor.
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THE DEEP FRY: Cobalt therapy.
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ROASTED GOOBER: A tumor after intensive cobalt treatment.
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HEALTHY GOOBER: A dead patient.
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BURY THE HATCHET: Accidently leaving a surgical instrument inside a
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patient.
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BOTTLE RETURN: Removal of a bottle that is vacuum-jammed in the anal canal,
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usually of a homosexual.
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SILVER GOOSE, SILVER STALLION: Proctoscope.
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SQUASH: Brain.
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GAS PASSER: Anesthesiologist.
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CRISPY CRITTUR: A patient with severe burns.
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