53 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
53 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
|
News Flash:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Microsoft announced today their purchase of the rights to the Rolling Stones
|
||
|
|
song, "Satisfaction", for use in their Windows '95 advertising blitz. The song's
|
||
|
|
theme, "I Can't Get No...Satisfaction" is to become the slogan for the entire
|
||
|
|
Windows marketing effort. "We decided to finally tell the truth about our OS",
|
||
|
|
said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, "Because, the fact is, with our longstanding
|
||
|
|
monopoly in the operating systems market, we no longer feel the need to satisfy
|
||
|
|
our customers' needs".
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
In an exclusive interview, Gates admitted that "Everyone has known all along that
|
||
|
|
Windows is a complete loss. We know that we will never produce a workable
|
||
|
|
operating system so long as we try to maintain reverse compatibility, and it's
|
||
|
|
clear that that nobody wants an operating system that isn't fully Windows 3.1 and
|
||
|
|
DOS compatible. We screwed the world a long time ago, and there's no point in
|
||
|
|
denying it anymore. Consequently, we no longer feel the need to pretend to care
|
||
|
|
about our users, and our advertising campaign reflects that."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Asked why Microsoft is advertising a product that they know they will sell
|
||
|
|
anyway, Gates responds, "Why not? We have so much money now that we don't know
|
||
|
|
what to do with it. Besides, after buying rights to most of the world's great
|
||
|
|
art, I figured we might as well start picking away at some cultural icons. After
|
||
|
|
all, if corporations didn't step in to manage artistic experiences, people might
|
||
|
|
use the art to develop ideas of their own, and that would be a marketing
|
||
|
|
disaster."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Rolling Stones vocalist Mick Jagger told reporters "Yeah, I said they could have
|
||
|
|
[the song] when hell freezes over." Inspired by this, a Microsoft lawyer
|
||
|
|
immediately parachuted into Jagger's estate carrying a quill pen and a vial of
|
||
|
|
blood. It has not been determined whether Jagger actually signed an agreement,
|
||
|
|
but sources have confirmed the existence of a secret, multimillion dollar
|
||
|
|
operation to pump liquid nitrogen into abandoned oil wells, which some claim is
|
||
|
|
associated with this pact. Satan, the president and CEO of Hell, could not be
|
||
|
|
reached for comment, but rumours of his close ties with Gates have been
|
||
|
|
circulating for years. A recent request to L.L. Bean, the prominent mail-order
|
||
|
|
clothing company, for thousands of "brimstone-resistant" wool caps with "two
|
||
|
|
holes in the forehead" of each provides further evidence of imminent climactic
|
||
|
|
change in the underworld.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
An anonymous Apple Computer evangelist expressed mixed feelings about the
|
||
|
|
announcement. "If you look at the real theme of this song", he explained, "it's
|
||
|
|
about sexual inadequacy. You see why Microsoft has been so successful. They're
|
||
|
|
marketing software to the intellectual equivalent of frustrated teenage virgins,
|
||
|
|
and they identify with the pain of never getting what they want."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Asked if Apple is going to use this opportunity to increase its market share, he
|
||
|
|
continued: "Absolutely. Our new operating system, code named 'Copland', is going
|
||
|
|
to be the center of a huge multi-media experience. We're going to go to the
|
||
|
|
mountains and have an orchestra play Copland's 'Appalachian Spring' in the middle
|
||
|
|
of an empty field, while a hundred interpretive dancers wrapped in aluminum foil
|
||
|
|
express the joy of being a Macintosh user. We're sure that this will gain us a
|
||
|
|
major foothold in the business world."
|