47 lines
2.5 KiB
Plaintext
47 lines
2.5 KiB
Plaintext
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From the National Inquisitor, 30 Feb 85:
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"Dream Turns to Nightmare"
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Muskogee, Mich: The hopes of a Michigan Institute of Taxidermy prof
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were dashed early this week as thoughtless co-workers turned 'thumbs
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down' on the dream of a lifetime. "I can't believe they did it!",
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said Montgomery "Fair-haired Boy" Sears, upon hearing the tragic news.
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For Sears and his scant cohorts, the Oklahoma Tool & Die's new
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Expunger were to bring to the campus, in one foul swoop, a completely
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unsellable product that the manufacturer couldn't dump anywhere else.
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They would have enabled the Lab for Confuser Science at MIT to
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assemble the world's slowest large network of disturbed systems.
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The Expunger is a neolithic impersonal playstation using the
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BABBAGE language. BABBAGE is an advanced new computer language known
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for its novel control structures such as the "GOING, GOING, GONE"
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statement. In addition, it featured hardware assist for Guano
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Collection. It was based on a previous design, the Olde machine, which
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caused XOFF Data Systems, Healthkit, and Eastern Analogue to barf the
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instant they saw it. Several of these companies have since gone down
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the tubes after working on the Old machine.
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The 400 thousand machines would have had a total value of
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nearly 12 cents. MIT and OT&D had agreed to a plan under which OT&D
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would kick back a Pong game in exchange for MIT's agreement not to
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sue, as well 69% of all garbage collected. New plans call for both LCS
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and the Artifical Emotions Laboratory to use the Simplistics 42,000
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playstation, as well as the PicoCrax from WREK. Both machines are
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expected to be delivered REAL SOON NOW.
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Sears' mentor, Laboratory Chief Al "Big Al" Confuzerus said:
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"The Oklahoma T&D machine was just perfect. All our ideas had come
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home to roost in one completely incomprehensible system. Our approach
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to these disturbed systems has been a meandering quest in search of
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anything to get more research grants and publications, no matter how
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worthless."
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Confuzerus (who has so far not been asked to serve as
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President of MIT or Presidential Science adviser) admitted "Of course,
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I wouldn't know a good computer from a hole in the ground myself, but
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the people in My Lab say these things are the pits."
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"It's too bad", said Confuzerus. "The completely unachievable
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goal of connecting all these crocks would have kept Sears off the
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street and out of our hair for years. After all, it was his idea to
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sleeze these turkeys in the first place."
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Said Sears: "I was the only one to have this dream."
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