132 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
132 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
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BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #13
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I'm busy with my new shell replacement login script, and it's almost foolproof.
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Let's just say it pops up with:
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"Yes means No and No means Yes. Delete all files [Y]? "
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upon login. I'm really starting to worry about the number of account breakins
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we've been having recently.... The manager isn't though. His main concern
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appears to be the number of computer-related fatalities on campus. Funny
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world, isn't it?
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I flip the excuse card. "DOPPLER EFFECT" Sounds implausible enough that it's
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plausable - with a little work of course.
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The phone, the bane of my existance, rings.
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"Hello, Computer Room" I say, being helpful
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"Is this the Technicians?" The caller asks.
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Amazing the number of deaf people that use these things. What the hell, I'm
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bored..
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"Yes it is" I lie (Nixon could've done with me)
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"I've got a problem with my floppy drive, it doesn't seem to be reading all
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the time"
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"Hmmm. How old is the drive?"
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"About a year.."
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"And it sometimes fails and sometimes works, but it's starting to fail more
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and more?"
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"YES!"
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"Yeah, it's the Doppler effect of magnetism.."
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"I thought that only happened with light and sound?"
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>Bullshit mode ON<
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"Yes, well it's been found that on a spinning surface, like a disk, the
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particle's magnetic alignment changes, especially when the head is stationary
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and slightly magnetised in respect to it."
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"Duh. Oh"
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"So, what you need to do is to demagnetise the head. Have you got a disk head
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demagnetising loop?"
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"Uh.... No?"
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"OK, we'll have to do it the hard way. Have you got your original diskettes
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for your software?"
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"Yeah."
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"Right, chuck them in the drive, one by one, and format them."
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"WHAT?!"
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"Don't worry, it won't work - remember the drive is failing. All that happens
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is that the virgin magnetic field of the disks realigns the magnetic field of
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the head, because they weren't written by a doppler effected drive."
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"Oh, yeah!"
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"So, when it gives you a write error and asks if you want to continue, you
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say yes. Do it with all your original diskettes, then, to complete the
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demagnetising process, run a head cleaning diskette through the drive as
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well, which will pick up the stray magenetic particles clinging to the head."
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"Oh. Ok. Thanks"
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"Don't thank me - IT'S MY JOB"
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I put the phone down, it rings again. It's the big boss.
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"Simon, could you come to my office please?"
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>ALERT!<
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Quick as I can, I press the panic button on our LAN-Analyser, or to be more
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precise, the "Generate 90% random traffic" button
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"Sure, would you like me to come now, or..
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The other phone rings. I chuck it on hands free
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"Hello, Computer Room, Simon Here, How can I help?"
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"THE NETWORK IS DOWN, ALL OUR PCS HAVE SHIT THEMSELVES!" the voice on hands
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-free screams into the mouthpeice of the other phone
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"I see" I say calmly "Yes, our Monitor shows it up, it looks to be a bad
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segment of thinwire - please hold the line while I unplug it"
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I press the "I just got a raise" button (AKA "Stop Traffic Generation") on the
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Lan Analyser, and almost immediately the user shouts back "Excellent, it's
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working now, thanks"
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"That's ok, don't mention it. Have a nice day"
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The big-boss has been listening to all this, so I reckon that the trip to his
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office won't be so bad after all. I tell him I'll be right down as soon as
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I secure the net and hang up. On the way down, I invent a new buzzword which
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always keep management happy. Complete Transient Lockout. Sounds much better
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than pulling the plug. Like Master-Reset sounds better than off-switch.
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I get to his office and the staffing officer is there too. Uh-oh.
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"Simon - How would you like to be our System Manager?"
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?!!!
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"Well... I don't know, I like that hands on.."
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"Extra 10 grand a year, Varisty Car.."
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"Monaro?"
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"Ok"
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"Sold!"
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....And so ends the saga, as it should have at #10.
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spt@grace.waikato.ac.nz
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